To be sick of 'best friend'

[asadfriend]

I have posted about her in the past, but under a different username to stay anonymous. But again, I'm in limbo of if to really cut ties with this friend or not, as she just makes me feel anxious and bad.

We are both in our 30s and single. Friends for 10 years. This problem seemed to start about 2016 but previous to that, I felt we had a good friendship. Equal amount of messaging and saw each regularly. Although we don't meet up as much as we did, when we do, its like no time has passed at all and we have a great time.

I care about her and worry about her a lot. She is quite 'wild' compared to me, in that she will book trips last minute to random places on her own to meet new people, still goes 'out' all the time, is always on social media, always mentions people in conversation who i've never heard her speak about before and I have to question 'who' and she will explain how they met in the most random circumstances but have become friends.

I am the opposite, I wish I had more friends and family, even a partner. but other wise, i'm fairly happy. She is extroverted, but I am introverted, and I'm happy to come home and chill out after a long days work, where as it seems friend has to always be out doing things and gets down if shes not.

Now the problem is actually not the contrast in our personalities which has always been, but the way I feel she treats me nowadays.

For example, she recently went on another of these 'trips' abroad without telling me, I had to find out from facebook. I then text her and felt a bit upset when she responded saying she was sorry she forgot to tell me! I left her to it and didn't respond.

Mid week she text me to tell me how the trip was going, I was happy to hear from her. I responded the same day asking lots of questions. Anyway that was days ago, she never replied to my text. Yet she is updating facebook constantly and posting pictures etc and i'm feeling bothered.

Because i'm single, friendships are important to me. I need them to feel 'validated' I guess. And I understand not everyone can be there for a friend all the time, but we are both single and I know she is constantly on social media, messaging people who don't really matter (who aren't proper friends to her), whilst ignoring me. And yet she has many times described me as her 'best friend', how?

She has confided to me before that she can find it suffocating having to respond to people all the time... so why does she NEVER reply to me??
I did wonder, if its because shes so comfortable around me, that she doesn't feel the need to be constantly in touch, and that she believes i'll always 'be there' when she needs me.

And sure, when she needs me, I suddenly feel suffocated, when she starts overloading with messages and phone calls. Its very all or nothing with this friend. I just want to be in touch, a few messages a week, see each other now and then and not feel anxious about messaging her, in case I don't get a response!

Its like she doesn't ever give her 'best friend' a thought except if she wants my advice or if SHE fancies a chat. Its become all on her terms and i'm sick of it.

OR is it as I said, she just thinks i'll always be there in the background, so she is there keeping up her social media 'image' and messaging random people, to come back to me when she feels like it.

I'm conflicted. Theres been a few times where I think how this friendship makes me sad now. Its practically non-existent most of the time. I start to be distant, feel sad. Realise this friendship isn't doing anything for me, although I care about her. Then she may get back in touch and I end up talking to her like all is well, then the long cycle of no contact starts again. I have mentioned how I feel before, I that I don't understand how she can't reply to my texts but can have full on conversations with Joe Bloggs she met on a random night out.

I feel like my feelings are that of a teenager and not someone approaching mid 30s! I just want my best friend to actually be a friend again.

The personality difference is the real issue here and it always increases as we get older. To her, her social media is part of her 'holiday experience' and as an extrovert she thrives on in-person contact. So just by virtue of someone being in front of her or being part of her activity (social media) it takes priority. She's got a lot of people to talk to and interact with so won't be thinking of you when not with you. But she's your everything, as you don't make friends as easily, so you notice the gaps and spaces. I don't think she's malicious or a bad friend, but maybe not best suited to you. I think you would thrive with someone more introverted who values a few but very close friendships the way you do.

Think of your friend as someone fun who you can go out and do things with, just another person you can chat to and fill time with. Not as your best and closes friend. And you can certainly reciprocate her attitude by not dropping everything just because she calls or needs attention. She's probably only doing it because you've never said you find it suffocating.

I'm like her in that when I'm on holiday I don't want to answer questions from friends about the holiday. Because I know I'll see them when back home. Social media is different as I won't bother posting about things once home so I need to do all the required admin then and there. It's a lot easier to type a short 1 line message or like something on social media, and that be the end of the communication than think of answers to plenty of questions that will lead to a further conversation.

I think the fact you're being stressed over this comes from maybe loneliness and an over reliance on just one friend. She may mean something very different than you on what best friend mean. You might be someone she's most honest and open with so you're the best friend that way but doesn't necessarily mean you're the person she always prioritises. So focus on the things you do get from the friendship and then either accept them as they are or take a bit of space.

Just remember when either of you get bfs you likely won't need each other as much. So don't end the friendship completely if this won't be an issue in the future.

You are way too invested in this
She is a friend not BEST friend. I am reluctant to give you tough feedback but ease off a bit or you will scare her away

in the kindest way you seem very needy . You need to step away from this and think about developing other friendships

I'd be annoyed if I was on holiday and my friend expected lots of back and forth messages. Popping some photos in FB for all to see is something different, you're expecting her to take time out of her precious holiday to give you attention.

Sorry (kindly) OP but it's you.

You need to widen your circle and be less invested in this friendship.

She's told you she's overwhelmed by responding to people (not just you, so don't take it personally).

I prefer to have a smaller group too so I empathise. Accept your differences - it doesn't mean you can't be friends.

I think you're over invested in this friendship. You're friend has a lifestyle that you don't. She's busy having fun.
It's probably nothing personal.

Sorry OP but you do sound a bit needy. For example, being annoyed that she didn't tell you about her trip - you don't talk every day and she often goes on random trips, why would you care if she didn't inform you? A more common response would be to think "oh that looks nice, I'll have to ask her about it when I see her next" or maybe sending a text along those lines "looks fab - can't wait to hear about it".

Also mentioning people you don't know. Another non issue. You don't need to stay updated on everyone she meets. Simply ask "who's that?" if you are interested or just ignore if you aren't.

If you don't want to be friends with her, don't be, but her behaviour sounds normal.

It sounds like she’s not a text person and a phone call would be better. That’s ok, some people are just like that.

Posting on social media her way of keeping a large group of people updated, it’s a two second job requiring little thought.

its Probably best for you to widen your friendship group. Join a walking club or some other meet up group. It will give you a bit of balance and meet your needs better

I'm not reading the other posts as I want to give an unbiased answer, so sorry if this has been said.

I am like your friend. Well, I was pre-marriage and kids anyway! Always had to be out and about, travelling the world, taking last minute trips, going on wild nights out that turned into several nights! Really get up and go, active, social.

You don't seem at all like that. And she seems to respect you for who you are, so why can't you also respect her for who she is? If, as an introvert, you're sat home a lot or not doing much, of course you have more time to be texting her. If she's often busy and out then of course she will be texting less.

When I update social media, I expect it to be considered a sort of update of what I'm doing to any friends or family I care about. I don't use it INSTEAD of talking to them, but I might, if I was having a blast on a trip, just quickly update social media (so many people could be updated at once, instead of wasting trip time glued to my phone messaging people one by one).

You sound like two very different people, but you already know that, and friendship means loving each other despite your differences! Why do you need to ditch her because she is different to you? Why can't you keep her as the friend she is and love her for who she is, while maybe finding another introverted friend to be the more quiet daily texts you seem to also need?

She doesn't need to be everything you need in one person! You can have more than one friend to play different roles in your life! If she's the fun friend you see every so often and have a great laugh with then let that be her role! Don't ditch her because she isn't you.

So, after you challenged her about not telling you she was going on a trip, and she apologised, you ‘left her to it and didn’t respond’ … in other words you sulked. All because she didn’t tell you she was going away. She didn’t owe you an apology for that. She’s under no obligation to tell you what she’s doing/where she’s going. A few days later she was (again) the bigger person and contacted you to tell you how the trip was going. You then ‘asked loads of questions’ … yet you know she gets overwhelmed with being expected to respond and this was during her holiday. And when she didn’t reply (just like how you didn’t reply to her apology) you get ‘bothered’.

you’re way too needy and clingy and have unrealistic expectations of this friendship. And your behaviour in it isn’t great.

YABU and fairly ridiculous
Nobody wants to pander to someone. You sound like an elderly relative.

I feel suffocated just reading about how you approach your friendship! Read about anxious attachment.

Sorry OP but it's you. You sound very demanding. She doesn't need to always reply to you straight away. I don't always reply to my best friend straight away and vice versa. We're doing other things and the friendship will remain the same. You should widen your friendship group so you aren't so reliant on one person.

I think she's behaving as a friend does, but you seem to be expecting her to treat you like a partner would ( IE keep you updated on her plans etc)

I’m not so sure it’s you. It sounds like your friend struggles with intimacy. It’s easier to have superficial chats with people you’ve just met, than to maintain a relationship.
is she very charming?
i have family members like this. They are essentially insecure and get their validation from being the brightest star in social situations.
I don’t know what you can do. I doubt she will change.

Agree with all posts above. Either way, the relationship is not good, is it?

I don't think it's all just OP. I've got a mate who only messages when she's going through something and will send loads of texts over one or 2 days. If I ever message her first I get nothing back or if I change the subject onto another topic, she ignores me and just talks about her thing. I never get in touch with her first anymore because I know she either won't read it or won't reply, so I've mentally let her go as someone to rely on.

Her life sounds fun as fuck. I’m not sure why you’re trying to write it in a way to make out like it’s so terrible? Last minute holidays and going out and meeting new people is awesome.

you sound a bit needy, sorry. I update Facebook on holiday but don’t individually text all my friends. They can read about it on Facebook and save me a lot of messages!

She’s done literally nothing wrong and sounds like a great, interesting person to be friends with. I actually think you’re really out of order to consider her to be the one behaving badly.

How long are the messages you’ve sent her? You say you asked lots of questions which makes me think it was quite long. I get overwhelmed when I have to reply to a long message which is over several paragraphs and asks lots of questions, I tend to pot off replying to them until it feels too late.

I find it much easier to stay in regular contact/ reply quickly to the friends who just send me a funny photo or a one line message with something that made them think of me or whatever than ones who message trying to give and get an update on everything that’s happened since the last message!

Maybe you need to look at changing your messaging style if you know she doesn’t reply quickly. A message like ‘Hope the holidays going well, from Facebook the food looks amazing!’ is going to be much less overwhelming than ‘Hi, how are you? Hope the holiday is good. How long are you there for? Is the weather good? I’ve always wanted to try Greek food, have you had tzatziki many places? I didn’t used to like it but now I love it. I’m doing well, got a new project at work which is a bit full on and I’m having to work with John who is driving me mad mansplaining everything, will be glad when it’s over. I’ve started running again too, at least now I’ve got an excuse to get done new trainers! Did you get a nice new holiday wardrobe before you travelled?’ and on and on. I find whilst messages like that are sort of nice to receive and friendly etc they aren’t quick to reply to and amount to feeling like a big task.

I agree with previous posters, for me this would be suffocating. I wonder if you're expectation is that this friend behaves like a partner rather than a friend?

I would hate to think my friends think about my actions in this level of detail and analysis because I'd hate to think I was hurting them accidentally. I just think you're quite different people and your expectations of the relationship might be a bit high?

2016 is a long time ago so - you say the relationship has been tricky since then.

You’re clearly not her ‘best’ friend. Lots of people don’t even want a ‘best’ friend.

U to expect her to tell you when she takes a trip!

If she really never initiates contact / meeting up or responds to your messages, suggest reducing or stopping contact, or only seeing her occasionally, if you still enjoy her company.

Also OP you'd do my head in. Sorry but I don't always have time just to exchange updates with someone.

She’s U if she only contacts you when she wants support or advice. Your choice whether or not to provide this!

my sibling had a longtime friend who did that: didn’t initiate and almost always declined invitations but got in touch when wanted something. Sibling still sees friend but ‘relegated’ them and mostly declines friend’s requests for advice/help!

Your friend just enjoys chatting to a wide variety of people. There is nothing wrong with that. There is something wrong in your neediness within this friendship though. You need to widen your circle so that you don’t rely on your friend so much. Do you have any interests or hobbies you could take up?