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Original poster

Partner adhd/ keeps finishing with me

80 replies

Omaze21 · 28/04/2022 14:17

Hi,
I don’t really know where to start with this. But here goes. Myself and partner are in our 30s and have been together for 4 years. We have a 2 year old and a 12 year old (from a previous relationship on my side)
When we started dating everything was great. By 9 months in and a big argument where he finished with me over me questioning money worries. He came clean and admitted to having a gambling problem.
Fast forward a couple months and I find out I’m pregnant. I hear all the things I want to. The pregnancy goes well, there’s no gambling and there’s massive improvements with money. Saving up thousands. (In this time we realise there may be a problem with adhd also)
However there is still arguments, over silly things. But his go to is to say he’s done with me.
Fast forward to now, we are still waiting on the official assessment for the adhd.
We are in counselling (through me pushing for it) as the arguments are still big and still once a month.
And to this day his go to is to say, ugh I’m done I can’t be bothered with you anymore etc.
Im just a loss I feel, i want to be strong but I hear he doesn’t want to be with me at least once a month still.
The hard part is when this is said I tell him to go (feeling strong) he’ll go… And either come back at night or he’ll get a hotel. Then the next thing is I hear… “ I didn’t mean it I just don’t want to argue’ etc etc. This has been a cycle for as long as I can remember now.
It’s easy for people to say well just end it but I find myself believing him each time he says he didn’t mean it. And the cycle starts again.
I feel like he says things in counselling then when we argue he says completely different. Almost like he’s not being fully truthful in the sessions.
has anyone had anything similar?!?!

OP posts:
WindowsSmindows · 28/04/2022 14:19

And you hope that it's his ADHD that makes him act like this?

Original poster
Omaze21 · 28/04/2022 14:23

WindowsSmindows · 28/04/2022 14:19

And you hope that it's his ADHD that makes him act like this?

In the sessions that we have had she has thought that it plays a big part in how our arguments go from 0-100 on his end.
Which I can understand but I find myself making excuses for him a lot.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2022 14:50

"It’s easy for people to say well just end it but I find myself believing him each time he says he didn’t mean it. And the cycle starts again".

And you will continue to go around and around with him until you yourself stop believing him. Stop making excuses for him as well; this relationship was over nine months in when he told you about his gambling problem. You need to get off this merry go around here and permanently. What are your children, particularly your eldest, learning about relationships here?. Do you want them to grow up thinking that yes, this is how people treat each other in a relationship?. This is no legacy to be showing them. What are you yourself getting out of this relationship with him?.

How much money has been gambled away here?. If he has a gambling problem the relationship is in any event a non starter. Is your counsellor aware of his gambling?.

Your counsellor is not qualified to assume that ADHD is a factor in these arguments going from 0-100 and actually may not at all be a factor in why he is as he is. He does this and is doing this because he can and if he can lie to you as easily as breathing he can easily manipulate a counsellor too.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

Watchkeys · 28/04/2022 15:04

It’s easy for people to say well just end it but I find myself believing him each time he says he didn’t mean it. And the cycle starts again

So you realise that this is your responsibility, then. You need to grow up; sometimes doing the right thing hurts, and you just have to decide not to cave in. Yes, it's easy to say, and hard to do, but what other advice do you expect? Nobody with any where-with-all is going to tell you to try to change him, or put up with the way he treats you.

Triffid1 · 28/04/2022 15:09

And every time it happens, I'm guessing that when the next argument happens, you're less likely to fight your corner or you decide not to raise an issue because you're scared if you do, he'll leave (or threaten to leave).... am I right?

Because this is all just a tactic to ensure that you don't challenge him. I couldn't give a flying monkey's whether he has ADHD or not. Th point is that this is destructive, manipulative behaviour and if he really loved you, he'd be working on finding ways to better manage his emotions so that he doesn't do it. V simple.

I wouldn't be letting him back myself.

chisanunian · 28/04/2022 15:09

I suspect that perhaps it might help you more if you stopped going to joint counselling sessions, and went on your own.

newbiename · 28/04/2022 15:12

Why do you keep believing him ? He's proved he won't change.
Don't let your kids grow up in this atmosphere.

Wombat98 · 28/04/2022 15:15

ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse.

Even if he gets all sorted with loads of support and medicated, he's unlikely to change much from how he is now.

It's up to you if you want to put up with it. Not stable for the kids tho.

biggreenhouse · 28/04/2022 15:19

Hi, people with adhd can choose to be a decent partner or not. .. he just sounds like a dick who isn't that into you.

crackingreward · 28/04/2022 15:22

I can't understand why you are with him, and it's not ADHD, it's toxic. I know so so many women with ADHD and not one of them uses it as an excuse to act like an utter cunt to their partner. On here there are regular thread about men with ADHD doing just that. It's not the diagnosis or lack of that's doing this.

Original poster
Omaze21 · 28/04/2022 15:23

I totally get what you’re saying. It’s a very daunting thing to end it. And I guess that’s where my problem lies. I think I’m perhaps not in a very strong place atm.
I care too much, and I do give too many chances.
The gambling… it started with him gambling his wage away the first Xmas.
Then it happened again about 6 months after my 2nd child was born. A few hundred. It hasn’t happened again since.

OP posts:
Original poster
Omaze21 · 28/04/2022 15:27

Triffid1 · 28/04/2022 15:09

And every time it happens, I'm guessing that when the next argument happens, you're less likely to fight your corner or you decide not to raise an issue because you're scared if you do, he'll leave (or threaten to leave).... am I right?

Because this is all just a tactic to ensure that you don't challenge him. I couldn't give a flying monkey's whether he has ADHD or not. Th point is that this is destructive, manipulative behaviour and if he really loved you, he'd be working on finding ways to better manage his emotions so that he doesn't do it. V simple.

I wouldn't be letting him back myself.

Yes, very right. It’s had gotten to the point I rarely argue back. stay silent when he goes off on one. Until yesterday, I did argue back after he had said he didn’t want to be with me etc.
and at this moment he chose to call his sister, once I’d told him to leave!
He quite often tells her, he says so it’s more final. When people know.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2022 15:28

But it does not make it ok that it has not happened since (well to your direct knowledge). The fact is that he took money away from you people as his supposed family here to gamble away. Your relationship is over anyway also because of his gambling addiction.

It won't be easy to end this relationship (he won't make it easy for you) but it will be a damn sight harder for you (and in turn your children who see your reactions to all this both spoken and unspoken) to at all remain with it.

crackingreward · 28/04/2022 15:29

Do you want to spend the rest of your life having huge arguments every month? What would make you choose that? What about your children? What should they live in that toxic and absolutely unsettling environment?

Original poster
Omaze21 · 28/04/2022 15:29

Watchkeys · 28/04/2022 15:04

It’s easy for people to say well just end it but I find myself believing him each time he says he didn’t mean it. And the cycle starts again

So you realise that this is your responsibility, then. You need to grow up; sometimes doing the right thing hurts, and you just have to decide not to cave in. Yes, it's easy to say, and hard to do, but what other advice do you expect? Nobody with any where-with-all is going to tell you to try to change him, or put up with the way he treats you.

I think the hard part is when I have told him to go, he’ll then start saying he’s nowhere to go long term and can’t find a place to stay until he has been paid etc.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2022 15:31

You are likely to be in a codependent relationship with this man as well. You care too much and you've given this man way too many chances already; how much more are you going to cop off him before you decide that finally for you enough is enough?. Better to be on your own with your children here than to be so badly accompanied; he is indeed dragging you and your kids down with him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2022 15:32

Where he goes in the longer term is not your problem; he says that to tug at your heartstrings. Why are you feeling that responsible for him?. He really does have no respect for you or for that matter his child whatsoever; all he cares about is his own self.

Dontknownow86 · 28/04/2022 15:33

I have adhd and I would never treat a partner like this. He may be more impulsive but his impluse is to be a twat. Don't know what that tells you.

Discovereads · 28/04/2022 15:34

“We are in counselling (through me pushing for it) as the arguments are still big and still once a month. And to this day his go to is to say, ugh I’m done I can’t be bothered with you anymore etc. Im just a loss I feel, i want to be strong but I hear he doesn’t want to be with me at least once a month still. The hard part is when this is said I tell him to go (feeling strong) he’ll go… And either come back at night or he’ll get a hotel. Then the next thing is I hear… “ I didn’t mean it I just don’t want to argue’ etc etc. This has been a cycle for as long as I can remember now.”

ADHD doesn’t cause him to say “ugh I’m done I can’t be bothered with you”
But he is telling you what he means when he says this in the middle of a big argument. He doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with you, he means he is done arguing with you. It’s right there above in your OP.

So at 4yrs, you’re still in early years of the relationship and so there are bound to be rough spots you both need to work on…this is one he needs to work on.
First accept that he is done arguing is what he meant when he said it not that he is done with the relationship (unless you think he is lying?).

Secondly, he needs to learn saying that is not fighting fairly because it’s a very hurtful thing to say to you. So he needs to accept he can’t say that in future arguments.

Thirdly, you two need to agree that when an argument gets too heated and he starts to get the “ugh I’m done can’t argue anymore” feeling, you need to allow him to walk away from the argument until you’re both calmer and can discuss the issue later. The same for you if you find yourself getting to a point where you’re so angry you just can’t continue the argument without you saying something hurtful to him. Many couples have a safe word that they can say in an argument to break the tension and signal that they need a time out to go off and calm down, have a think, and then continue the argument/discussion.

DH and I early in our relationship (been together almost thirty years now) did not fight fair and for example in one row he threw his ring to the floor at my feet and said he wanted a divorce. We worked out the above along with other rules to “fight fair” as in how to have an argument without getting too angry until you reach an agreement. We have rules about what not to say, keeping anger in control, and things like no name calling, no dragging up past issues.

So basically you two need to have an agreement on how to fight fair in a way that respects each other’s feelings. Because it is perfectly valid for you to be hurt by him saying that and to ask him to train himself to not say it anymore in an argument.

fuckwhatshouldido · 28/04/2022 15:38

I opened this thinking it was going to be a completely different post. My DP has ADHD and he is absolutely nothing like this. The ADHD does cause some issues (which is the sort of thing I was expecting to read here) but he is an amazing partner and has never done anything remotely like you describe OP.

The thing is, even if everything your DP does IS because of his ADHD, that still doesn’t make it ok. And if he can’t or won’t recognise a problem and work out strategies to cope or mitigate, then the onus is entirely on you to decide where your boundaries are and what you’re willing to tolerate. If you know that something isn’t right and you shouldn’t have to be putting up with it, that remains the case even with all the explanations and excuses in the world.

Original poster
Omaze21 · 28/04/2022 15:42

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2022 15:32

Where he goes in the longer term is not your problem; he says that to tug at your heartstrings. Why are you feeling that responsible for him?. He really does have no respect for you or for that matter his child whatsoever; all he cares about is his own self.

I know you are right.
I just need to be stronger

OP posts:
Original poster
Omaze21 · 28/04/2022 15:45

fuckwhatshouldido · 28/04/2022 15:38

I opened this thinking it was going to be a completely different post. My DP has ADHD and he is absolutely nothing like this. The ADHD does cause some issues (which is the sort of thing I was expecting to read here) but he is an amazing partner and has never done anything remotely like you describe OP.

The thing is, even if everything your DP does IS because of his ADHD, that still doesn’t make it ok. And if he can’t or won’t recognise a problem and work out strategies to cope or mitigate, then the onus is entirely on you to decide where your boundaries are and what you’re willing to tolerate. If you know that something isn’t right and you shouldn’t have to be putting up with it, that remains the case even with all the explanations and excuses in the world.

Thank you for posting. I think this is why I originally titled it what I did.
I think I’m at a point where I’m excusing all of this. And I’m thinking (with the counselling almost making it seem so too) that the adhd is mostly to blame.
I think I know what I need to do, it’s hearing all these replies making it more real for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Omaze21 · 28/04/2022 15:47

Watchkeys · 28/04/2022 15:04

It’s easy for people to say well just end it but I find myself believing him each time he says he didn’t mean it. And the cycle starts again

So you realise that this is your responsibility, then. You need to grow up; sometimes doing the right thing hurts, and you just have to decide not to cave in. Yes, it's easy to say, and hard to do, but what other advice do you expect? Nobody with any where-with-all is going to tell you to try to change him, or put up with the way he treats you.

I completely understand your viewpoint. A little harsh. But I do see what you’re saying.
I am obviously struggling with being strong enough. Something I need to work on clearly

OP posts:
backtobusy · 28/04/2022 15:47

By DH also has ADHD and doesn't behave anything like this, ADHD is being used as an excuse here.
This isn't a good environment for your dc even if you are prepared to accept it.

Original poster
Omaze21 · 28/04/2022 15:52

backtobusy · 28/04/2022 15:47

By DH also has ADHD and doesn't behave anything like this, ADHD is being used as an excuse here.
This isn't a good environment for your dc even if you are prepared to accept it.

Thank you for your reply. I think I’m just not wanting a failed relationship I’m using any excuse. But the time has come.
It doesn’t help the counsellor has said our arguments are so text book to those couples where one has adhd. It has probably kept me thinking it’s the adhd for longer than it should.
Its good to hear your OH isn’t like this at all with having it too

OP posts: