Husband leaves everything to me unless he's on holiday

[MakingLifeBetter]

So stressed out right now. AIBU?

My husband is a teacher. He is not enjoying the job, says he can't cope with the stress, and is feeling very low as a result. He's applying for new jobs currently. I really feel for him. However, I am getting to the point that I cannot continue in this situation. He is wonderful in the holidays, letting me sleep in in the mornings (I do all night feeds for baby just turned 12m - and always have, so obviously tired), and sharing in the housework. Come term time, he does nothing at all except for bathing kids and story time (when he's around) - otherwise he just goes to work because he has A Job. Last night I was out at a work event and returned late to a table full of dirty plates, a cheese platter left out, mess all over floors, wet laundry left in machine, no clothes that I washed and dried put away. Kids had all been fed, and I'd left him dinner. Result is that today, when I had all three children, I had to slave away on the house instead of giving my children attention, resulting in me feeling really stressed and the kids fighting as they were bored.

It's like this EVERY time he goes back to work and I'm at the point that I can't cope any longer. He also has anger issues, for which he admits he needs help, but he is not doing anything about it.

A couple of nights a week he works late/ does school events and I deal with the kids and dinners for all. The rest of the nights I'll be looking after baby and working myself. I am freelance so I do what I can as we need the money, but I also love what I do. Pre kids my career was a big deal for me, and it still is. However, I struggle to get any time to do my work in the evenings/ weekends/ holidays and end up having to pay childminders or work late.

I am fantasising about leaving him.

No of course not.

But l had evenings where l just couldn’t do stuff because l had so much work. And if the work wasn’t done, there would have been no lessons the next day and then you’re knackered. So sometimes l just didn’t have time for housework. But l would do dishwasher and tidy etc.

But sometimes after starting work at 7.45am, working all day, putting kids to bed and doing school work, if l did loads of chores l would have literally no spare time in the evening. And it was horrible.

And the pressure of trying to work/tidy/deal with kids in the evening was just hideous.

Teaching was originally set up, so teachers worked for 2 hours in the evening. If he’s working in the evenings, he’s doing a job.

I think maybe your compromise is for him to do house stuff on evenings he’s not working.

Actually it’s 16% of teachers.

Loads of people have stressful jobs. Loads of people have to work long days plus evenings and weekends. Loads of people have second jobs to make ends meet. Those people also have to clean up after themselves and care for their kids. Some of those people are single parents and have to do it all alone.
As a family, you need to work out the best way to manage those demands together. It looks like it could be beneficial for you all if you up your working hours to allow him to drop his tuition job, especially if your work is well paid.

@MakingLifeBetter, it definitely sounds like he needs to find another career outside of teaching - it's only a matter of time until that anger spills over into his work, and that won't be good. That in itself is a trial because of the notice periods involved, but it will be something that he needs to do IMO.
And then there's the problem of him seeking help with his anger issues. Sorry to say it, but as much as you think they don't impact on your children, they do, simply because a tense atmosphere makes for tense parents. (I've been there and am now divorced - I'm not suggesting that this is the solution for you, just saying that's how I ended up.)
I suppose it all comes down to whether or not he is a partner in the true sense of the word, shouldering responsibilities and problems alongside you.
If he isn't, maybe it's time to draw the line in the sand and see where it goes.
I sincerely hope it works out for you, but I will say this - yes, teaching is a very stressful job, but it doesn't excuse a lack of care and outbursts towards your family. You and your children deserve much more than that - a calm home with love.
Good luck.

You are married to an abusive man. His job is not an excuse to not wash his pots or put something back in the fridge after he's used it. His job may be busy - plenty of jobs are - but that isn't a reason to do nothing at home.

Even if you accept that teaching is the busiest job there is - I have friends who are both teachers, and their house isn't a slum so I assume they manage to do housework between them. Another friend is a teacher whose husband works away a lot - she manages to look after house and children.

And it's no reason to shout and throw things. If he accepts he has 'anger issues' he has a responsibilty (to you, the children and his job) to do something about it. If he doesn't do something about it, then either he thinks it isn't a big enough problem or he doesn't care about how this is affecting you.

And about those anger issues - does he throw things at his pupils and fellow teacher? If not, that means he can control it, and chooses just to be angry at home.