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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband said he has "never had a life"

81 replies

Naggymom · 02/05/2022 15:27

Hi,
My 20yr marriage has been going through a rough patch in last 2yrs. Lots of differences in opinions and communication problems. This has led to separate beds and lack of intimacy. I have suspected that this has maybe been because of my husband becoming close to a female colleague.

He has denied this repeatedly, but my gut feeling has not subsided. Today after another miserable weekend together, he shouted that he has never had a life. This is something that I am not sure I can forgive. We have three kids together, two teens and a 10yr old.
Its like an alien entity has taken over his body, I do not recognise the man I married. He can't apologise, so is sitting sulking in another room. It's time to leave, I don't think I am over reacting. Obviously, our life together has never been enough.
What do I do? Am a Sahm and rely on him for money. At 49yrs I feel stuck....and am upset at the lack of respect and affection. He did lose his mum last year....so is this just a midlife crisis of sorts..or has he just read me the script?

OP posts:
AmeliaEarhart · 02/05/2022 16:12

And also agree with the bizarre misconception that SAHMs can only talk about children and furnishings (!) When I was one I listened to Radio 4 and podcasts all day when I had the house to myself, and had more time for reading than I do now I’m back at work full time, so always had plenty of things to talk about.

CanterburyTrot · 02/05/2022 16:14

What Bagels said. Why are so many bossily telling off the OP for not having a job? Maybe there's not much time with 3 children and a husband at home and they didn't want to add to the frenetic pace. Maybe they both agreed this arrangement and could afford it - we don't know! Jeez.

CanterburyTrot · 02/05/2022 16:16

I mingle with a lot of 50 something men in the workplace and all they can talk about is golf, property, and their various health problems ranging from bad backs to gout

^ that made me smile :)

Original poster
Naggymom · 02/05/2022 16:16

Thank you all, I appreciate your responses. I guess since the two older kids have reached secondary school, I have missed my career..and I would be lying if I said I never questioned my choices. What really bothers me, is that my husband quite likes the fact I am one who picks up all stuff with childcare and home....in fact it would require more involvement from him if I returned to work full time.
The colleague is a decade younger but is a single mum. There have been a few things that have made me wonder if I am being unfavourably compared to her. No evidence of an affair, just a strong feeling his head has been turned. Maybe thats just my menopausal paranoia, but yes, I think that I need to take back some control by gaining employment.
It's sad that men are happy to have the little wife at home, but then become quite repulsed and bored by them. I guess I honestly never thought he would be a man who behaved like that. Anyway, much to consider. Thanks again for your thoughts.

OP posts:
TottersBlankly · 02/05/2022 16:17

Not wanting to be crass, but you may find the Mature Study and Retraining board, here:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/mature_students

a useful place to browse; sooner rather than later. It may just be because of his bereavement, but a decade of MN has taught me that men don’t start denigrating their domestic partnerships / lives until they see another one beckoning.

Organictangerine · 02/05/2022 16:18

I don’t think you’re paranoid OP a woman’s instinct is a powerful thing

CanterburyTrot · 02/05/2022 16:18

Also, childcare isn't necessarily "drudgery" as its been described. Why does feminism always have to make being a woman sound so miserable?! Children can be a lot more fun and interesting than the "conversation" round the water cooler ^ see above!

lightand · 02/05/2022 16:18

What happens when you two dont have to decide on an issue or problem? Is he happy enough then, do you think?

CanterburyTrot · 02/05/2022 16:21

Seen your latest post OP. You make a lot of sense and agree about your comment about the sad thing. I'm sure you'll find the right thing to do.

Topseyt123 · 02/05/2022 16:30

JanisMoplin · 02/05/2022 15:53

Hmmmmm.... I often think men rewrite decisions that they were perfectly happy to make earlier and blame it on their wives.

Certainly some of them do!

The number of times I nearly put DH through the wall for this!! I corrected him every time, but it really used to piss me off. We'd come to our decision because we had no family support network and childcare for three children more than cancelled out my earnings. I still had to give up a lot though to bring up our children, but if I didn't remind him sharply of that then he would conveniently forget and think that he was the only one making sacrifices and contributing anything.

I was earning again during the teenage years although much less than I had been before. It did shut him up though, and his face was an absolute picture the first time I had to tell him that he would have to be at home to sort out a problem because I would be at work!!

Zilla1 · 02/05/2022 16:32

Perhaps when he has calmed down it might be it might be an idea to ask him what he considers the life he hasn't had would include. It might help him think and you to understand what he is thinking about but not stupid or brave enough to say.

Treacletoots · 02/05/2022 16:34

To be honest I can totally understand why the breadwinning partner eventually gets fed up supporting the family financially and can end up with them resenting the other partner.

Of course there's two sides to every story, I personally found working full time far easier than being a full time parent but some men have a perception that the non working parent has an easier life than them, but then again, I can only compare to looking after a preschool aged child. Not working when the kids are at school does seem to be quite unnecessary and if I were the only working partner I too would think they were taking the piss and would quickly become resentful.

Its clear your DH has started to resent you and unless you have a magic wand, I'd be looking a getting a job pronto so you can support yourself in the likely event that this all goes tits up. Sorry to be so blunt but the sooner you fave the reality the quicker you can sort out your life.

RosesAndHellebores · 02/05/2022 16:44

@pixie5121 what an angry and aggressive post. He didn't "fuck off" to NY. He advised a NY firm on some specialist issues and it was both career defining and exceptionally lucrative. It happened to coincide with a difficult patch and it helped us. He had already supported me through my father's death but my father died of cancer and it was not a shock, my parents were divorced and the dynamics were entirely different. His father literally dropped dead.

We got through a difficult patch and it helped. He certainly did not leave me to drudgery, I was forging my own 2nd career, which wouldn't have been possible in NY (otherwise the dc might have boarded and I might have gone with him), supported by the au-pair he paid for, the cleaner, etc.. He certainly wasn't absent all the time and I had one less to look after.

brokengoalposts · 02/05/2022 16:46

Classic midlife crisis. Only he can drag himself out of it, you can help and support him but this doesn't mean he doesn't have to make the effort to help and support you too. He sounds like a petulant child, not attractive.

MyJobisNotOuting · 02/05/2022 16:48

Well most people feel at times they are not living their best life- that is normal

supporting someone who doesn’t work must be very stressful. I couldn’t do it

was that a decision that you were in agreement of at the time? And that it would last for so long ?

pixie5121 · 02/05/2022 16:50

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

Roselilly36 · 02/05/2022 16:51

Is he still struggling with the loss of his mum?

caringcarer · 02/05/2022 16:55

If you suspect he is having emotional affair with a colleague, then get a job to put away money in case he decides to leave you. Solicitors are expensive you need to start saving for the worst whilst hoping for the best. Are you honestly happy with him ATM? If not start planning your future.

everylittlehelp5 · 02/05/2022 16:57

My ex reeled off the same script and I was convinced he was having a mid life crisis. He wasn't he was having an affair with a much younger woman. I hope in your case this isn't the same scenario.

Get yourself back out there and get your life back.

RosesAndHellebores · 02/05/2022 17:00

@pixie5121 one that has lasted but for a blip that was never relationship redefining for more than 30 years. And yes, when DH has been away it has been very much like having one less to look after. Just as it was when DS and DD left for university.

Under345C0ver543 · 02/05/2022 17:05

He is telling you loud & clear that he is unhappy

Seperate beds seems to be a symptom of that

You said there is a lack of communication

He is the sole provider

He may be planning a quick exit

I also suggest that you get a job

Original poster
Naggymom · 02/05/2022 17:06

Having read everyone's replies, I have decided to dust off my C.V. and perhaps contact a few ex colleagues regarding a return to work. As I have been out of the workforce since 2008, I will need to consider retraining. Yes, I think he is still struggling with his mums death, but even so, he steadfastly refuses to talk to me about it. When I broach the subject of his colleague..he becomes very verbally abusive..so in my mind thats telling me my gut feeling may be spot on. We agreed I would take on childcare, so not my decision.

I think perhaps he wants me to walk away...or to conclude whatever it is thats happening between us. I feel like a old pair of comfy slippers, comfortable to wear, but not attractive enough to be seen in....does that make sense?

I would never ever have stayed at home and sacrificed my career if I had known this side of him. He seems full of contempt. Leaving him to reflect on what a life looks like. Sure as hell not pandering to him.

OP posts:
chisanunian · 02/05/2022 17:08

You could always point out to him that actually, you've not 'had a life' either. You've been stuck at home looking after 3 kids and running the household, and gave up your career to do so. What makes him think that you have been any more fulfilled in doing that over the last however many years?

You both agreed years ago how the family dynamic would work, so he can hardly now turn round and blame you for anything.

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 02/05/2022 17:11

JanisMoplin · 02/05/2022 15:53

Hmmmmm.... I often think men rewrite decisions that they were perfectly happy to make earlier and blame it on their wives.

Nah, something's are a pure obligation at the time. Some life goals are NOT compatible with family life.
I've been thru something similar, I internalised my feelings and let them dissipate instead.

I do oft think what if.

Original poster
Naggymom · 02/05/2022 17:15

Yes, I have pointed out to him that I haven't exactly been travelling the world or spending my time sipping cocktails whilst lying on a beach. He says he didn't mean it that way. But can't explain what the hell he means. Is it that he wants a cosy family life at home, but excitement of being able to do "whatever" he wants....?? Am lost. He isn't particularly interested in physical affection. So thats why its now separate beds. It sounds stupid, but it felt like he was going through a programme of wifely maintenance.....which further fuelled my suspicion about the colleague. God, its embarrassing to be posting here..but couldn't talk to anyone in real life.

OP posts: