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Original poster

DS wants to live with his dad...

101 replies

Baldacci · 07/05/2022 08:55

We divorced 5 years ago. We share the 3 ds 5050

Ds (11) has now said he wants to live with his dad.
When he's with me he's difficult and tantrumy.
I'm not allowed to raise my voice or argue or disagree with him without him getting upset and wanting to call his dad.

Over the last few months the requests to call or facetime have increased. I do allow it but I try to sort it out myself first but it escalates.
He usually sobs and cries to his dad about how awful I am. Last week he told exdh he wanted him to come get him but of course I refused.
Last week he told me he wants to live with dad for now and see me sometimes. I have no idea what to do. Exdh would absolutely love it I've no doubt, he blames me for the divorce as I instigated it.I worry this will just drive us further apart and what about his contact with his brothers ??

OP posts:
Annoyedandirritated · 07/05/2022 08:56

Let him. You can still see him but he’s obviously unhappy. Just because you are the mum doesn’t mean you have to keep them full time if that’s not what they want

Original poster
Baldacci · 07/05/2022 09:03

I'm worried he's going to tell his dad the same and his dad will try to make it happen. Can he ? Legally?

OP posts:
IAmSantaOhYesIAm · 07/05/2022 09:05

What a difficult situation. Must be really hard. How old are his brothers? Is he in year 6 or year 7? what are you arguing about?
at that age they test the boundaries so much, what does he get away with at his dads that makes him think it will be easier there?

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/05/2022 09:05

You’re equal parents so why wouldn’t it be possible or legal?

It sounds difficult for both of you so if this is what he wants, dad agrees, you’ll still be able to see him, it gives you some space, then why now try it?

You have equal care at the moment so it’s not like he has an unrealistic idea of what life with is like.

KangarooKenny · 07/05/2022 09:05

You have them 50:50 now, so would be actually go to court to get one child 100% ? I doubt it. Why don’t you just let him float between you as he wants ?

c3pu · 07/05/2022 09:08

I'm worried he's going to tell his dad the same and his dad will try to make it happen. Can he ? Legally?

Of course he can, if he has parental responsibility he has as much reason to have his child live with him as you.

Would it be viable for ds to live with his father?

zafferana · 07/05/2022 09:13

If you have your DC 50:50 then they 'live' with both of you anyway. Is that arrangement court-mandated? If so, that's your answer to your DS.

IME 11 can be a tricky age. My older one started going through puberty at 11 and he was moody, difficult and emotional. Throw in a divorce and switching homes regularly and possibly two parents who don't get on and you're got a recipe for trouble.

Original poster
Baldacci · 07/05/2022 09:13

His dad would absolutely take him . We parent 5050 and live close by. I do concede he is a good parent, and when ds calls him upset and crying he DOES calm him.
I just think its giving in to him, letting him call the shots. He's so angry with me all the time and really sees me as the bad guy and his dad as perfect.
I just don't want it to happen and I'm worried exdh will try to make it happen to enforce it. Could he ?
What steps could I put in place to preempt it ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Baldacci · 07/05/2022 09:15

Its not a child arrangement order. We have agreed a 5050 schedule drawn up by me and agreed by both of us.
Lately though ds wants to see ex more and in the calls he's asking him to come over etc which I don't and won't allow. I don't want him in my home.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 07/05/2022 09:16

I just don't want it to happen and I'm worried exdh will try to make it happen to enforce it. Could he ?

yes he could. He could apply to court. They will ask your DS what he wants and assess what's best for him.

What steps could I put in place to preempt it ?

nothing. Working on your relationship with DS is the only think you can work on that might preempt this.

DolphinaPD · 07/05/2022 09:17

Why shouldn't he call the shots on where he lives? You did re: yourself, and left his dad 🤷‍♀️

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 07/05/2022 09:19

Sounds like he blames you for keeping him from his df even though you aren't. Maybe exh dangles all sorts of carrots when he is there.. Ime your ds needs to experience what ft is like. Tell them you agree to a month's trial - not officially at this stage. . See ds at arranged times. My ds stayed away a year when exh made life soooo appealing... He can back and went nc with his df after that. Declaring he needed an actual parent.

MarJau26 · 07/05/2022 09:19

Why are you so against it? You say he is a good dad, so what is the problem? You being the mother doesn't mean you have more rights. Let him go and he can then decide where he feels happier living.

Quartz2208 · 07/05/2022 09:19

If he really wants to go more - why not let him try something like EOW and one night a week with you. It sounds like it may well improve your relationship. And gives him a chance to see it

What is the current arrangment - how often does he move. It maybe that he finds that all stressful.

The reality is he is allowed a say in this - he is allowed somewhat to call the shots as to making a decision as to where he lives and I think you may need to move forward with this before it gets pushed too far.

AgentJohnson · 07/05/2022 09:20

Your son is unhappy, it isn’t a competition. He’s telling you what he wants but you aren’t listening. It’s time to sit down with his father to talk about this.

RandomMess · 07/05/2022 09:20

How do you share the 50:50, could it be tweaked so he has more waking time with Dad without the official overnight split changing?

Is his Dad less strict or gives him more freedom?

Flatandhappy · 07/05/2022 09:23

Would it be so bad? Your DS is at an age where developmentally he will be moving a bit away from mum and looking for the male influences in his life. It is not a rejection of you (although of course it feels like that). As a mediator working with separated families (and children sometimes) I would suggest you have a conversation with your ex about how your DS spending time more time with him might work. The important thing is that your DS thinks that you and your ex are on the same page and that if he does live with his dad and spends time with you it is a decision his parents have made, taking into account his opinions, it is not something he has decided. If your ex sees it as “winning” it will be more difficult. As kids get older it is common for arrangements that were made when they were younger need to change. Good luck.

GingeryLemons · 07/05/2022 09:24

Are you focused on maintaining connection with your child, or control over your child? Consider your motives carefully here, because your son will notice.

Original poster
Baldacci · 07/05/2022 09:25

The children move every three days.
It ends up we have them every other weekend.
Exdh says he is more strict than me, they go to bed earlier at his apparently.
I don't know what it is that's so appealing.
I worry about the relationship with his brothers, they might be upset to lose their brother.
His older sibling in particular will.miss him .
My house is bigger too, I don't understand.

OP posts:
GiltEdges · 07/05/2022 09:28

GingeryLemons · 07/05/2022 09:24

Are you focused on maintaining connection with your child, or control over your child? Consider your motives carefully here, because your son will notice.

Exactly this. What is your actual objection if your ex is a decent parent, would happily have him and lives nearby, so your DS could still spend time with you/his brothers easily?

Your DS has expressed a desire to live with his DF and you seem to have decided that just because that's his preference, it's worth opposing for the sake of "not giving in". Not a great way to foster a positive relationship with your son as a teenager/adult, which he'll be before long.

Your decision to support or oppose him now is absolutely pivotal and he won't forget it.

springtimeishereagain · 07/05/2022 09:28

They move every three days? That sounds really unsettling for you all. The kids must never know where they are supposed to be.

I'd focus on improving your relationship with your ds. Counselling might help him. 11 can be a really tricky age too.

Definitely try to talk to your ex about this too so you're on the same page so your ds isn't playing you off against each other.

Good luck. It sounds really upsetting. I hope you can resolve it.

Punkypinky · 07/05/2022 09:30

OP this sounds really hard. I think he can legally live with either of you. If it went to court they would ask your sons wishes and feelings and those would be taken into account but then so would fine with siblings and how well dad could care for him.

big hugs if my daughter decided to live with her dad I'd be heartbroken so I see why you're upset.

witchofthenorth · 07/05/2022 09:32

You don't have to understand. You have to listen and put the needs of your son before yours in this instance. He clearly isn't a happy boy and is telling you what he needs. You have no issue with his father parenting and he is 11. Plenty old enough to make that decision so long as there are no safeguarding issues. If there is 50/50 then contact with his siblings isn't a problem. They will still see him.

As for preempting? Not a thing you can do. Your ExH has full parental rights and yours don't trump his. This isn't a competition, it's about what your son needs.

Have the conversation and organise this, he may well go stay with dad and realise that mum is actually better, or he may stay with dad and settle and become happier. Regardless, what you want to happen is irrelevant, as difficult as it is, listen to him.

Punkypinky · 07/05/2022 09:32

That should say so would time with siblings.

Quartz2208 · 07/05/2022 09:36

Moving every 3 days is far too much - no wonder there are issues with it.