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Original poster

Is the start of dh cheating? Dead marriage but plod on ok…

79 replies

Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 20:19

So, we have been married 11 years, together 17 with 1 teenage child.
our marriage has pretty much failed in recent years and we have plodded along for the sake of our child, until he finishes his exams and then we were talking of a gentle way to go our separate ways. We tried to do this when our son was 9 and it broke his heart so we tried again, for his sake (I don’t think it was a good idea on reflection).
given the situation, I don’t think it is right that DH has struck up a friendship of sorts with a lady who is a lot younger…..I found out from snooping at his phone, I had suspicions, he only met her recently through his pals. She has a track record!!
anyway, he has met her twice for a drink and meeting her again soon.
I’m not sure how to deal with this, I don’t want to confront it as I am not emotionally strong enough yet. Do I bide my time and keep an eye on his whereabouts.
I would love to divorce the ar*e off him right now.
I can imagine he will say they are just friends, but even so, he is going behind my back and met her when he was “too busy to pick the DC up from after school).
I am a mess, I know it’s over and I accept that, but not like this.
just looking for words of wisdom and friendly comment.
we are both at mid life age. Different interests in life.

OP posts:
lassof · 24/04/2022 20:23

Why not just officially open up the marriage? It sounds like you are both only waiting to get divorced anyway, so what does it matter? Or ...if it does matter ....are you so sure you want to divorce? Would counselling be worth a go?

gamerchick · 24/04/2022 20:23

Sounds like it died a long time ago. I personally be able to sit on it. He doesn't have the right to start something up while living with you. I'm sorry man.

RoyKentsChestHair · 24/04/2022 20:23

Ah that’s really crap of him. If you’re still in the marriage - regardless of whether you’re limping along until you can split - he’s having an affair. At the moment it may well be ‘just’ an emotional one, but he needs to understand that he’s not actually a single man yet! I think you need to speak to him and say I know we’re not in the best place at the moment, but we need some rules about what is it isn’t acceptable, as I can sense you gearing up for something inappropriate and I’m not ok with it. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. It might be time to go your own ways - if you can stay in the family home and remain amicable it won’t be too much of an upheaval for your DS and it means your h can move on.

gamerchick · 24/04/2022 20:24

*wouldn't

RoyKentsChestHair · 24/04/2022 20:25

lassof · 24/04/2022 20:23

Why not just officially open up the marriage? It sounds like you are both only waiting to get divorced anyway, so what does it matter? Or ...if it does matter ....are you so sure you want to divorce? Would counselling be worth a go?

The big difference is the deceit. If he wanted to open up the marriage he should have talked about it, not snuck about pretending to be “too busy” for family commitments.

Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 20:25

We are past that stage, this is just so wrong. We both got cheated on before in the past and know how much it hurts

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 20:26

gamerchick · 24/04/2022 20:23

Sounds like it died a long time ago. I personally be able to sit on it. He doesn't have the right to start something up while living with you. I'm sorry man.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Mummumtum · 24/04/2022 20:26

Honestly if you’re waiting to divorce and have been for at least 4 years then why does it matter? Just have a grown up conversation about boundaries and how you can amicably separate. Why are you snooping?

CrapBucket · 24/04/2022 20:27

Thats gross. My ex did similar, we were living under same roof but selling the house, he started seeing someone but made it a secret and I was the mug doing school runs whilst he was 'working'.

He is now single and lonely. I am single and love it!! Good luck op.

Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 20:27

RoyKentsChestHair · 24/04/2022 20:25

The big difference is the deceit. If he wanted to open up the marriage he should have talked about it, not snuck about pretending to be “too busy” for family commitments.

Show quote history

Oh but he father perfecto!1 just because he is loaded!… and that’s another subject.

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 20:27

CrapBucket · 24/04/2022 20:27

Thats gross. My ex did similar, we were living under same roof but selling the house, he started seeing someone but made it a secret and I was the mug doing school runs whilst he was 'working'.

He is now single and lonely. I am single and love it!! Good luck op.

Bless your heart x

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 20:28

Mummumtum · 24/04/2022 20:26

Honestly if you’re waiting to divorce and have been for at least 4 years then why does it matter? Just have a grown up conversation about boundaries and how you can amicably separate. Why are you snooping?

Because I felt he was sneaking around and I was going stir crazy wondering wtf.
we sleep in the same bed and he is trying to snuggle up to me this week…the guilt

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 20:30

RoyKentsChestHair · 24/04/2022 20:23

Ah that’s really crap of him. If you’re still in the marriage - regardless of whether you’re limping along until you can split - he’s having an affair. At the moment it may well be ‘just’ an emotional one, but he needs to understand that he’s not actually a single man yet! I think you need to speak to him and say I know we’re not in the best place at the moment, but we need some rules about what is it isn’t acceptable, as I can sense you gearing up for something inappropriate and I’m not ok with it. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. It might be time to go your own ways - if you can stay in the family home and remain amicable it won’t be too much of an upheaval for your DS and it means your h can move on.

Thank you, I am so emotional right now. I know it’s over but this isn’t the way I hoped it would go. My son will be devastated at the deceit. Maybe he will play on his dads phone on his game.

OP posts:
MichaelAndEagle · 24/04/2022 20:33

I think you should talk to him about it. Are you together only in name or do you still share a bed, do couple things, have sex?
Maybe its just time to separate now.

Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 20:39

MichaelAndEagle · 24/04/2022 20:33

I think you should talk to him about it. Are you together only in name or do you still share a bed, do couple things, have sex?
Maybe its just time to separate now.

Well that’s off the radar for the last 3 months. We both had covid. I had been quite rough for 6 weeks.
we do share a bed, he is always out as he loves a good drink!. I am a home body, I do everything with my son.

OP posts:
MermaidEyes · 24/04/2022 20:54

Tbh from your posts it sounds like there's pretty much nothing left in your marriage and you're both wasting precious years where you could be happier separately. If he's going to have an affair then you won't be able to stop him, he'll just sneak around if he has to, especially if he really likes this woman. You say your son is a teenager. Honestly, most teens aren't stupid - they understand a lot more about their parents relationships than we think they do. Personally I think it's time to start thinking about separating properly, so you can both keep a good relationship with your son.

Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 20:59

MermaidEyes · 24/04/2022 20:54

Tbh from your posts it sounds like there's pretty much nothing left in your marriage and you're both wasting precious years where you could be happier separately. If he's going to have an affair then you won't be able to stop him, he'll just sneak around if he has to, especially if he really likes this woman. You say your son is a teenager. Honestly, most teens aren't stupid - they understand a lot more about their parents relationships than we think they do. Personally I think it's time to start thinking about separating properly, so you can both keep a good relationship with your son.

I have a lovely relationship with DC. DC has been making comments about dads drinking and dads going out. I bet DH doesn’t like her, she is just a player and a bunny boiler and will prob offer herself up! She is my polar opposite and definitely not his type at all. I would think when the time comes that my child should know the truth. Personally I would not dream of going for a drink, even an innocent one.

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/04/2022 21:01

I think you need to start to detach. Do you have a spare room? He needs to move into that, if you aren't ready for him to move out.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 24/04/2022 21:07

My son will be devastated at the deceit. Maybe he will play on his dads phone on his game.

OP that sounds like you're considering weaponising your child in order to hurt a man you don't even love. Please don't do that. Your child doesn't need to know the details of your marital breakdown.

Suggest you have an early night and put the drink down and a serious talk tomorrow about agreed behaviour going forward. Time for separate bedrooms and a dont ask dont tell agreement, with pre-agreed division of household chores, admin, and childcare, perhaps? Or maybe its time you both face up to it being over and not put yourselves and your child through the pain of spending the next X years locked in a bitter, resentful battleground?

Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 21:10

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/04/2022 21:01

I think you need to start to detach. Do you have a spare room? He needs to move into that, if you aren't ready for him to move out.

I usually end up there as he won’t budge as it’s his house

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 21:12

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 24/04/2022 21:07

My son will be devastated at the deceit. Maybe he will play on his dads phone on his game.

OP that sounds like you're considering weaponising your child in order to hurt a man you don't even love. Please don't do that. Your child doesn't need to know the details of your marital breakdown.

Suggest you have an early night and put the drink down and a serious talk tomorrow about agreed behaviour going forward. Time for separate bedrooms and a dont ask dont tell agreement, with pre-agreed division of household chores, admin, and childcare, perhaps? Or maybe its time you both face up to it being over and not put yourselves and your child through the pain of spending the next X years locked in a bitter, resentful battleground?

I would not use my child as emotional blackmail. My parents had a nasty split when I was 11 which is still hurting me. I wouldn’t go there.
chores, he does nothing….apart from some of his own ironing as my ironing isn’t as good

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 21:12

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 24/04/2022 21:07

My son will be devastated at the deceit. Maybe he will play on his dads phone on his game.

OP that sounds like you're considering weaponising your child in order to hurt a man you don't even love. Please don't do that. Your child doesn't need to know the details of your marital breakdown.

Suggest you have an early night and put the drink down and a serious talk tomorrow about agreed behaviour going forward. Time for separate bedrooms and a dont ask dont tell agreement, with pre-agreed division of household chores, admin, and childcare, perhaps? Or maybe its time you both face up to it being over and not put yourselves and your child through the pain of spending the next X years locked in a bitter, resentful battleground?

I don’t drink at all….another issue of his. I just don’t enjoy it. I am a right dull arse

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 24/04/2022 21:23

My sister was in exactly the same situation as you, 10 years ago, agreed to stay for the sake of their Dd, she was very unhappy but prepared to put Dd first. She then found out he was having an affair and he walked out on her and said he wanted a divorce. She is so angry that she wasted those years on him.

Could you seek counselling and talk everything through with someone?

Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 21:27

LizzieSiddal · 24/04/2022 21:23

My sister was in exactly the same situation as you, 10 years ago, agreed to stay for the sake of their Dd, she was very unhappy but prepared to put Dd first. She then found out he was having an affair and he walked out on her and said he wanted a divorce. She is so angry that she wasted those years on him.

Could you seek counselling and talk everything through with someone?

I think I need to. It’s knowing where to start. Emotion everywhere at the mo.

OP posts:
Overthewine · 24/04/2022 21:47

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