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Original poster

TW sexual content - am I making a big deal out of nothing?

76 replies

TacoLover · 05/05/2022 13:16

trigger warning

Hi hoping for some advice.

My boyfriend slept over and yesterday morning I had to be up early for work. We kissed when we woke up and were cuddling but I said that I couldn’t do sexual stuff because it would make me late for work. He got on top of me to kiss me and I think cuddle me more but then grinded on me for a few seconds before stopping. This upset me because I made it clear that I didn’t want anything sexual to happen so it felt like this was without my consent.

When we talked about it he was very regretful and apologetic and said he didn’t know why he did it but he didn’t mean for it to be sexual, and because my legs were closed (in my mind because I didn’t want him to grind on me and I wasn’t expecting him to??) and he was higher up than normal it was more grinding on my stomach than on my vagina so it wasn’t meant to be sexual and he was trying to just be intimate with me.

He has been very apologetic but it’s made me feel really unsettled and upset especially because he knows other things have happened to me in the past without consent and I thought I could be safe with him. But on the other hand I feel like maybe I am making a massive deal out of nothing or maybe I am having an over the top reaction because of things that have happened in the past and that I would be silly to mess up an otherwise good relationship over one incident that wasn’t ‘properly’ sexual if that makes sense. I would be very grateful for some advice or comfort please.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/05/2022 13:27

It wouldn’t have bothered me.

Original poster
TacoLover · 05/05/2022 13:28

Ok thank you for your response

OP posts:
YouAreNotBatman · 05/05/2022 13:32

You said no, he didn’t respect that.
That is a problem.

Has he been pushy about sex before?
Do you think he’s actually sorry, or was his apology more like a poor-him-show?

ComtesseDeSpair · 05/05/2022 13:33

If you said “we can’t have sex because I’m late for work” then I’d interpret that as not having the time for sex rather than not consenting to a hug with a bit of petting, and I suspect he thought likewise.

Most people in relationships don’t specifically ask their partner for outright consent every time they touch them, but I think your background of what sounds like sexual abuse is obviously colouring how you feel about sex. How much does he know about it? Perhaps it’s time for a proper conversation about what sort of boundaries you need and to make it clear you expect to be specifically asked for consent each time anything sexual happens.

Motnight · 05/05/2022 13:33

Of course it was sexual.

FleurDeLizz · 05/05/2022 13:39

If you said no sexual stuff because you’d be late for work then I can see why he thought a playful cuddle would be ok. If he stopped immediately when you asked him to and you previously felt safe with him then I wouldn’t break up with him but I would be having a very serious talk with him about your boundaries and expecting him to abide by them in the future

Thingsdogetbetter · 05/05/2022 13:40

The fact he made bollocky excuses would bother me. You made it clear it was a no and he ground against you. But it wasn't sexual? Cos your legs were closed and it was your stomach? So what the fuck was he grinding for if it wasn't sexual? And he climbs on top of you for just a cuddle? He was testing the boundaries and given he knows your history that's a bit of a shity thing to do.

Personally I'd have told him to get the fuck off me before he got a whack in the bollocks - but I'm very gobby.

Regardless of his intentions he has made you feel unsafe and confused. Is it worth speaking to him about that? Do you think you will be able to return to that feeling of safety with him?

Thingsdogetbetter · 05/05/2022 13:41

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/05/2022 13:27

It wouldn’t have bothered me.

Whippee for you. Were you actually trying to be helpful but can't see past your own experiences, or just being flippantly pointless?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2022 13:42

He got on top of you to grind against you. Fucking pathetic, behaviour you might expect from a 19 year old. He totally disregarded what you said and was trying to get a shag. He sounds gross.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/05/2022 13:43

I think Comtesse makes a good point. To him, you'd said no sex and he was fine with that but wanted to get physically closer without any expectation of it going further. To you, his erection and increased contact made you fearful that he "wasn't going to take no for an answer" which is an understandable fear given your previous experience of sexual assault and nothing to do with him as a person.

People with no personal experience of sexual assault can find it very difficult to grasp how fearful and wary it can make us. Men in particular can find it hard as most don't spend their lives conscious of the disparity in physical strength between them and their partner.

If you think his apology was genuine then I hope you can talk it out and he won't do anything similar again.

DolphinaPD · 05/05/2022 13:52

I wouldn't be bothered by that either, but if you are, you are.

Speak to him again and explain exactly how you feel and see hoe you feel about it then. If he's dismissive, you'll know how to proceed.

oldwhyno · 05/05/2022 13:54

If, as a couple, you don't quickly learn how to navigate routine interactions like that without reaching for the "consent" hammer then you're probably not going to last long.

Overthewine · 05/05/2022 13:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

AverageJoan · 05/05/2022 14:04

IMO this is a big deal out of nothing. But I think if you felt uncomfortable then you are right to tell him so, this is just not something that would make me feel uncomfortable with my DP.

AryaStarkWolf · 05/05/2022 14:06

I don't want to be insensitive but to me it sounds like a non issue (and I'm not trying to be "pointlessly flippant"). I agree with both @oldwhyno and @Overthewine posts.

Tigergirl37 · 05/05/2022 14:07

Agree with the majority of posters @TacoLover - you have overreacted and based on your conversation afterwards he sounds like a respectful guy who knew sex was off the table but not an intimate cuddle. Perhaps turn it round and appreciate this is how he feels about you.

Original poster
TacoLover · 05/05/2022 14:09

Ok thank you for all your responses. In my head saying that I couldn’t because I was going to be late for work wasn’t an invitation to grind on me but I understand how he could have interpreted it differently and I think my past is definitely having an impact here. I think him asking me before doing things until I feel more comfortable (it’s quite a new relationship) would make me feel better so I will ask him to do this going forward.

OP posts:
Etinoxaurus · 05/05/2022 14:10
Flowers Your boundaries are your boundaries. Good for you for listening to yourself. Listen to him too, he misjudged and has apologised. It’s recoverable if you want to.
Pokske · 05/05/2022 14:10

To be honest, I couldn't stand the grinding.
The only time I could stand it, is when the grinder was a dog.
I find it very disrepectful coming from an adult human. And his explanation is not an explanation at all, it's a ridiculous attempt at an explanation.
Sorry.

ladycarlotta · 05/05/2022 14:11

oldwhyno · 05/05/2022 13:54

If, as a couple, you don't quickly learn how to navigate routine interactions like that without reaching for the "consent" hammer then you're probably not going to last long.

disagree. It's clear OP has some kind of history of sexual activity without consent, so it is not unreasonable that she would now be fearful that her consent will not be respected. Like a PP said:

To him, you'd said no sex and he was fine with that but wanted to get physically closer without any expectation of it going further. To you, his erection and increased contact made you fearful that he "wasn't going to take no for an answer" which is an understandable fear given your previous experience of sexual assault and nothing to do with him as a person.

In this scenario, it seems that the OP's boyfriend probably thought that showing his arousal around her when he knew she had to get up was not crossing that pre-agreed boundary of not having sex. He thought it was acceptable behaviour within their agreement: OP's reference points are different from his and she became afraid that he was backpedalling on his previous assurances. This isn't a case of patrolling consent for the sake of it, it's two people who have different ideas about what that consent entailed. It is totally reasonable to want to address this miscommunication just as you would in any situation where a couple found they had different expectations from one another - but in this case it's compounded by trauma and so communication is even more important.

Pokske · 05/05/2022 14:13

Cross post - I've just read your update
"In my head saying that I couldn’t because I was going to be late for work wasn’t an invitation to grind on me"
Of course it's not an invitation to grind ! There's absolutely no link between what you stated "I can't be late" and him doing his horrible grinding.
Do not make excuses for this unacceptable behaviour.

PriestessofPing · 05/05/2022 14:17

It’s not a ‘consent hammer’, it’s the OP stating her boundaries very clearly because she’s had a previous issue that she is understandably triggered about.

OP I think your solution is very good, there’s nothing wrong with explicit discussion for consent each time if this is what makes you feel safe. If your boyfriend is a good guy he will understand and respect it - anyone would who was respectful and understanding because they wouldn’t want something to trigger terrible memories for the person they want to be close to.

beastlyslumber · 05/05/2022 14:33

Red flag. You felt uncomfortable and disrespected. When confronted, he made utterly stupid excuses. I'd throw this one back, OP.

D0lphine · 05/05/2022 16:21

I think this is probably a bit of him not listening to you and a bit of you not saying precisely what you mean.

I think if you said "I don't wan let you to touch me at all" then that would have been crystal clear.

He probably also needs to be a bit more careful with checking in with you that you feel ok knowing your past. He could just say "are you enjoying yourself" to make sure you feel safe.

Speak to him about what you can both do next time.

Also are you having counselling? Because sounds like you've been through the ringer a bit in the past.

YouAreNotBatman · 05/05/2022 16:29

His excuse is total bullshit.
Red flag.