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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

partner strange with money

89 replies

vegan100 · 02/05/2022 15:20

Lost my job and agreed with partner that I pursue a degree that will enable me onto a new career. Didn’t work during study as we agreed I will take that time off and take a loan to study full time to finish it quickly.
I do not spend any money on myself at all. We have a household card that is used for shopping and I put my toiletries on this. That’s it. No nails, no hairdresser, no going out, no clothes, no fun, no holiday etc. very humble existence.
When I got a modest money gift (he needed to know how much) and I wanted to save it for a rainy day, he said I should spend it (on curtains, clothes, home stuff) and stop saying I have no money. He doesn’t understand I would like to have a tiny bit of a buffer at least until I have a job and start my new career. He earns very good money but it feels like he resents spending anything on household or us and moans about money and how much he has to pay.
He wants to get married but I feel he is not a type that will look after me and potential child if we have one. He already said he doesn’t accept stay at home mum. His mother never worked. He seems very tight and resentful. There are little things, comments, gestures that make me think that.
He was married before and has children (18&20) but always speaks with resentment about ex wife being SAHM and not working.
When we met I was working and he was out of work, now the tables turned but that is just life and things do happen. As for his ex I think if she wasn’t at home he would not be able to have his career and income level but seems like when we talk about it he is always in a less favourable position than women in his life.
Also he constantly talks about money, how much something costs, how much he saved with a voucher. It is like that in every conversation. He was even asking me exactly how much student loan I got and that if I had extras I could spend on other stuff. I bought my study books instead.
He makes me feel shit about not bringing salary at the moment but I do cook, clean and look after the household as well as study and write my dissertation. I feel embarrassed to ask for any pin money so I offered he pays me for cleaning as if he paid a cleaner but he dismissed it and tells me he hasn’t got any money. The guy is on a very good salary. It almost feels he resents me the education and sees it as I am on holiday. He is so short sighted doesn’t see that my new career will bring us better income and set us both on a better path in the future.

OP posts:

KaraVanPark · 02/05/2022 15:29

Do you want to live with this person for the foresable future?
only you can decide if your happy/willing to live like this

Shoxfordian · 02/05/2022 15:35

He’s not acting like your partner or like he’s on your team at all

GrazingSheep · 02/05/2022 15:35

I’d be gone

Izzy24 · 02/05/2022 15:37

He’s not short sighted at all.

Hes just a horrible partner.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 02/05/2022 15:45

How long have you been together?
Who's house is it? Did you move in with him or have you joint purchased/rented?
When you say that he was out of work and you were working at the beginning, we're you supporting him financially?
Could you get a part time job around your studies?

RandomMess · 02/05/2022 15:47

He's tight and miserly, you will never be true mutually supportive partners

Shinyandnew1 · 02/05/2022 15:49

He doesn’t sound very pleasant, but he is financially supporting you, I presume, by paying all of the food/bills/mortgage or rent? If you split up and moved out, could you afford to be a full time student or can you only afford to do this because of him?

What’s the degree and what are the job prospects like-when does it finish? When will you be earning and what sort of salary?

Coffeeholix · 02/05/2022 15:52

He’s tight, resentful and unsupportive. This won’t change. Doesn’t sound like a keeper to me.

Original poster

vegan100 · 02/05/2022 15:53

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo 6 years together
we live at his
when we met I was renting and living on my own.
job loss made sense to move to his but it is uncomfortable, I do not feel at home.

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 02/05/2022 15:55

He wants to get married but I feel he is not a type that will look after me and potential child if we have one.

You are absolutely bang on with this. He does not see you as a team.

You have great insight here and I hope you pass your qualification, secure a great position, and exit the relationship.

Bananalanacake · 02/05/2022 15:55

Would you be happier living on your own and seeing him once or twice a week.

Fireflygal · 02/05/2022 15:56

Did he really agree to the plan to study? Had you worked out finances of all day to day expenses?

Tbf he may now regret his decision you can agree to something and then have a change of heart when reality hits.

Is he keen to retire so perhaps whilst earning a good salary he may want to save more.

However I'm not sure he's a good bet to have children with, especially as you may want to stay home or work flexibly. He is telling you plainly that he will resent it. Don't assume you will be different to his Ex.

Also don't have children if not married as I doubt he be supportive financially,should you separate.
Look up CMS payments, less than 10% of salary which doesn’t pay for alot. Without marriage that's all you will be entitled to

Original poster

vegan100 · 02/05/2022 15:56

@Shinyandnew1 yes only able due to him currently supporting but I was supporting us before. Also we agreed to this so unsure why now so problematic. 6m left of study then I will be able to work, salary 40-50k.

OP posts:

anotherdisaster · 02/05/2022 16:05

He sounds just like my ex. Despite me supporting him through 2 bouts of unemployment (one was his own fault) and even increasing my hours are work, he then became extremely tight fisted when he was earning money. I felt like I was paying more than him (even though he earned more) and it got to the point where I felt uncomfortable asking him to pay for half of something for the house - so I ended up just paying it myself. Obviously now I see how wrong that all was. I would seriously consider your future here - he won't change.

MountainDewer · 02/05/2022 16:12

You’re doing very well to have sussed this out OP. He sounds horrible.
Maybe now you’re nearing completion of studies., and independence. He wants to control you?

Get that great post-degree job, then dump him. You don’t need this nonsense in your life

Shinyandnew1 · 02/05/2022 16:13

vegan100 · 02/05/2022 15:56

Ooh, do you mind me asking what job-that’s a good salary!?

BluegrassBlues · 02/05/2022 16:16

Mean with money, mean with love

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/05/2022 16:16

There are some other red flags re this man; his attitude towards his ex wife being just one.

He is financially controlling and thus abusive to you. You need to plan your exit now from this with due care; he won't let go of you that easily. You and he should no longer be together at all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/05/2022 16:18

I would also think he does not have much, if anything, of a relationship with his now adult children. There's a reason for that too. He is truly a horrible man who likely fooled you into thinking otherwise when you and he first met. His true colours are now fully emerging.

HollowTalk · 02/05/2022 16:21

I would be off like a shot. You'd be crazy to even think about marrying him.

Do you have children together?

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/05/2022 16:27

It doesn’t sound as though your outlooks on life or expectations of each partner in a relationship are compatible; and there’s nothing in your post to indicate that that you actually love him or even like him very much. Would you still be with him if he wasn’t paying all the bills and enabling you to get the degree you want? Honestly?

He isn’t going to willingly give you the future life you want, which sounds as though you want to be a SAHM once you have children? I’d look to separate as soon as you can, whilst you have no ties.

But I don’t think it’s unreasonable of him to expect that if you want new clothes or non-essential things for the home that you should use your own money, since you have some, to buy those things rather than squirrelling your money away for yourself whilst treating his money as joint. I would also resent a partner claiming to have no money and wanting to dip into my purse, when I was already paying all the bills, for their clothes and things they wanted, so as to be able to save their own money for themselves

mmmmmmghturep · 02/05/2022 16:34

@ComtesseDeSpair i wonder if when the OP was supporting him whether that included new clothes for him or not

Shinyandnew1 · 02/05/2022 16:38

I agree with this.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 02/05/2022 16:50

Absolutely do NOT marry him and do NOT have a child with him. He is showing you what his priorities are and you are not one. Money is most important? If you are his true partner then supporting you should be his priority. It sounds more like you are a boarder in HIS house - working for your keep and sleeping with the landlord. Finish your course, get a job, and leave.

HalfShrunkMoreToGo · 02/05/2022 16:56

I think there is a huge change going from living separately with 2 incomes to you moving into his home and him being the sole provider.

I might be misunderstanding but you say you are getting a student loan, shouldn't that be going into the household pot to cover living expenses? You say he's asked how much the loan is and you didn't tell him so I assume that he isn't seeing any of it for the mortgage or utility bills?

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