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Original poster

partner strange with money

89 replies

vegan100 · 02/05/2022 15:20

Lost my job and agreed with partner that I pursue a degree that will enable me onto a new career. Didn’t work during study as we agreed I will take that time off and take a loan to study full time to finish it quickly.
I do not spend any money on myself at all. We have a household card that is used for shopping and I put my toiletries on this. That’s it. No nails, no hairdresser, no going out, no clothes, no fun, no holiday etc. very humble existence.
When I got a modest money gift (he needed to know how much) and I wanted to save it for a rainy day, he said I should spend it (on curtains, clothes, home stuff) and stop saying I have no money. He doesn’t understand I would like to have a tiny bit of a buffer at least until I have a job and start my new career. He earns very good money but it feels like he resents spending anything on household or us and moans about money and how much he has to pay.
He wants to get married but I feel he is not a type that will look after me and potential child if we have one. He already said he doesn’t accept stay at home mum. His mother never worked. He seems very tight and resentful. There are little things, comments, gestures that make me think that.
He was married before and has children (18&20) but always speaks with resentment about ex wife being SAHM and not working.
When we met I was working and he was out of work, now the tables turned but that is just life and things do happen. As for his ex I think if she wasn’t at home he would not be able to have his career and income level but seems like when we talk about it he is always in a less favourable position than women in his life.
Also he constantly talks about money, how much something costs, how much he saved with a voucher. It is like that in every conversation. He was even asking me exactly how much student loan I got and that if I had extras I could spend on other stuff. I bought my study books instead.
He makes me feel shit about not bringing salary at the moment but I do cook, clean and look after the household as well as study and write my dissertation. I feel embarrassed to ask for any pin money so I offered he pays me for cleaning as if he paid a cleaner but he dismissed it and tells me he hasn’t got any money. The guy is on a very good salary. It almost feels he resents me the education and sees it as I am on holiday. He is so short sighted doesn’t see that my new career will bring us better income and set us both on a better path in the future.

OP posts:
JudyGemstone · 02/05/2022 17:01

“Also he constantly talks about money, how much something costs, how much he saved with a voucher. It is like that in every conversation”

I find it incredibly tedious and odd when people do this. It’s almost like a type of OCD behaviour. People with that attitude to money should probably just date each other and not inflict their tight fisted joylessness on the rest of us!

Shinyandnew1 · 02/05/2022 17:03

What does your maintenance loan get spent on, OP?

Original poster
vegan100 · 02/05/2022 17:31

ok so after reading it all - and thank you for your comments - I feel I need to clarify few bits just to avoid misunderstanding - the student loan is not the same as maintenance loan. student loan is an exact amount that gets paid towards the course, there is no extras. as for him paying for my clothes etc - he doesn't, I do not buy anything like I mentioned. very humble life, only toiletries ie tampons, cheap moisturiser, mascara that's it. this is not a years long study so it is really a very temporary and agreed set of circumstances but even in such short period of time it shows true colours. I contributed before my study and will contribute after. I am not expecting to be a kept woman as I never was one.

OP posts:
MissusMaisel · 02/05/2022 17:40

Coffeeholix · 02/05/2022 15:52

He’s tight, resentful and unsupportive. This won’t change. Doesn’t sound like a keeper to me.

to be fair, he's paying all of the rent, the bills, pretty much everything it seems...and they aren't married?

Is it really fair to call him a tight miserly bastard when he is literally paying for OP's entire life? How would you feel keeping another adult who you weren't married to, didn't have children with, and weren't related to? I sure as hell wouldn't do it, would anyone here?

They don't appear to have the same attitude to money and probably arent suited, but to rely on a man for your home, bills, food, etc AND call him mean and horrible....I mean, come on lads, what the fuck?

MissusMaisel · 02/05/2022 17:42

"I am not expecting to be a kept woman as I never was one."

But you are, really, aren't you?

Original poster
vegan100 · 02/05/2022 17:44

@MissusMaisel it is not entirely like that - he was jobless too and I supported him as well, like I said, this is agreed and short term. seems like it was ok when I was supportive but not quite the same when tables turn specially that he will benefit from my career change and income too.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 02/05/2022 17:48

Do not marry him, he sounds mean and stingy, yes I understand he is paying the mortgage, food etc but to begrudge you your own financial gift or a few clothes is not the sign of a loving partner. Can you move out?

Iamnotamermaid · 02/05/2022 17:53

Sounds like he does not have your back. There are times when you need to invest in yourself and skill base in order to progress in a career or job. You are doing that - you are not binge watching Netflix on his money.

He should be supportive of you right now and encouraging you to get the degree finished. Does he ever ask how it is going or what your assignments are on?

Tbh it sounds like you are on different pages with this relationship. Yes you are hoping he would step up and support you more than he is and that is not unreasonable. This is a partner with whom you have invested 6 years of your time (who is earning well) could be expected to support you a bit more. It is not a 6 month relationship.

What will happen down the road if you have kids & need to take maternity leave (as an example). Hmm

ItsSnowJokes · 02/05/2022 17:54

I might get slaughtered on here for saying it but you say you have 6 months left of study. I would stomach this twat for those 6 months, get your new job and then move out and dump his arse. He will always be a miserable, tight, cunt as he will always compare you to what his ex did to him etc............. go out, find someone who appreciates you for you.

ItsSnowJokes · 02/05/2022 17:55

MissusMaisel · 02/05/2022 17:40

to be fair, he's paying all of the rent, the bills, pretty much everything it seems...and they aren't married?

Is it really fair to call him a tight miserly bastard when he is literally paying for OP's entire life? How would you feel keeping another adult who you weren't married to, didn't have children with, and weren't related to? I sure as hell wouldn't do it, would anyone here?

They don't appear to have the same attitude to money and probably arent suited, but to rely on a man for your home, bills, food, etc AND call him mean and horrible....I mean, come on lads, what the fuck?

Show quote history

She paid it all when they were first together. It's what happy, loving couples do, they support each other through hopes, dreams and bad times.

Greatoutdoors · 02/05/2022 18:00

That’s very unattractive. What’s he like at spending money on himself? Trying to work out if he’s generally financially anxious or just mean with you.

Shinyandnew1 · 02/05/2022 18:02

vegan100 · 02/05/2022 17:31

ok so after reading it all - and thank you for your comments - I feel I need to clarify few bits just to avoid misunderstanding - the student loan is not the same as maintenance loan. student loan is an exact amount that gets paid towards the course, there is no extras. as for him paying for my clothes etc - he doesn't, I do not buy anything like I mentioned. very humble life, only toiletries ie tampons, cheap moisturiser, mascara that's it. this is not a years long study so it is really a very temporary and agreed set of circumstances but even in such short period of time it shows true colours. I contributed before my study and will contribute after. I am not expecting to be a kept woman as I never was one.

Do you mean you have taken the loan to pay the tuition fees but not the maintenance loan?

what do you mean when you say ‘it’s not a years long study’? How long is it?

Carlycat · 02/05/2022 18:04

Massive red flag. Dump him as soon as you can and enjoy your new career and life

D0lphine · 02/05/2022 18:04

I get why he is annoyed. Three years is a long time to support someone with 0 income. Especially when you're not married!

I don't think people can call him tight when he is paying for 100% of everything.

ComtesseDeSpair · 02/05/2022 18:05

vegan100 · 02/05/2022 17:44

@MissusMaisel it is not entirely like that - he was jobless too and I supported him as well, like I said, this is agreed and short term. seems like it was ok when I was supportive but not quite the same when tables turn specially that he will benefit from my career change and income too.

How would you have felt, when he was out of work and you were paying all the bills, if he’d received a large-ish gift of money and told you that he felt that was his money to keep for himself, but then asked you for more money to buy stuff for him that he wanted?

Do you actually love and like him? You refer to him several times in your OP as “the guy” or “this guy”. That’s not how most people who love their partner speak about them. There’s nothing in anything you post which indicates this a relationship worth continuing with, for either of you - you don’t sound happy with each other and with no marriage or children to make things difficult, that’s really the angle I’d be taking.

Original poster
vegan100 · 02/05/2022 18:06

@Greatoutdoors doesn't spend on himslef. I buy him clothes as gifts (when I work), when we met he was in need of clothes, he sold his car few years ago and uses mine (which I call ours). doesn't want to go on holiday even if he benefited from it.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/05/2022 18:08

5-6 months until you aren't beholden to his abuse and financial control at most. Sooner if you approach the university for help finding accommodation due to fleeing abuse.

You know he's a bad person. Get out as soon as you can and be free with your new career and independence.

Original poster
vegan100 · 02/05/2022 18:10

@ComtesseDeSpair but I am not asking him to buy me anything and I did pay for him when he was out of work and I was working, I also do not mind him to have savings. My gift is a little buffer until I get a job. once I am on a salary we can put this towards holiday or whatever. I do not mind. I am only talking about here and now.

OP posts:
OuchitHurtstoomuch · 02/05/2022 18:12

I can understand why he would want to use your gift as part of the household money. He does sound like he doesn't like supporting you?
What about getting a job? Could you work at the weekends.

Iwonder08 · 02/05/2022 18:15

You just have a very different view on finance. I think it is incredibly selfless of him to subsidise you while you are studying when you are not even married. I also think it is very hard to be a sole breadwinner and it is good you were made aware of his views on sahm set up before you become one. In your shoes I would walk away as you are not financially compatible

Shinyandnew1 · 02/05/2022 18:18

I’m intrigued by what undergraduate degree will start you on a 40/50 grand salary!

doingitforthegirls · 02/05/2022 18:23

To be honest I would have said ok then I'll get a job it's obviously not worked out and is causing resentment so best to nip it in the bud before it gets any further.

How long have you been "studying" - if it's been a couple of years already his feelings on it have obviously changed and that's fine

if she wasn’t at home he would not be able to have his career and income level

And this is bullshit by the way. Careers are about hard work, knowledge, experience and time served. Nothing to do with someone being at home cooking and cleaning and looking after children during the day - lots of people are able to progress their careers without having a STAHP at home - they make use of childcare

Viviennemary · 02/05/2022 18:25

It sounds like he hasn't thought through the implications of you not earning any money for three years and is now feeling resentful about having to pay for everything. Or are you contributing to bills. But he doesn't exactly sound like the sharing type.

FinallyHere · 02/05/2022 18:28

cook, clean and look after the household as well as study and write my dissertation.

So you are studying full time and writing a dissertation, funded by a loan that you will pay off while he is working full time.

How much housework is he contributing?

Thought not.

You are absolutely correct, he does not deserve to father your children. Start making your plans to get your own place. All the best.

Mellowyellow222 · 02/05/2022 18:49

I think it’s odd he agreed to support you when he feels like this.

how long have you been out of work - how long did you support him for.

I am not sure why you are both In Thai relationship, it doesn’t sound very loving or supportive.

I do agree with others that if he is paying for everything, your food, your housing etc, then I can see why he is annoyed you want to keep this money to yourself.