Partner adhd/ keeps finishing with me

[Omaze21]

Hi,
I don’t really know where to start with this. But here goes. Myself and partner are in our 30s and have been together for 4 years. We have a 2 year old and a 12 year old (from a previous relationship on my side)
When we started dating everything was great. By 9 months in and a big argument where he finished with me over me questioning money worries. He came clean and admitted to having a gambling problem.
Fast forward a couple months and I find out I’m pregnant. I hear all the things I want to. The pregnancy goes well, there’s no gambling and there’s massive improvements with money. Saving up thousands. (In this time we realise there may be a problem with adhd also)
However there is still arguments, over silly things. But his go to is to say he’s done with me.
Fast forward to now, we are still waiting on the official assessment for the adhd.
We are in counselling (through me pushing for it) as the arguments are still big and still once a month.
And to this day his go to is to say, ugh I’m done I can’t be bothered with you anymore etc.
Im just a loss I feel, i want to be strong but I hear he doesn’t want to be with me at least once a month still.
The hard part is when this is said I tell him to go (feeling strong) he’ll go… And either come back at night or he’ll get a hotel. Then the next thing is I hear… “ I didn’t mean it I just don’t want to argue’ etc etc. This has been a cycle for as long as I can remember now.
It’s easy for people to say well just end it but I find myself believing him each time he says he didn’t mean it. And the cycle starts again.
I feel like he says things in counselling then when we argue he says completely different. Almost like he’s not being fully truthful in the sessions.
has anyone had anything similar?!?!

Thank you ❤️
He has been on the waiting list for almost 3 years now.
looking back I do feel it wasn’t right for her to say things as I then looked into it an was using it to excuse me.

Thank you for the insight! ❤️

I know deep down he doesn’t mean it. But I just can’t take it this time. As hard as it’ll be perhaps it’ll be the wake up call he needs.

I still don’t think he truly believes this is the end. But there can’t be a healthy way to get around this if he believes I’m the problem and he has no issues. 😞

He's being manipulative if you ask me.

It is 100% soul destroying my self esteem is probably at its lowest. Maybe why I’m finding it hard to be cut throat.
I was never like this before. I’ve always been able to stand up for myself and leave if it’s not right. I think having my youngest with him is just keeping me going in a circle! Although I know it’s not what’s best for my children Ofcourse.

www.gottman.com/blog/4-conflict-styles-that-hurt-your-relati<a class="break-all" href="https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-conflict-styles-that-hurt-your-relationship/" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Check out this website for some ways to handle arguments with your DP

I'm sorry I don't know how to attach links, but you can check this website out on how to have healthy disagreements
www.gottman.com/blog/4-conflict-styles-that-hurt-your-relationship/

@Omaze21
I hope that worked...if not, search for The Gottman 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse method for relationships

Funnily enough we have looked into this. This is one of the things the counsellor sent over.

he asked to come back while he sorts himself out with a place to stay.

Your answer to this HAS to be NO. NO WAY! He will never sort himself out if he isn't forced. If you let him back in he will smarmy his way back I to your affection and the situation will be the same again within a month

Are you sure he's not out gambling when he's away from home for the night?

Not that I’m aware of.
his moneys in the joint account that I don’t really use.

@Omaze21
That's great! I've known other couples who've done the method...they were given an oximeter to wear during disagreements so they could tell by their heart rate when they were becoming agitated during the discussions so they'd know when reaccess and to dial it back.

Oh wow! Not something I’ve heard of doing!! Interesting

Really!? Exactly the same? How did you cope?

I let him go last time and I won’t ever have him back.

His reaction to any argument was to leave, not speak to me for days and then come back.

Over the last year I’d say he has left twice a month on average. Every minor disagreement would result in him blowing up and leaving.

Its no life x

My ex used to do this - whenever we had an argument, he'd say he wasn't happy and wanted to leave or split up or that he was done with me. Guess what, he never did - I did, in the end.

Ironically, I have ADHD - and although I believe I did say on occasions things like "You're clearly not happy, we need to think about next steps" or "I'm not tolerating this anymore" or "There is a door if you want to leave" I don't recall ever saying every month, or even every argument, I was leaving. It's a form of manipulation to keep you guessing and uncertain, and it's fucking horrible.

It really isn’t. We’re in turmoil every month. And it’s having such a bad impact on our mental health.
if we could just argue and it not get to that point, maybe we’d have something worth saving. But I can’t keep going on with someone doing this. And who believes I’m to blame for it all. There’s just no where to go from here

Did you ever feel like your adhd caused you to blow up?

Does it really matter if he has ADHD or not though? He treats you so badly, makes your home life unstable, that doesn’t change just because he has a diagnosis. Would you stay with him if you hadn’t had dc? A failed relationship is where one or both is miserable and stays. Your dc have no choice in this but you do, atm you are showing your poor daughter what crap you put up with - and for what?

You're in turmoil every month; not him. He likes yanking your chain and enjoys the power and control he has over you by leaving and then returning. He's not going to let go of you that easily!. Abuse is about having power and control over the other person, in this case you.

Re your comment:--

"I will say aswell my auntie is the one who suggested he may have adhd as she is a mental health charge nurse".

Your aunt is not at all qualified to make such a pronouncement re him; have you considered she may well be wrong here. Such people oversee patient admissions and discharges. From what you write of him he is abusive towards you.

"he has said numerous times he might not even have it, and again I’m the issue".
Abusers often blame everyone else but their own self for their problems and he is not above projecting his own self onto you either.

"he’s said he’d never get angry if it weren’t for me etc".
See my above comment. You are also not responsible for his actions and choices.

Hi OP.

I have ADHD, we suspect my DP does too.

In terms of relationship it usually manifests as fixating on / being hurt by minor or niggly issues, although even this isn’t all the time just now and again.
We make a point to always talk through any issues before it turns into a huge deal and neither of us would ever say we are done / threaten to leave or anything along those lines.

Like PP, I don’t think ADHD is the actual problem.

A surprising amount of people try and pull this to excuse themselves of wrong doing.

IMO you can have ADHD or any other mental health struggles and be a good person that tries to consider others. Or you could have it and be an arsehole.

How one treats people is what matters.

Then the next thing is I hear… “ I didn’t mean it

Someone would say something to me that they didn't mean only once. Then they'd be gone.

I've reflected on all my ridiculous behaviour in all my previous relationships. I tolerated so much crap I feel like a landfill site. Never, ever again.

"I didn't mean it" is behaviour that belongs in the primary school playground and nowhere else.

Hi,
I had posted before about my ex while I was still with him. Back story there were a tonne of lies, gas lighting, manipulation, gambling, finished with me every argument small or big etc etc.
I feel like I just need a little rant.

We have been split up for a while now but things are still really bad, so up and down. I try to be as amicable as possible but I think he thinks that’s grounds for me taking him back.
And when he realises that’s not happening all hell brakes loose with sending me abusive txts etc. We have a toddler, that we are trying to co parent.
But since we have split the lies continue.
As in Ive found out multiple times he’s not in his work when he’s told me to my face that morning he away there. Now I’m not overly fussed if he is or not it just the lying that’s still hurting me.

We have a childminder who is absolutely terrible, always cancelling on me, causing me high levels of stress and missing my work.
Today she cancelled for the 2nd time this week, dd only goes twice a week.
My ex (while dropping my dd off said he get away early from work to help, I was crying just with stress)
fast forward a couple hours I find out he’s not actually in work, he actually went back to his bed!!
now again it’s not that he’s off, he’s allowed to do that. It’s just the lying I’m really really struggling with.
And when I catch him in the lie (first says he is indeed in work, then it’s he’s wfm) he then gas lights me, says horrible things to me, says I’m the one with worrying behaviour etc)
I feel like I should go down the proper route so I don’t have to come across such lies.
but 1. I feel guilty for my child doing it this way and 2. don’t even know where to start.
Any advice?

@Omaze21
I'm sorry he is still lying to you.
I don't have any advice..I just wanted to let you know that someone is thinking of you

Firstly, find a new childminder so you don’t have to rely on an abusive liar to help you.
Secondly, accept that he is useless and get yourself set up so you don’t need him then keep contact to a minimum.
Speaking from experience here - unless you untangle yourself from him, he is able to keep the power over you and the abuse cycle continues.