I am so unhappy and I hate my life

[failing40s]

I know this is going to sound so self pitying and a whiney - but I hate my life.

My marriage is just awful - classic tale of years of resentment and feeling let down by my H building up but me not being a grown up and actually addressing it, plus a couple of incidents of H doing genuinely shitty things have destroyed all intimacy and trust in our relationship. We are seeing a therapist but I feel it's not going that well - it's very slow paced and the therapist seems to think we just need to be more 'curious' about each other🙄For some reason I can't reveal the really awful thing he did to me several years ago even though I know it's a huge part of the problem.

Essentially I want a divorce but I can't quite bring myself to say this out loud as I know it's not what my H wants. He wants us to stay together even though I am vile to him - which I hate myself for. If I start thinking about how it will impact on our lovely kids it's even worse. That said I spend ages planning how we could separate, what we'd need to do to sell our house, what kind of house I could buy, what my life might look like in the future without him.

The rest of my life also feels like a fuck up. I barely go out or see friends, the recent bank holiday weekends have underscored how little I have going on - I have spent almost all of them inside, in my bedroom like some sulky teenager scrolling on my phone. I know I could change this, I just have no motivation to do so.

My children are lovely but I barely spend any time with them. The older one is now, understandably, wanting to be with friends and the younger one is very close to my H and they have activities they do together.

Financially we have plenty coming in but lots of it services debts and the general cost of living means we have little left over.

I am starting to hate the work I used to love (and I'm self employed so am constantly terrified I won't have work and we won't cope financially).

I have gained a huge amount of weight in recent years, going from a very healthy BMI to just tipped into the obese category. I hate how I look now and I hate bumping into people for the first time in ages as I can see the look on their face.

I'm in a weird world where I feel like everyone constantly needs something from me but also like I have nothing to do or no purpose beyond constant trips to the supermarket and constant loads of laundry.

I know I should go back on my anti depressants but I felt like they just covered up some major problems and made me willing to gloss over them.

Sorry, I don't know what the point of this is. I'm just so miserable and I hate that my life has turned out this way, I don't recognise myself anymore.

I think you missed this:

Despite two therapists telling me what he did was sexual abuse (and I posted about it here some years ago and got the same response) I still don't know why I can't just say "You sexually abused me - admittedly it wasn't rape or violent, but it was sexual abuse - for at least 2 years. Over time this has destroyed our marriage. I want out."

Yes you can go on hrt patches during perimenopause. Go and see your GP.

It is hard for your therapist to help if there are things you have not disclosed. If you cannot be open about what your husband did it sounds like it is because you are so traumatized by it. In that case it seems difficult to overcome. But trying a new therapist may be helpful. However, I cannot see any reason for you to stay based on what you have said - there doesnt seem to be anything left to build on. Dont rule out antidepressants - you are right that the problems will still be there but they can help them feel a little more manageable while you start to work through things.

And maybe spending the therapist money on a personal trainer instead. They will keep you motivated.

Oh OP

Fuck the therapist. I don't mean that literally, unless you fancy it. But it sounds like a waste of time. You know what you want (a divorce), and wish your husband agreed. He won't. You must take a unilateral decision. How will you feel in another half a century, still hiding away from him, still resenting him? (Don't dismiss that time span as impossible; this is my mum's situation with my dad, now well into his 90s!)

Don't go back on antidepressants unless you desperately need to: they will build a Perspex screen between you and your own life.

There is no easy way out of this situation, but you must learn to act on your own feelings, not everyone else's. (Otherwise you might as well be dead! no wonder life feels so drab and you've checked out.)

All that compassion you feel for your husband's fragility, try turning it gently inward and focusing on the loving support you need to give yourself. You've already thought long and hard about "what my life might look like in the future without him" -- little by little, start making those dreams a reality.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Re other people's judgement of you, you might be surprised. And if not, that's their problem. You have to live your own truth, or what's the point?

I feel like we need a more goal-based or outcome based approach

How happy would it make you if the goal/outcome was "Let's split up" and your husband could be brought around to the idea?

Be honest...

disagree with what all PP are saying. On MN it seems the only response to every problem is “leave your husband” no matter what the issue

Presumably you haven't read all OPs posts. I would say sexual abuse is about as big an "issue" as it gets...

Oh I missed these other replies.

@Alcemeg - Thank you for your post, it's really kind. I can absolutely see how this situation could go on indefinitely - it's already been more than 10 years since the first time I discovered the abusive behaviour. In answer to your question, 100% I'd feel relieved and happy if he could agree that while it's sad, it is over, that would be the best possible outcome.

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers I know what you mean about the therapist not being able to help if I don't say what happened, I'm frustrated with myself. Partly I am stuck in a place where I want to be 'fair' to my husband. I know if I reveal what he did it's like playing a trump card and for some reason this really bothers me because I know that I am not all sweetness and light.

I hope you're still reading OP.

I would definitely start with some small steps, some self care, put some dates with your friends in the diary and when you're feeling a bit better try & tackle the finances! Cancel stuff you aren't using get some better deals, get an idea of how much debt and if you can do anything to start clearing it.

If you are more confident about your life & financial position this may give you the confidence to speak up!

I know if I reveal what he did it's like playing a trump card

That is exactly the kind of "fairness" that kept me trapped in an abusive marriage for nearly 20 years.

Concealing the truth and covering up for other people's failings (however many excuses we make for them in our own frantically compassionate hearts!) is not at all fair when it's entirely at your own expense.

Anyway, you don't have to tell anyone anything. You don't even have to tell your husband. You can just decide to leave, and do it. I know that's easier said than done, but so is spending the rest of your life like this.

Or you could say to him something like:

"The reason I've sought the help of a therapist is because I want them to talk you round to understanding/agreeing that we should split up. This could take a while. If you think you'll never agree, we may as well save our time, energy and money, and call it quits now. I was simply anxious about making a change that you're not ready for, but I can't go on."

Sorry to be like a dog with a bone here! 😜I just very much recognise the situation you're in.

@failing40s - I logged on to reply but think @Alcemeg said it perfectly. I am sorry you feel so stuck with things, but it really does sound like you had to deny your experience to some point in order to keep going and that process of denial is now making you feel so depressed and drained. The thing about talking about it is that unless there is a chance he is doing those things to anyone else, your therapist is not going to disclose what you tell them, and are not there to give you advice. Their job is to help you talk through what you want to do. As for fairness - it is not fair to be abusive. Whatever you do. Just like it is ok for someone to be angry at us but not call us names or personally attack us. I do hope this thread is helping you and that it helps you take the first steps you need to in order to look after yourself.

How are you op x

Not great to be honest. I have been away for a couple of days at a spa hotel which has obviously been a lovely treat, but coming home has just reinforced how shit everything is. I have the week off work and I'm just sitting on the sofa wasting my precious time off because I can't get any motivation to do anything.

When I got back yesterday my H was obviously trying really hard to make everything ok. He'd stripped all the beds and put clean sheets on, made dinner etc. I just left me cold. He wanted to know about my trip but I didn't want to share any of it with him so we barely spoke. When I got back yesterday his car was here so I knew he was working from home. I drove straight past the house and went to the shops to avoid him.

And yet I don't have the courage to just end it and I hate myself for it.

And yet I don't have the courage to just end it and I hate myself for it.

Oh OP, don't turn this into yet another stick to beat yourself with!

The good news is: You have clarity. You can see that it's over.

The bad news is: You're stuck in a situation where you think your feelings are not as important as anyone else's. This is a tricky one to fix, but you might just have to "fake it till you make it" by acting as though you believe your feelings are valid and worth acting on. There's no point waiting for some magical arbitrator to step in and intervene on your behalf.

You have far more courage than you realise. To be honest, it's a miracle you even get out of bed in the mornings.

You talk about being "vile" to him – maybe try to view complete honesty as the kindest way forward, however painful. Whatever his reaction, he probably knows it's over too, hence the special efforts now and then. Neither of you want it to be over, but it is. It's no one's fault.

It's no one's fault.

Sounds to me like it's the sexually-abusive husband's fault.

OP, in your shoes I would see a solicitor. I think getting some concrete advice about divorce would really help you see it as a genuine step you could take. Don't bother with the free 30 minutes MN always mentions- they can't tell you anything in that time that you couldn't just find online. You need advice which is specific to you.

I would bin the therapist. I wonder whether she hasn't fully understood your position.

If I start thinking about how it will impact on our lovely kids it's even worse.

At the risk of sounding harsh, they will also be impacted by your staying together so unhappily.

I know if I reveal what he did it's like playing a trump card

Yes, because what he did was so unacceptable! I was really struck by what you said about your childhood- your role being not to make a fuss while your sibling was challenging. It sounds like it's playing out again in your marriage- it's almost as if you see your role as being to make everything easier for the man who abused you. It is not a sustainable way to live, which your subconscious is trying to tell you through the depression, overeating, how small your life has become.

@Despinetta
Sounds to me like it's the sexually-abusive husband's fault.

Well, yes! But that might not help OP who has got used to forgiving him anything, and not speaking her mind, and not honouring her feelings, and sweeping everything under the carpet, and feeling awful for wanting to end all this, because how else does life go on?

Have you considered the impact this marriage is having on your children? You are their world and role model and whilst you have not disclosed what your husband did to you - your behaviour sounds like it needs to change rapidly. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

i am sorry that you are suffering but I would urge to see your GP in order to get yourself together so that you can be present for your children and find the courage to do what you feel is right.

BTW OP I'm not taking the piss here. I really mean it, this has been your coping strategy. But everything is screaming at you to find a new one.

You sound like you have got to the stage of pretty much reaching rock bottom.

read back what you have written on this thread.
This is all stemming from this man being in your life. You even avoided him when you arrived home after your break.

It is incredibly hard to leave, especially when your motivation for anything is so low, but honestly, if you can extract yourself from this person I think you will be surprised how quickly you will find 'you' again. You've momentarily lost her, but shes still in there somewhere, OP.

Use that as your motivation. This woman you are describing on this thread isn't 'you'. You are a fantastic woman who has been through the mill by the sounds of it. And still standing, so you have strength in there still.
Do not let this man continue to destroy your life.

Just sit down and tell him you want a divorce, and there is no changing your mind. And engage no further.
Of course he will act hurt, or angry, a range of emotions. but ultimately he caused this. Not you. Do not forget that.

OP, for the love of God, just leave. You might even find anti-depressants aren’t needed. If it’s hard for you to leave proper, frame it in a way that you just need time apart, and then just don’t go back if that’s what you want after some time away. It sounds like you need a step back to reevaluate and think about what YOU want.

P.S. I know I will get slated but therapy is bullshit. I know some find it invaluable. I will never set foot in one of those “calm” spaces ever again.

Your scum husband deserves to be rotting in jail. Contact solicitors to get the divorce rolling. Your life can be free of the sexual abuser, no need to throw more years down the shitter.

You should not be in therapy with your abuser, this is absolutely horrific.

Quick update from me. We went to therapy yesterday and a couple of things came out of it. Firstly almost the first thing he said, in response to me saying things were no better and that I was finding it unbearable, was that maybe we should just start talking about practicalities (i.e. for a separation). I can't tell if he said this because he's testing me or if wants to split. Later on the therapist asked H if he thought he had used a certain behaviour to control me. And he said yes. I was shocked and not sure what to think about it. I have actually forgotten the exact conversation before he said yes to her control question, which is really frustrating.

Sorry, not sure the point of this, it's just these two interactions are playing on my mind.

OP you're still totally focused on what HE wants, what HE's thinking, what HE might really feel. This is natural because he's been controlling you to think this way for as long as you can recall.

Even now he's handing you your freedom on a plate, you are worried about... what, exactly? Hurting his feelings?

What about what YOU want, think, feel...?

You're like a prisoner who has been so well trained to sit quietly in your cell that when the guard leaves the door open, you don't act.

If you can't the day the words in therapy write them on paper and ask the therapist to read them out?

H has now brought up separation. You need to say "yes, I want to divorce". Either verbally or in writing.