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Original poster

Partner adhd/ keeps finishing with me

80 replies

Omaze21 · 28/04/2022 14:17

Hi,
I don’t really know where to start with this. But here goes. Myself and partner are in our 30s and have been together for 4 years. We have a 2 year old and a 12 year old (from a previous relationship on my side)
When we started dating everything was great. By 9 months in and a big argument where he finished with me over me questioning money worries. He came clean and admitted to having a gambling problem.
Fast forward a couple months and I find out I’m pregnant. I hear all the things I want to. The pregnancy goes well, there’s no gambling and there’s massive improvements with money. Saving up thousands. (In this time we realise there may be a problem with adhd also)
However there is still arguments, over silly things. But his go to is to say he’s done with me.
Fast forward to now, we are still waiting on the official assessment for the adhd.
We are in counselling (through me pushing for it) as the arguments are still big and still once a month.
And to this day his go to is to say, ugh I’m done I can’t be bothered with you anymore etc.
Im just a loss I feel, i want to be strong but I hear he doesn’t want to be with me at least once a month still.
The hard part is when this is said I tell him to go (feeling strong) he’ll go… And either come back at night or he’ll get a hotel. Then the next thing is I hear… “ I didn’t mean it I just don’t want to argue’ etc etc. This has been a cycle for as long as I can remember now.
It’s easy for people to say well just end it but I find myself believing him each time he says he didn’t mean it. And the cycle starts again.
I feel like he says things in counselling then when we argue he says completely different. Almost like he’s not being fully truthful in the sessions.
has anyone had anything similar?!?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Omaze21 · 28/04/2022 15:57

Discovereads · 28/04/2022 15:34

“We are in counselling (through me pushing for it) as the arguments are still big and still once a month. And to this day his go to is to say, ugh I’m done I can’t be bothered with you anymore etc. Im just a loss I feel, i want to be strong but I hear he doesn’t want to be with me at least once a month still. The hard part is when this is said I tell him to go (feeling strong) he’ll go… And either come back at night or he’ll get a hotel. Then the next thing is I hear… “ I didn’t mean it I just don’t want to argue’ etc etc. This has been a cycle for as long as I can remember now.”

ADHD doesn’t cause him to say “ugh I’m done I can’t be bothered with you”
But he is telling you what he means when he says this in the middle of a big argument. He doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with you, he means he is done arguing with you. It’s right there above in your OP.

So at 4yrs, you’re still in early years of the relationship and so there are bound to be rough spots you both need to work on…this is one he needs to work on.
First accept that he is done arguing is what he meant when he said it not that he is done with the relationship (unless you think he is lying?).

Secondly, he needs to learn saying that is not fighting fairly because it’s a very hurtful thing to say to you. So he needs to accept he can’t say that in future arguments.

Thirdly, you two need to agree that when an argument gets too heated and he starts to get the “ugh I’m done can’t argue anymore” feeling, you need to allow him to walk away from the argument until you’re both calmer and can discuss the issue later. The same for you if you find yourself getting to a point where you’re so angry you just can’t continue the argument without you saying something hurtful to him. Many couples have a safe word that they can say in an argument to break the tension and signal that they need a time out to go off and calm down, have a think, and then continue the argument/discussion.

DH and I early in our relationship (been together almost thirty years now) did not fight fair and for example in one row he threw his ring to the floor at my feet and said he wanted a divorce. We worked out the above along with other rules to “fight fair” as in how to have an argument without getting too angry until you reach an agreement. We have rules about what not to say, keeping anger in control, and things like no name calling, no dragging up past issues.

So basically you two need to have an agreement on how to fight fair in a way that respects each other’s feelings. Because it is perfectly valid for you to be hurt by him saying that and to ask him to train himself to not say it anymore in an argument.

Thanks for your reply. Over the last 6 months through the counselling there has been a little headway in the way of some things not escalating to the point like yesterday. But clearly not enough to stop this happening.
I very emotionally aware, and I feel like I do a lot of the emotional work needed for this to get better, but I just don’t feel he is

OP posts:
PrincessPaws · 28/04/2022 15:59

I think the hard part is when I have told him to go, he’ll then start saying he’s nowhere to go long term and can’t find a place to stay until he has been paid etc.

And you respond with??? If he's done with you why is it your problem, he's done with you so he'll just have to sort something out.

If my partner kept telling me they were done with me I would be telling them that next time would be the last time, and there would be no coming back from it because I'd be done with him too. It must be soul destroying, not to mention frustrating as hell with that being his go to answer to any discussion

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2022 16:02

"It doesn’t help the counsellor has said our arguments are so text book to those couples where one has adhd".

I do not think this counsellor is at all qualified to make such a statement.

Your man is doing this to you because he can and you allow it. You're basically carrying him. Read about codependency and enabling in relationships and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour.

Rodion · 28/04/2022 16:07

Don't focus on the failed/not failed relationship idea, that's a red herring - a miserable abusive relationship isn't a success by virtue of you being still together. Focus on what is the healthiest environment for you and your children to live in as that's the only bit you have any power over. You can't decide for him how much help to get or how much responsibility to take for himself (although it is important to be clear how you feel and how his behaviour impacts you). He has agency here. Yes his adhd makes it slightly more complicated, but as adults we are able (required even) to recognise our difficulties and make sure they don't cause harm to others.

Has he actually taken any steps to fix this because the ringing his sister etc sounds more like intentionally messing with your head rather than struggles with impulsiveness.

TheEnemy123 · 28/04/2022 16:17

Wow. People are so quick to write the guy off. He's going to counselling, he's getting the ADHD diagnosis done, he's clearly willing to work on himself and understands there's a problem. Very different from someone in denial and refusing to acknowledge there's anything wrong.

I suffer from ADHD. Arguing can be massively overwhelming. I became short and started going to the "fuck this let's just end it" thing with an ex of mine when I couldn't cope. It was never something I really meant, and I always regretted saying it, but it was an emotional response. It felt akin to an animal backed into a corner and lashing out to try and make it stop.

Back then I wasn't open to counselling. I believed I could do everything myself. I couldn't. I just hadn't reached the point of accepting that yet. I regret a big chunk of my behaviour and would do anything to turn the clock back, but we can't. Give this bloke some credit please for at least trying to tackle his issues and make life better for everyone involved. It might not work, but it's a positive step and needs to be given a chance to work. He's neurodivergent, his brain literally works differently to most peoples'. That doesn't make him an arsehole.

Watchkeys · 28/04/2022 16:28

@TheEnemy123

Credit for him for trying to sort himself out, yes. But no credit for taking care of OP's feelings, or being responsible enough with their relationship to tell he he needs some time away because he can see he's hurting her, and he knows he doesn't have himself under control.

He's threatening her with the end of their relationship, and she's pregnant. That's not ok. What you're saying is that he should be given credit to the extent that he is allowed to continue mistreating OP.

SophieSoSo · 28/04/2022 16:35

My ex has ADHD (diagnosed) and was exactly like this.

I don’t think it was his ADHD though, he’s just a massive abusive cunt.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/04/2022 16:39

"Give this bloke some credit please for at least trying to tackle his issues and make life better for everyone involved"

But is he?. It could be argued otherwise, OP herself has been pushing the counselling and she's been doing the donkey work here. You also do not mention his gambling. She's in a cycle with this man and there are two children seeing all this at first hand too.

curlytoday · 28/04/2022 16:50

TheEnemy123 · 28/04/2022 16:17

Wow. People are so quick to write the guy off. He's going to counselling, he's getting the ADHD diagnosis done, he's clearly willing to work on himself and understands there's a problem. Very different from someone in denial and refusing to acknowledge there's anything wrong.

I suffer from ADHD. Arguing can be massively overwhelming. I became short and started going to the "fuck this let's just end it" thing with an ex of mine when I couldn't cope. It was never something I really meant, and I always regretted saying it, but it was an emotional response. It felt akin to an animal backed into a corner and lashing out to try and make it stop.

Back then I wasn't open to counselling. I believed I could do everything myself. I couldn't. I just hadn't reached the point of accepting that yet. I regret a big chunk of my behaviour and would do anything to turn the clock back, but we can't. Give this bloke some credit please for at least trying to tackle his issues and make life better for everyone involved. It might not work, but it's a positive step and needs to be given a chance to work. He's neurodivergent, his brain literally works differently to most peoples'. That doesn't make him an arsehole.

This 1000 times
Strange how the ones who actually know what they're talking about are the ones who actually suffer with it and then the ignorance and outdated cliché sayings come from the ones who don't suffer from it but think they know best.

crackingreward · 28/04/2022 17:02

TheEnemy123 · 28/04/2022 16:17

Wow. People are so quick to write the guy off. He's going to counselling, he's getting the ADHD diagnosis done, he's clearly willing to work on himself and understands there's a problem. Very different from someone in denial and refusing to acknowledge there's anything wrong.

I suffer from ADHD. Arguing can be massively overwhelming. I became short and started going to the "fuck this let's just end it" thing with an ex of mine when I couldn't cope. It was never something I really meant, and I always regretted saying it, but it was an emotional response. It felt akin to an animal backed into a corner and lashing out to try and make it stop.

Back then I wasn't open to counselling. I believed I could do everything myself. I couldn't. I just hadn't reached the point of accepting that yet. I regret a big chunk of my behaviour and would do anything to turn the clock back, but we can't. Give this bloke some credit please for at least trying to tackle his issues and make life better for everyone involved. It might not work, but it's a positive step and needs to be given a chance to work. He's neurodivergent, his brain literally works differently to most peoples'. That doesn't make him an arsehole.

I'm not writing him off, I'm saying at the moment his is behaving in a toxic manner in which OP and her children should not be living. Fuck that. Working on himself and getting help for his ADHD are admirable, but OP doesn't need to be party to that. Her children deserve a settled environment in which to live, OP should ensure they get it. If this man really cares about them he would end it himself.

backtobusy · 28/04/2022 17:17

This chap has been a cycle of storming off and saying he leaving and staying in hotel for as long as OP can remember.
This isn't a stable environment to bring up dc, regardless of the reasons behind the behavior.

It hasn't been by experience that this is behavior that people in a relationship with someone who has ADHD have to expect.

iCouldSleepForAYear · 28/04/2022 17:27

ADHD can make emotional control more difficult for someone who has it. But there's a difference between feeling a certain way (we all have feelings, sometimes even big ones) and intending to hurt someone because of those feelings.

If he carries on saying something that you've already expressed is incredibly hurtful to you, then he doesn't care about hurting you. Because you can have big feelings and yet still make the effort to unlearn how their expression was modelled to you as a child, and re-learn a new way of expressing them.

Your therapist should be guiding exactly that with your husband. If she's not, you need to stop paying her and either hire a better therapist or a lawyer.

Speaking as the adhd half in my own relationship.

Original poster
Omaze21 · 28/04/2022 17:49

So a little update,

he asked to come back while he sorts himself out with a place to stay.
he said he didn’t want it to come to this but he cannot cope any longer with my attitude.
( yes I can be grumpy etc but I wouldn’t say it’s anything out the ordinary)
he emailed the counsellor saying we won’t be continuing.
he doesn’t think it worked at all as the real issue is me he feels.
(not once was this said in counselling)
I will say aswell my auntie is the one who suggested he may have adhd as she is a mental health charge nurse.
he has said numerous times he might not even have it, and again I’m the issue.

he’s said he’d never get angry if it weren’t for me etc.

im going to stick to my guns this time. I don’t want this, I want a safe happy environment. And it will never work if he thinks he has absolutely no issues.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 28/04/2022 17:53

Don't hang around with people who make you feel like you're a problem, OP. Sorry to hear your update, but glad to hear you've decided to hold fast this time.

Original poster
Omaze21 · 28/04/2022 18:04

Watchkeys · 28/04/2022 17:53

Don't hang around with people who make you feel like you're a problem, OP. Sorry to hear your update, but glad to hear you've decided to hold fast this time.

Thank you! It’s always the pain of splitting that’s made me not want to. But I have to.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 28/04/2022 18:09

He's a controlling manipulative piece of work isn't he?. He's got you going quiet so you don't annoy him. He's telling others so they fell sorry for him and blame you. He's got you feeling sorry for him because he has no money to move out, its not the right time for him. It a cycle of abuse because he is controlling you to be meek and mild and not question him. Hes basically training you.

Go to therapy by yourself. Start to see him how he really is. He doesn't love you, he loves how he can contol you. I am so sorry, I know how much it can hurt to hear that Flowers

TracyMosby · 28/04/2022 18:12

What a terrible example for your children. A failed relationship is better than one that teaches your daughter to have absolutely jo boundaries and expectations in a relationship.

Pixiedust1234 · 28/04/2022 18:19

oh, so he isn't even officially diagnosed?? That counsellor of yours doesn't sound very good as his behaviour is coming across as textbook classic abuse. Google it. Countless websites will have it listed, whether its womens aid, citizens advice, age concern etc.

Find another therapist just for you. Stand firm - you are worth more than this Flowers

Billybagpuss · 28/04/2022 18:24

So everything is your fault and he shoulders none of the blame? Okey dokey then.

keep a calm dignified outlook, and start getting all your paperwork together. Good luck and stay strong 💐

godmum56 · 28/04/2022 18:26

Ultimate madness; doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different outcome.

fossilsmorefossils · 28/04/2022 18:30

Don't let him come back, even temporarily. He'll just mess with your head again. Give him your emailadress and tell him to only contact you about the separation and kids on that email adress. Only email back about kids and separation. Don't message back about any feelings, doubts, sorrys and whathaveyous.

TracyMosby · 28/04/2022 18:34

Missed the update. Well done op.

Original poster
Omaze21 · 28/04/2022 18:37

I’m going from one emotion to the other right now.
I’m just trying to tell myself this will be worth it once the hard part is over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Omaze21 · 28/04/2022 18:39

Billybagpuss · 28/04/2022 18:24

So everything is your fault and he shoulders none of the blame? Okey dokey then.

keep a calm dignified outlook, and start getting all your paperwork together. Good luck and stay strong 💐

Basically yes! If I ‘weren’t the way I am’ he wouldn’t get so mad. Etc.
I expect too much!
Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
Sweetpea1532 · 28/04/2022 18:43

Discovereads · 28/04/2022 15:34

“We are in counselling (through me pushing for it) as the arguments are still big and still once a month. And to this day his go to is to say, ugh I’m done I can’t be bothered with you anymore etc. Im just a loss I feel, i want to be strong but I hear he doesn’t want to be with me at least once a month still. The hard part is when this is said I tell him to go (feeling strong) he’ll go… And either come back at night or he’ll get a hotel. Then the next thing is I hear… “ I didn’t mean it I just don’t want to argue’ etc etc. This has been a cycle for as long as I can remember now.”

ADHD doesn’t cause him to say “ugh I’m done I can’t be bothered with you”
But he is telling you what he means when he says this in the middle of a big argument. He doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to be with you, he means he is done arguing with you. It’s right there above in your OP.

So at 4yrs, you’re still in early years of the relationship and so there are bound to be rough spots you both need to work on…this is one he needs to work on.
First accept that he is done arguing is what he meant when he said it not that he is done with the relationship (unless you think he is lying?).

Secondly, he needs to learn saying that is not fighting fairly because it’s a very hurtful thing to say to you. So he needs to accept he can’t say that in future arguments.

Thirdly, you two need to agree that when an argument gets too heated and he starts to get the “ugh I’m done can’t argue anymore” feeling, you need to allow him to walk away from the argument until you’re both calmer and can discuss the issue later. The same for you if you find yourself getting to a point where you’re so angry you just can’t continue the argument without you saying something hurtful to him. Many couples have a safe word that they can say in an argument to break the tension and signal that they need a time out to go off and calm down, have a think, and then continue the argument/discussion.

DH and I early in our relationship (been together almost thirty years now) did not fight fair and for example in one row he threw his ring to the floor at my feet and said he wanted a divorce. We worked out the above along with other rules to “fight fair” as in how to have an argument without getting too angry until you reach an agreement. We have rules about what not to say, keeping anger in control, and things like no name calling, no dragging up past issues.

So basically you two need to have an agreement on how to fight fair in a way that respects each other’s feelings. Because it is perfectly valid for you to be hurt by him saying that and to ask him to train himself to not say it anymore in an argument.

@Omaze21
This is exactly what happened in my best friend's relationship...
She stuck around for 20 years with her husband saying he wanted a divorce every time they had an argument.....finally, one day, whilst she was on an extended trip away, he emailed her saying he wanted a divorce and that he was selling their home. That was it for her! She answered back that she was fine with a divorce and saw a solicitor to draw up papers ( no DC involved, separate finances, etc) He was totally shocked!
He told her he didn't think she'd say 'yes' to a divorce and really didn't want one! ( the nerve!)
Anyway, they didn't actually divorce, but are permanently separated....
She loves him dearly but doesn't have to put up with his verbal abuse anymore. They are both older, late 70s, and he is very set in his ways. Like Discovereads said,* *he never learned how to fight fairly. But, if you and DP can learn how have a fair argument without hurtful words I think you'll be able to save your relationship. Even if you both decide to separate, learning to have a healthy disagreement will help in the future.
My friend's husband has been diagnosed as having bipolar, not ADHD, btw.