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Original poster

partner strange with money

89 replies

vegan100 · 02/05/2022 15:20

Lost my job and agreed with partner that I pursue a degree that will enable me onto a new career. Didn’t work during study as we agreed I will take that time off and take a loan to study full time to finish it quickly.
I do not spend any money on myself at all. We have a household card that is used for shopping and I put my toiletries on this. That’s it. No nails, no hairdresser, no going out, no clothes, no fun, no holiday etc. very humble existence.
When I got a modest money gift (he needed to know how much) and I wanted to save it for a rainy day, he said I should spend it (on curtains, clothes, home stuff) and stop saying I have no money. He doesn’t understand I would like to have a tiny bit of a buffer at least until I have a job and start my new career. He earns very good money but it feels like he resents spending anything on household or us and moans about money and how much he has to pay.
He wants to get married but I feel he is not a type that will look after me and potential child if we have one. He already said he doesn’t accept stay at home mum. His mother never worked. He seems very tight and resentful. There are little things, comments, gestures that make me think that.
He was married before and has children (18&20) but always speaks with resentment about ex wife being SAHM and not working.
When we met I was working and he was out of work, now the tables turned but that is just life and things do happen. As for his ex I think if she wasn’t at home he would not be able to have his career and income level but seems like when we talk about it he is always in a less favourable position than women in his life.
Also he constantly talks about money, how much something costs, how much he saved with a voucher. It is like that in every conversation. He was even asking me exactly how much student loan I got and that if I had extras I could spend on other stuff. I bought my study books instead.
He makes me feel shit about not bringing salary at the moment but I do cook, clean and look after the household as well as study and write my dissertation. I feel embarrassed to ask for any pin money so I offered he pays me for cleaning as if he paid a cleaner but he dismissed it and tells me he hasn’t got any money. The guy is on a very good salary. It almost feels he resents me the education and sees it as I am on holiday. He is so short sighted doesn’t see that my new career will bring us better income and set us both on a better path in the future.

OP posts:
Lillibarr · 03/05/2022 11:05

He is just not a nice man op.
And why on earth would you want to spend your life with a man who isn't even nice? Surely nice should be the bare minimum.

He isn't going to change, he seems resentful of women and he'll drain the life out of you. Time to go.

BritInAus · 03/05/2022 11:09

"He wants to get married but I feel he is not a type that will look after me and potential child if we have one"

This speaks volumes! Run!

latetothefisting · 03/05/2022 11:30

Opentooffers · 03/05/2022 10:09

Given that he's got adult children I'm guessing he's a fair bit older than yourself. I suspect he's from s bygone era where misogyny was rife. He might not like that a SAHM doesn't bring the money in, but I 100% guarantee that if you carried on working with DC, there's no way he'd be doing 50% of the housework and childcare.
Don't settle down with him, he will have you working, cooking, cleaning and DC rearing and burnt out iand resentful n the process.
Get your training done, then reassess the whole thing. Once you are working, it will be easier to leave and find mich better support .

If his kids are 18 and 20 he's probably between 40-50 i.e born in the 1970s/80s - not the 1870s as you are suggesting! The eighties are hardly a "bygone era!"

I agree with the posters who say we need more info. Did you really fully support him with all his housing and living costs when you first met and he was unemployed because that is very unusual for a new relationship? Or did you just cover a holiday when you first got together? Why haven't you taken out a maintenance loan? I've done a post grad -yes it's hard but it's still nowhere near as time consuming as working full time -you could easily get at least 1 day a week of work, even if just a Saturday in a pub or coffee shop to pay for your own mascara!

I agree some of his behaviours sound very unattractive but it's also very stressful to be the sole earner now when prices are going through the roof and you don't have a specified time when you will definitely get a job.

Just wondering if the aibu was from the other perspective -

"aibu my partner lost his job so decided to go back to uni to study. He is eligible for a maintenance loan but hasn't taken it out and wanted to study full time rather than part time while working so I'm supporting both of us. While he is studying hard obviously he still has more free time than me so in fairness does do most of the cooking and cleaning but he has now suggested that I pay him for doing this! Although he says he will definitely get a job as soon as the course finishes obviously this is never certain. I've been unemployed myself and know that nothing is guaranteed.

My partner had a small bit of money from the uni but put these towards buying books for the course. Now they've had a gift of money from a relative I've asked if they can put some of it towards the house but they want to save it. ATM I am paying for everything for my partner, even aftershave, razors etc. With the cost of living increasing its stressign me out having to cover everything for an unspecified period of time. Aibu to think if I'm paying for everything else it's not unreasonable for me to ask my partner to contribute their gift money for household essentials?"

I do agree with everyone who says that you should think VERY hard before you have kids with him though. Does he even want a baby when he will have 2 kids in their 20s?

WildAtHart0fH3artz · 03/05/2022 11:47

If you are a student, what is stopping you from working part time now ?

Cauliflowersqueeze · 03/05/2022 12:13

Please god don’t spend any time or money on him. Invest not one more minute. Get out and find someone who values you.

FloydPepper · 03/05/2022 12:15

“"aibu my partner lost his job so decided to go back to uni to study. He is eligible for a maintenance loan but hasn't taken it out and wanted to study full time rather than part time while working so I'm supporting both of us. While he is studying hard obviously he still has more free time than me so in fairness does do most of the cooking and cleaning but he has now suggested that I pay him for doing this! Although he says he will definitely get a job as soon as the course finishes obviously this is never certain. I've been unemployed myself and know that nothing is guaranteed.”

I know some have been supportive of him, but the poster who put the above is spot on. A thread with that as the op would look quite different

Shinyandnew1 · 03/05/2022 12:17

Cauliflowersqueeze · 03/05/2022 12:13

Please god don’t spend any time or money on him. Invest not one more minute. Get out and find someone who values you.

Except who would bankroll her to finish her degree then?

is the OP ever coming back?

MissusMaisel · 03/05/2022 12:41

Cauliflowersqueeze · 03/05/2022 12:13

Please god don’t spend any time or money on him. Invest not one more minute. Get out and find someone who values you.

I'd be saying this to him, to be honest.

She wanted him to pay her for cleaning the house that he pays for her to live in!! Sir, get out now and find someone who doesn't only care about your money....

Ilady · 03/05/2022 14:27

You and this man are not compatible as a couple. You helped him out when he was unemployed. So you decide after you lost you job to go back to college in order to get a better job. You asked him to support you with this and he knows that after you will have a good job at the end. You got a small cash gift recently and he expected you to spend on day to day expenses. You wanted to keep that as a buffer until you got a job.
He has a good salary but seems to be very penny pinching. He is divorced with 2 young adult children. His wife was a sahm so she did the wife work when he could work long hours or extra course to move up the ladder. I wonder does he feel that his wife got a lot of money when they divorced?
You said you feel that he would not like you to be a sahm if you had a family later. I can't see him wanting another child when he already has young adult children.
I feel that he could be older than you.

He wants to marry you but after what you have noticed your unsure about this. In your situation I would be the same. My feeling is that he wants you for your salary. He won't want another child. As he get older he won't want to go places or do things.
I know a lady at the moment who is 61/62 and she works PT. Her husband is 10 years older and retired. She still wants to go places and do things and meanwhile he is happy to stay at home. I have seen woman ending up minding husband's that are years older them. He refuses to let help into the home or go into a nursing home. He has plenty of money but won't spend it to make his or who life any way easier and will complain about ever little thing.
My advice in your situation is that you start to apply for jobs if possible before you finish in college. As soon as you get a job I end things with him because long term I don't think you want the same things. Also it very hard to live with a mean man who counts every penny.

TorringtonDean · 03/05/2022 14:33

You don’t have a claim on his money just because you have sex with him. Although he could turn around and say you should be keeping him in the style he is used to - as you did it before! He’s really gone above and beyond and all you do is moan. I’d say the OP is the one with the strange attitude to money.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/05/2022 18:03

She wanted him to pay her for cleaning the house that he pays for her to live in!!

Yes, I picked up on that too - also the references to "this guy" as if he's just a source of money rather than a loved partner Hmm

As so often on MN, it's not hard to imagine what the responses would have been if the sexes were reversed ...

PenelopeLively · 03/05/2022 20:46

Would a part time job not help

billy1966 · 03/05/2022 20:46

He was happy for you to support him but he begrudges supporting you.

Stick it out for the six months that it takes to qualify.

Get a good job.

Dump him the minute you are sorted.

He is mean and not a man to marry and have a child with.

Bouledepetanque · 03/05/2022 21:57

Do not marry or have children with this man

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