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Original poster

Is the start of dh cheating? Dead marriage but plod on ok…

79 replies

Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 20:19

So, we have been married 11 years, together 17 with 1 teenage child.
our marriage has pretty much failed in recent years and we have plodded along for the sake of our child, until he finishes his exams and then we were talking of a gentle way to go our separate ways. We tried to do this when our son was 9 and it broke his heart so we tried again, for his sake (I don’t think it was a good idea on reflection).
given the situation, I don’t think it is right that DH has struck up a friendship of sorts with a lady who is a lot younger…..I found out from snooping at his phone, I had suspicions, he only met her recently through his pals. She has a track record!!
anyway, he has met her twice for a drink and meeting her again soon.
I’m not sure how to deal with this, I don’t want to confront it as I am not emotionally strong enough yet. Do I bide my time and keep an eye on his whereabouts.
I would love to divorce the ar*e off him right now.
I can imagine he will say they are just friends, but even so, he is going behind my back and met her when he was “too busy to pick the DC up from after school).
I am a mess, I know it’s over and I accept that, but not like this.
just looking for words of wisdom and friendly comment.
we are both at mid life age. Different interests in life.

OP posts:
Mumof3confused · 24/04/2022 22:23

It’s not his house, it’s a marital asset. I’d get prepared if I were you. Start seeing a counsellor as you’ll need one for when you go through your separation. See a solicitor also so that you know where you stand/can get prepared. I’d start thinking practically now. Where will you stand financially when you split?

LetHimHaveIt · 24/04/2022 22:27

'I bet DH doesn’t like her, she is just a player and a bunny boiler and will prob offer herself up!'

Good Lord. OP - is it that you don't want him but don't want anyone else to have him? Or is it that you do want him so don't want anyone else to have him?

Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 22:37

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Not tied in any way at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 22:40

Mumof3confused · 24/04/2022 22:23

It’s not his house, it’s a marital asset. I’d get prepared if I were you. Start seeing a counsellor as you’ll need one for when you go through your separation. See a solicitor also so that you know where you stand/can get prepared. I’d start thinking practically now. Where will you stand financially when you split?

Really not sure, DH does earn a high wage and pays the mortgage and most of the bills. I pay for my child’s sport £100 a month, all of the food, the pets and my own car. He feels I have never paid my way. 15k vs 85k. He supports me by ‘putting a roof over my head’ apparently.
I will start thinking practically.

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 22:41

LetHimHaveIt · 24/04/2022 22:27

'I bet DH doesn’t like her, she is just a player and a bunny boiler and will prob offer herself up!'

Good Lord. OP - is it that you don't want him but don't want anyone else to have him? Or is it that you do want him so don't want anyone else to have him?

She is welcome, but morally wrong at this time when we still live together. Fine if we officially separate and our dc knows the score. I don’t want dc going through the hurt of a cheating parent as I had as a child. It cuts like a knife.

OP posts:
Overthewine · 24/04/2022 22:44

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MermaidEyes · 24/04/2022 22:44

She is my polar opposite and definitely not his type at all

In all fairness, how do you really know what his type is? People change the things they want over time. You were obviously his type at one time, but you aren't anymore or your relationship would still be a good one. In my experience, when couples separate, the next serious partner they end up with is usually nothing like the previous one.
I really think it's time to consider ending things, as hard as that may be. He's showing signs of moving on, you need to too.

Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 22:50

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In my opinion it is cheating. We have discussed separation in the future but hoped to remain civil. My pis@ is now boiling.
meeting and messaging another woman, that tells him she is sexually attracted to him and more?? Hmmm

OP posts:
Overthewine · 24/04/2022 22:54

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Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 22:54

MermaidEyes · 24/04/2022 22:44

She is my polar opposite and definitely not his type at all

In all fairness, how do you really know what his type is? People change the things they want over time. You were obviously his type at one time, but you aren't anymore or your relationship would still be a good one. In my experience, when couples separate, the next serious partner they end up with is usually nothing like the previous one.
I really think it's time to consider ending things, as hard as that may be. He's showing signs of moving on, you need to too.

Thank you. I need an animal lover next time! DH does not like pets! That’s a starting point. He is extremely lazy around the house. I work full time on a crappy wage but love my job and can progress now dc is older. Dh is semi retired, but earns a high wage.
his type is Fiona Bruce! This woman is more like Bruce! 20 years younger, he has no sympathy for people with health conditions or mental health (which is horrible of him). She has plenty of that going on which I do feel sorry for.
I broke my arm/wrist 2 years ago and he was awful! Called me a waste of space as I couldn’t the bed in my own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 22:55

Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 22:54

Thank you. I need an animal lover next time! DH does not like pets! That’s a starting point. He is extremely lazy around the house. I work full time on a crappy wage but love my job and can progress now dc is older. Dh is semi retired, but earns a high wage.
his type is Fiona Bruce! This woman is more like Bruce! 20 years younger, he has no sympathy for people with health conditions or mental health (which is horrible of him). She has plenty of that going on which I do feel sorry for.
I broke my arm/wrist 2 years ago and he was awful! Called me a waste of space as I couldn’t the bed in my own.

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I meant make the bed. Sorry I am just a mess

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 22:56

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So if you were in my situation and found out your other half who sleeps in your bed was meeting someone for drinks? You would be fine with it?

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Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 22:57

Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 22:56

So if you were in my situation and found out your other half who sleeps in your bed was meeting someone for drinks? You would be fine with it?

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And is that why he is trying to cuddle up to me every night this week? Guilty

OP posts:
Overthewine · 24/04/2022 23:00

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Soultrader · 24/04/2022 23:01

How deceived will your son feel when he finds out his parents wanted to divorce for most of his life but they didn't "for him"? Why do you think this is doing him any good?

Bananarama21 · 24/04/2022 23:01

Your flogging a dead horse, you need to just separate.

Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 23:04

Soultrader · 24/04/2022 23:01

How deceived will your son feel when he finds out his parents wanted to divorce for most of his life but they didn't "for him"? Why do you think this is doing him any good?

You have a point. We sat down with him when he was 9 and said we were separating. We just couldn’t/t go ahead as he was devastated. Dc has grown up a lot and does often comment about his dad going out, drinking etc.
we would prob be better off on our own.

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 23:05

Bananarama21 · 24/04/2022 23:01

Your flogging a dead horse, you need to just separate.

Straight to the point, great comment, thank you x

OP posts:
WhatsitWiggle · 24/04/2022 23:17

Sorry to be brutal but your marriage is over, and it sounds like your husband is ready to move on. You're living separate lives whilst remaining under the same roof.

I totally understand there's no ideal time - I have a 14 year old myself, and we're separating now because I couldn't live a lie for the next 3-5 years. The resentment will build and the environment becomes toxic. Your son is already aware of that, you can tell by his comments. My daughter was the same, and that gave me the impetus to end things - I didn't want her to think this was a model marriage.

whydoesthedog · 24/04/2022 23:28

He told you you were useless when you had a broken wrist? Is he quite often nasty op?

Pickabearanybear · 24/04/2022 23:46

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Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 23:47

whydoesthedog · 24/04/2022 23:28

He told you you were useless when you had a broken wrist? Is he quite often nasty op?

Sadly, yes. He can be.

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Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 23:48

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I really wouldn’t use my son to play us off. He will work things out for himself I am sure. I wish my folks had been honest with me rather than finding out more stuff along the years. I know how much a split hurts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 23:49

Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 23:48

I really wouldn’t use my son to play us off. He will work things out for himself I am sure. I wish my folks had been honest with me rather than finding out more stuff along the years. I know how much a split hurts.

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What I meant was he does play his dads word spelling game on his phone sometimes and is likely to come across messages popping up.

OP posts:
Pickabearanybear · 24/04/2022 23:52

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