When you are NC with a parent, what happens with the rest of the family?

[Coffeeaddict1992]

I’m NC with my mum. We haven’t seen each other for 5 years. For context, she’s been a rubbish mother and she’s an alcoholic. We text sometimes but I only really text back to keep the peace and some part of me is just a pushover who always gets sucked back in. I used to care many years ago, but I’ve gone NC a few times and have always forgiven her previously. The issue is, she won’t take responsibility for anything she’s done. Also because she’s an alcoholic, she won’t change either. After around 10 years of me trying to forgive her behaviour I chose not to see her anymore and it’s been nearly 5 years. I genuinely have stopped seeing her as a parent. There is no relationship or connection there anymore.

I’m interested to hear other peoples stories about how you handled family events, and other family members giving their opinions. I receive the comments like (she’s still your mum).... all the time. Or (if she gets too drunk we’ll just get her a taxi home)! Or (your gonna have to see her eventually). The truth is, I don’t judge them for these comments because they’ve all got great supportive parents, they genuinely couldn’t possibly understand what it must be like.

My mum is a selfish alcoholic, emotionally unavailable, bitter, narcissistic, and very stubborn. My father has never been in my life, and my step dad has been in prison for years. I’ve had to survive with no parents to care for me and no support from so called family, who never extended a hand to me through my teenage years when I had nowhere to go, or now that I’m an adult. They are all too afraid of her cutting them off. I don’t see that as a bad thing, she’s really not very nice to be around. I think she has also told them her version of events of why we have fallen out. That’s what worries me too, I have no idea what they’ve been told.

Aunties, and cousins text me and also talk about me behind my back about why I don’t go to family events. The reason I didn’t go before was because me and my mum weren’t speaking at all for a couple of years, they continued to invite us both to gatherings despite her ruining every other event she’s been invited to because she got so wasted. Every invite has involved a pub, usually her local pub to make things even worse. Everything is planned to revolve around her because they know it’s easier for her to get home drunk if it’s from her local pub down the road. It’s almost like they are enabling her behaviour and her drinking. Any other events have been summer drinks in someone’s garden or a bbq type of thing, all involving alcohol. I chose to make excuses not to go and only met up with my close cousins. The wider family see me as a mystery, and ask why I don’t see them. I’ve never been invited anywhere alone, not for dinner or for a coffee.

I was trying not to make it awkward for any of us and I didn’t go to family events. So I’ve effectively isolated myself even further and it looks like I don’t want to be a part of the family. Now that me and my mum text sometimes it’s not so raw, I will be able to show up if I’m invited to something soon. I won’t be best friends with her but I think I could manage to be in the same room as her. If she gets drunk or starts any drama I will just keep myself away or I will just leave early. My problem is, that in my mind, she’s not my mother. She’s just someone that I used to know. I don’t want to carry on like this, but my family will always choose her. I don’t think they know the whole truth and I don’t want to tell them my side of the story because it will seem like I’m trying to get them on my side.

If I go NC with most of them, they will all say that I was clearly the problem all along. I have nothing against them, but I don’t want my suffering to be minimised to make it more convenient for them. I don’t want a relationship with my mum, I don’t see her as my mum anymore and I came to terms with that years ago. I don’t want to fall out with my family but I can’t keep passing up on invites, I’m worried that if we are in the same room together family members will try to get us to make up with each other. Again, minimising my trauma and my issues. They don’t understand and don’t know the truth about what I’ve been through. I just want to feel at peace, but this is playing on my mind.

I think I need therapy but I don’t know where to start. Please help me to navigate this awkwardness. I don’t want to distance myself anymore from my wider family but at the same time I don’t want to be around her. I don’t think I’ve got a choice. I know I will be invited to a gathering soon as summer is coming up. These events are usually aunties, uncles and cousins. So around 15 of us at a time.

@fedup078 did that help? There being NO hope of an epiphany?

@TryingNotToReact9to5
Possibly
I'm not really sure . I'm not sure I've really tried to comes to terms with any of it yet
It was 2 years ago and happened 1 week after my baby was born and then lockdown so ... I'm keeping it at arms length and not sure I want to think it over too much

My mothers siblings cut me off too despite us never having an issue with each other, 3 of 4 of my cousins still talk to me sometimes but I’m never invited to anything family wise.

I was forced to go nc with my narcissistic mother

it didn’t go down too well-my father enables her,no matter how badly she behaves
my brothers are as bad as her in the narc stakes

rest of the family are her flying monkeys-I got sick of them trampling all over the boundaries I put in place

i lost a lot of people-my dad,brothers,aunts,uncles,cousins and lots of other people who think the sun shines out of her arsehole

its a loss but I have my dp’s family,friends who refuse to tell my family anything and other people in my life that know me-not the version she loves to tell of me (the ‘nicer’ ones are that I belong in broadmoor and that I have a split personality)

if anyone tells me that she’s my mother,she loves me and I should go back to her,get cut out of my life-no questions asked

life is too short for people in my life that behave like this

@fedup078 @Coffeeaddict1992
My dad died over a decade ago and we could never discuss what had happened. My therapist probed my relationship with my dad more closely because the betrayal by him telling me that I was a liar and a fantasist was worse for me in a way and the relationship was never ever fixed. My SM is much the same in a "well I know your mum and she could never have done those things because she said she didn't" type of way. My DS asked me why I'd never confronted my mother and I told him that a) she could/would never admit anything because that would make her the liar & b) it would make no difference to my life to have the chance to say my piece. At the moment I am undergoing chemo for cancer and we have been very careful in who we have told because if my mother gets a sniff of potential weakness then the letters will start again. We haven't even told my SM because she will tell mother immediately because she will see it as a mother's right to know and not my right to confidentiality which is what's happened every time we've moved - at the first opportunity SM has given mother my new address every bloody time despite being asked not to.
I know that I will never get closure from either parent and I made my peace with that fact a long time ago.

The wider family is why I have not gone no with mine. She’s in her 80s, gets pissed every night and has been repeatedly told that I won’t hang round if she’s drinking then acts all surprised when I disappear when she opens her first bottle.

Trouble is, her family are totally enmeshed, as was I growing up. I moved out ASAP and have gradually reduced contact. This year, I really don’t want to visit but I know I’ll be slagged off to high heaven if I don’t visit dear old mum. Her side of the family ok after her/take her shopping and already think I’m awful. I tried bringing her to my house (opposite ends of the country) last year but it was equally horrific.

My DH was nc with his parents for 20 years, from the birth of our dc. He is now lc. What I wanted to say was about DH having children, he has never repeated the mistakes his parents made, he has strived and succeeded in being a different parent and he is an amazing one. We often talk about his family we’re towards him and how they try and maintain that control now, DH is the opposite with our dc, he is open, honest, loving and never controls who they are or what they do. It is possible to be different.

I think you have worked out so much without therapy, OP, astounding. Some therapy might help you too, but find yourself a good one you feel a connection with (not wishy-washy is my advice. Shop around till you find someone who suits you, if you do decide to go down that path). Therapy doesn’t solve everything, it never can, but it can be of help. Healing comes in all forms and is always a growing thing as we go through life.

re. the family, I suspect one obviously disordered person, it usually means there’s a vein of it running all through most of extended family. Whether nature or nurture I don’t know, my experience anyway. So near that in mind.

I suspect I’m a lot older than you OP. I’ve had periods of LC and NC with my mother. I do whatever brings me the most peace at the time is my only outlook. I have very, very little contact with extended family. They live in another country. But we have little in common and there have been a few major rifts which mean I just don’t want to be dealing with it any more. I’m cordial in the once a year contact I have and I’m happy with that. You work out what brings you the most peace. It might take a while but you can get there.

Also, I think after (longer?) periods of distancing, it gets easier to practice “emotional detachment”, whether NC or LC. Cordially if you wish. This might help with creating boundaries with extended family. I think you building your own kind of life is the key too, which it seems you have been doing, whatever that is for you. You don’t have to be around people choosing to be unconscious and badly behaved through alcohol. You get to choose to live your life differently, as your own will desires, don’t let others try and drag you back.

im not sure about “explaining” things to extended family. It depends how mature they are I suppose. In a dysfunctional family tree, not many are IMO. Maybe speaking to a therapist first might help?

I feel I've lost respect for them and I don't want to do that any more. But there has been no initiation of contact, I'm still just my mother's daughter,

@TryingNotToReact9to5 I also notice this dynamic. The lack of interest and curiosity, the passivity. Just wanted to say with you and OP I have a similar experience. Though the distance probably worked out best for me in the end.

Thanks guys for letting me know about your experiences. I’ve felt so isolated as if I was the one in the wrong. Logically I know I’m not, I think for a lot of families it’s easier to put up with the abusive person because then they don’t have to make a stand. My auntie is still close with my mum despite everything she’s done. She ruined her daughter’s wedding and still, she has a relationship with her. I don’t enjoy being around my mum I find that I’m always on edge. She’s moody, miserable and everything is negative. I genuinely feel that she sucks the joy out of the room. If they want to continue a relationship with her then good for them but personally, I don’t feel that I’m missing out on much.

@Coffeeaddict1992
I don't know if anyone has already mentioned this but there is an excellent book by Susan Forward called Toxic Parents: Overcoming their legacy and reclaiming your life. It is probably the best book available and has helped me and thousands of others. I would 1000% recommend you read this as a starting point.

OP. I also survived without a parent or wider family (I don't know how I did it)

I have just gone to visit my Mother on her deathbed. She was vile. I regret it.

I have just decided not to put myself through the Funeral where I'd have to see wider family too. They have / will never understand so why suffer it. It's too late.

I am sorry you are going through this x

@52andblue, it’s amazing how some of us survive without family isn’t it? Some of us can be very vulnerable in that situation it must be said. People with loving and supportive families almost live in a parallel universe I sometimes think. But there’s a big world out there OP with some great things in it, including, maybe you! Engaging with an unsympathetic or conflict-ridden family can be very draining. I occasionally think of that Joan Armatrading song “MeMyselfI” which is a kind of wonderful clarion call, to my mind.