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Original poster

Is the start of dh cheating? Dead marriage but plod on ok…

79 replies

Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 20:19

So, we have been married 11 years, together 17 with 1 teenage child.
our marriage has pretty much failed in recent years and we have plodded along for the sake of our child, until he finishes his exams and then we were talking of a gentle way to go our separate ways. We tried to do this when our son was 9 and it broke his heart so we tried again, for his sake (I don’t think it was a good idea on reflection).
given the situation, I don’t think it is right that DH has struck up a friendship of sorts with a lady who is a lot younger…..I found out from snooping at his phone, I had suspicions, he only met her recently through his pals. She has a track record!!
anyway, he has met her twice for a drink and meeting her again soon.
I’m not sure how to deal with this, I don’t want to confront it as I am not emotionally strong enough yet. Do I bide my time and keep an eye on his whereabouts.
I would love to divorce the ar*e off him right now.
I can imagine he will say they are just friends, but even so, he is going behind my back and met her when he was “too busy to pick the DC up from after school).
I am a mess, I know it’s over and I accept that, but not like this.
just looking for words of wisdom and friendly comment.
we are both at mid life age. Different interests in life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 24/04/2022 23:53

WhatsitWiggle · 24/04/2022 23:17

Sorry to be brutal but your marriage is over, and it sounds like your husband is ready to move on. You're living separate lives whilst remaining under the same roof.

I totally understand there's no ideal time - I have a 14 year old myself, and we're separating now because I couldn't live a lie for the next 3-5 years. The resentment will build and the environment becomes toxic. Your son is already aware of that, you can tell by his comments. My daughter was the same, and that gave me the impetus to end things - I didn't want her to think this was a model marriage.

it is definitely over now. We always trusted each other 100% and always said it was a great quality to have. I thought maybe one day things would change and he would change.
I have read through her messages and she is doing the chasing but he is still planning on meeting up this week. I mean, calling him sweetheart xxxx

OP posts:
SarahDippity · 24/04/2022 23:59

Can I chip in to offer solidarity and to say I went through very similar. The way I addressed it was head-on: ‘if you wish to go on dates with x, then we need to have a conversation about ending the marriage. If you wish us to meet a mediator, here is a number. I am available on these dates; . It is clear we have reached the end, and to finish things in an orderly manner, this is what must happen.’

in my case, it entailed time and obfuscation. But I was direct and firm, and if you can find words that suit you, rehearse them, and have your say in a few short, final sentences.

sandgrown · 25/04/2022 00:01

As they say on here “get your ducks in a row” in preparation for separation. Don’t say anything until you have copied all important documents. Take a photo of the messages on his phone . Make an appointment to see a solicitor to clarify what you will be entitled to if you split. When you are ready and armed with information tell him you want to separate and what the terms will be . Use your anger to drive you along . Good luck x

Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 25/04/2022 00:12

SarahDippity · 24/04/2022 23:59

Can I chip in to offer solidarity and to say I went through very similar. The way I addressed it was head-on: ‘if you wish to go on dates with x, then we need to have a conversation about ending the marriage. If you wish us to meet a mediator, here is a number. I am available on these dates; . It is clear we have reached the end, and to finish things in an orderly manner, this is what must happen.’

in my case, it entailed time and obfuscation. But I was direct and firm, and if you can find words that suit you, rehearse them, and have your say in a few short, final sentences.

Great advice

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 25/04/2022 00:14

sandgrown · 25/04/2022 00:01

As they say on here “get your ducks in a row” in preparation for separation. Don’t say anything until you have copied all important documents. Take a photo of the messages on his phone . Make an appointment to see a solicitor to clarify what you will be entitled to if you split. When you are ready and armed with information tell him you want to separate and what the terms will be . Use your anger to drive you along . Good luck x

Thank you. I use that saying too. I have taken photos and sent them to a close friend who is saving them for me. Booking a solicitor tomorrow. Might go when he is out on his “date”

OP posts:
SarahDippity · 25/04/2022 00:22

Also, using the word ‘date’ sidesteps an accusation of an affair and focuses on actions rather than denial/she’s just a friend. And if you’re accused of ‘spying’ just say, ‘regardless, we need to have clarity and that’s why we need to have a civilised conversation.’

Villagewaspbyke · 25/04/2022 00:28

omg op you need to separate immediately and stop doing this to your son. You claim you gave a child of 9 the choice over whether you and your dh separate? Really? Or was it because you earn 15k and your dh earns 85k abs you are too scared to leave.

this is abusive to your son. You are not together in any real sense of the word. Your bad relationship is not his fault and not his responsibility. Please break up and let you qnd your dh find happiness

Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 25/04/2022 00:41

Villagewaspbyke · 25/04/2022 00:28

omg op you need to separate immediately and stop doing this to your son. You claim you gave a child of 9 the choice over whether you and your dh separate? Really? Or was it because you earn 15k and your dh earns 85k abs you are too scared to leave.

this is abusive to your son. You are not together in any real sense of the word. Your bad relationship is not his fault and not his responsibility. Please break up and let you qnd your dh find happiness

I wouldn’t say for a second that this is abuse to our ds. That boy is my absolute world and I have tied and tried to make our family work, that I can promise.
yes I am scared of the financial side. Not materialistic about our house, it’s a roof! It’s the things inside that make a home. My husband may put a roof over my head but for 15 years I have had mounting debt, now on a dmp as `I don’t take a penny of his money. I would prob be better off financially on my own but it’s not about that, he may have his Rolex and his flashy trainers but none of that means jack to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 25/04/2022 00:42

Picklybilly88 · 25/04/2022 00:41

I wouldn’t say for a second that this is abuse to our ds. That boy is my absolute world and I have tied and tried to make our family work, that I can promise.
yes I am scared of the financial side. Not materialistic about our house, it’s a roof! It’s the things inside that make a home. My husband may put a roof over my head but for 15 years I have had mounting debt, now on a dmp as `I don’t take a penny of his money. I would prob be better off financially on my own but it’s not about that, he may have his Rolex and his flashy trainers but none of that means jack to me.

Show quote history

We didn’t give ds a choice, we talked as a family and dh and I decided where we would seek to improve our relationship, ds has no part in the break up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 25/04/2022 00:43

SarahDippity · 25/04/2022 00:22

Also, using the word ‘date’ sidesteps an accusation of an affair and focuses on actions rather than denial/she’s just a friend. And if you’re accused of ‘spying’ just say, ‘regardless, we need to have clarity and that’s why we need to have a civilised conversation.’

It’s an emotional affair in my opinion. I wouldn’t do it!! Exchanging song titles that mean something, saying he feels ‘alive and young again”

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 25/04/2022 01:24

OP, despite your protests, it is clear that you would have no problem using your son to 'punish' your DH.
Your DS will take his cues from you and your DH, probably you because it sounds like you have already ensured his 'loyalty' to you. Children can be absolutely fine with separation if each parent puts the child/children first. Not many seem to totally be able to do that. Egos, hurt feelings etc get in the way, always to the detriment of the children.
Stop. Now.
End this farce of a marriage before your son is further damaged by the two of you.

TooManyPJs · 25/04/2022 02:08

You have said yourself it's over and you are just marking time to split. I don't see why it makes any difference tbh.

AffIt · 25/04/2022 02:24

he may have his Rolex and his flashy trainers but none of that means jack to me

On 85k? Come on, I earn that, and I could no sooner buy a Rolex than fly to the moon.

Just admit that you hate the man and get rid before you fuck up your kid's life. You sound horribly bitter.

BadNomad · 25/04/2022 04:36

You separated in August last year. You were going to "take him to the cleaners" then. What changed? Just sort your shit out and end this. You both want out. It's not cheating if the relationship is over.

Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 25/04/2022 07:16

CJsGoldfish · 25/04/2022 01:24

OP, despite your protests, it is clear that you would have no problem using your son to 'punish' your DH.
Your DS will take his cues from you and your DH, probably you because it sounds like you have already ensured his 'loyalty' to you. Children can be absolutely fine with separation if each parent puts the child/children first. Not many seem to totally be able to do that. Egos, hurt feelings etc get in the way, always to the detriment of the children.
Stop. Now.
End this farce of a marriage before your son is further damaged by the two of you.

Doing my upmost to protect my son from lots of things, including his dads drinking. I always have had his back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 25/04/2022 07:16

AffIt · 25/04/2022 02:24

he may have his Rolex and his flashy trainers but none of that means jack to me

On 85k? Come on, I earn that, and I could no sooner buy a Rolex than fly to the moon.

Just admit that you hate the man and get rid before you fuck up your kid's life. You sound horribly bitter.

Yes… He has a Rolex. I have a 5yr old Apple Watch as I am not materialistic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklybilly88 · 25/04/2022 07:18

BadNomad · 25/04/2022 04:36

You separated in August last year. You were going to "take him to the cleaners" then. What changed? Just sort your shit out and end this. You both want out. It's not cheating if the relationship is over.

Exactly, then tried again for the sake of dc.
I have sorted my shit thanks. I know what I am doing now. I can take a lot of shit but that was the final straw.
Not in my agenda to take him to the cleaners but will get what I am entitled to and no more. To be happy and a good mum is the priority.

OP posts:
FleurDeLizz · 25/04/2022 07:38

You seem to think you’ve got some sort of moral high ground yet here you are snooping through his phone it sounds like on a regular basis.

you’ve agreed to separate - given your dc is nearly an adult it probably is time to start thinking about moving on

Soultrader · 25/04/2022 08:45

I really wouldn’t use my son to play us off. He will work things out for himself I am sure. I wish my folks had been honest with me rather than finding out more stuff along the years. I know how much a split hurts

You're not being honest with your son though. So it sounds like history repeating itself.

WTF475878237NC · 25/04/2022 09:15

Why not just ask your husband to sit down and talk and say I think the time has come to split.i know you're meeting this woman and it's made me realise it is time for us to both move forward now. You can still make a plan to split amicably at this point

Don't even mention your son. This is about both of you needing to face the sad reality that your marriage has come to its end.

WTF475878237NC · 25/04/2022 09:17

I do acknowledge this must hurt though and I think it's ok to tell his so. It's one thing to know your marriage is over but it's another entirely to feel it in your heart and have to let go of what was once the best thing in your world.

Villagewaspbyke · 25/04/2022 09:23

even if you didn’t give him the choice, you still (by your own admission) involved a nine year old in the decision whether his parents were to separate. That’s totally inappropriate.

you are not doing any of this for your son. You are doing it for your own comfort as financially you’re better off being married. It must be awful for your son (I have been the child in that situation and it’s miserable).

you have decided to separate. Stop going through your dh phone, stop using your son as a pawn and separate. Try to be happy for your ex dh if he has found happiness elsewhere.

girlmom21 · 25/04/2022 09:27

Jesus just end the relationship. You're all miserable. Life's too short.

Villagewaspbyke · 25/04/2022 09:40

I saw on your other thread that your son is 16. He has been living in a miserable home since at least 9. Please try to be an adult for him and split as amicably as possible. You are not doing any of this for him.

and good to hear this new woman has a “track record”. What distance? 400m?

MermaidEyes · 25/04/2022 09:55

The more updates I read, the more bitter you sound. You honestly should have separated years ago before you ended up hating him. No matter what you think, your feelings will be influencing those of your son. I hope you get a solicitors appointment this week and get the ball rolling.