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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband leaves everything to me unless he's on holiday

82 replies

MakingLifeBetter · 21/04/2022 15:30

So stressed out right now. AIBU?

My husband is a teacher. He is not enjoying the job, says he can't cope with the stress, and is feeling very low as a result. He's applying for new jobs currently. I really feel for him. However, I am getting to the point that I cannot continue in this situation. He is wonderful in the holidays, letting me sleep in in the mornings (I do all night feeds for baby just turned 12m - and always have, so obviously tired), and sharing in the housework. Come term time, he does nothing at all except for bathing kids and story time (when he's around) - otherwise he just goes to work because he has A Job. Last night I was out at a work event and returned late to a table full of dirty plates, a cheese platter left out, mess all over floors, wet laundry left in machine, no clothes that I washed and dried put away. Kids had all been fed, and I'd left him dinner. Result is that today, when I had all three children, I had to slave away on the house instead of giving my children attention, resulting in me feeling really stressed and the kids fighting as they were bored.

It's like this EVERY time he goes back to work and I'm at the point that I can't cope any longer. He also has anger issues, for which he admits he needs help, but he is not doing anything about it.

A couple of nights a week he works late/ does school events and I deal with the kids and dinners for all. The rest of the nights I'll be looking after baby and working myself. I am freelance so I do what I can as we need the money, but I also love what I do. Pre kids my career was a big deal for me, and it still is. However, I struggle to get any time to do my work in the evenings/ weekends/ holidays and end up having to pay childminders or work late.

I am fantasising about leaving him.

OP posts:
MrMrsJones · 21/04/2022 15:37

Divide the household/children chores between you.

He can step up or fuck off

NewandNotImproved · 21/04/2022 15:42

No need to have an angry man in your house, any reason why you’re not divorcing him?

Alcemeg · 21/04/2022 15:42

I don't blame you for fantasising about leaving him, OP! Flowers

He also has anger issues, for which he admits he needs help, but he is not doing anything about it.
Forgive me if I'm wrong, but this suggests that you've having to put up with even more crap than what you've already described, and that you have more or less learned that you must put up or shut up?

The trouble with this sort of unequal relationship is that the assumptions and entitlements that drive his behaviour are very deeply ingrained. So are the patterns you've got into that reinforce the whole dynamic. Changing things for the better is not as easy as it sounds.

I would definitely sit with the idea of leaving him and explore it in more depth when you have time (!!!). You don't have to take immediate action, but keep a close watch on things and don't censor your thoughts or feelings. Keeping a private journal might help.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/04/2022 15:49

I'm assuming when you raise these issues he gets angry so you shut up? Is that about right?

Next time, I'd calmly say, "when you get angry I can't talk about how I feel and it's becoming a serious issue for our marriage". And leave. Because he needs to process that.

Unless you don't feel safe, in which case plan to leave the marriage.

Watchkeys · 21/04/2022 15:53

How do you approach talking to him about it, and how does he approach responding to you?

Troublesometooth · 21/04/2022 15:53

As a fellow teacher I sort of understand. It’s such a difficult job in term time I struggle to cope with the demands of a household as well as work.

Can you divide jobs up and have a rota of who does what?

Original poster
MakingLifeBetter · 21/04/2022 15:57

@Alcemeg Thank you!

I'm not able to shut up, lol. I get upset and voice how I'm feeling. This does not help matters. Sometimes when he's triggered he'll start yelling and throwing stuff around the house, crashing around. Sometimes he'll just snap and yell at everyone because of his work stress, then be feeling guilty. He can't cope with the baby crying - it triggers his rage - so I have to take over if the baby gets upset.

He takes 2 of our 3 to swimming classes weekly and does early morning drop offs so he does do some child chores... He also wangs on about "me time" and his needs for weekends away - and for obvious reasons (baby) that has not been an option for me. Yet :)

OP posts:
NewandNotImproved · 21/04/2022 16:01

That’s domestic violence, then, and exposing kids to it, you should’ve made that clear in OP, because you’ll be getting people writing tips on how to get a bloke to follow a little spreadsheet on basic human functions, when the thread is actually about kids growing up with an angry, violent man.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/04/2022 16:02

Sometimes when he's triggered he'll start yelling and throwing stuff around the house, crashing around.

You know that's abusive, right?

Original poster
MakingLifeBetter · 21/04/2022 16:03

Watchkeys · 21/04/2022 15:53

How do you approach talking to him about it, and how does he approach responding to you?

@Watchkeys I ask for a sit down chat. He says he's overwhelmed, at breaking point with work, will do better. Then leaves it all to me again!! Pattern repeats. We are trying to get him into a different profession. Teaching at schools is so stressful, isn't it @Troublesometooth It is overwhelming. However you can't just eat the dinners you're served and leave the mess for someone else to clear up every night, and expect all your clothes washed and put away every day. By someone who looks after children and also has to work. We will look at chores division and establish a rota. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
MakingLifeBetter · 21/04/2022 16:05

@MrsTerryPratchett not directed at me, not done in front of me to make me threatened. But has done damage. And is not normal. Hence me asking him to get help, about which he agrees, then doesn't follow up.

OP posts:
Original poster
MakingLifeBetter · 21/04/2022 16:07

@NewandNotImproved The throwing things is rare, and is not done around kids. They sleep soundly far away from where it happened. If they were unsafe or disturbed I'd run off with them.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 21/04/2022 16:09

Does he acknowledge your issue? Has he made any suggestions about how you can work this, as a couple? Has he said he's sorry to be putting you in this situation, or does he just let it happen without any acknowledgment of responsibility?

It seems like you've both reached breaking point, and his solution is to push you harder so that he can have a break, is that about right? It feels like it's him v you, rather than the two of you as a team trying to find a solution.

Original poster
MakingLifeBetter · 21/04/2022 16:11

@Watchkeys That's exactly it. It's his way of coping and getting a break.

When I ask him to accept some responsibility he apologises but we return to the same point again and again.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 21/04/2022 16:20

he'll start yelling and throwing stuff around the house, crashing around

Is he two years old???

This seems to be as big of an issue as the rest of your post.

He can't cope with the baby crying - it triggers his rage - so I have to take over if the baby gets upset

Fucking hell. This is bad. He needs to get a grip and get some earplugs if it's affecting him that much. You are having to walk on eggshells because of this.

Honestly, I wish men like this didn't have children. They're too neurotic to cope. Their poor partners have to cope with that as well as the general stresses & strains of being around children. 'Me time'....lol. I feel sorry for you.

Herejustforthisone · 21/04/2022 16:24

He also has anger issues, for which he admits he needs help, but he is not doing anything about it.

when he's triggered he'll start yelling and throwing stuff around the house, crashing around. Sometimes he'll just snap and yell at everyone because of his work stress

He can't cope with the baby crying - it triggers his rage - so I have to take over if the baby gets upset

All of these things worry me. What would happen if you didn’t take over when the baby gets upset? Would he hurt them in his ‘rage’?

Watchkeys · 21/04/2022 16:29

MakingLifeBetter · 21/04/2022 16:11

@Watchkeys That's exactly it. It's his way of coping and getting a break.

When I ask him to accept some responsibility he apologises but we return to the same point again and again.

OK, so he says he's going to act more responsibly and then doesn't. So he's fobbing you off.

You need to tell him that this repeated pattern is a manifestation of him disrespecting your needs, and that you need to be in a relationship that does meet your needs. Tell him it's up to him, and leave it with him, but be prepared to leave if he screws it up. You both have to do your bit, and he's essentially manipulating you so that he doesn't have to do his bit.

The other thing you could do is tell him that you can't do stuff for him if you're having to do everything for all the kids and yourself. Are you still doing his washing, cooking for him, cleaning up his mess? Leave whatever you can. If he wants it to be every man for himself, let him have that. He can't have it both ways.

But don't do anything without explaining to him why. Suddenly not washing his shirts would be very passive aggressive. Let him know you don't have time.

Yoohoo778611 · 21/04/2022 16:30

Stop washing his clothes.
Stop enabling him to treat you like shit.
You are a strong woman do you need another child
because that is what you have.
It doesn't matter if he's stressed he can still
show you some respect.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/04/2022 16:55

He can't cope with the baby crying - it triggers his rage - so I have to take over if the baby gets upset

I think you're in denial about this man.

You are so worried by his anger around a baby (a baby) that you take over. Have a little think about that.

And he's not breaking things in front of you and the children are fast asleep. It's a script.

Original poster
MakingLifeBetter · 21/04/2022 17:04

He says he'll lose his job if he starts doing lots of house work. I've suggested 15min daily - clearing up after himself, washing up, putting some laundry away.

@MrsTerryPratchett I'm giving him an ultimatum - a deadline - to call GP re anger management. I'm going to say by end of tomorrow.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 21/04/2022 17:10

He says he'll lose his job if he starts doing lots of house work

Wow. He's really manipulating you.

What does he spend his time doing when he's at home?

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 21/04/2022 17:14

Bloody hell OP. This is not ok. I'm a teacher and there is a lot of work, but I've also been a SAHM of three and that's bloody hard too. DH works longer hours than me but we both pull our weight at home - that's what a partnership is.

Original poster
MakingLifeBetter · 21/04/2022 17:15

@Watchkeys Generally working tbf (although he prioritised his hair cut yesterday), or sometimes when he's v tired or holding the baby he will watch TV.

I've done the laundry thing when I've got v irritated - telling him I'm leaving his stuff as I don't have time. Still leaves me with bedding and four people's stuff to do lol, but I like clean clothes :)

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 21/04/2022 17:17

Is it possible that, with him working long hours, and you working self employed too, that there actually aren't enough hours for the two of you to get done what you need to do?

stimpyyouidiot · 21/04/2022 17:17

@MakingLifeBetter

@Alcemeg Thank you!

I'm not able to shut up, lol. I get upset and voice how I'm feeling. This does not help matters. Sometimes when he's triggered he'll start yelling and throwing stuff around the house, crashing around. Sometimes he'll just snap and yell at everyone because of his work stress, then be feeling guilty. He can't cope with the baby crying - it triggers his rage - so I have to take over if the baby gets upset.

He takes 2 of our 3 to swimming classes weekly and does early morning drop offs so he does do some child chores... He also wangs on about "me time" and his needs for weekends away - and for obvious reasons (baby) that has not been an option for me. Yet :)

Christ op, that's untenable :(