DS wants to live with his dad...

[Baldacci]

We divorced 5 years ago. We share the 3 ds 5050

Ds (11) has now said he wants to live with his dad.
When he's with me he's difficult and tantrumy.
I'm not allowed to raise my voice or argue or disagree with him without him getting upset and wanting to call his dad.

Over the last few months the requests to call or facetime have increased. I do allow it but I try to sort it out myself first but it escalates.
He usually sobs and cries to his dad about how awful I am. Last week he told exdh he wanted him to come get him but of course I refused.
Last week he told me he wants to live with dad for now and see me sometimes. I have no idea what to do. Exdh would absolutely love it I've no doubt, he blames me for the divorce as I instigated it.I worry this will just drive us further apart and what about his contact with his brothers ??

There are no legal steps you can take. At his age, the court will set significant store in where he says he wants to live. Your husband is a good parent. I'd let him go.

Baldacci ·
The children move every three days.

It ends up we have them every other weekend.

Exdh says he is more strict than me, they go to bed earlier at his apparently.

I don't know what it is that's so appealing.
I worry about the relationship with his brothers, they might be upset to lose their brother.
His older sibling in particular will.miss him .
My house is bigger too, I don't understand.”

I’d hate to move back and forth every 3 days. Some children prefer boundaries and discipline, more important to them than living in a bigger house.
hes unhappy. Let him try it.

You might not want to hear this but some children do favour a parent more. Your ds might feel he can relate to his dad more or is at an age where he needs a male figure more. You might be able to stop this now, but in 2 years time you won't. In that 2 year period your ds might just build so much resentment against you. You are not listening to your child's feelings and wishes here. Why don't you trial a month and see how that goes?

Please let him go.
This is the only way you will keep him
And his brothers will see him.
That won't change.
At the moment they've got an unhappy brother
Surely him living with dad is best for everyone
Do what's best for ds and not what's you think is best for you.

How does dad calm him when he calls upset? Does he back you up with whatever discipline or whatever issue with you that ds is upset about?

Age 11 is when courts start to deem children likely fit to influence decisions about contact - I think you have to listen to ds and let him try what he wants. It might be right for him or he might find he doesn't like it and reverts to what you had before. Either way, by listening and being responsive to ds wishes and feelings you will ultimately improve your relationship with him. By refusing to listen and trying to block it you willl very likely push him further away from you.

How do the children feel about the 3 days then moving? Might it be that ds wants to feel more settled somewhere with less moving around? I wonder if a week/week arrangement might help?

It can work very well. With an exdp, he had 2 children, and they were with us 4 days one week, 3 days the next. Their mother only lived a couple of miles away, kids had their own rooms at both houses, exdp and his exdw coparented really well. That's the key - the parents doing best by the children.

Maybe some space and less pressure would improve the relationship between the pair of you.

Have you got a new partner that he perhaps doesn't like? Regardless, you have to listen to him. As others have said just be careful you are not using him as a pawn against your ex.

Sounds like he is directing his unhappiness about the split living towards you - which probably means he is closer to you than dad but doesn't realise it.

Just tell him he can free flow between yours and his dad's house as he likes, you will always he there for him, and he can choose where he wants to spend his time.

I would sit down with him calmly (and maybe the other 2 as well) and ask them how they feel about the move every 3 days. Really listen to what he/they have to say. Maybe write a pros and cons list.
look at other workable solutions. Give them a voice, hear them and tell them that you love them, that you want what’s best for them and that you want them to be happy.
maybe do a trial month?

Telling your so he can go t9 his Fathers will temporarily break your heart, and I say temporarily because I’ve seen this exact same scenario acted out in a family to whom we are close. I think the boy (10) was back with his Mum and siblings in under 3 months. It turned out the grass wasn’t greener at Dads. Yes he loves his Dad, but the warmth care and emotional support at Mums was valued a whole lot more upon his return. I also feel the children moving house every 3 days is way too often. Could you not consider week about?

That sounds really hard. I have no advice really but just wanted to wish you well.

I wanted to add when my ds came back a at 15 our relationship very quickly rekindled. As did all with his siblings.. He is nearly 21 and we are so close... You really aren't losing yuri9ds op. Though I absolutely get feels that way.
Imo your dd wants a more stable base for his life. Moving so often isn't great..

Personally I'd let him go.
It can only improve your relationship with him if things are as bad as you say.
A little extra distance will do you both good and you'll both have time to reassess.
Once the honeymoon period at Dad's is over (for both Dad and your DS) the dynamics are likely to be very different to how things are now too and there's a possibility he may decide he would like to be back with you- who knows? But as it stands if you prevent him from living predominantly with his Father then you are only going to push him further to him and ruin your relationship into the bargain!

What a difficult situation OP, I'm separated from my eldest son's dad and if he'd ever suggested this it would have absolutely broken my heart.

I think you do need to listen to him though. It's such a tough age. My DS was really really argumentative at that age, I just don't think he could really comprehend everything, and was almost expected to cope with stuff that children shouldn't really have to. We turned a corner when he hit 12/13, I think everything started to make sense and he seemed less angry.

I agree with a previous poster, as you live close to each other, is there an option for him to come and go as he pleases at both houses? He may work out a routine himself quite quickly.

Have you considered family counselling?

Wishing you well x

He sounds very unhappy.
I too would hate to move every 3 days.

As you say his Dad is a good Dad, why not try it for a month or 2 until the end of term? Live with Dad consistently in the week, comes to you the weekends the other kids are with you, and one evening a week for tea.

Let him, tbh if you was posting saying your 11 year old didn’t want to go to his dads house anymore you would be told to stop sending him and it’s his choice so why don’t you think this can apply the other way round?!

The children move every three days.

I can't tell you how much I'd have hated that as a DC - and I was a DC of divorced DPs. I can see why 50:50 is seen as the 'right' and 'fair' thing to do these days, but I honestly don't think it's in the interest of DC to be shuttled back and forth like this. We lived with our DM and spent EOW with our dad. It wasn't ideal, because absolutely nothing would've been aside from them being happy and staying married to one another, but I think it was the best compromise. I really feel for DC with divorced parents nowadays who have to spend half the week here and half the week there - ugh - so unsettling. It sounds to me OP like what your DS is crying out for is some stability in his life.

Your son is quickly approaching an age where a judge would allow him to never see you if that's what he wanted. (Age 12/13 ish) You won't be able to stop this if that's what he says he wants.

So in order for him not to go nuclear, I'd allow a 60/40 or 70/30 arrangement. Is there a risk his siblings will want to copy? You can prevent younger siblings changing from 50/50 but could it cause jealousy issues that he's having extra one on one with dad?

I think the younger siblings would miss him, and there may be some jealousy yes.

Then you need to present it as an age thing - he's always going to be the oldest and therefore will be treated differently - you wouldn't presumably stop him having driving lessons at 17 because the younger ones will be jealous?

There's no reason you can't say that once the others start secondary school they too can have greater choice over which house to go to.

Are you the bad parent for wanting homework done and teeth cleaned?

I think that what's really important here is that you and your ex talk about this sensibly together ON YOUR OWN and present a united front to your son, the boy sounds like he's playing you off against each other and that's never a good thing. It may be best to let him go to live with his dad from what you've written otherwise your relationship may never recover

I would let him go for a while and see if things improve

Your relationship might be less strained that way

It depends;does dad discipline him?;enforce chores,homework,good behaviour,personal hygiene etc?

Does he think he'll get an easier ride at dads?;is he jealous of younger siblings?

My friends daughter move in with her dad at 12;she was very jealous of her two younger siblings and her dad is an extremely lazy parent who doesn't enforce anything.She move in with him because she thought she'd get his full attention on the days her siblings weren't there and thought it would be great to be an only child x days of the We