To be sick of 'best friend'

[asadfriend]

I have posted about her in the past, but under a different username to stay anonymous. But again, I'm in limbo of if to really cut ties with this friend or not, as she just makes me feel anxious and bad.

We are both in our 30s and single. Friends for 10 years. This problem seemed to start about 2016 but previous to that, I felt we had a good friendship. Equal amount of messaging and saw each regularly. Although we don't meet up as much as we did, when we do, its like no time has passed at all and we have a great time.

I care about her and worry about her a lot. She is quite 'wild' compared to me, in that she will book trips last minute to random places on her own to meet new people, still goes 'out' all the time, is always on social media, always mentions people in conversation who i've never heard her speak about before and I have to question 'who' and she will explain how they met in the most random circumstances but have become friends.

I am the opposite, I wish I had more friends and family, even a partner. but other wise, i'm fairly happy. She is extroverted, but I am introverted, and I'm happy to come home and chill out after a long days work, where as it seems friend has to always be out doing things and gets down if shes not.

Now the problem is actually not the contrast in our personalities which has always been, but the way I feel she treats me nowadays.

For example, she recently went on another of these 'trips' abroad without telling me, I had to find out from facebook. I then text her and felt a bit upset when she responded saying she was sorry she forgot to tell me! I left her to it and didn't respond.

Mid week she text me to tell me how the trip was going, I was happy to hear from her. I responded the same day asking lots of questions. Anyway that was days ago, she never replied to my text. Yet she is updating facebook constantly and posting pictures etc and i'm feeling bothered.

Because i'm single, friendships are important to me. I need them to feel 'validated' I guess. And I understand not everyone can be there for a friend all the time, but we are both single and I know she is constantly on social media, messaging people who don't really matter (who aren't proper friends to her), whilst ignoring me. And yet she has many times described me as her 'best friend', how?

She has confided to me before that she can find it suffocating having to respond to people all the time... so why does she NEVER reply to me??
I did wonder, if its because shes so comfortable around me, that she doesn't feel the need to be constantly in touch, and that she believes i'll always 'be there' when she needs me.

And sure, when she needs me, I suddenly feel suffocated, when she starts overloading with messages and phone calls. Its very all or nothing with this friend. I just want to be in touch, a few messages a week, see each other now and then and not feel anxious about messaging her, in case I don't get a response!

Its like she doesn't ever give her 'best friend' a thought except if she wants my advice or if SHE fancies a chat. Its become all on her terms and i'm sick of it.

OR is it as I said, she just thinks i'll always be there in the background, so she is there keeping up her social media 'image' and messaging random people, to come back to me when she feels like it.

I'm conflicted. Theres been a few times where I think how this friendship makes me sad now. Its practically non-existent most of the time. I start to be distant, feel sad. Realise this friendship isn't doing anything for me, although I care about her. Then she may get back in touch and I end up talking to her like all is well, then the long cycle of no contact starts again. I have mentioned how I feel before, I that I don't understand how she can't reply to my texts but can have full on conversations with Joe Bloggs she met on a random night out.

I feel like my feelings are that of a teenager and not someone approaching mid 30s! I just want my best friend to actually be a friend again.

I agree with this I'm afraid. Why must she let you known before she goes on a trip?

That's an odd thing to be cross about.

It's also odd to decide to not bother replying to her as if you think she should be in trouble for not informing you of her plans.

It sounds like you want different things from this friendship.

Yes, I found that sense of expecting her to be accountable to be strange. I have a family member who had a similar expectation of me, until I firmly pointed out to her that I am accountable to my employer 39 hours a week and after that I don’t answer to anyone about my whereabouts etc.

@Dacquoise Yes I feel this is right. She sees me as reliable and a rock, which is why when things don't seem so rosy for her, we're suddenly meeting up and i'm having contact.

I'm one of her oldest friends. But she seems to loose contact with people and then reconnect and they're her 'favourites' again, then onto the next and so on. I guess i'm not one of the favourites anymore. But I haven't been for years now.

I recently moved into a new house and shes showing no interest in visiting, but has asked about it. Though I see now she probably just asked because its the 'polite' thing to do. :(

That's interesting what you day about friends moving in and out of her life. A pp mentioned issues with intimacy. Perhaps that's how she manages how close she gets to others or prefers things light and easy. I always wonder how close you can get to people if there's always someone new on the block. You can only give so much of your time to friends, especially if you have loads.

I really wouldn't take this too personally Op, easier said than done. This is who she is and you've had your moment in the sun with her. Perhaps take some time and grieve for the friendship you thought you had and try not to invest your heart in someone who needs lots of friends and excitement in future.

Also you don't have to be her emotional go to if you aren't getting what you want out of it. I have had something similar recently. Letting go has been quite cathatic as I was feeling a bit used and resentful about it.

Feeling like I want to confront my friend, but every time I go to write out a text, I end up rubbing it out.

So I haven't properly spoken to her since starting this thread. I had a random text from her last night saying 'Hey asadfriend x' and I repiled saying 'Hey how are you doing? x' and i've had no response.

In the meantime, shes posting on social media constantly, I know she was out last night.

I'm feeling really down, I've just moved house, I was really excited and she knew it. But she hasn't asked anything at all, she hasn't asked if i'm in tne house and all is ok or anything, no interest in coming to visit although she knows where it is.

I think it's obvious that she isn't aware at all how you are feeling and also not that bothered I guess.

You can either just invite her over to see the new house and then talk to her about how you feel. Or you can just stop responding and see if she makes more effort (I doubt it). Text confrontations are never a good idea as she will likely get defensive and just cut contact. Also since it's the first time you've said anything, it will come as a shock and end whatever friendship you do have - for you it's years of being frustrated, for her she's oblivious. Only text if you plan to end the friendship completely and just want to say your piece.

Whatever way you decide to contact her - your choices are to either accept she just doesn't need the friendship the same way you do. Or to use her like she does you as an occasional good time friend. What you want - for her to care about you, check up on you etc - she just doesn't and if it's been like this for 6 years you do need to just move on. But spending your days so resentful, invested in, and upset about just one person who isn't even a partner is not healthy.

Its not the first time this has happened. I have confronted her about this before and how it makes me feel sad we're not as close as we used to be. She has sometimes bucked up and made more effort and apologised and told me shes sorry for being a bad friend.

Then it happens again, no contact for weeks. I think she thinks i'm just going to put up with it as this point. But i'm fed up of it being on HER terms all the time.

Ah ok, if it's been like this despite you speaking to her, then it's a lost cause. I wouldn't waste any more time and energy. Look at it as you would a bf - if he repeatedly let you down over 6 years, would you stick around and hope he'd change, or just dump him. I think you hope she will go back to how it used to be but that was a very very long time ago, time to cut ties.

Just stop responding and take space. Let the friendship die a natural death. Mourn it but move on. Honestly, friendship should be light and easy, make you feel good about yourself - this doesn't do it for you, so just let go. You have to move on as she has. New friends. Hobbies. Dating. You can't keep living off past memories of what things were.

Because i'm single, friendships are important to me. I need them to feel 'validated' I guess. And I understand not everyone can be there for a friend all the time, but we are both single and I know she is constantly on social media, messaging people who don't really matter (who aren't proper friends to her), whilst ignoring me. And yet she has many times described me as her 'best friend', how?

Honestly, at this point I'm wondering if a megaphone is needed here to communicate to you what's going on with your friend, but maybe that won't be enough.

who don't really matter - it is up to her to decide who matters and who doesn't, not you. You don't get first right of reply either. Just because you are both single doesn't mean you are automatically her substitute boyfriend. I don't think she even thinks of you as her best friend. You are a source of comfort for her but it friendship sounds pretty one-way to me, or unbalanced at least.

She has confided to me before that she can find it suffocating having to respond to people all the time... so why does she NEVER reply to me??

Have you ever considered the fact that she was trying to communicate to you you here? Because she didn't want to say it directly to you? It might have been the following -

'I find it suffocating having to respond to you all the time......so I'm going to stop/that's why I've stopped replying to you'

And sure, when she needs me, I suddenly feel suffocated, when she starts overloading with messages and phone calls. Its very all or nothing with this friend. I just want to be in touch, a few messages a week, see each other now and then

I understand why would want a more steady or even relationship and sympathise with that.

not feel anxious about messaging her, in case I don't get a response

You need to sort out your anxiety. Some people just don't respond unless it's necessary, or they mean to respond, but something distracts them and they forget about the message.

Its like she doesn't ever give her 'best friend' a thought except if she wants my advice or if SHE fancies a chat. Its become all on her terms and i'm sick of it

I don't blame you. No one likes feeling used. No one likes feeling like they are picked up and dropped back down again whenever it suits the other person, but I'm afraid some people are just flakey. Or, they're using a facet of your personality that's useful to them at the time, but they're not interested in you as a whole person.

You need to start emotionally de-investing from this relationship.Don't expect so much from her, and be more casual in responding to her.

Also I don't think she thinks you'll put up with it or that you're old reliable. I don't think she really thinks of you beyond the occasional 'I wonder what asadfriend is upto' - like you do about old school mates etc. She may notice your absence and even feel a little sad but she has filled her life with other hobbies and people over the last 6 years so it won't affect her as much as it does you. I think your emotional investment is far far too much into her and you do need to find another outlet. If the kind of friendship you wanted existed - you would have found someone else in all these years. It's best to split your attention between a few friends so if one is busy you have someone else.

She has sometimes bucked up and made more effort and apologised and told me shes sorry for being a bad friend

I've come across this before. She might feel genuineky guilt, but that doesn't change the fact that it sounds like she's just not that into you. She is making 'an effort' because she considers this a duty, something she had to do to keep being in your good books. It's not natural and not nice when someone is spending time with you out of duty....and it doesn't last long does it? It's because they don't really want to do it.

I wouldn't raise this issue with her again. Really. I would focus on trying to make different friends who will make you busy and take your focus off of her. When she reaches out to you, don't drop everything to attend to what she need.

I have unfollowed her posts on facebook and put her number to redirect to voicemail, IF she ever contacts me in the future.

The problem i'm having with this whole thing, is not only am I feeling sad i'm losing the friendship, but wondering WHY. Its really affecting my self esteem tbh.

I will also say, I actually don't message her or call her all the time. This is why the silence is deafening. When she says shes felt suffocated by people. I can't think she'd mean me as I mentioned above, I mostly only reply these days if she messages me first. (Which seems to be rarer and rarer.)

The problem i'm having with this whole thing, is not only am I feeling sad i'm losing the friendship, but wondering WHY. Its really affecting my self esteem tbh.

This is very dangerous - if you are letting just a friend who's been drifting apart for years, affect your self esteem. It will be worse if you get into a relationship. You can't let other people's rejection of you lower your self esteem!

As for your friend - well, she's just very different to you. In life we grow and evolve in different ways and not every friendship can survive the change. She likes adventure and exploration and socialising - you don't. She will want to be with people who can facilitate that, who can share her adventures. It's not a negative reflection on you - just that you need to find friends who enjoy the same things you do.

I really think you need to get some hobbies and a new focus in life. Your self esteem should come from all the things you do and achieve in life, not from other people. It's a very unhealthy space to be, so reliant on someone else to feel good, and I can understand now why you are so hung up, to the point of obsession, on this friend.

You can make other friends you know. You just have to get out there.

You have to face up to the fact that there are many people who have lots of friends and so can't keep up with one specific friend all the time.

One of my very best friends I speak to very occasionally because she is so busy and a lot like your friend there. That's okay by me. I have other friends, some are very chilled, some are mid way but point being go out and make new friends.

If you don't enjoy being introverted then get out there and build confidence. There is a whole world out there full of people. You have interests, right? cooking, gardening, walking, dogs, cats, writing, books, films, a philosophy you have, what you did a degree in, what you do for work, etc. etc. etc.

Every single thing you are interested in has a group online and in person full of like minded people so get out there and join them and meet those people. You can hit it off easily since you have a common interest.

Sorry but this person is not that type of friend for you.

I do have a friend I touch in with very regularly but it's because we are very similar and things are just so comfortable we are like sisters and it comes naturally. If it didn't come naturally it wouldn't be happening.

It doesn't come naturally to check in with you for this person, and you can't make it become natural either.

You need to go and make friends and it's more than possible to do that, it's really easy.

I'm sorry to say it but nothing about this friendship appears healthy, OP. It's not really OK to be upset with a friend because they didn't prioritise you in sharing travel plans, nor to be upset by not getting enough messages or that they are on social media rather than messaging you.

It comes across that this friendship makes you feel worse, not better.

I really think you'd be better to distance yourself and maybe stop messaging for a while.

Adult friendships shouldn't take this much effort, OP.

Earlier in the thread you said she’d shown interest in your new place, just not suggested visiting. You’re now cross that she hasn’t asked about it again?

And now you’ve decided to cut contact completely?

I'm afraid that I think you are very needy. You have already said that she's prone to spontaneous trips, yet when you saw on sm that she was on holiday you text in such a way that it prompted an apology from her for not telling you about it.

I also would not send a lot of questions to someone who was on holiday. Posting photos on sm takes seconds and is fun, showing a lot of people all at once what you are up to, but replying to lots of questions requires thought and time, and is an imposition when someone is on holiday.

She has already told you that she doesn't enjoy feeling obligated to reply to messages in a certain timeframe - don't you think she was discreetly trying to tell you something here?

If the friendship isn't working for you then by all means end it but to me it feels as if you are cutting off an old friend for no good reason, and you don't have many left.

Unfollowing her on fb and redirecting her calls to voicemail? Really petty and immature imo, designed to provoke a response. If I was your friend, that would be the nail in the coffin to me, and a relief.

Gosh OP, this sounds incredibly suffocating. The way you write is as if she's your romantic partner, not your friend/best friend. Expecting to be informed when she's going abroad is just wild. I would find that level of expectation so suffocating.

It looks as though you're a bit patronising to her as well, but it's masking jealousy? The way you say she's 'wild' and you're worried about it. Worried why? Because she's out living her life? What's wrong or wild about going on short notice trips, going 'out out' a lot, making new friends? She sounds like a lot of fun and like she's making the most out of her life in a different way to you. Are you envious and wishing you were more like her? IDK, I just get this mental image of you two sat having dinner catching up and she's telling you all about how this Josh guy you've never heard of did the funniest thing on the beach and instead of laughing along or enjoying learning about her life and seeing her happy you're sat with a sour face thinking 'who's Josh? Why does she care so much about him when she only sent me two messages last week? Am I losing her?'

Friendships ebb and flow and what makes a 'best' friend isn't necessarily the level and depth and frequency of contact. For me, someone becomes a best friend after years of building a friendships, getting to know one another, doing things together, they gradually become a bigger and bigger part of your life. And short of a major falling out, once I consider someone a best friend that's permanent even if our life circumstances change and we no longer speak often or see each other all the time. I have a best friend who now lives in another country who I can only see every couple of years, and one who lives twenty minutes away who I see a few times per month. Neither is more or less loved or more or less a crucial part of my life. But if either had the expectations of me you have of your friend, it just wouldn't last. Friendships ebb and flow, they shouldn't have so many strict obligations on them.

With respect, I think you've hit the nail on the head about why this bothers you so much, it affects your self-esteem. Which is a 'you' problem, rather than a 'her' problem. Have you considered delving a bit more deeply into your self-esteem? If you want I can paste some free resources for you to try figure out if low self-esteem is a problem for you, and to work on improving it if you wish to.

The reason i've worried about her is because some of the people she meets and becomes friends with are men who are in love with her. She has had a few intense friendships with these men who begin to start treating her as their girlfriend, by being controlling and sending intense messages. I think she enjoys these friendships until it becomes more serious that they want more and more and when she isn't prepared to give that, they can get vile in their texts etc. She ends up blocking them, but when she fancies them back in her life, she will unblock and get back in contact.

Back to our friendship though, although we're female and obviously nothing more than friends, I know she has other girl mates who she constantly messages because i've seen so on her phone! They aren't as old a friend as I am to her so i've often wondered if she treats them better because shes 'used' to having me there just waiting in the background for when she needs me.

I am a lonely person who doesn't make friends easily. I often feel like nobody likes me and the feeling ignored just intensifies all of this and makes me low.

I guess when things are good with my friend, I feel good. The same as with other friends. When one of them is being distant. I feel that and the worry that i'm going to be alone with no friends starts up.

But she is the most unreliable of my friends now but also (I at least) considered her my best friend so it hurts that she clearly doesn't enjoy my company as much as I do hers.

Also I haven't deleted her from facebook, just 'unfollowed' so that I won't see her updates. She won't know that.

It’s you, your being a bit needy, no worries, you know now so give her some space.

Im VERY jealous of your friends life!! Can she be my friend please?

I have a similar friendship - whilst some parts differ, some parts ring true.
However, i feel i am more your friend in this circumstance, so i can try and shed some light on some different perspective.

I mostly only reply these days if she messages me first.
My friend, like you, told me she stopped bothering with me because i stopped messaging her/calling her first and didnt seem interested in her life. But, friendships are a two way street. Because life is busier for her than it is for you, why have you taken a back foot stance that you cant instigate any form of contact? You are leaving the entire relationsip essentially down to her to continue, so no wonder it feels on 'her terms'. If your not going to contact her, you cannot then complain that she doesnt contact you - simple as.

I know she has other girl mates who she constantly messages because i've seen so on her phone!
Friendships bring you closer to certain people depending on circumstances in your life. My bestfriend had has 1 boyfriend her entire life, moved in together young and had no real relationship issues. She is not the friend i go to for break up advice, because i know she cannot relate. However, my other friends do. So in times of break ups etc - i turn to them, not her. It doesn't mean you are any less special to her or your friendship doesnt mean as much, it just means she may feel that another friend is more relatable to her at the moment than you.

I guess when things are good with my friend, I feel good.
Of course its great to see your friends happy, but it sounds like you are relying on your friend to make you happy. That is a lot of pressure for your friend.
My best friend essentially said the things to me you have mentioned above - and i felt so angry and upset that i wasn't able to live my life without having to think 'what would best friend think', 'will this upset them if i dont do X Y Z'. We had a big argument, and things are ok now - but i do resent her still for the things that were said.

You can either accept the relationship is what it is and stop putting so much pressure on it, or if you cant handle that hen walk away from it. But you will end up pushing friend away anyway if you carry on making no active effort to maintain the friendship but blame her for its failings.

Christ OP. You need to start accepting responsibility for your own life and stop burdening friends with your own neuroses. You can talk to someone professionally and make active changes to your life. If you don't, you'll soon end up with no friends.

You are spending a really frightening amount of time on analysing her text and socialising habits. Multiple threads on MN, monitoring social media etc. How she interacts with men and other friends is really not your business (and nothing you've said about her sounds off). I would be very creeped out if someone was observing, judging and analysing everything I was doing. I'm sorry to ask but is there a chance you have romantic feelings for her? You seem so deeply fixated on her despite admitting it's been drifting apart for 6 years...

Can you really not understand why she and others are not giving you the kind of attention you need - because you are looking for a partner, not a friend. Even in a relationship it would be far too intense and needy. It unfortunately is a personality type that scares off most people because no one wants to be responsible for an adult who is lonely but making no attempts to change this - other than being very demanding of others.

No I don't love her 'romantically'. I love her as a friend. But she clearly doesn't love me, although looking back on previous messages she says 'I love you asadfriend xxx' a lot. And I have always been the sucker to answer her 4am calls in the past.

Over the years i've noticed she has different friends in 'vogue' at a given time where she goes out and contacts them more, then they disappear for a time to come back around again eventually.

Maybe she is just a user. When it suits her.

She has now been back ages and doesn't seem to want to tell me about the amazing trip she keeps going on about on facebook.

I just think its a shame I haven't got enough close friends to concentrate on.

You know what, I think she does see you as one of her closest friends, but as far as she's concerned, you have that easy relationship where you aren't accountable to each other, don't need to be in touch all the time, not see each other for months, but pick up where you left off comfortably when you do see each other.

To me, that's the best kind of friendship.

But you obviously value more consistent contact.

Neither of you is wrong, it's a compatibility thing.

As Phizog says very eloquently ‘no one wants to be responsible for an adult who is lonely but making no attempts to change this - other than being very demanding of others.

My friendships have changed over the years, what you’re feeling OP is grief that the friendship has changed to one that isn’t working for you. There is no right and wrong here. I have been in your position where I’ve felt like an emotional dumping ground for some of my oldest friends and I’ve also loosened ties with friends who I’ve