Husband said he has "never had a life"

[Naggymom]

Hi,
My 20yr marriage has been going through a rough patch in last 2yrs. Lots of differences in opinions and communication problems. This has led to separate beds and lack of intimacy. I have suspected that this has maybe been because of my husband becoming close to a female colleague.

He has denied this repeatedly, but my gut feeling has not subsided. Today after another miserable weekend together, he shouted that he has never had a life. This is something that I am not sure I can forgive. We have three kids together, two teens and a 10yr old.
Its like an alien entity has taken over his body, I do not recognise the man I married. He can't apologise, so is sitting sulking in another room. It's time to leave, I don't think I am over reacting. Obviously, our life together has never been enough.
What do I do? Am a Sahm and rely on him for money. At 49yrs I feel stuck....and am upset at the lack of respect and affection. He did lose his mum last year....so is this just a midlife crisis of sorts..or has he just read me the script?

@Naggymom , women come in all shapes and sizes it’s inner beauty that shines through. Don’t be comparing yourself to old slippers. Get a trim, facial, nails tidied up and new everyday wear. Today is a new opportunity to get moving on your goals

Can you not go back to what you were doing? Literally every woman (myself included) has managed to get back to their old profession or a related one. It’s a myth you can’t get back in - don’t let the doom mongers tell you that.

Some of us were SAHM for years. Some companies even have programs for returners. Then you get the best of both worlds - time with the children when they were young and a second act career. What me and most of my friends have done anyway. It’s great!

Yeah you're the safety net at home that he takes everything out on knowing you're financially dependent on him and believing you'll never leave. You're basically to blame for everything that's not been completely perfect about his life, it's easier to justify what he's doing then - but even so he's still too cowardly to be honest with you and end it. No man leaves after this length of time unless they've got an absolutely sure think lined up - and even then they'll often keep both plates spinning for as long as they can.

Always, always trust your gut OP. Get a job and then take back control and end this misery. You deserve a million times better.

I would seriously consider @Bunty55 's advice because she has something... wait SOMETHING VERY VERY IMPORTANT to do all day and does not rely on anybody for money and most importantly she does NOT whine. Feck, I have always wondered what the meaning of life was. What a fool I am.

You should not have a verbally abusive male in your house. To be dependent upon him is a terrible idea, do you not want to be happy in life?

Typical MN to think that the solution to everything is for the woman to get a full-time job (and particularly this magical job which comes with a huge salary, even when you last worked in 2004). Woe betide any woman who actually likes being at home.

OP, whether anything has happened with this OW or not, it's a classic midlife crisis (I had one, so know the signs). There are things that could be done to improve your relationship, but only if your husband is willing to talk about what it is that he feels he'd like to have done/achieved and you are willing to listen.

When did you last have a holiday together without the kids?

I would never ever have stayed at home and sacrificed my career if I had known this side of him. He seems full of contempt.

There have been a couple of threads recently about SAHP and I think many women think like you did.

If you haven’t worked in almost 15years it is going to be a shock to the system.

How about you both go PT - you can start picking up your career again and he can feel less resentful that he’s spent his life working whilst you’ve been doing ‘nothing’.

He has recently lost his dad and I think after the pandemic it has made many people reflect on what’s important in life and what’s not.

I don’t think this is definitely the end but I would definitely start living for myself more.

I know you have a lot of focus on the colleague but nothing you’ve said sounds like there’s anything untoward going on so it may just be your paranoia because your relationship has hit a bump in the road.

Typical MN to think that the solution to everything is for the woman to get a full-time job (and particularly this magical job which comes with a huge salary, even when you last worked in 2004). Woe betide any woman who actually likes being at home.

How else will OP get money if they split up?

She’s still got another 10+ years before retiring so she’s just being proactive and not waiting for her DH to leave before she does anything about it.

Just read this

"With no communication, there is no relationship"

What do you both do for fun separately & together ?

If a man didn’t work and had 3 children, youngest of whom was 10, while the mum worked in a job with high responsibility. He would be called a cock lodger on here

I struggle with the sacrifice md my career line lots of couples work full time and have children
you made a choice not to do that- not a sacrifice- a lifestyle choice

Take a look at Returners programmes, if any of these happen to be similar to your previous industry.

womenreturners.com/

Op, it’s the script. Typical man bullshit….his head has been turned, but that cannot possibly because he’s a weak, selfish tosser, nope, that must be YOUR fault, because you’ve never let him “ have a life”. Fuck my old boots. How many times have we heard it???? Whilst, I would like to say fuck him off immediately, the best course of action would be to keep your powder dry, find employment and start planning for a life with just you and the dc. This is man bullshittery at best, don’t fall for it.

You really, really need to get a job op. Swallow your pride and start at
the bottom again. So many nice middle class mums told me I was
demeaning myself when I did that. Fast forward 10 years to their early
fifties and their DH's left them for a younger model. They were by then
completely unemployable and what chap finds a woman who can only
discuss her children, their schools, the tennis club, their annual
holiday and home furnishings particularly interesting

Op is 49, she's only got 2 years before as you suggest she is completely unemployable 🤔

Op, whilst everyone is completely immersed in trying to find you a job, I think my first port of call would be to make some calls to a solicitor.
There's no harm in finding out your financial situation if the worst comes to the worst, and yes it does have the sound of the begining of the script, having his head turned.

They usually come out with these sweeping statements, find out what's going on, you're not daft or imagining things. I think he needs bringing back down to earth.

I'm sorry this is happening.

So is everyone saying that op deseves no advice or sympathy because she is a Sahm.

@Naggymom I just reset my password to be able to reply to your post! Your marital dynamic sounds exactly like mine, circa 2018, with one material difference: I was the sole earner. My "self-employed" husband was distracted, verbally abusive and (very occasionally) super-sugary-yucky sweet. He was also working (?) "closely" with a woman who was my total opposite: a SAHM with acrylic nails, bleached blond hair, silicone boobs and shiny big-assed car. I worked full-time in a very demanding role in the City, supporting our family, which included a primary school-aged child and a newborn. Working/not working has NOTHING to do with what's going on, because my husband used the same words... exactly the same words... in a bitter fight. He told me he "deserved to have a life!" Translation? He deserved to have a torrid affair!! He, too, had just lost a parent and apparently I just "didn't support him enough" even though I was paying for everything and trying to support him emotionally. If you were once a high earner, you definitely have some terrific skills, so don't feel any regret about taking care of your children. But do get ready and prepare (very quietly) for re-entry into the workforce, because my spidey senses are going absolutely haywire reading your post. I'm 99% certain he is sleeping with his colleague. He's checked out the marriage emotionally and physically, and has been denigrating you mentally to excuse his own behaviour. I had to crack my husband's phone to get proof, but it was all there. Please protect yourself. 💐

To be honest I can totally understand why the breadwinning partner eventually gets fed up supporting the family financially and can end up with them resenting the other partner.

To be honest I can totally understand why the SAHP eventually gets fed up with supporting the family practically and emotionally whilst being made to feel guilty that they are not bringing in any financial benefit other than not having to spend on childcare, taxis, housekeeping, therapy, chefs, education (especially in the last two years) etc and can end up with them resenting the other partner.

Well why don't you go back to work if that's what you want? I work full time and have a 1 year old and 3 year old... it is a choice.

This. So wise.

My father did this at much the same age @Naggymom and my mother was a SAHM (BIG mistake). I don't see my father much now, because when I was a teenager, I was obviously in the way of him "having a life."

Sounds like his eye has wandered and he’s cross that he’d like to go and do all the things a single person would do with her, but can’t, and so is taking it out on you and the kids. It must be utterly miserable. For you, I mean.

If a man didn’t work and had 3 children, youngest of whom was 10, while the mum worked in a job with high responsibility. He would be called a cock lodger on here

Yes, he would, @Organictangerine That's MN for you.

I personally think that huge numbers of women work because they have no choice, when they would rather be at home. I had no desire to darken the doors of work ever again after I had my first child. It seems to me to be unnatural for a man to be a SAHP, but I know not everyone would agree.

@edenrose206 your reply left me feeling sick....because thats exactly how my gut is tingling......there have been weird things..all insignificant, but which led me to suspect something was amiss with this colleague. Of course when I raise them with him..he flies off the handle, calling me nuts and controlling. Still, the gut sinking feeling persists. I did wonder why his mood was so dour this weekend...maybe shes off having fun...while he is stuck here playing the family guy. I just asked him again. To reassure me I am wrong regarding this woman...well the swearing and shouting about not being a cheat ensued....anyway, i will be making moves to up skill and start trying to get back to work ....have this horrible feeling he is trying to make me tell him to go....

Thats it for now, thanks to everyone who replied, it is good to have a variety of opinions.

Totally agree. Get a job and make a life for yourself. You said yourself you are not getting on anyway, so what on earth have you done for the past 2 miserable years about getting some financial independence.