I know this is going to sound so self pitying and a whiney - but I hate my life.
My marriage is just awful - classic tale of years of resentment and feeling let down by my H building up but me not being a grown up and actually addressing it, plus a couple of incidents of H doing genuinely shitty things have destroyed all intimacy and trust in our relationship. We are seeing a therapist but I feel it's not going that well - it's very slow paced and the therapist seems to think we just need to be more 'curious' about each other🙄For some reason I can't reveal the really awful thing he did to me several years ago even though I know it's a huge part of the problem.
Essentially I want a divorce but I can't quite bring myself to say this out loud as I know it's not what my H wants. He wants us to stay together even though I am vile to him - which I hate myself for. If I start thinking about how it will impact on our lovely kids it's even worse. That said I spend ages planning how we could separate, what we'd need to do to sell our house, what kind of house I could buy, what my life might look like in the future without him.
The rest of my life also feels like a fuck up. I barely go out or see friends, the recent bank holiday weekends have underscored how little I have going on - I have spent almost all of them inside, in my bedroom like some sulky teenager scrolling on my phone. I know I could change this, I just have no motivation to do so.
My children are lovely but I barely spend any time with them. The older one is now, understandably, wanting to be with friends and the younger one is very close to my H and they have activities they do together.
Financially we have plenty coming in but lots of it services debts and the general cost of living means we have little left over.
I am starting to hate the work I used to love (and I'm self employed so am constantly terrified I won't have work and we won't cope financially).
I have gained a huge amount of weight in recent years, going from a very healthy BMI to just tipped into the obese category. I hate how I look now and I hate bumping into people for the first time in ages as I can see the look on their face.
I'm in a weird world where I feel like everyone constantly needs something from me but also like I have nothing to do or no purpose beyond constant trips to the supermarket and constant loads of laundry.
I know I should go back on my anti depressants but I felt like they just covered up some major problems and made me willing to gloss over them.
Sorry, I don't know what the point of this is. I'm just so miserable and I hate that my life has turned out this way, I don't recognise myself anymore.