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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So hurt

104 replies

IcePoppy2 · 01/05/2022 11:31

I have nobody to talk to about this. Me and dp have been arguing this morning, mainly about the kids/house work. Because he realised eventually he was in the wrong, he decided to get personal. He said I’m fat, ugly and scruffy. I should go and look in the mirror to see just how ugly I am. Even if I lose weight, it won’t matter because the damage is done and I’ll end up with loads of saggy skin. Nobody else will find me attractive and if they do they will be desperate. He feels sorry for the next person that would end up on top of me. He wouldn’t leave the house if he looked like me. He looked me up and down and laughed at me. He will have no trouble moving on because he gets lots of looks/flirting when he goes out apparently according to him. This is everything he said to me. How am I meant to get past this? I have never been so hurt. I never, ever said anything personal about him during this argument. I can’t imagine carrying on the relationship after what he’s said. I know that eventually he will apologise and say he didn’t mean it and that he only said to hurt me. But I genuinely can’t imagine ever moving on from his words. My self esteem was already non-existent before this which he knows. He’s gone out somewhere now in a strop. Actually hoping he doesn’t return

OP posts:
LadyJGrey · 01/05/2022 12:46

Definitely no coming back from that.
Nothing he says can take it back.
In your OP you said this “Actually hoping he doesn’t return”
So make it a reality. He doesn’t have to return, you can take control and end it and not let him back.

grapewines · 01/05/2022 12:47

He sounds awful and worse with every post. I hope you can get away from him. No one deserves to be humiliated like he did you.

LadyJGrey · 01/05/2022 12:49

I crossed post with your update.
Bollocks to his shitty excuses. He doesn’t even have the balls to own his vile comments and instead blames you for “pushing him into saying them.”
Oh come off it.

Poppinjay · 01/05/2022 12:57

Is he abusive in other ways too?

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 01/05/2022 12:59

He's blaming you for his own abusive actions which is just more abusive. Please end the relationship. Nobody deserves to be in this kind of relationship. Relationships are meant to be supportive so you can be the best version of yourself. Not this.

Furrydogmum · 01/05/2022 13:02

Do you live together, is the house in his, your, or both names? If you can I would lock the door and not let him back in - he will continue to try and make you believe he was just trying to win at all costs! He is not a good partner!

Thesheerrelief · 01/05/2022 13:02

Watchkeys · 01/05/2022 11:46

Would you be equally insulted if he'd told you that you were a member of an alien race who had invaded the earth to destroy it?

No. You'd think he was a lunatic.

The difference is that you know you're not an alien. You have faith in that. You believe what you think is true, about that.

However, when told you're ugly, you don't believe the part of yourself that says 'No I'm not'

Get away from anybody who gives you the feeling you have now. That's your responsibility in life, to yourself. Then work out what you think of you. Do you think you're too fat for your own preferences? Then lose some weight. Do you think you'd like to be more attractive? Work out what would make you more attractive, in your own eyes, and do that. You're in charge of what you think of you. Anybody else can say what they like about you. If they say things you don't like, they filter themselves out of your life, because you'll walk away.

You're in charge, don't delegate the responsibility for your feelings to someone who can't look after them.

This is one of the best posts I've ever read on here.

Thesheerrelief · 01/05/2022 13:04

Ah yes, like I said about my ex above, it's now your fault for getting upset about the things he didn't mean. Are they true? Clearly not. Are they designed to be hurtful so he could "win"? Absolutely. What does that tell you about him?

Foolsrule · 01/05/2022 13:05

Get rid! You are a beautiful person and he is a numpty.

Natty13 · 01/05/2022 13:12

Whether he "meant them" or not shouldn't matter. You (every woman) should have enough self respect not to be with someone who actively tries to hurt them in an argument.

He said them because he knew you were sensitive about it and it would hurt. He deliberately chose the thing that would cause the most emotional damage to you and said it. If you had loads of self esteem about your body/looks he would have said something else he knew you would be sensitive about. THAT is the problem here.

No matter how riled up I am I never get personal or nasty in an argument and I expect the same from anyone in my life - partner, friends, family. It's a total deal breaker.

Drame · 01/05/2022 13:24

Get some self worth and get rid of him. Just tell him that you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t love or respect you and would intentionally hurt you. Then move on to the practicalities of the break up. Change the power balance to you.

PriestessofPing · 01/05/2022 13:27

Even if he didn’t ‘mean it’ (is he 10???), he still thinks it’s ok to say things to deliberately hurt you. And expects you to forget about it afterwards. That’s abusive.

Cakeandcardio · 01/05/2022 13:52

I don't have any advice re your relationship but I truly hope you don't let these vile comments ruin your self esteem. What utter nastiness to say that to someone. I'm sure you have lots of brilliant qualities and beautiful features. Please don't lose sight of that.

Motnight · 01/05/2022 14:12

Cakeandcardio · 01/05/2022 13:52

I don't have any advice re your relationship but I truly hope you don't let these vile comments ruin your self esteem. What utter nastiness to say that to someone. I'm sure you have lots of brilliant qualities and beautiful features. Please don't lose sight of that.

What @Cakeandcardio said. Good luck, Op.

BettyNotVeronica · 01/05/2022 14:20

I've put on loads of weight since the start of my marriage. I used to be hot lol. I'm now a size 22 but my husband still checks me out. He loves me for me. You don't deserve to be treated like this. You deserve better.

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 01/05/2022 15:04

Tell him you're going to take your chances at disgusting another man or being single forever because you are not putting up with that shit. Yeah he didn't mean it but he did mean it to hurt. That's that's some seriously toxic fuckkery right there. Get out lady

gonnascreamsoon · 01/05/2022 16:19

Nope, I'd be telling him 'Thank you for making your feelings about me clear. I'll help you pack.''

And if he said 'I didn't mean it, I only said it to get at you.' I'd reply 'Well, mission successful. It DID 'get to me', and now I'll NEVER be able to look at YOU the same way. It's over.'

OrlandointheWilderness · 01/05/2022 16:29

Watchkeys · 01/05/2022 11:46

Would you be equally insulted if he'd told you that you were a member of an alien race who had invaded the earth to destroy it?

No. You'd think he was a lunatic.

The difference is that you know you're not an alien. You have faith in that. You believe what you think is true, about that.

However, when told you're ugly, you don't believe the part of yourself that says 'No I'm not'

Get away from anybody who gives you the feeling you have now. That's your responsibility in life, to yourself. Then work out what you think of you. Do you think you're too fat for your own preferences? Then lose some weight. Do you think you'd like to be more attractive? Work out what would make you more attractive, in your own eyes, and do that. You're in charge of what you think of you. Anybody else can say what they like about you. If they say things you don't like, they filter themselves out of your life, because you'll walk away.

You're in charge, don't delegate the responsibility for your feelings to someone who can't look after them.

There is no part of this I do not love. Perfectly put.

Hexen · 01/05/2022 16:31

And if he said 'I didn't mean it, I only said it to get at you.' I'd reply 'Well, mission successful. It DID 'get to me', and now I'll NEVER be able to look at YOU the same way

i came here to say this.

im my book, sayings something you don’t believe just to hurt someone seems way worse that being unpleasant but truthful. The difference between ‘honest but fucking nasty’ and ‘fucking nasty AND a liar‘

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 01/05/2022 16:34

OP,
There is no excuse for what your contemptuous partner said at all.

The good news is that as you aren't married to him it is a lot easier to get rid of him and start a new life without him.

Please see a solicitor after the Bank Holiday w/e and find out how to do this.

I'm sorry - no-one deserves to be treated like this.

Hallmark1234 · 01/05/2022 16:37

I'm so sorry you've had to put up with such awful insults from your 'D'H!

I would either tell him there's no coming back from this, it's over and you want to split up, OR don't say anything to him initially, but start making plans to separate, then have the satisfaction (after he thinks he's got away with insulting you), to tell him you no longer want to be with him, and to sling his hook!

DeskInUse · 01/05/2022 16:41

You don't HAVE to get over what he said

And even if he didn't mean it. He chose words to deliberately hurt and upset you. Sorry op but I couldn't come back from this.

Start making plans to leave this awful man?!

Moser85 · 01/05/2022 16:43

Absolutely no hope of getting past that in a relationship. You need to end it. What a bastard!

Everyoneishappier · 01/05/2022 17:00

What's your situation OP ? I note you said DP and not DH and have kids. .. are they his ?

Is house owned or rented ?
Are you in the lease/mortgage?
Do you work at all outside the home ?

Answers to the above Will help us advise you..

MrMrsJones · 01/05/2022 17:03

He said those things because he was made to back down and that was your punishment, so you need to shut up...

Then he tries the "I didn't mean it" bollocks

He is nasty, manipulative and will destroy your self esteem until you have nothing left and he will throw you scraps.