DS wants to live with his dad...

[Baldacci]

We divorced 5 years ago. We share the 3 ds 5050

Ds (11) has now said he wants to live with his dad.
When he's with me he's difficult and tantrumy.
I'm not allowed to raise my voice or argue or disagree with him without him getting upset and wanting to call his dad.

Over the last few months the requests to call or facetime have increased. I do allow it but I try to sort it out myself first but it escalates.
He usually sobs and cries to his dad about how awful I am. Last week he told exdh he wanted him to come get him but of course I refused.
Last week he told me he wants to live with dad for now and see me sometimes. I have no idea what to do. Exdh would absolutely love it I've no doubt, he blames me for the divorce as I instigated it.I worry this will just drive us further apart and what about his contact with his brothers ??

You're jumping to conclusions here. OP might have ended the marriage because he's an addict or adulterer?

When I split from my ex, my dd went through a period of feeling sorry for her Dad but realised that his gf was living with him so he had company.

OP do you think you're too soft? (I am wondering why he prefers the stricter parent)

@BewareTheBeardedDragon

He likely already knows unless everything leading up to the divorce was kept absolutely secret and both parents did a convincing happily married act until suddenly sprinting a divorce announcement.

If a kid asks their dad “didn’t you want to be married to my mum anymore?” - how can he seriously lie and say no when that’s not the truth. That benifets no one but the Mum who wants to keep that secret.

Im not slamming her for leaving, I’m just saying if you choose to leave a marriage then it’s not reasonable to expect your ex to make up a lie and say they wanted it too, just because that’s easier for you. That is the choice you make.
Now that doesn’t mean they have to be at each other’s throats or unable to coparent, but there’s no reason to lie. If the child was old enough to change their living situation to two homes without parents together - then their old enough for the truth about the breakup (which will be easier to take than the actual breakups).

@PeekAtYou

I’m not saying I hat is the case, I’m just saying that If there was no serious wrongdoing by him then this could be the case.
If it is then especially for a boy he may view his Mum differently. Maybe even be able to identify or see himself in his fathers shoes. After all she didn’t just split the fam for the husband - it had the same effect on him also.

But like I say I don’t know their relationship.

@Tamzo85 we will have to agree to disagree

Could you trial it over the summer holidays? Maybe the break will make him see he misses his brothers more etc. Would moving to his Dad's effect the catchment for his school? Once he's had some extended time at Dad's and realises it isn't all disney magic all of the time, he may very well want to come home. Obviously there is a chance he won't want to come home, but then you can work on making sure when you do see him you have a really lovely time to build that relationship back up?

I confused. You say you have 3DC, in one of your first posts you say older sibling would miss your DS, then go in to say his younger siblings would miss him. Do you also have other DC that you don't share with ExH?
Having come from a broken family myself, I wanted to live with my DDad for years before it happened. When it finally did, my relationship with DM was no more.
Please respect your DSs opinion on where he wants to live and build on that. You will probably find that after a few weeks he may want to come home.
I don't mean to sound nasty here but you seem to be making decisions on what you want rather than what is best for your DS. His brothers may miss him but they'll still see plenty of him.

My eldest dd wanted to do this. It never happened as there wasn't space at her dads and he didn't really want to (although he told he he did) it hurt but I would have let her if it had been possible. Sometimes some space helps people see what they really need.

Your children move every three days? Im not surprise one has decided he wants to stay in one place. That must be incredibly difficult and unsettling.
I'm always amazed people put their children through this two homes business.

Listen to him, and put his needs first, hes a child

@FredtheCatsMum

I suppose the alternative to two homes is one parent barely sees their own child. Or they stay together.

There have been a few posts on this thread saying it’s too much to move around, but whose home should he have gone too? The assumption seems to be hers?

Given that she chose to leave her husband it would be extremely unfair for him to also have his relationship with his child lessened to the degree of his children living full time with her as well, simply based on her wish. I really doubt that’s something the boy would thank her for either (assuming their wasn’t abuse within the marriage or to the children).

Maybe if there is to be one home, it should be her exes? After all, he never wanted anything but to live with his children in one home.

I say this as someone who hardly has a relationship with their own mother because of a similar situation (not just this situation, but it made me realise which parent cared more of my feelings rather than their own).

Your son will grow up to resent you if you don’t allow him to make the decision to live with his dad. If he’s unhappy and has said that’s what he wants, listen to him! The courts would allow it and he’s at an age where he can decide himself. You say his father is involved and can calm him, it’s not like you won’t see him anymore, it will just give you both a break from each other.

I understand it’s difficult and you might feel he prefers his dad more, but you need to put your own feelings aside and do what is right for your son, not for yourself. You will probably find your son will thrive and become more happy by allowing this, thus improving both your relationships going forward.

I would talk to him and listen to his reasons why he wants to move. Tell him you support him and whilst you and his brothers will really miss him, his happiness is important to you.

As a PP said, do a one month trial and see how it goes. If he stays with his Dad after this, then let him know he is always welcome back if he changes his mind.

Your understanding and communication at this stage will pay off in years to come and can only improve your relationship going forward, however heartbreaking it may feel now.

Not necessarily. I work in a school counseling kids in these years (ages 10-14) and a large portion of them shift to dad's house at this age full time, make or female. And stay there.

OP, I'd let him go and suggest once a week Wednesdays he's at yours and every other weekend. He'd still see his brothers and if they're not at yours on the Wednesdays you'd get some one to one time with your son to hopefully rebuild the relationship. Don't discount his mental health and happiness now.

Yeah I did.
Particularly the bit when the ex blames her and would, basically, view it as a victory.

I'd put good money on what's actually going on at dad's house that's resulting in this attitude and behaviour from the child so thanks for the advice but no, I won't be giving a different opinion to the one I previously expressed.

Why do you assume her ex is the Disney parent? oP mentions that he is a good dad, and is stricter with DS than her I thought? She doesn't mention him being a Disney dad or letting him get away with stuff

moving every 3 days?! too much.

let him go, he will come back
. Maintain an open door, be positive when you see him and he will soon realise he can have a relationship with both parents in a positive manor

@IncompleteSenten

Why does him blaming her for the breakup (accurately as she was the one who wanted it), preclude the possibility of him being a good parent whose son actually wants to live with him more?

The two things can be true without being connected. He may be upset with her for splitting the family and divorcing him - and that independent of that he may genuinely be a good parent who wants to see his child without an ulterior mother be related to her.

If a man had left her wife and her daughter wanted to go from 50/50 to living with her would we be questioning it at all here? No chance.

Ulterior motive

Well if you've read it you've either misunderstood it or just decided to make some massive biased projections.

my eldest DS is now 16 and between 11 and 13 we had a lot of this and his behaviour when at my house was really very challenging at times. He was really not keen on coming here, and quite open about the fact he only did because he wanted to see his baby brother.
His dad always backed us up, we have co-parented (including very involved step-parents) very well indeed, with shared boundaries etc.
In all honesty at times I found it emotionally very challenging to feel my son didn't like me, but I realise now that he does love and like me. He just connects better with his dad, they like the same things and in the same way that we build friendships with some people and not others I do think sometimes children feel closer to one parent than the other.

As a family you need to find a way forward. My ex was very firm with DS that he still had to come here weekly, because maintaining a relationship with us was important but for a while we did allow a little more flexibility and the 50/50 wavered in ex's favour.

Please listen to your son. They have such big emotions at that age, you must allow him to really feel heard. But he also has to learn that he can't have it all his own way, there is a compromise to be made. And really, this is probably not a reflection on you at all.

Let him go. He’s already resentful, and it’s likely if you try to stop him that his resentment will increase. He’s at an age where he may just decide to vote with his feet anyway and refuse to return to you. He will respect and appreciate you more for listening to him and respecting his wishes. Fighting him will only damage your relationship long term.

It doesn’t matter that you have less rules and the bigger house if his motivations aren’t material. He wants his father, and tbh if his father would happily have him there I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect the father to say no.

Your three children move house every three days?

op - this sounds bloody awful for them.

Children are not personal property. Let him live where he will feel comfortable and happy and focus on working on your relationship over time.

Even if he was happy at yours AND his father’s the never ending upheaval of upping sticks every three days would be a driving force in most children wanting to lay their roots in one of the parents home.

1. listen to him. Not just about this, but whatever it is that the arguments start about. It doesn't always mean saying Yes, children need and want boundaries, but it does mean listening in a way that they feel understood - or at least that you are trying to understand.

2. this comes very, very hard but accept that perhaps a child prefers one parent to another. As someone wise upthread said, their child loves them but simply has more in common with the other parent

3. can you ex put aside the crowing triumph long enough to actually work -with- you on what's best for your son? if so you'll get through this, if you can allow your son to flap his fledgling wings a bit. If not you'll honestly still have to let go a bit now before your son resents you permanently. But if you listen now, give him time and attention (this is vital and firm boundaries, and don't force him to stay then in time he will probably come back to you. No guarentees but more of a chance than if you force him to stay. You will need to talk to his younger siblings and reassure them that they will still see a lot of Pete, but for now he won't always be with you at the same time as they are.