Is the start of dh cheating? Dead marriage but plod on ok…

[Picklybilly88]

So, we have been married 11 years, together 17 with 1 teenage child.
our marriage has pretty much failed in recent years and we have plodded along for the sake of our child, until he finishes his exams and then we were talking of a gentle way to go our separate ways. We tried to do this when our son was 9 and it broke his heart so we tried again, for his sake (I don’t think it was a good idea on reflection).
given the situation, I don’t think it is right that DH has struck up a friendship of sorts with a lady who is a lot younger…..I found out from snooping at his phone, I had suspicions, he only met her recently through his pals. She has a track record!!
anyway, he has met her twice for a drink and meeting her again soon.
I’m not sure how to deal with this, I don’t want to confront it as I am not emotionally strong enough yet. Do I bide my time and keep an eye on his whereabouts.
I would love to divorce the ar*e off him right now.
I can imagine he will say they are just friends, but even so, he is going behind my back and met her when he was “too busy to pick the DC up from after school).
I am a mess, I know it’s over and I accept that, but not like this.
just looking for words of wisdom and friendly comment.
we are both at mid life age. Different interests in life.

At some point, OP, your son will become an adult and ask you why you stayed. And not out of curiosity, but because he will be looking for someone to blame as to why he had a bit of a crappy time at home seeing his mum and dad clearly u happy with each other.

My mother 'weaponized' myself and my two brothers when her and my father split...even though we were all over the age of 18 (just).

She told us all the gory details of my father's cheating because, in her words, "we were adults and deserved to know the truth" ... but it was only her 'truth' and it was purely about their marriage...which was between them, nothing to do with us.

All she cared about was her feelings, she didn't even consider that she was upsetting us...because whether she liked it or not, he was still our father and she should have wanted us to still have a good relationship with him. However she didn't, for her own selfish reasons she was determined to wreck it, and through her oversharing and emotional blackmail she succeeded.

30 years on and I doubt I will ever forgive her for the way she acted at that time. She didn't give a damn about me or my brothers, as usual it was all about her.

I think you're getting an unfair pile on here. Whether the marriage was good or not, it's still hurtful to find out what he's doing.

Good that you've gathered up important papers and seeing a solicitor.
How is it you've amassed debt?
You've brought a lot of value to the marriage. Raising your DS and doing everything house related. He's being ridiculous to act like you haven't contributed.

OP I think on some ways you’re getting a pretty rough ride here. Obviously this isn’t a ‘normal’ cheating situation, the marriage is over in all but legal terms, but how to both parent your son meanwhile, and what you are both willing to tolerate as the marriage comes to an end, is very important.
Bottom line for me, is that if in the discussion about the marriage ending, it was never discussed about opening it up and both parties being ok with meeting/ seeing other people, then yes, he’s cheating as in he’s cheating on the agreement made on what happens until the formal split.
You have said he wants an ‘amicable’ split, which is unlikely if he’s already seeing other people behind your back. He is jeopardising this and making the way you relate to each other running up to the divorce much harder. The fact that (he thinks) it’s all being kept secret tells you that he knows he shouldn’t be doing this and that it would upset you and your son.
By causing further strain on your relationship he is adding to the stress at home for your son, your son might find out that his father is being dishonest and deceitful, and he is risking losing the relationship he has with his son, further alienating you and setting the scene for a less than amicable split.
What he is saying to the younger woman or doing is neither here nor there, though, you no longer care for him and to be blunt it sounds like the standard affair garbage that the younger third party gets fed, ‘feel alive again’ ‘feel young again’ and reverting to teenage romance cringey behaviour, so sadly it’s pretty standard form. His dishonesty about his handling of the end of your marriage is the point here, not the younger woman.
Just put your son first, concentrate on him. What is he aware of? (More than you think.) What does he think is about to happen to his life? What is his home life like? What is the atmosphere like? He might well be getting pretty anxious and depressed.
Instead of concentrating on your husband’s crappy behaviour, concentrate on making a plan for your son’s future and how the divorce will be handled.
You could tackle your husband over what he is doing and say it’s disappointing that he feels the need to see other people already and prioritise that over staying amicable with you and his son’s wellbeing, but it’s not likely to end well or change much, just make the atmosphere in your home even worse, with your son still unhappily in the middle of it all.
I think your husband is in the wrong, for what it’s worth, as you wanted an amicable split without infidelity muddying the waters and understood that this was the case, things would stay as they were until the split. I understand your anger about this, you wanted a ‘clean’ and honourable end to your marriage and your husband has sneaked behind your back after agreeing to an amicable split which is pretty low. If he thought it was ok to do this he wouldn’t be hiding it.
This isn’t the big issue though, your son’s life and mental wellbeing is.
I think a faster end to this marriage is needed, for everyone’s sake, primarily your son’s. He’s the one who is suffering from a lack of honesty from both parents about how precarious his day to day life is, whilst at the same time picking up vibes that something is very, very wrong. This is damaging and risking his future relationships with both of you, and also his future mental health. Time to end this now so that everyone knows where they stand and can live honestly into the future. Painful truth will be easier for him to absorb and deal with long term than ongoing uncertainty and it’s horrible partners, stress and crushing anxiety. Honesty from and to all is what is needed here.
Good luck OP, I feel for the awful situation you are all in. X