Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

TW sexual content - am I making a big deal out of nothing?

76 replies

TacoLover · 05/05/2022 13:16

trigger warning

Hi hoping for some advice.

My boyfriend slept over and yesterday morning I had to be up early for work. We kissed when we woke up and were cuddling but I said that I couldn’t do sexual stuff because it would make me late for work. He got on top of me to kiss me and I think cuddle me more but then grinded on me for a few seconds before stopping. This upset me because I made it clear that I didn’t want anything sexual to happen so it felt like this was without my consent.

When we talked about it he was very regretful and apologetic and said he didn’t know why he did it but he didn’t mean for it to be sexual, and because my legs were closed (in my mind because I didn’t want him to grind on me and I wasn’t expecting him to??) and he was higher up than normal it was more grinding on my stomach than on my vagina so it wasn’t meant to be sexual and he was trying to just be intimate with me.

He has been very apologetic but it’s made me feel really unsettled and upset especially because he knows other things have happened to me in the past without consent and I thought I could be safe with him. But on the other hand I feel like maybe I am making a massive deal out of nothing or maybe I am having an over the top reaction because of things that have happened in the past and that I would be silly to mess up an otherwise good relationship over one incident that wasn’t ‘properly’ sexual if that makes sense. I would be very grateful for some advice or comfort please.

OP posts:
layladomino · 05/05/2022 16:30

My response would be different if you'd said 'I don't fancy sex' and he'd got on top of you and start grinding. That would be plain wrong, and if that happened again / regularly or if he'd continued doing it would be a sign he doesn't respect 'no', and continues to push.

But you said you couldn't have sex as you'd be late for work. He could have heard that as 'we both want it but we can't' and a felt a sexy cuddle was appropriate.

You're doing the right thing telling him that's not OK for you - if you would rather he didn't make any sexual moves without checking verbally first, then he should do that. I can see why you would feel upset being as you've had awful stuff happen in the past, and he should understand that.

YouAreNotBatman · 05/05/2022 16:41

I don’t understand this ’has awful past’ (if you’re reading this OP, I don’t mean to minimize what you been through).
I don’t have an awful past and I would absolutely hate the way this man went on about everything.
And also verbal consent is wonderful.

And like I said, he’s excuse is total BS.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 05/05/2022 16:54

How that comes across to me is, you said you didn't have time for sex. That would imply the time it takes for someone / both of you to be satisfied. He gave you a bit of a grind to show you that he'd have liked to do more, fancies you, etc, and then you went on with your day.
"I don't have time to do anything sexual this morning" is different from "I really don't want any form of sexual contact now, however brief, and will feel uncomfortable if it occurs"

If you do feel that you need to give explicit consent for this sort of interaction within your relationship, you'll need to make that very clear as I don't think it is obvious. It may well be understandable given your background, but as PP have said, communication is the issue.

Crumbler · 05/05/2022 17:00

I think you're overblowing it.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 05/05/2022 17:15

As you can see "it depends" - depends on your previous experiences, on how well you know him and trust him, on how much bigger and stronger than you he is, on how late you were running, on who knows what else.

However YOU end up feeling about it - talk to him and tell him. It's early days so the perfect time to get this sort of thing clear, and the perfect time to establish that discussing stuff like this is good and normal.

oldwhyno · 06/05/2022 10:28

DivorcedAndDelighted · 05/05/2022 16:54

How that comes across to me is, you said you didn't have time for sex. That would imply the time it takes for someone / both of you to be satisfied. He gave you a bit of a grind to show you that he'd have liked to do more, fancies you, etc, and then you went on with your day.
"I don't have time to do anything sexual this morning" is different from "I really don't want any form of sexual contact now, however brief, and will feel uncomfortable if it occurs"

If you do feel that you need to give explicit consent for this sort of interaction within your relationship, you'll need to make that very clear as I don't think it is obvious. It may well be understandable given your background, but as PP have said, communication is the issue.

Agree. If you're going to willfully create a really narrow line between completely natural sexual intimacy, based on the myriad verbal and non-verbal signals couples are constantly exchanging, and red-flag waving, no consent, I'm uncomfortable, need to post on the internet, type stress, then the relationship is pretty much bound to fail sooner rather than later.

There are many ways OP could have handled it, including simply saying "no really, i've got to get going" and pushing him off. Or better still, it was an opportunity for the classic tease. Roll on top of him, give him the type of kiss that makes him think his luck is changing, slowly work your way down to his midriff and then get up, give him a wink, tell him he'll have to wait till later, and get in the shower saying "put the kettle on"!

Sleepytimebear · 06/05/2022 11:24

I find it quite odd some PPs are focusing on the way you said no and how it could be interpreted. Women are conditioned to reject people gently and come up with excuses. I think it's a real stretch to believe the OP was up for sex if only she wasn't going to be late for work - she said she didn't want to do anything sexual, couldn't be clearer. OP to me it sounds like you said you weren't interested, he did want it so he got on top of you for some sexual stimulation. Good that he stopped amd apologised when you spoke to him about it but I would be really disappointed that my partner couldn't 1) respect my "no" and 2) put his feelings ahead of mine. If you want the relationship to continue I would have another conversation outside of the bedroom to explain again how you feel and how you want him to approach consent etc in the future and make this a hard boundary. You do need to be prepared to follow through though - if he oversteps the boundary you need to end the relationship.

Watchkeys · 06/05/2022 15:29

I think that boundaries like this are easily misunderstood and accidentally crossed. 'Not wanting anything sexual' can easily be interpreted as 'Not wanting to have sex'.

If you don't feel it's a dealbreaker for you, OP, I think you need to have a proper chat with him about where your boundaries are, to make sure you're both on the same page. He needs to know how it feels for you, because, as you can see from the thread, this sort of thing feels very different for different people (you've got everything here from 'Wouldn't bother me' to 'Red flag! Run!')

He needs to know how important this is to you.

YouAreNotBatman · 06/05/2022 15:38

Sleepytimebear · 06/05/2022 11:24

I find it quite odd some PPs are focusing on the way you said no and how it could be interpreted. Women are conditioned to reject people gently and come up with excuses. I think it's a real stretch to believe the OP was up for sex if only she wasn't going to be late for work - she said she didn't want to do anything sexual, couldn't be clearer. OP to me it sounds like you said you weren't interested, he did want it so he got on top of you for some sexual stimulation. Good that he stopped amd apologised when you spoke to him about it but I would be really disappointed that my partner couldn't 1) respect my "no" and 2) put his feelings ahead of mine. If you want the relationship to continue I would have another conversation outside of the bedroom to explain again how you feel and how you want him to approach consent etc in the future and make this a hard boundary. You do need to be prepared to follow through though - if he oversteps the boundary you need to end the relationship.

This was very well said.

Workinghardeveryday · 06/05/2022 15:45

I really don’t see the issue here.

for instance:
kiss dp and then pull away and say, sorry pet I can’t, I am meant to be doing xyz.
dp pulls me back and kisses me again saying, oh come on you know you want to etc.
me says no I really can’t
dp continues to try and turn me on flirting in a silly way.
i walk away laughing.

this is the same sort of situation? Now ops dp is seen as some sexual predator? Howay man.

Elsiebear90 · 06/05/2022 15:45

I really wouldn’t be bothered by this at all, I would probably find it amusing unless there was a pattern of him pushing you for sex when you’ve said you don’t want it. He sounds quite remorseful as well, I think you’ve blown it way out of proportion, but I understand why given your history.

Watchkeys · 06/05/2022 15:46

Workinghardeveryday · 06/05/2022 15:45

I really don’t see the issue here.

for instance:
kiss dp and then pull away and say, sorry pet I can’t, I am meant to be doing xyz.
dp pulls me back and kisses me again saying, oh come on you know you want to etc.
me says no I really can’t
dp continues to try and turn me on flirting in a silly way.
i walk away laughing.

this is the same sort of situation? Now ops dp is seen as some sexual predator? Howay man.

The thing you don't seem to have noticed is that not everybody is you.

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 06/05/2022 15:50

At your own admission his penis was more stomach level. He wasn't trying to slip it into you..
Let it go op.

Workinghardeveryday · 06/05/2022 15:53

@Watchkeys i agree

but this scenario does not make that man a sexual predator!!

FiveNineFive · 06/05/2022 15:53

Jesus christ, it doesn't matter WHY she said she didn't want to. He should have respected her boundaries. Big red flag and I'd leave for that

Sleepytimebear · 06/05/2022 15:56

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 06/05/2022 15:50

At your own admission his penis was more stomach level. He wasn't trying to slip it into you..
Let it go op.

So why was he on top of her grinding? Sounds pretty sexual to me. I've had many men rub themselves up against me fully clothed, against my thigh or bum - they weren't trying to put their penis in me at that exact moment but I assure you they were trying it on and getting aroused! Odd you think "sexual" means only P in V sex.

JoeGoldberg · 06/05/2022 15:57

Wouldn't have bothered me.

AlternativePerspective · 06/05/2022 15:57

The key here though is communication. You want him to ask for implicit consent every time he wants to do anything physical, and he wants the spontaneity of a relationship.

Your past means that a spontaneous relationship is out of the question for you, that’s fine, but the truth is that nobody wants to be made to feel as if they’re some kind of abuser just for being a bit spontaneous. Question is, can he take no for an answer? If not then you have a problem. If so then you know that all he’s doing is being spontaneous.

But TBH I think that if you are so rigid on this you are perhaps not ready for a relationship.

Watchkeys · 06/05/2022 16:01

Workinghardeveryday · 06/05/2022 15:53

@Watchkeys i agree

but this scenario does not make that man a sexual predator!!

I agree too :)

Sleepytimebear · 06/05/2022 16:02

AlternativePerspective · 06/05/2022 15:57

The key here though is communication. You want him to ask for implicit consent every time he wants to do anything physical, and he wants the spontaneity of a relationship.

Your past means that a spontaneous relationship is out of the question for you, that’s fine, but the truth is that nobody wants to be made to feel as if they’re some kind of abuser just for being a bit spontaneous. Question is, can he take no for an answer? If not then you have a problem. If so then you know that all he’s doing is being spontaneous.

But TBH I think that if you are so rigid on this you are perhaps not ready for a relationship.

Yes but she had already said she didn't want to do anything sexual before he did the sexual thing. I don't think OP is being rigid at all to want to be respected.

YouAreNotBatman · 06/05/2022 16:07

Workinghardeveryday · 06/05/2022 15:45

I really don’t see the issue here.

for instance:
kiss dp and then pull away and say, sorry pet I can’t, I am meant to be doing xyz.
dp pulls me back and kisses me again saying, oh come on you know you want to etc.
me says no I really can’t
dp continues to try and turn me on flirting in a silly way.
i walk away laughing.

this is the same sort of situation? Now ops dp is seen as some sexual predator? Howay man.

I know we’re all different, but I would hate this so much.
I hate not being listen to and respected.

Watchkeys · 06/05/2022 16:09

But TBH I think that if you are so rigid on this you are perhaps not ready for a relationship

There's lots of people who would agree with OP, here, right here on the thread. You're making it sound as if she's unusually 'rigid'. She isn't. Lots of people who've had similar issues to OP in the past would feel exactly the same as her, and are in happy, successful relationships.

YouAreNotBatman · 06/05/2022 16:09

FiveNineFive · 06/05/2022 15:53

Jesus christ, it doesn't matter WHY she said she didn't want to. He should have respected her boundaries. Big red flag and I'd leave for that

Finally some common sense!

Pinkieperkie · 06/05/2022 16:17

Wow, no wonder there are so many men that ignore women's boundaries when there are so many women that don't think it's an issue, think it's an over reaction or wouldn't be bothered. How depressing.

OP I'd be very unhappy about this. Make sure you're very clear about where your boundaries lie in the future.

As for whether you're ready for an adult relationship, how rude! Anyone who can't say what their needs are in a relationship is far more likely to get into an unhealthy dynamic.

Stick to your guns OP.

Crazykatie · 06/05/2022 16:18

We have a really passionate cuddle every morning I love it, sometimes it leads to sex, not usually on a working day. I don’t understand why it’s an issue, if you don’t have time or don’t feel like sex just say “time for a shower” darling.
Why make it a consent issue.