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Original poster

Husband said he has "never had a life"

81 replies

Naggymom · 02/05/2022 15:27

Hi,
My 20yr marriage has been going through a rough patch in last 2yrs. Lots of differences in opinions and communication problems. This has led to separate beds and lack of intimacy. I have suspected that this has maybe been because of my husband becoming close to a female colleague.

He has denied this repeatedly, but my gut feeling has not subsided. Today after another miserable weekend together, he shouted that he has never had a life. This is something that I am not sure I can forgive. We have three kids together, two teens and a 10yr old.
Its like an alien entity has taken over his body, I do not recognise the man I married. He can't apologise, so is sitting sulking in another room. It's time to leave, I don't think I am over reacting. Obviously, our life together has never been enough.
What do I do? Am a Sahm and rely on him for money. At 49yrs I feel stuck....and am upset at the lack of respect and affection. He did lose his mum last year....so is this just a midlife crisis of sorts..or has he just read me the script?

OP posts:
KaraVanPark · 02/05/2022 15:30

He could apologise of he wanted to.
maybe he’s stuck in a rut
maybe you’re relationship is stuck in a rut
do you want to talk and work things out with him?

HollysBush · 02/05/2022 15:32

Depends what he means by never had a life. What does he feel he’s missed out on?

Bunty55 · 02/05/2022 15:34

I would ask why are you still a SAHM when your children are older? What do you do all day? Look for a job and do not rely on him for money for a start. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you are coming across as whiney here

Gliblet · 02/05/2022 15:38

Midlife crisis or a variation on the script - eother way, of course he's had a life. It's been full of choices, and his choices have led him to where he is today. He either takes responsibility for that like a functioning adult, or he makes it everyone else's fault by refusing to acknowledge that he made those choices and rewriting history to make himself the victim.

Of course option 2 is the easiest one because it allows him to see himself as someone rebelling against things that have been forced on him rather than making decisions that are selfish, childish, and/or harmful to his family. The question really is whether or not he's prepared to accept that this isn't a healthy relationship for either of you, and do his bit to resolve that.

Shoebie · 02/05/2022 15:39

Perhaps he does feel that way, but that isn't your problem. If he hasn't raised being unhappy before and has gone along presumably quite happily with having a family and stuff then it's his issue if his life hasn't panned out how he wanted. I strongly suspect though he has visions of having been able to travel the world and get rich (or whatever his dreams were) when in reality its unlikely that would have happened, and that's clouding his view as his alternate life can be what he wants rather than ruined by reality. He might have just said it to be hurtful as well, some people like the low blows that are going to really hurt someone when they're angry- of course not acceptable at all but if it's not been something on the radar until now I'd not assume he's serious.

Not having independent finances is an issue though as you say financially you're probably somewhat stuck. Can you find a job and start getting some money of your own that can be used for leaving him together?

resuwen · 02/05/2022 15:41

No judgement here as there may be lots of circumstances contributing to this, but getting a job, at least PT, could take some of the pressure from your OH, and give you some financial and psychological autonomy. My own youngest is 10, and while I can definitely envision working less than full time if it was financially viable (no chance!), I certainly wouldn't choose not to work at all, even if I we could afford it. I'd be bored rigid!

Shinyandnew1 · 02/05/2022 15:43

If you are financially dependent on a man you don’t seem to be very happy with, meaning you can’t leave and support yourself, you need to get a job pronto.

Chilledchablis1 · 02/05/2022 15:43

I would find a job . Financial independence is a good feeling .

Organictangerine · 02/05/2022 15:44

Are you not working now your kids are older?

you need to get a job in case of a split. The usual mn advice applies here, either relationship counselling or see a divorce lawyer.

5zeds · 02/05/2022 15:45

Tell him it’s time to have “a life” then and ask him what that is?

fallfallfall · 02/05/2022 15:46

Well if your a SAHM, and he’s providing for four people maybe he is stuck in a rut with no life.
what if he wants to travel, have a unique hobby?
maybe you need to bring in some money yourself so he can enjoy something else in life rather than being a hamster on a wheel.

Topseyt123 · 02/05/2022 15:48

I don't think you come across as whiney. That's unfair.

I was a SAHM until my youngest began secondary school, and the shackles of childcare came off. I then did get a part time job but it wasn't easy because of my age and my time away from the workplace (other reasons too, but won't hijack the thread). You often can't just walk into a job at the drop of a hat.

There were tensions between us while I wasn't working, but it had been a joint decision. Lets just say that while it has all worked out now, there were times when our marriage hung by a thread, and I have memories I would prefer not to have. I hope nobody would call me whiney for that, it was a painful time.

So I have some sympathy with OP.

It is really up to you whether you want the relationship to continue or not. It sounds like you are coming down on the side of not for now, and I can't blame you.

Original poster
Naggymom · 02/05/2022 15:49

Thank you all, yes I gave up a job where I was the higher earner. In doing so, I did enjoy being able to raise my family and he was able to focus on his career. It just stung when he said that he had never had a life. Like I had coerced him in to this life with all the associated responsibilities. I do feel like I would benefit from retraining and going back to work full time. He has made it sound like I have been free to enjoy life, when I have been the one looking after the kids, house, pets and doing homework.

He unfortunately is not the one who will apologise. He never tries to sit down and resolve things...just ends up being even more shouty and saying more hurtful things. It always seems he is more disconnected and miserable when at home. Tomorrow he will be all perky and cheery heading in to work...thats why I suspect the female colleague may be a problem. Feel I am being vilified. Anyway, thanks for your responses...

OP posts:
zafferana · 02/05/2022 15:49

The two of you really need to talk. He needs to communicate why he's feeling this way (midlife crisis? burnout/stress with work and supporting the family? another woman?), and then you can both figure out a way forward, whether that's staying together or splitting. You already have your suspicions, but I would urge you both to communicate, whether it's just the two of you at your kitchen table, or with a mediator/marital therapist there to guide the discussion. We all say silly things from time to time that maybe we don't mean, so is he just venting frustration, or is there more to it?

Shinyandnew1 · 02/05/2022 15:50

Why can’t you go back to work, why would you need to retrain?

Bagelsandbrie · 02/05/2022 15:51

I hope this isn’t going to get derailed with a pile on of people telling op to get a job. We don’t know their circumstances and if they’ve both been happy with her being a sahm - even if the children are older- that’s their business. Certainly if they split things may change (may! Not necessarily, depending on income / property etc) but that isn’t the point of the thread.

op - why is he saying he has no life? What does he want?

Whats happened with the female colleague?

Basketet · 02/05/2022 15:52

IME, being a SAHM leaves all women in an extremely vulnerable position. No matter what a nice guy, reliable bread winner your DH is or was, or how much of a financial and familial buffer you have.

JanisMoplin · 02/05/2022 15:53

Hmmmmm.... I often think men rewrite decisions that they were perfectly happy to make earlier and blame it on their wives.

knittingaddict · 02/05/2022 15:54

Bunty55 · 02/05/2022 15:34

I would ask why are you still a SAHM when your children are older? What do you do all day? Look for a job and do not rely on him for money for a start. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you are coming across as whiney here

wtf

fallfallfall · 02/05/2022 15:55

Maybe he’s disillusioned with the “family life dream”. If another woman is involved she’s probably childless, or doesn’t mention them.

RosesAndHellebores · 02/05/2022 15:58

I can see two sides to this op. DH's father died very suddenly in 2008 after 17 years of marriage. It did make DH take stock and I think he did have a mid life rethink/crisis. Two things saved us. Firstly I went back to work in 2003 when I was 43, secondly he worked in NY for pretty much most of 2009/10 and realised he missed us and also realised that actually I could cope very well on my and respected me for it.

You really, really need to get a job op. Swallow your pride and start at the bottom again. So many nice middle class mums told me I was demeaning myself when I did that. Fast forward 10 years to their early fifties and their DH's left them for a younger model. They were by then completely unemployable and what chap finds a woman who can only discuss her children, their schools, the tennis club, their annual holiday and home furnishings particularly interesting.

He's hurting OP from bereavement and the life he thought he might have and to be honest, as much as I love my DC, the daily grind of family life with teenagers who no longer react with joy at how funny/clever/special mum and dad are, is pretty soul destroying.

JanisMoplin · 02/05/2022 16:03

I am not SAHM but find the idea that SAHMs can only discuss children, schools, furnishings and tennis clubs rather odd. I am sure OP has time to pick up a book or newspaper once in a while, maybe even have other interests. I mingle with a lot of 50 something men in the workplace and all they can talk about is golf, property, and their various health problems ranging from bad backs to gout. What woman would find them interesting?:)

AmeliaEarhart · 02/05/2022 16:07

JanisMoplin · 02/05/2022 15:53

Hmmmmm.... I often think men rewrite decisions that they were perfectly happy to make earlier and blame it on their wives.

^^ This.

It’s possible that OP tricked her husband into marriage and fatherhood (3 times!), or that he’s been begging her to return to work. It’s more likely that he wanted family life, and was perfectly happy for his wife to take on the drudgery of childcare and domestic labour when the children were small.

Is retraining a possibility OP? You have another 25 years of working life ahead of you want to build a new career for yourself.

Fluffycloudland77 · 02/05/2022 16:08

Men don’t have mid life crises, they have affairs and blame it on mid life crises.

Wheres our mid life crisis?

pixie5121 · 02/05/2022 16:10

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.