Page 3 | TW sexual content - am I making a big deal out of nothing?

TacoLover · 2022-05-05T12:16:37+00:00

trigger warning Hi hoping for some advice. My boyfriend slept over and yesterday morning I had to be up early for work. We kissed when we woke up and were cuddling but I said that I couldn’t do sexual stuff because it would make me late for work. He got on top of me to kiss me and I think cuddle me more but then grinded on me for a few seconds before stopping. This upset me because I made it clear that I didn’t want anything sexual to happen so it felt like this was without my consent. When we talked about it he was very regretful and apologetic and said he didn’t know why he did it but he didn’t mean for it to be sexual, and because my legs were closed (in my mind because I didn’t want him to grind on me and I wasn’t expecting him to??) and he was higher up than normal it was more grinding on my stomach than on my vagina so it wasn’t meant to be sexual and he was trying to just be intimate with me. He has been very apologetic but it’s made me feel really unsettled and upset especially because he knows other things have happened to me in the past without consent and I thought I could be safe with him. But on the other hand I feel like maybe I am making a massive deal out of nothing or maybe I am having an over the top reaction because of things that have happened in the past and that I would be silly to mess up an otherwise good relationship over one incident that wasn’t ‘properly’ sexual if that makes sense. I would be very grateful for some advice or comfort please.

Sleepytimebear · 06/05/2022 16:18

Pinkieperkie · 06/05/2022 16:17

Wow, no wonder there are so many men that ignore women's boundaries when there are so many women that don't think it's an issue, think it's an over reaction or wouldn't be bothered. How depressing.

OP I'd be very unhappy about this. Make sure you're very clear about where your boundaries lie in the future.

As for whether you're ready for an adult relationship, how rude! Anyone who can't say what their needs are in a relationship is far more likely to get into an unhealthy dynamic.

Stick to your guns OP.

I was literally thinking the same thing!!

AryaStarkWolf · 06/05/2022 16:26

Pinkieperkie · 06/05/2022 16:17

Wow, no wonder there are so many men that ignore women's boundaries when there are so many women that don't think it's an issue, think it's an over reaction or wouldn't be bothered. How depressing.

OP I'd be very unhappy about this. Make sure you're very clear about where your boundaries lie in the future.

As for whether you're ready for an adult relationship, how rude! Anyone who can't say what their needs are in a relationship is far more likely to get into an unhealthy dynamic.

Stick to your guns OP.

Clearly those of us saying it wouldn't be an issue are talking about in our own relationships where we know and trust our partners and know the dynamic in our own relationships, it isn't a boundary issue for those of us who have said it wouldn't bother us. If my DH did what the OPs partner did I would know he was just messing around with me because I know him and I know us, I've often hung on to him in bed when he's said he needed to get up, it's just an affectionate "don't go" kind of a joking around thing.

I understand that the OP has had boundaries crossed in her past so completely understand why she feels uneasy and this relationship isn't very established yet but making out he's some sort of a monster over this is probably not accurate imo

Pinkieperkie · 07/05/2022 08:05

AryaStarkWolf · 06/05/2022 16:26

Clearly those of us saying it wouldn't be an issue are talking about in our own relationships where we know and trust our partners and know the dynamic in our own relationships, it isn't a boundary issue for those of us who have said it wouldn't bother us. If my DH did what the OPs partner did I would know he was just messing around with me because I know him and I know us, I've often hung on to him in bed when he's said he needed to get up, it's just an affectionate "don't go" kind of a joking around thing.

I understand that the OP has had boundaries crossed in her past so completely understand why she feels uneasy and this relationship isn't very established yet but making out he's some sort of a monster over this is probably not accurate imo

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But dismissively saying it doesn't bother them doesn't help anyone. The point for you is it's not a boundary issue for you. That's why it's depressing to hear that trotted out to the OP. Because we shouldn't be suggesting to other women to ignore their own boundaries by dismissing their concerns. I don't know how I can make it any clearer for you.

We're all entitled to have our boundaries wherever we want to put them.

Maverick2022 · 07/05/2022 08:35

So what the fuck was he grinding for if it wasn't sexual?

Yeah, i was thinking the same.

Bullshit excuses/gas lighting.

creacher · 07/05/2022 09:09

AlternativePerspective · 06/05/2022 15:57

The key here though is communication. You want him to ask for implicit consent every time he wants to do anything physical, and he wants the spontaneity of a relationship.

Your past means that a spontaneous relationship is out of the question for you, that’s fine, but the truth is that nobody wants to be made to feel as if they’re some kind of abuser just for being a bit spontaneous. Question is, can he take no for an answer? If not then you have a problem. If so then you know that all he’s doing is being spontaneous.

But TBH I think that if you are so rigid on this you are perhaps not ready for a relationship.

Agreed. Had op said no to the grinding, and he'd continued- I would agree with others. But this is not abuse etc. in itself. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I was painted as an abuser for this.

I also think if you any say no to your partner, that's an issue. It's your life partner, not a random stranger on the street. If my partner initiates and I'm not interested, I'm not afraid to speak up (so it's not really a female conditioning thing).

We all know there are bad men, I had lots of awful sexual experiences in secondary. But this doesn't sound like abuse, or that he thought this would bother you at all.

billy1966 · 07/05/2022 10:31

YouAreNotBatman · 06/05/2022 16:09

Finally some common sense!

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This.

I would feel a lack of trust and that would be enough for me.

His excuses are just that, excuses.

I would be very wary of him OP.

Listen to your gut, it is there to protect you.

You are feeling confused because you know what he did was wrong.

mycatisannoying · 07/05/2022 10:48

We all have our personal boundaries. A few seconds of that wouldn't make me lose any sleep, but we're all different.
He does sound remorseful and I doubt it would happen again.
If your relationship is good overall, I'd accept the apology and move on.

Sunnytwobridges · 07/05/2022 13:41

Aquamarine1029 · 05/05/2022 13:42

He got on top of you to grind against you. Fucking pathetic, behaviour you might expect from a 19 year old. He totally disregarded what you said and was trying to get a shag. He sounds gross.

This. My ex would do similar to me. Turned me right off of him as he acted like a 16 year old. And over time became a sex pest.

Mintchocicechip · 07/05/2022 17:12

He's your boyfriend he wasn't pinning you down. Just showing you affection. If you was distressed and said get off me please and he carried on that's different. Think he just wanted some attention. It's nice he's into you like that. But I understand that you wanted him to let you get up. Try not be too hard on him. Most men don't want to molest their partner.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/05/2022 18:16

Mintchocicechip · 07/05/2022 17:12

He's your boyfriend he wasn't pinning you down. Just showing you affection. If you was distressed and said get off me please and he carried on that's different. Think he just wanted some attention. It's nice he's into you like that. But I understand that you wanted him to let you get up. Try not be too hard on him. Most men don't want to molest their partner.

See below. She said she didn't want anything sexual. He then did something sexual.

It's not flattering, it's not nice, it's a lack of respect for what she told him she was ok with.

He got on top of me to kiss me and I think cuddle me more but then grinded on me for a few seconds before stopping. This upset me because I made it clear that I didn’t want anything sexual to happen so it felt like this was without my consent.

We don't need to be grateful if men fancy us so much they want to ignore our boundaries. Again, it's not flattering, it's wrong.

PumpkinsandKittens · 07/05/2022 18:41

Non issue

DixonD · 07/05/2022 22:14

oldwhyno · 05/05/2022 13:54

If, as a couple, you don't quickly learn how to navigate routine interactions like that without reaching for the "consent" hammer then you're probably not going to last long.

Definitely this.

Huge overreaction.

Everyoneishappier · 07/05/2022 22:39

Sorry I think your reaction is based on passed experience.

He sounds like he was trying to be affectionate . He also sounds respectful.

But I don't subscribe to MN redo that every man is a sexual predator - so perhaps I'm not in sync with the usual trope.

ouch321 · 07/05/2022 22:46

Yeah this was out of order.

No means no.

It's concerning that so many of this thread are dismissive of that and worrying given that many of them are bringing up sons.

FabulousKilljoys · 07/05/2022 22:48

But I don't subscribe to MN redo that every man is a sexual predator - so perhaps I'm not in sync with the usual trope.

No, me neither. It's becoming a worrying trend on here.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/05/2022 23:42

I feel like I must be missing something when it comes to people saying he's done nothing wrong.

She said I don't want anything sexual right now.

He then did something sexual.

If no means no (which it does) then he didn't respect her "no".

creacher · 08/05/2022 05:04

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/05/2022 23:42

I feel like I must be missing something when it comes to people saying he's done nothing wrong.

She said I don't want anything sexual right now.

He then did something sexual.

If no means no (which it does) then he didn't respect her "no".

because it would make me late for work**

This was the reason why she didn't want to. Different interpretations but If she said it like this to him, he may have thought she did want to, but couldn't due to time, so a quick suggestive whatever would be ok. It does not come across as malicious.

Monty27 · 08/05/2022 05:30

Which part of no did he not understand?

Blone · 08/05/2022 05:41

You're not making a big deal out of nothing. He absolutely disregarded your boundaries. Don't give him another chance.

Crazykatie · 08/05/2022 09:16

“If, as a couple, you don't quickly learn how to navigate routine interactions like that without reaching for the "consent" hammer then you're probably not going to last long.”

At the start of any relationship a woman has to find a way of “managing” your man, you want him to be affectionate, sexy and initiate sex, most men will “try it on” just give him a kiss on the cheek and wriggle out. Don’t make an issue out of unless he tries to use force, you should not be getting to the to the point of having a discussion about it.

Taking a boyfriend home if you have to work early next day is probably not the best idea either

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 09:48

@creacher

This was the reason why she didn't want to. Different interpretations but If she said it like this to him, he may have thought she did want to, but couldn't due to time, so a quick suggestive whatever would be ok.

If someone says no, their reason is irrelevant in that moment.

If you start having explain away behaviour in this way you're basically saying you don't agree that "no means no".

You're saying "no means no unless it's for xyz reason then it's not a proper no" which is very dangerous ground.

creacher · 08/05/2022 10:38

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 09:48

@creacher

This was the reason why she didn't want to. Different interpretations but If she said it like this to him, he may have thought she did want to, but couldn't due to time, so a quick suggestive whatever would be ok.

If someone says no, their reason is irrelevant in that moment.

If you start having explain away behaviour in this way you're basically saying you don't agree that "no means no".

You're saying "no means no unless it's for xyz reason then it's not a proper no" which is very dangerous ground.

Sigh. They're in a relationship, you have to just image the scenario in your head.

' Not now, Tim, I have to get up'
' alright' (kisses, rubs whatever)

It may have been unwanted to op. Point is it's not clear in that scenario, and it's not really possible to know unless she said something. Had op said 'not now', or moved him away, I'd fully be behind you. It's a pretty big issue if one is comfortable saying this to the person they sleep next to every night

creacher · 08/05/2022 10:41

Anything that's said can be misconstrued, but I think adding g the 'lateness' as the reason why makes it more murky.

Saying 'no, I don't fancy sex right now' vs 'not right now, I'll be late' give different impressions. That's my take, but none of us were in the room.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 11:21

creacher · 08/05/2022 10:41

Anything that's said can be misconstrued, but I think adding g the 'lateness' as the reason why makes it more murky.

Saying 'no, I don't fancy sex right now' vs 'not right now, I'll be late' give different impressions. That's my take, but none of us were in the room.

I said that I couldn’t do sexual stuff because it would make me late for work.

Eh? She literally said she didn't want to do 'sexual stuff'.

Women do not need to give a reason you deem as valid or non 'murky' for their "No" to be acceptable.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 11:22

Point is it's not clear in that scenario, and it's not really possible to know unless she said something. Had op said 'not now', or moved him away, I'd fully be behind you.

I mean...

I said that I couldn’t do sexual stuff because it would make me late for work.

Glad we agree.