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Original poster

DS wants to live with his dad...

101 replies

Baldacci · 07/05/2022 08:55

We divorced 5 years ago. We share the 3 ds 5050

Ds (11) has now said he wants to live with his dad.
When he's with me he's difficult and tantrumy.
I'm not allowed to raise my voice or argue or disagree with him without him getting upset and wanting to call his dad.

Over the last few months the requests to call or facetime have increased. I do allow it but I try to sort it out myself first but it escalates.
He usually sobs and cries to his dad about how awful I am. Last week he told exdh he wanted him to come get him but of course I refused.
Last week he told me he wants to live with dad for now and see me sometimes. I have no idea what to do. Exdh would absolutely love it I've no doubt, he blames me for the divorce as I instigated it.I worry this will just drive us further apart and what about his contact with his brothers ??

OP posts:

PumpkinsandKittens · 07/05/2022 12:10

Doesn’t matter if he is the “fun parent” the op said he is a good dad so not sure why posters are going against that, the op said he is a good father, he’s hardly the fun Disney dad that only does EOW is he if they are both 50/50

PumpkinsandKittens · 07/05/2022 12:11

Child are at an age where they get their own say and 11 is about that age, regardless of what type of parent the ex is.

thenewduchessoflapland · 07/05/2022 12:11

Sent to soon by mistake

*week.She also thought she'd have an easy ride being at days but school staff noticed the sudden lack of homework,declining hygiene,tiredness from too many late nights and being late to school.

Living full time at dads wasn't what it was all cracked up to be and a year later she was back at mums.

IncompleteSenten · 07/05/2022 12:15

I'd let him. The reality of it will be very different. For both of them.

He wants to live with his dad. You can either continue to say no and he continues to be really angry and eventually go anyway because he'll be too old for you to stop him and he'll resent you.

Or.

He goes. Dad has to do all the day to day parenting and it's not so easy to be the 'good guy' when you're the main carer. Give it a few months for him to see the grass isn't greener and you may find he wants to come home.

His dad may even only be supporting it because he thinks you'll refuse and he gets to be the good guy and you're bad, selfish mum. If you say ok, he wants to live with you, I've packed up all his stuff, come get him. We'll sort out visitation... There's a chance he'll come up with reasons that won't work.

Hesheweeshe · 07/05/2022 12:17

Is there anyway you and xh can put on a united front so when the tantrums or upset happens he comes over or in the FT you are united and he backs you up. I know no matter how much my dh disliked his xdw, if she was having problems with ds (and there were times when he started the ill live with my dad line) she would (as a last resort obviously) call my dh and he would go round and support her in whatever issue they were having. Tbh it only happened a few times and it swiftly nipped it in the bud. Its the divide and conquer but also maybe your son is just struggling with you not being a united couple and pushing because he feels unsafe (not literally but emotionally)....hugs

CandyLeBonBon · 07/05/2022 12:25

My ex has now chosen to have nothing to do with our now 3 teens. But when he was seeing them, even if it broke my heart (which it would've) had they expressed such keenness to live with him at that age, I would have supported them. The reasons you give for not agreeing are very much based around your wants and needs, not his.

I understand it's upsetting but really, he's not a possession and I guarantee it will get a lot worse when he hits his teen years. Better to work out a solution - maybe 5 days with dad and 2 days one week, then the reverse the other week. I agree that moving every 3 days might be too nomadic for him. But you can't 'keep' him. That's unreasonable when he's asking for something to change.

Seraphinesupport · 07/05/2022 12:38

sorry but i think you should let him. dont drive him away, show him you love him and be there for him but let him live with his dad.

Maybe he will learn that both parents arnt always all fun and games

chaiformeplease · 07/05/2022 12:41

So hard for you OP, I dread my DS asking this when he’s older. The way I’m coping with it atm is to allow DS to go to his dad’s whenever he asks to - although initially delighted, XH is finding the increased responsibility impinges on his free time, and is starting to be “too busy”. meanwhile my relationship with DS has stayed the same, I’m not the bad guy (although like you I instigated the split) and he knows where life is steady and calm when he’s ready to come back to it.

I think this is one of those times when you’re going to have to let go to keep him, swallow hard and let your flexibility allow DS to come to his own conclusions.

hugs, this stuff is far from easy 💙

SD1978 · 07/05/2022 13:03

If he said the same about his dad, and wanting to stay with you and see his dad as a more EOW set up as he was more comfortable with that- would you have supported that? Sometimes the set up you want, isn't the best one for the child, and that's the most important thing. He is happier at his dads, he's not saying he never wants to see you, and the,other kids will be there regularly to see him. I think you maybe have to look at this from a more neutral view at least for a bit, than with your it's best to be with mum bias.

TimBoothseyes · 07/05/2022 13:57

I think you need to look at this in one of 2 ways. If your son goes to his dads, what is the worst that can happen? You'll still be seeing him 50% of the time so nothing will change there. It may not work out and your son will move back with you. OR, you say no and risk your son moving in anyway in a few years time and resenting you. The question you need to answer is which is going to be the least painful for both you and your son?

Oblomov22 · 07/05/2022 14:08

Is he ds3? If so, might you consider getting the older 2 to talk to him. They Tell him he's being unreasonable, Mum cares for him and dad is only a Disney dad and yeah dad'll let him get away with murder but that's not actually good for him. (Or some such similar)

Ds1 told ds2 today that we weren't being mean, that he had to suck it up.
You might need back up here because if you're not careful this could easily slip into you becoming the disciplinarian bad parent and DH looking really attractive.

Oblomov22 · 07/05/2022 14:10

Sorry just seen update about younger siblings, so I'm assuming he's Ds1?
That makes it trickier.

User3568975431146 · 07/05/2022 14:11

It's what's best for your child that's important. If he's happier with his dad then he should live with him. It might well improve your relationship.

Sh05 · 07/05/2022 14:22

You sound like you're making excuses and I completely understand why but for the sake of your relationship with ds1 I think you should let him.
He's probably built up a scenario in his head of how it's going to be living with his dad which may or may not turn out to be true but if you stop him when he's adamant that's what he wants he will resent you.
Agree a trial period with your ex on board and see how it goes.

AlternativePerspective · 07/05/2022 14:33

Who says he’s a Disney dad though?

I realise that the majority of posters here think the OP should let her DS live with his dad, but the reality is that if the OP posted that her ds no longer wants to go to his dad’s everyone would be supporting her.

At the end of the day this lad is clearly closer to his dad than his mum, it happens. And although I understand that it’s hard the most important thing is what is best for him. It might just be that he has the better relationship with his dad, and there really is no reason why he shouldn’t live there.

HollowTalk · 07/05/2022 14:36

Do you think your ex might have been telling your son that you are the reason why the family has split?

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 07/05/2022 15:18

OP has said he is stricter than her - so not at all a Disney dad. She has said nothing to indicate that he is, but people are assuming he must be. Probably because so many are.

Oblomov22 · 07/05/2022 15:22

Sorry, I posted about Disney, before seeing the update about dad making them go to bed earlier than mum.

YRGAM · 07/05/2022 15:25

IncompleteSenten · 07/05/2022 12:15

I'd let him. The reality of it will be very different. For both of them.

He wants to live with his dad. You can either continue to say no and he continues to be really angry and eventually go anyway because he'll be too old for you to stop him and he'll resent you.

Or.

Did you even bother reading the post before rushing in to blame the ex? They are 50 50, he already does the 'day to day parenting'. Please don't give advice that is ultimately rooted in prejudice

PeekAtYou · 07/05/2022 16:12

HollowTalk · 07/05/2022 14:36

Do you think your ex might have been telling your son that you are the reason why the family has split?

It's far from unusual for a pre-teen /teen boy to prefer their father. My son is a teen and prefers his father but ex doesn't live close enough to ds school to make living with him a possibility.

In primary school I was the preferred parent but ds enjoys seeing his dad and is almost 16 and happily goes to his house EOW

Tamzo85 · 07/05/2022 16:16

OP could your son wanting to live with his father be because he knows you are the one who wanted the divorce? Unless there was serious wrongdoing by his Dad then he may well have anger toward you over both divorcing his dad and his current living situation.

Perhaps before he always saw you as Mum who would always be there and his home as his safe place and maybe now he sees you as Mum who left his dad because she fell out of love and broke up the family home and now he’s going between homes because of it?

He may well feel better with his dad because of this and have some anger toward you even if he hasn’t mentioned it.

I don’t know how his father treated you but if he wasn’t a jerk then you must have realised that choosing to leave him could effect your childrens relationship with you and how they saw you/felt around you?

Tamzo85 · 07/05/2022 16:19

@HollowTalk

Do you think your ex might having been telling your son that you are the reason the family has split?

The thing is if it’s the truth then why wouldn’t he? I don’t think a parent should be pretending that the split is mutually wanted when it’s not. The children deserve some answers as to why their parents are divorcing and their living in different homes. Why not the honest ones?

The kids will figure out that splits in marriage are rarely totally mutual anyway.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 07/05/2022 16:23

Baldacci · 07/05/2022 11:44

I think the younger siblings would miss him, and there may be some jealousy yes.

Well he is 11. Pretty soon he is going to be spending full days and nights and weekends off out with his mates.

And as for the jealousy - you just tell the dc that 11 is the age they can free flow, but before that, there has to be a proper arrangement as they need supervision more. I'd switch to every 5 days though

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 07/05/2022 16:25

I disagree - young children need to know that sometimes parents don't want to live together and don't live each other any more. They don't need to know the ins and outs of it, and don't even need to know the reasons except in some very specific circs and even then it should only be topline.
When they are older teens more honesty may be appropriate but OPs son should absolutely not know that mum left dad and dad didn't want her to. It's not at all fair to put kids in a position, which that sort of knowledge inevitably does, of having to choose which parent to support based on perceived wrongdoing.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 07/05/2022 16:26

That was in reply to Tamz

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