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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

partner strange with money

89 replies

vegan100 · 02/05/2022 15:20

Lost my job and agreed with partner that I pursue a degree that will enable me onto a new career. Didn’t work during study as we agreed I will take that time off and take a loan to study full time to finish it quickly.
I do not spend any money on myself at all. We have a household card that is used for shopping and I put my toiletries on this. That’s it. No nails, no hairdresser, no going out, no clothes, no fun, no holiday etc. very humble existence.
When I got a modest money gift (he needed to know how much) and I wanted to save it for a rainy day, he said I should spend it (on curtains, clothes, home stuff) and stop saying I have no money. He doesn’t understand I would like to have a tiny bit of a buffer at least until I have a job and start my new career. He earns very good money but it feels like he resents spending anything on household or us and moans about money and how much he has to pay.
He wants to get married but I feel he is not a type that will look after me and potential child if we have one. He already said he doesn’t accept stay at home mum. His mother never worked. He seems very tight and resentful. There are little things, comments, gestures that make me think that.
He was married before and has children (18&20) but always speaks with resentment about ex wife being SAHM and not working.
When we met I was working and he was out of work, now the tables turned but that is just life and things do happen. As for his ex I think if she wasn’t at home he would not be able to have his career and income level but seems like when we talk about it he is always in a less favourable position than women in his life.
Also he constantly talks about money, how much something costs, how much he saved with a voucher. It is like that in every conversation. He was even asking me exactly how much student loan I got and that if I had extras I could spend on other stuff. I bought my study books instead.
He makes me feel shit about not bringing salary at the moment but I do cook, clean and look after the household as well as study and write my dissertation. I feel embarrassed to ask for any pin money so I offered he pays me for cleaning as if he paid a cleaner but he dismissed it and tells me he hasn’t got any money. The guy is on a very good salary. It almost feels he resents me the education and sees it as I am on holiday. He is so short sighted doesn’t see that my new career will bring us better income and set us both on a better path in the future.

OP posts:

Shinyandnew1 · 02/05/2022 19:00

I think you probably should have taken the maintenance loan so that every single cost wouldn’t fall entirely on him.

When he was out of work, was he claiming any benefits to bring to the household?

I think any other money you are given as presents etc should go towards the house, yes.

Herejustforthisone · 02/05/2022 19:27

Do not tie yourself to a miserable experience with this horrible miser. He happily let you support him but is embittered when the tables are turned.

I’m very concerned by him demanding to know how much you got given as a gift and then demanding you spend it on his house.

Use your new qualifications to build a great life in your own.

Norwolf · 02/05/2022 19:49

You know you need to leave. This isn’t it. Don’t ignore your instincts.

Gilesgoesformiles · 02/05/2022 19:52

Sounds to me like you’re angling to be a SAHM and he - rightly in my view - doesn’t want this. It’s not a crime

2catsandhappy · 02/05/2022 19:57

Whatever he used to say or think about money has changed. Time for a new chat if you want to stay together. You could mention that it only 6 more pay packets until you start earning again.

MrMrsJones · 02/05/2022 20:03

You supported him and now he is resentful that he is now supporting you, short term so you can earn a decent salary.

He will be the same when you're pregnant on maternity leave.

He is not a keeper.

SpacePotato · 02/05/2022 20:54

Is there a big age gap between you? Does he even want more children and start again now his are adults? Assuming he's already in his 40's and you are still young enough to put off trying for another few years?

Do you actually want to be with a man who seems to think women are scroungers? He owns the house so what happens when you start working and/or have a child? He could kick you out anytime.

Abridget7 · 02/05/2022 21:13

Sounds like a miserable relationship with no future. I think you know this too, deep down.

IncompleteSenten · 02/05/2022 21:19

He doesn't see you as a team.

What if you become chronically ill or disabled in a way that means you are unable to work? Will he be there for you?

He happily accepted your financial support but is desperate for you to always remember you cannot expect the same.

I think that marrying him or having a child with him would be a huge mistake. I can already see exactly how that would go for you.

Whenthegoatcomesin · 02/05/2022 21:31

@Shinyandnew1 I think it’s only a year course so likely post grad.

MissusMaisel · 02/05/2022 21:45

Only on mumsnet. Man pays for literally everything for his girlfriend while she won't pay for a single thing even when she has cash, but he's abusive and controlling.

What a load of tosh.

Shinyandnew1 · 02/05/2022 21:47

Whenthegoatcomesin · 02/05/2022 21:31

@Shinyandnew1 I think it’s only a year course so likely post grad.

Oh, the OP said it was a degree and that this is not a years long study so I assumed it was a standard 3 year degree.

Uglycurtainsareugly · 02/05/2022 22:00

MissusMaisel · 02/05/2022 21:45

Only on mumsnet. Man pays for literally everything for his girlfriend while she won't pay for a single thing even when she has cash, but he's abusive and controlling.

What a load of tosh.

Maybe read all of the OPs posts before commenting to avoid looking like a complete twit.

user1471538283 · 02/05/2022 22:05

I had this. I supported him but when I gave birth all of a sudden his child and I were not his responsibility. Get your qualifications and a job and leave him.

Nanny0gg · 02/05/2022 22:10

vegan100 · 02/05/2022 18:06

@Greatoutdoors doesn't spend on himslef. I buy him clothes as gifts (when I work), when we met he was in need of clothes, he sold his car few years ago and uses mine (which I call ours). doesn't want to go on holiday even if he benefited from it.

Horrible, miserable existence.

Get your degree and get out.

BreakorMake · 02/05/2022 22:17

What are the benefits to you and your well being of staying with him? List them out for us.....

Doesn't matter who is right and who is not, it is how YOU feel that matters. You only have one life so choose wisely and take your blinkers off to see properly. No excuses now.

RBKB · 03/05/2022 06:10

@vegan100 think really hard about if you want to stay. You supported him, when the tables were turned he treated you like a sponger. He does not seem to like women and he won't change. When you are on your feet, he will encourage you to pool money but he will make sure that you have no ownership of the property. Then he could turf you out in 20 years with nothing.

Please don't let that happen x

MissusMaisel · 03/05/2022 09:51

Uglycurtainsareugly · 02/05/2022 22:00

Maybe read all of the OPs posts before commenting to avoid looking like a complete twit.

Show quote history

I read them, thanks. Point stands. It's the rest of you that look like "twits"

Shinyandnew1 · 03/05/2022 10:02

@vegan100 How long is the course? Has he been solely supporting you for 6 months or 2.5 years?

What’s the job at the end of it?

teacherorpreacher · 03/05/2022 10:07

OP I think it is great you are so close to ending your studies. Just around the corner is a lovely new career where you will be financially independent of this loser. Use him ( I know I will get flamed) until you get your new job then leave him. Good luck in you new career and your new life

Opentooffers · 03/05/2022 10:09

Given that he's got adult children I'm guessing he's a fair bit older than yourself. I suspect he's from s bygone era where misogyny was rife. He might not like that a SAHM doesn't bring the money in, but I 100% guarantee that if you carried on working with DC, there's no way he'd be doing 50% of the housework and childcare.
Don't settle down with him, he will have you working, cooking, cleaning and DC rearing and burnt out iand resentful n the process.
Get your training done, then reassess the whole thing. Once you are working, it will be easier to leave and find mich better support .

TorringtonDean · 03/05/2022 10:22

It reads to me like you are the one financially abusing him! No job and no maintenance loan? Don’t you realise it costs to live? He is paying for everything. You say he has a very good salary but costs are rising massively at the moment. Maybe he is struggling and that’s why he is so focused on saving money, vouchers etc. Could you not have found a part time job at least while studying. There is no shortage of vacancies.

And you suggested he paid you for cleaning when you and living rent free and have all bills and food paid for? Really?? Plus you have no kids so you can’t say you are contributing by raising them.

How long has this been going on for? It’s really not clear how long the course is taking. If you can suddenly earn £40k to £50k with this qualification that’s astonishing.

I am amazed that people call him tight. You, OP, are the tight one!

IncompleteSenten · 03/05/2022 10:32

MissusMaisel · 03/05/2022 09:51

I read them, thanks. Point stands. It's the rest of you that look like "twits"

Show quote history

You read the post where she explains that she in fact financially supported him during his period of unemployment quite happily and you think she's unreasonable and we're twits for thinking that it's not on that he was happy to be financially helped by her when he needed it but is treating her like shit now she needs it?

TorringtonDean · 03/05/2022 10:37

It’s not clear how long she supported him or how much? A uni course is normally pretty long and that’s why there is a maintenance loan. As she is an adult and not dependent on parents she should be entitled to around £10k. But no, instead she is living off him.

Shinyandnew1 · 03/05/2022 10:45

I think some questions probably need to be answered before this post goes round in circles.

How long did you support him for? Was he bringing in any money (jobseekers benefits?) and what did you pay for?

How long is your course and what is it?

You mention using the leftovers of the loan to buy books but then say the loan was to directly pay tuition fees. Why didn’t you get a maintenance loan?

If you paid for his food for 6 weeks whereas he has paid for absolutely everything for 2.5 years when you could have a got a maintenance Lao , and he’s now fed up, that’s a v different scenario to the one some people are suggesting.

I really want to know what the job is that pays 40/50k-I am interested i. Seeing if that’s something I can do.

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