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Original poster

Would you forgive her for cheating/one night stand?

105 replies

fantalimon · 08/05/2022 16:39

My girlfriend of two years has admitted to cheating on me. She went on a work night out in another city, that ended up in a nightclub. There she got absolutely wasted, to the point she could barely talk.

I was sent a video by a work colleague, of her dancing with a man in the club. So I confronted her when she came , and she admitted to it. And was very apologetic. She admitted to still being drunk when we had this conversation, as she had just got the train back to see me. She denied having done anything else.

Later that day, when I pushed for more info, she burst into tears and admitted to having had sex with him. She was very very apologetic, and said how scared she was of losing me. I feel like someone has taken a bite out of me. I just randomly want to cry.

I have agreed to try and forgive, but under the express term that if this ever happens again, she is out. We were even talking about moving in together, but now I don't know what to do. I still love her, but not as much as I did.

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 08/05/2022 17:13

If she said no and blacked out she wasn’t cheating, she was raped.

KangarooKenny · 08/05/2022 17:14

No, I’d split.

Palmfrond · 08/05/2022 17:16

Setting aside for the moment the implication that she was raped and concentrating on the welfare of the OP, I would say that getting drunk at a works do and engaging in presumably sexualised dancing with a rando, that would be a big fucking no thanks for me. The well is poisoned, move on.

FogLight · 08/05/2022 17:20

fantalimon · 08/05/2022 17:11

I asked my girlfriend if she thought it was rape, and she said no. Obviously I have let her know that I am here to support her, but it's still painful.

I really hope your girlfriend is right and that it wasn’t rape. However, what she has described is rape.

There are a lot of myths around rape and it can really mess with your head. At the very least she was extremely vulnerable.

I’m sorry for you, whatever the scenario it must feel devastating.

Loopytiles · 08/05/2022 17:21

There are a lot of reasons why a woman who was raped might might not think or say that she was, including when asked directly.

you focusing on whether or not you will

Drinking to excess doesn’t mean she had any blame in a man assaulting her in the nightclub and/or raping her.

a friend of mine worked in a club and witnessed many - in her view - sexual assaults where women were dancing but too drunk to speak - or consent to be touched/kissed on the dancefloor.

SuziSecondLaw · 08/05/2022 17:25

I used to get absolutely blackout drunk and do things that were COMPLETELY against my usual nature, not something I would ever want to do sober. I'm not an alcoholic, I just occasionally allowed myself to let go and drink one more than I should. It'd go from yay merry having a nice time, to boom the next morning being told what happened and me having absolutely no recollection.

I'm not saying it's an excuse, but if my dp was like that, I'd find it easier to potentially forgive, depending on how the relationship was in general of course.

SuziSecondLaw · 08/05/2022 17:26

Also agree with others pointing out, when in that state, you absolutely cannot consent.

Justcallmeanatm · 08/05/2022 17:26

mnamna
Yes exactly you are right

AnotherAnxiousMess · 08/05/2022 17:34

fantalimon · 08/05/2022 16:51

Trust is a big thing for me.

The thing that is making me want to forgive, is that she was almost passed out drunk. She blacked out for bits of it, and said she definitely said no at the start. He insisted he went home with her and got into her taxi as she was taking herself home.

This sounds like rape to me. Did this guy buy her drinks? Is it like her to get that drunk, could she have been drugged?
When I was sexually assaulted, it took me a long time to realise that was what happened, despite being asked numerous times if I had been.

girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 17:36

fantalimon · 08/05/2022 17:11

I asked my girlfriend if she thought it was rape, and she said no. Obviously I have let her know that I am here to support her, but it's still painful.

It's scary to admit you might have been raped. She doesn't want to think she might have been so out of control. She knows she said no.

Don't push the rape message, but consider how scary it must be to not actually know what happened.

Regardless, I stand by what I said earlier. I'd only even consider forgiveness if she promised to never drink again of her own accord.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/05/2022 17:37

Nah. Don't be a mug. This relationship is over.

Scabbyknackers · 08/05/2022 17:37

A decent man would not have insisted on going home with a very drunk woman (who you say was trying to get herself home in a taxi) and then gone on to have sex after she said 'no' once. I obviously don't know what happened afterwards but she wasn't in a safe situation. Shame her colleagues were more interested in shit stirring and sending you videos of her dancing than in looking out for her.

FriedTomatoe · 08/05/2022 17:37

The question for you is whether this is completely out of character for her. If this is far removed from her normal behaviour I would want to know more. I also think the fact that she was so apologetic and crying tells you how she feels and what she vslues. It doesn't sound like it was premeditated from the way you describe it and from her perspective it sounds traumatic. I don't think you need to make a decision about it today but you do need to talk about it without making a judgement.

Evilista · 08/05/2022 17:39

Our culture around drink and sex is so fucked us that rapists feel it is acceptable to film their potential victim in a state of inebriation, create and share evidence that the person does not have capacity to consent to have sex with them, and then have sex with them and then the victim of that non consensual sex (rape) feels like they are in the wrong not the rapist. Further if the victim does decide to call this incident rape it may not even be investigated, if it is it's unlikely to go to court, if it does go to court her drunkenness will be used as an example of how she put herself in the situation, and he will walk off Scott free because rape is basically legal in this country. If she's protecting herself by not calling it rape, that is absolutely her right. But whatever she is or isn't calling it, this isn't straightforward cheating because it sounds as though she was not in a position to make a choice of any kind as she was unable to consent.

Original poster
fantalimon · 08/05/2022 17:39

Sorry, I am still trying to figure out stuff in my head. Appreciate people's points of view.

My girlfriend is distraught, and has admitted feeling suicidal after this. She said she wouldn't know how to live without me. I am trying to figure out if maybe she is trying to cover/hide the fact that it was non consensual

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 17:48

My girlfriend is distraught, and has admitted feeling suicidal after this. She said she wouldn't know how to live without me.

Tell her to fuck off with the emotional blackmail. You're not the one who owes anyone anything here.

You can take time away from her if that's what you need.

Why would she hide the fact it wasn't consensual? Surely you'd be more likely to stay with her if it was rape that if she chose to cheat. I don't understand that logic.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/05/2022 17:53

fantalimon · 08/05/2022 17:39

Sorry, I am still trying to figure out stuff in my head. Appreciate people's points of view.

My girlfriend is distraught, and has admitted feeling suicidal after this. She said she wouldn't know how to live without me. I am trying to figure out if maybe she is trying to cover/hide the fact that it was non consensual

There's nothing to "figure out" and she's manipulating you with this bullshit. Don't fall for it, and don't waste another second on her. If she really didn't want to live without you, she wouldn't have cheated.

Oblomov22 · 08/05/2022 17:53

No. It would be over for me.

Longingforatikihut · 08/05/2022 17:56

fantalimon · 08/05/2022 16:51

Trust is a big thing for me.

The thing that is making me want to forgive, is that she was almost passed out drunk. She blacked out for bits of it, and said she definitely said no at the start. He insisted he went home with her and got into her taxi as she was taking herself home.

Another saying it's rape. It's hard to admit it to yourself sometimes that, with everything that's put out there to tell us to stay safe, that we failed. It destroys your feeling of safety in everything, if you deny it's rape you can pretend you're still safe.

I am sorry she is going through this.

FogLight · 08/05/2022 17:58

fantalimon · 08/05/2022 17:39

Sorry, I am still trying to figure out stuff in my head. Appreciate people's points of view.

My girlfriend is distraught, and has admitted feeling suicidal after this. She said she wouldn't know how to live without me. I am trying to figure out if maybe she is trying to cover/hide the fact that it was non consensual

This is really messy. It’s easy to jump all over it and say she’s a manipulative, cheating bitch but the reality may be that she has been hurt just as you have been.

One of you should call a sexual harm helpline for advice.

You are both hurt and maybe it will transpire that this is the end of your relationship but maybe it is more complex.

Maybe take a break so you can both get your heads clear?

YouDoYouHun · 08/05/2022 17:59

girlmom21 · 08/05/2022 17:48

My girlfriend is distraught, and has admitted feeling suicidal after this. She said she wouldn't know how to live without me.

Tell her to fuck off with the emotional blackmail. You're not the one who owes anyone anything here.

You can take time away from her if that's what you need.

Why would she hide the fact it wasn't consensual? Surely you'd be more likely to stay with her if it was rape that if she chose to cheat. I don't understand that logic.

I second this.

I hope that if it is rape she is able to talk about it and get the support and help she needs.

At the same time, I also hope that she isn't blurring the lines deliberately to emotionally blackmail you. You seem a caring person, but to agree to attempt to forgive and move past it the same day you find out doesn't seem like you've given it much thought and are letting your heart rule.

Give your self time to think about things properly and process your emotions.

SuziSecondLaw · 08/05/2022 18:00

fantalimon · 08/05/2022 16:51

Trust is a big thing for me.

The thing that is making me want to forgive, is that she was almost passed out drunk. She blacked out for bits of it, and said she definitely said no at the start. He insisted he went home with her and got into her taxi as she was taking herself home.

Wow, I missed this part when I first commented.. This sounds like rape.

Palmfrond · 08/05/2022 18:03

fantalimon · 08/05/2022 17:39

Sorry, I am still trying to figure out stuff in my head. Appreciate people's points of view.

My girlfriend is distraught, and has admitted feeling suicidal after this. She said she wouldn't know how to live without me. I am trying to figure out if maybe she is trying to cover/hide the fact that it was non consensual

It does sound a bit like emotional blackmail tbh, a bit gaslighty and trying to dig her way out of a hole.

itsmeagainlol · 08/05/2022 18:05

I think she put herself in a vulnerable position and someone took advantage of it and had non consensual sex with her, which is rape.

Does she know who this man was? Does she work with him?

If she had been sober and this had happened I would not forgive because it would have been a deliberate act, but I think she was a victim here.
Disgusting that her friends did not help her, but if she can face it she should report it to the police. Sometimes that is worse than the rape. Failing that she needs an STD test and some support to process what happened. She also needs to put in a strategy where she doesn't put herself in harms way again. It's so easy to say the only one committing a crime here was the other man, which is true, but she also needs to learn by this.
I would forgive her. Maybe have some joint counselling so that you don't brood on it and that helps her with what happened. She needs support now.

thedancingbear · 08/05/2022 18:05

Palmfrond · 08/05/2022 18:03

It does sound a bit like emotional blackmail tbh, a bit gaslighty and trying to dig her way out of a hole.

Show quote history

Are you serious? She was raped.

OP, your girlfriend has done nothing wrong. You need to support her through this, not post on women's forums about whether you should dump her.