Husband leaves everything to me unless he's on holiday

[MakingLifeBetter]

So stressed out right now. AIBU?

My husband is a teacher. He is not enjoying the job, says he can't cope with the stress, and is feeling very low as a result. He's applying for new jobs currently. I really feel for him. However, I am getting to the point that I cannot continue in this situation. He is wonderful in the holidays, letting me sleep in in the mornings (I do all night feeds for baby just turned 12m - and always have, so obviously tired), and sharing in the housework. Come term time, he does nothing at all except for bathing kids and story time (when he's around) - otherwise he just goes to work because he has A Job. Last night I was out at a work event and returned late to a table full of dirty plates, a cheese platter left out, mess all over floors, wet laundry left in machine, no clothes that I washed and dried put away. Kids had all been fed, and I'd left him dinner. Result is that today, when I had all three children, I had to slave away on the house instead of giving my children attention, resulting in me feeling really stressed and the kids fighting as they were bored.

It's like this EVERY time he goes back to work and I'm at the point that I can't cope any longer. He also has anger issues, for which he admits he needs help, but he is not doing anything about it.

A couple of nights a week he works late/ does school events and I deal with the kids and dinners for all. The rest of the nights I'll be looking after baby and working myself. I am freelance so I do what I can as we need the money, but I also love what I do. Pre kids my career was a big deal for me, and it still is. However, I struggle to get any time to do my work in the evenings/ weekends/ holidays and end up having to pay childminders or work late.

I am fantasising about leaving him.

Thank you @apricotlane All taken on board. We do need some help, together. I'm willing to put effort in to not trigger him.

And I am aware of his difficulties so will do all I can to support him through the anger management when that comes through. I think it will help a lot, and will reduce the feelings of shame and guilt that follow outbursts. It's long overdue. And also, different type of job.

@Watchkeys Righto then.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow When they are in bed - from 7.30. At least two hours available, especially now the baby is asleep a bit earlier these days. I'm improving at one-handed typing...😏

I'm not able to shut up, lol. I get upset and voice how I'm feeling. This does not help matters. Sometimes when he's triggered he'll start yelling and throwing stuff around the house, crashing around. Sometimes he'll just snap and yell at everyone because of his work stress, then be feeling guilty. He can't cope with the baby crying - it triggers his rage - so I have to take over if the baby gets upset.

This really isn't acceptable. Tell him you're going to call the police the next time he does this and have him removed from the house. The sooner he leaves teaching, the better. He sounds like a safety risk to children - his pupils as well as his own. I don't want to be unpleasant, but what would happen if you suddenly had to go into hospital for a couple of days or something like that? Could you actually trust him to look after the baby safely?

I wonder if he imagines that his female colleagues get to go home and do absolutely nothing around the house/with their children?
DH has a (non teaching) stressful job… they do exist. He regularly works 14 hour days, never manages to take his full 25 days annual leave a year, but still does his share around the house and with the children. And without yelling at us all, too.

Have you heard of the organised mum method? It is great as has a list of tasks related to cleaning. It's been useful in getting the whole family contributing to house work. It might work quite well particularly as you have a cleaner 4 hours a week to do the main bits. Then you and hubby divvy up daily tasks and it is 20 /30 minutes a day of you both keeping up with the household.
I would also have a think about your language re your husband's anger. You said you make an effort not to trigger him? Where as actually the anger is his you have no control over his behaviour. He is triggered and gets angry. You can be a kind and supportive partner as he navigates managing his behaviour but you do not need to take Responsibility for his behaviour. You do not cause him to behave in a certain way.

I should probably bite my tongue, but I’m fed up of teacher martyrdom sometimes. I’m a teacher, I do work hard. But I’ve worked hard in previous professions too. Teaching is tiring but we also only teach 190 out of 365 days. You find ways to lighten the workload and manage your non-teaching hours. I love my job and I give it my all, but I also love my personal life. I, and all my teaching pals, manage to run our households around our jobs. I am exhausted by the end of the week, but I do it because I enjoy the job. If you don’t enjoy the job, it’s not worth it.

He should speak to his union for help managing his workload, a job advisor for a career change and a counsellor for his anger.

@MakingLifeBetter I think it's also worth knowing that some people are genuinely unable to organise themselves in the way that others are. If you're trying to make him do housework to your level and think like you I think it's worth bearing in mind that he is a different person to you (I get that leaving it like a complete dump for you to clear up is not quite so acceptable). I have quite a chaotic mind which has spurts of hyper organisation and then the opposite and I genuinely struggle to compartmentalise - if I have certain tasks something else will have to suffer and sometimes that's the house, meal-planning etc. My friend who is uber-organised and a very diligent homemaker falls apart in different ways but can control her environment even when she's on the edge of life. We're all different.

During my husband's breakdown it was all he could do not to curl up on the floor in tears when he came home from work - he was absolutely exhausted with stress and mental health issues. He needed actual respite and on some level to be looked after - perhaps by his wife (dare I say it on this rabid forum!) It may be worth thinking of him as as ill as that. And if you can't do the extra work then getting some help domestically? Possibly relatives?

How long has this been an issue - the stress, the job, the anger issues?

You’re trying to get him out & into a new job - that’s good. But will take time.

Your work is freelance? Does it pay well if you did have the time to do it? I understand that you love it, and don’t have time to devote to it because children etc but at the root of a lot of this sounds like 2x incompatible job/career ambitions that don’t necessarily pay well if an already stressed teacher who hates his job is tutoring to get extra money - which needs extra time which is taking away from your time you want for your job…

Can you work in an employee FT job? Would this then allow the money for proper childcare or could he take a sabbatical and be SAHD?

I’m definitely not excusing his anger issues but it sounds like there is breadwinner stress from him mixed in with you sort of being a SAHP but resenting that role when you’re also trying to work - your division of labour is not clear, is what I’m trying to say, and clarity might help.

@apricotlane I'm not super diligent and I'm pretty relaxed but there are unacceptable levels of mess at home, and I am here every day with a baby or three kids and can't go out and ignore it all.

My husband is certainly not at that level, thankfully. I've been with him a long time and he finds life hard to cope with - as soon as there's any stress he is unable to cope. He was having a super time driving fast go-karting a few days ago, and hanging out with family and now he's back at work the stress has recommenced. I feel there are solutions to the way he is feeling. Only he can solve these unfortunately as I can only urge him to get counselling and to apply for jobs. I'm not long surfaced from several months of PND (low level after first few weeks thankfully) so I'm no stranger to mental health struggles.

DH is currently stood ironing a pile of about 40 shirts that he's let build up. They've been sat there for nearly 6 weeks. I think his idea was that if it sat there long enough, I'd crack and do it all for him. He's got a face like a bulldog chewing on a wasp

I'm his wife, not his slave.

Stop being a doormat and he'll stop walking all over you. And work stress is a load of bollox, everyone has stress. I bet your stress levels on a daily basis are treble that of his, but are you stomping around like Mrs Angry?

@NoSquirrels as a teacher, his breadwinner job is not enough to cover mortgage, bills, food etc. I don’t need to be an employee as I have a very successful business when I do it. I can earn well on the jobs I do. The tutoring however brings back a few pounds to cover the weekly cleaner. I grateful to him for working to support us. But we need my earnings too even if they are reduced because of the baby. I can work around school collection, bring up our gorgeous baby and keep my business ticking along so that I can ramp it up in the future when we are all ready. I lost a v lucrative client when I had kids off school with sickness for many days and DH was unable to take any time off to look after them

@Badger1970 I love that image of your husband and his enormous pile of ironing! Thanks for making me laugh. My husband will take out ironing board every morning to iron ONE shirt. The inefficiency!!

I’m quite snappy today with my kids but no, not Mrs Angry.

But I guess what I’m saying is, you’re trying to do two things with this statement “I can work around school collection, bring up our gorgeous baby and keep my business ticking along so that I can ramp it up in the future when we are all ready.“ You’re trying to be present and in the SAHP role of being there for the children, but actually what you need is more income to allow you all to get a better work-life balance - your DH doesn’t seem genuinely to be able to give you the luxury of ramping it up “when you’re all ready” - maybe that time is now that you need to be doing it? Because the part-time ticking along of the business is actually causing conflict in some ways when, during term time, your DH can’t “pull his weight” - and you do seem to accept it’s genuinely stress not laziness because he’s different in the holidays.

I get that’s not ideal, to think that your career stuff might also be part of the problem, especially when you love it and he hates his job, and you want to present for your young children. But sometimes the ideal is not possible and we have to rethink. That’s why I’m wondering if you can take on the fixed safe income role for a bit?

(btw my DH had a breakdown when my DC were very small and it was scary and awful and I did resent him for it, which is not great to admit but nevertheless, we are human!)

Is there a way for you to ramp it up now, so that he can ditch the tutoring? As the arrangement isn’t working as it is currently.

@NoSquirrels I see your point. Baby has just turned one so what I should probs do is book a regular childminder one or two days a week and take on more work rather than trying to squeeze it into evenings etc. But he still needs to clean up! It doesn’t change that.

I think the unfortunate thing is he has at times been lazy with work and is now feeling the result and pressure and trying to turn it around 😔

Thank you everyone. Some lovely suggestions and empathy for me/ him/ us both. I appreciate it xx

@ReadyToMoveIt yes you’re probs right - see above. Third and last baby... hard to leave him!!

Could you not be the main earner if you’re job is well paying? If he needs his evening for prep ( and as a teacher you do, otherwise everything just falls apart) then it might be easier if he stayed at home or did supply or whatever.

That would get him out. Teaching is just horrible at the moment. If kids fail it’s your fault for not doing the work, and of course kids fail all the time. It’s a really unpleasant working atmosphere that destroys people.

Im on a fb group called ‘Get out of teaching’ it’s got something like 50,000 desperate teachers on it.

Which is about 10% of the country’s teachers.

Are you a SAHM effectively? If so, would expect you to do more of the chores.
That said, am a bit ?! that teaching is so stressful it leaves him unable to do any chores. What job is he applying for that he thinks will be significantly less stressful?

Is he doing school work in the evenings? Is this why he can’t do chores? He puts the kids to bed and stuff!

@user1506328491 yes I’m pretty much SAHM earning a third of what I did pre baby... of course I do most of the chores! But even pre kids he wouldn’t have had his meals presented to him, all his laundry done and expected me to clear his dishes after, do all washing up and put away all his clothes 😅Add night feeds, three kids to take care of etc - it’s no party

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow So if you’re a teacher you get to shirk all your own clearing up duties? Just no.

so depressing about teachers. It’s one of the most important jobs. Key workers.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow Three times a week but rarely the baby (unless I’m on a rare night out/ work event). Baby is with me most of the time