To be sick of 'best friend'

[asadfriend]

I have posted about her in the past, but under a different username to stay anonymous. But again, I'm in limbo of if to really cut ties with this friend or not, as she just makes me feel anxious and bad.

We are both in our 30s and single. Friends for 10 years. This problem seemed to start about 2016 but previous to that, I felt we had a good friendship. Equal amount of messaging and saw each regularly. Although we don't meet up as much as we did, when we do, its like no time has passed at all and we have a great time.

I care about her and worry about her a lot. She is quite 'wild' compared to me, in that she will book trips last minute to random places on her own to meet new people, still goes 'out' all the time, is always on social media, always mentions people in conversation who i've never heard her speak about before and I have to question 'who' and she will explain how they met in the most random circumstances but have become friends.

I am the opposite, I wish I had more friends and family, even a partner. but other wise, i'm fairly happy. She is extroverted, but I am introverted, and I'm happy to come home and chill out after a long days work, where as it seems friend has to always be out doing things and gets down if shes not.

Now the problem is actually not the contrast in our personalities which has always been, but the way I feel she treats me nowadays.

For example, she recently went on another of these 'trips' abroad without telling me, I had to find out from facebook. I then text her and felt a bit upset when she responded saying she was sorry she forgot to tell me! I left her to it and didn't respond.

Mid week she text me to tell me how the trip was going, I was happy to hear from her. I responded the same day asking lots of questions. Anyway that was days ago, she never replied to my text. Yet she is updating facebook constantly and posting pictures etc and i'm feeling bothered.

Because i'm single, friendships are important to me. I need them to feel 'validated' I guess. And I understand not everyone can be there for a friend all the time, but we are both single and I know she is constantly on social media, messaging people who don't really matter (who aren't proper friends to her), whilst ignoring me. And yet she has many times described me as her 'best friend', how?

She has confided to me before that she can find it suffocating having to respond to people all the time... so why does she NEVER reply to me??
I did wonder, if its because shes so comfortable around me, that she doesn't feel the need to be constantly in touch, and that she believes i'll always 'be there' when she needs me.

And sure, when she needs me, I suddenly feel suffocated, when she starts overloading with messages and phone calls. Its very all or nothing with this friend. I just want to be in touch, a few messages a week, see each other now and then and not feel anxious about messaging her, in case I don't get a response!

Its like she doesn't ever give her 'best friend' a thought except if she wants my advice or if SHE fancies a chat. Its become all on her terms and i'm sick of it.

OR is it as I said, she just thinks i'll always be there in the background, so she is there keeping up her social media 'image' and messaging random people, to come back to me when she feels like it.

I'm conflicted. Theres been a few times where I think how this friendship makes me sad now. Its practically non-existent most of the time. I start to be distant, feel sad. Realise this friendship isn't doing anything for me, although I care about her. Then she may get back in touch and I end up talking to her like all is well, then the long cycle of no contact starts again. I have mentioned how I feel before, I that I don't understand how she can't reply to my texts but can have full on conversations with Joe Bloggs she met on a random night out.

I feel like my feelings are that of a teenager and not someone approaching mid 30s! I just want my best friend to actually be a friend again.

The sad fact is that you probably don’t mean as much to her as she does to you. She has lots of friends and makes new friends easily. You said you don’t, so you’re over invested in her. You are clinging on to a friendship that isn’t reciprocated in the same way. Sorry, but you need to step back from it and try to find new friends, so you are not so needy around this one. I don’t think you’re ever going to get what you’re looking for from this friend, so you’re the one who’s going to have to adapt. Either you learn to live with it and accept your lesser friendship, or back away from it entirely if upsets you too much. Since she hasn’t really done anything wrong, it seems a shame to cut her out of your life, but it’s your decision - adjust your mindset about her or move on.

Sorry OP, I also think you’re in the wrong here.

She has confided to me before that she can find it suffocating having to respond to people all the time... so why does she NEVER reply to me??

That sounds very much like she’s trying to tell you that she doesn’t want the pressure of having to always respond to you too, particularly while away. You seem to think the title of ‘best friend’ means this shouldn’t apply to you.

She doesn’t sound wild at all, she sounds confident and that she enjoys meeting new people and having new experiences. It sounds like you resent that - do you envy that she makes friends more easily or is prepared to travel alone and try new things? Because the tone of your post is as if she is highly dysfunctional or something, as I read I was fully expecting you to describe her getting into scrapes with her travels or having constant dating or other drama because you sound so disapproving. But no, she’s just enjoying her life and travelling about, doing lots of activities and meeting lots of people and doesn’t always want to be pressured to respond, particularly while on travels.

I think if you really can’t handle who she is you’re not really her friend at all, and you’ve said it yourself, you expect your friends to validate you. Why not try to value her ‘wild’ side instead of seeing it as a barrier to getting what you want from her for your self-esteem?

One of the reasons I knew that an ex-friend was no longer a friend was when she didn't tell me she'd spent a year saving up for a house and had moved. The move was local so we still saw one another but who doesn't mention something as exciting as a first house purchase to a 'good friend'? Something else happened to but I won't hijack your thread.

What I'm trying to say is that this woman doesn't see you as her best friend, she sees you as an option. Sorry to be harsh but that's what it sounds like.

In your 30s I'd be more likely to say close friend than 'best friend.' Best friend sounds so juvenile. I'd concentrate on having a couple of close friends and not fixate this much on one person.

Hi OP, I mean this gently but you sound very controlling. She is who she is, as long as she treats you with kindness and respect she really doesn't owe you more. I'd step back a lot if I were you and focus on your own happiness.

My friend moved house and didn't tell me. Literally makes no difference to my life whatsoever.

I think some of the responses you have had here are very harsh, that you are expecting too much from this social butterfly.

It seems the issue is that your once equal close friendship with this person has changed and you now don't feel like a priority to her? You get random glimpses of the person she was which is confusing you (and keeping you hoping) but are also feeling ignored and dismissed in favour of other people.

It's like a bad boyfriend who was madly in love and attentive at the beginning but has lost interest now and keeps you on the back-burner because there's plenty of other 'fish in the sea'.

I think perhaps for your self esteem you would be better off moving away from this one. Perhaps not make her a priority and as others have said concentrate on new friendships. I don't think she's going to go back to being as close to you and there may be someone else out there who's more aligned with you and your needs.

I also don't believe grown adults have to tell each other absolutely everything about their lives. With your friend being an extrovert trip's like that aren't as maybe so much of a thing as they maybe for you who is introverted. She probably just didn't think it was a big deal to specially mention.

I’m just thinking here, a few weeks ago I went abroad for a week. One of my close friends knew the holiday was in the spring time but didn’t know the exact dates or even approximate dates. We were texting a few days before I was due to leave and I didn’t mention it, as it wasn’t relevant to the conversation we were having. I didn’t initiate contact with her while I was away, but I did respond to her contacts, which happened to be links to articles and commentary on them. In these texts, I still didn’t mention that I was away. It wasn’t relevant or particularly important. A few days after I got back I brought it up in a text, and she asked how the holiday had been and we chatted about it. No angst. No drama. No hurt feelings. Just sensible adult interaction.

If someone sent me a load of questions when I was busy on holiday I’d leave it to reply until I’d got more time and probably forget to come back to it. But I’d probably be posting on SM in the meantime to let everyone know what I was up to. And I might consider that my SM post had answered my friend’s questions, so I didn’t need to reply personally. And I’m 56!

I feel suffocated just reading your post, @asadfriend . I’d advise you to get some therapy to work on why you feel entitled to this level of contact and accountability from your friend. She sounds a lot more tolerant than I am, that’s for sure - I’d have run a mile years ago from this type of behaviour.

Don't even need to read the replies to know that you'll be made out to be some kind of creepy stalker. 🙄

Why does she have to tell you whenever she plans to go away? Isn't that the point of the facebook post-to update your friends?

OP, the kindest thing you can do for yourself here is to step away from social media (when you monitoring and analysing someone’s else’s use of a social media platform you are in too deep). Focus on other real world friendships as this is what you prioritise. And when this frond gets back in touch from her latest hiatus, don’t be available. Be busy - busy with other fiends and hobbies or just busy being with yourself!

your friend is not really in the wrong, you are just different and a bit less compatible at this present time.

I’m very introverted too, but think you’re in the wrong here - sorry. There’s nothing wrong with your friend not updating you on her plans - just ask her about the things that interest you in what she’s doing. She’s much more likely to open up if she doesn’t feel monitored.

In the nicest way I think you put too much on this friendship. I think you need to take a step back and see it as just a friend rather than a close friend as I don't think that is what she is. Do you have other people in your life ...other friends? I have a friend with similarities in the sense that I don't hear from her for months at a time and sometimes she even stops messaging half way through a conversation. I do view her as quite rude sometimes but at the same time i just see it as that is just her but I have so much going on in life and other people and friends that it doesn't really bother me. And if I'm being honest if I no longer had her as a friend it wouldn't make much difference to my life in terms of social life/having someone to talk to. I think you maybe need a bit more in your life so that you have other things and people to focus on.

This message for me hit the nail on the head more than the others. This is the issue. That I feel of absolutely no priority, yet we used to be close. And this makes me feel so sad and ignored. I haven't changed and still value the friendship, but she has - but it feels like shes just changed her opinion of me, and that i'm not important in any way.

Overall, a lot of people got this correct, that I don't make friends easily. I can count on one hand people I consider friends, and not even close close at that. Close in that we tell each other things, but not close that we we're in touch every week.

It probably does say more about me and my feelings about myself than friend. But the overall issue is that i'm sad i'm no longer one of the 'main' friends. Yet a couple of months ago, I stood with her whilst she told someone 'I love 'asadfriend', we don't always have to see each other or be in touch but I know shes there'.

I feel like the friendship benefits her but not me and thats the issue, the inbalance.

:(

I mean this kindly but sounds like your more her friend than best friend and she's been distancing herself from you for a while.

Do her a favour and cut ties

Friendships change. I think keep it pleasant but dont rely on her. I try and have a few friends. One has fizzled 20 plus years but feel its all one sided now so just let it be

Christ. Get a life op! You aren't her keeper and she doesn't need to tell you everything that she's doing.

Yet a couple of months ago, I stood with her whilst she told someone 'I love 'asadfriend', we don't always have to see each other or be in touch but I know shes there'.

I think this is what a lot of adult friendships are though and she's told you it's what she wants. You can't see and talk to each other as much as you did when younger. As you get older you have more responsibilities, more pressures, different priorities, you do more things etc. Exactly how a friendship at 14 is nothing like one at 25. You wouldn't expect regular sleepovers and hours long convos everyday. I too have maintained long term friendships as we don't need regular contact, but if something goes wrong or someone needs help, of course we'd be there.

What you want is essentially the closeness of a partner in a friend. And i'd argue that even a partner can't be expected to fill all your emotional needs. It also only work if your friend wants the same. Unfortunately this friend is not it. You'd be better placed opening up your life to hobbies, other people you can connect with, so you won't be as lonely.

What you're upset about is that her life has changed and evolved and yours hasn't, so of course you feel sad. But I don't think she's a bad friend for wanting more from her life than just you, and going out there to get it.

I don't think your friend's done anything wrong here, but then again, neither have you. You're just very different people. If you've had concerns for more than half of your friendship and have been moved to post about her on here more than once, it's probably not a very good friendship for you and you should seriously consider stepping back a bit, at least temporarily.

@asadfriend, unfortunately that can be a side effect of an unbalanced friendship. Perhaps she needed you more in the beginning but doesn't now hence the lack of priority in her life.

She sees you as the loyal reliable one that will always be there, the rock to lean on. Uou want the same in return but she likes adventure and new experiences. Out of interest, does she have lots of old friends? I ask because I know someone like this and have noticed over the years that, whilst she likes to have a wide circle of friends, they come and go. There's no long term friends.

Neither of you is BU. You just want different things.

The feelings you express are very similar to mine about my adult son. That’s not to say you’re parenting her, what I mean is you have been the steady, reliable one and (just like a 19 year old) she’s either full on messaging “I need advice/help/to offload” or she’s off doing her own thing. It sounds to me as if you’ve matured at different rates, that’s all. It doesn’t mean she’s been malicious, but it’s hurtful when someone changes towards you like this. In the case of DS it’s to be expected, but not a friend.

Look after yourself in this situation. At present you’re risking being hurt again and again. I would back off big style and seek out friends with whom you can have a more even relationship. There’s no reason you can’t meet up with her if you’d still like to, but stop responding to the sudden, full-on stuff and that in itself will change the dynamic