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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So hurt

104 replies

IcePoppy2 · 01/05/2022 11:31

I have nobody to talk to about this. Me and dp have been arguing this morning, mainly about the kids/house work. Because he realised eventually he was in the wrong, he decided to get personal. He said I’m fat, ugly and scruffy. I should go and look in the mirror to see just how ugly I am. Even if I lose weight, it won’t matter because the damage is done and I’ll end up with loads of saggy skin. Nobody else will find me attractive and if they do they will be desperate. He feels sorry for the next person that would end up on top of me. He wouldn’t leave the house if he looked like me. He looked me up and down and laughed at me. He will have no trouble moving on because he gets lots of looks/flirting when he goes out apparently according to him. This is everything he said to me. How am I meant to get past this? I have never been so hurt. I never, ever said anything personal about him during this argument. I can’t imagine carrying on the relationship after what he’s said. I know that eventually he will apologise and say he didn’t mean it and that he only said to hurt me. But I genuinely can’t imagine ever moving on from his words. My self esteem was already non-existent before this which he knows. He’s gone out somewhere now in a strop. Actually hoping he doesn’t return

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 01/05/2022 17:56

If you are not financially dependent on him, what is stopping you from leaving your abuser?

What needs to happen for you to leave and live your own best life?

Vallmo47 · 01/05/2022 17:59

Please don’t stay in this relationship OP. You deserve SO much better. Please.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 01/05/2022 18:07

What a nasty bastard. You can do better than him.

Crikeyalmighty · 01/05/2022 18:07

I think unfortunately OP that is what he thinks at the back of his mind- normally he suppresses it but on this occasion it all came out. Why would he be with you indeed if he did mean it? Because it would cause hassle and maybe financial pressure fir him and a gross amount of inconvenience if you said sod off! Be prepared for more of this kind of verbal shit from him if you do tell him to sod off- and you should- that was unforgivable

LadyOfTheCanyon · 01/05/2022 18:09

Watchkeys · 01/05/2022 11:46

Would you be equally insulted if he'd told you that you were a member of an alien race who had invaded the earth to destroy it?

No. You'd think he was a lunatic.

The difference is that you know you're not an alien. You have faith in that. You believe what you think is true, about that.

However, when told you're ugly, you don't believe the part of yourself that says 'No I'm not'

Get away from anybody who gives you the feeling you have now. That's your responsibility in life, to yourself. Then work out what you think of you. Do you think you're too fat for your own preferences? Then lose some weight. Do you think you'd like to be more attractive? Work out what would make you more attractive, in your own eyes, and do that. You're in charge of what you think of you. Anybody else can say what they like about you. If they say things you don't like, they filter themselves out of your life, because you'll walk away.

You're in charge, don't delegate the responsibility for your feelings to someone who can't look after them.

I haven't read all of the thread yet, I just wanted to come on and say what a brilliant, life affirming post this is. All women need to understand this.

@Watchkeys thank you.

Onthedunes · 01/05/2022 18:10

Maximum effect, eh?

Well I think I would be having that last conversation with him, tell him he has hurt you immeasurably and you don't think you will ever get over his hurtful words.
Then state that you wish to keep away from him as you are so obviously repulsive to him and you no longer wish to offend him anymore by your presence.

Grey rock, treat him as a stranger hence this moment on and then serve divorce papers. Done.

Oh and never attend his funeral in later years.
What a spineless cunt.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 01/05/2022 18:31

I know that eventually he will apologise and say he didn’t mean it and that he only said to hurt me.

Please dont get over it. You shouldnt. Disagreeing is one things. Everyone argues sometimes. But to make it personal is a step too far. And he did not just do that, he said vile and horrible things to you. Yes, he did it to hurt you - that is enough reason to head for the hills. I am so sorry, you do not deserve this.

Butterfly44 · 01/05/2022 18:33

Didn't mean it yet goes on to blame you for what he said. And admits he wanted to hurt you. No remorse there then. Disgusting behaviour. No coming back from that I'm afraid.

StaunchMomma · 01/05/2022 18:38

Calming down then saying he didn't mean what he said & only did it to hurt you is, well, worse!! Why would yu want to be in a relationship with a man who wants you to feel that way?!

You're in an abusive relationship, OP. The man has systematically broken down your self esteem to the point that he thinks he can do or say what he wants and you'll put up with it.

Time to show him he's well & truly failed his mission to belittle and control you.

I'd be packing while he's out & calling an emergency locksmith.

No man is better than a cruel man PLUS I very much doubt that his assessment of you is in any way accurate. He's a dick. Treat him the way he deserves.

Midlifemusings · 01/05/2022 18:44

Don't get into explaining yourself or a discussion about it. All that does is open the door for him to minimize you further. I would just move on. Get your ducks in a row and move on.

FavouritePi · 01/05/2022 18:46

You don't need to get over it and make up. You need to get over him. He's abusive.

If it were me, I couldn't risk him ever being that horrible to children when he wants to get one over in a disagreement with them.

What a nasty piece of work he is.

Notmyyearthisyear · 01/05/2022 18:58

Hexen · 01/05/2022 16:31

And if he said 'I didn't mean it, I only said it to get at you.' I'd reply 'Well, mission successful. It DID 'get to me', and now I'll NEVER be able to look at YOU the same way

i came here to say this.

im my book, sayings something you don’t believe just to hurt someone seems way worse that being unpleasant but truthful. The difference between ‘honest but fucking nasty’ and ‘fucking nasty AND a liar‘

This !

stripeyflowers · 01/05/2022 18:58

I would end the relationship for this OP. There is no getting over it. You do not deserve to have such a horrible, hateful, abusive man in your life. He will do it again, and again, and each time say he doesn't mean it, meanwhile you are dying inside. My father used to say similar things to my mother and I still haunts me decades later. I hope your children don't hear it because they will never forget it. Flowers

Nelliephant1 · 01/05/2022 19:06

I don't tend to be one of the LTB brigade but in this case, chin up, bags packed and get shot of him.

Don't try to explain, he doesn't deserve your time or effort, he won't "get it" because he's either incapable or just doesn't want to.

Your kids deserve better than to grow up heating and seeing their mum being abused by their father.

Don't tell him that you don't "think" you can get past this, tell him that you can't, don't want to and won't get past it because he's scum and you deserve better. Go get 'im!!

Hutchy16 · 01/05/2022 19:31

Leave the bastard - not even going to shorten it, if someone reports it then it’s tough…he needs leaving, he is a vile piece of work and nobody deserves that.

i would rather be alone than with him

Hutchy16 · 01/05/2022 19:35

My advice in these situations is always the same…what would you tell your son/daughter to do if their partner said these things to them?

you wouldn’t want them to stay and put up with it…you would tell them to get out now before it gets worse

D0lphine · 01/05/2022 19:45

No advice but just to say no one should ever be speaking to you like that.

Please try and take care of yourself and seek support from friends and family.

Unsure33 · 01/05/2022 19:48

How old are your children ? Could you go and stay somewhere else just for a while and see how You feel ? Otherwise he will just do it again , because he can.

me4real · 01/05/2022 20:01

I know that eventually he will apologise and say he didn’t mean it and that he only said to hurt me

Then at some point he'll act like it again @IcePoppy2 .

He's abusive, please finish with him.

Therealjudgejudy · 01/05/2022 20:32

No coming back from this. He's an abusive prick who has shown his true colour's.

You deserve so much more

Littlepaws18 · 01/05/2022 20:48

That isn't an apology and if he didn't mean it- he has one very nasty tongue where he had no quarms using against you. Either he meant it which in that case it's over or he meant to use those words as a weapon to hurt you at your most vulnerable.

This isn't I bet the first time he's used this weapon and I doubt it will be the last.

LTB

Branleuse · 01/05/2022 21:34

Thats not an apology. Hes pathetic.
You cant come back from that. It was a tirade. A calculated twisted attack on every single thing about you. An assasination. Who the fuck does he think he is? He thinks youre overreacting to his outburst of utter contempt for you? Thats the sort of thing that can affect your mental health - thats his aim.
Emotional abuse like that is illegal now too btw.
I think its got to be over. Hes deranged.

Bellieboo33 · 01/05/2022 23:02

You can go onward and upward from this OP! LTB!
im not saying it will be easy, but you can have a lovely happy, cosy little life with you and your DC to look forward to- full of happiness! without this awful, abusive bloke dragging you down.
once the dust settles and he’s gone, I bet you will feel utterly relieved! You are solid gold- dont let him make you believe otherwise.

good luck & stay strong x

boronia · 02/05/2022 02:57

He's revolting.
You don't deserve to be spoken to like that.
Tell him you don't love him anymore and it's time to separate.
I could never, ever come back from my husband talking to me like that, he would be in the bin.

Soulstirring · 02/05/2022 03:28

what is there that’s nice about him? Protect yourself and your children and ask him to leave. You deserve better, even if this is being alone.