Husband leaves everything to me unless he's on holiday

[MakingLifeBetter]

So stressed out right now. AIBU?

My husband is a teacher. He is not enjoying the job, says he can't cope with the stress, and is feeling very low as a result. He's applying for new jobs currently. I really feel for him. However, I am getting to the point that I cannot continue in this situation. He is wonderful in the holidays, letting me sleep in in the mornings (I do all night feeds for baby just turned 12m - and always have, so obviously tired), and sharing in the housework. Come term time, he does nothing at all except for bathing kids and story time (when he's around) - otherwise he just goes to work because he has A Job. Last night I was out at a work event and returned late to a table full of dirty plates, a cheese platter left out, mess all over floors, wet laundry left in machine, no clothes that I washed and dried put away. Kids had all been fed, and I'd left him dinner. Result is that today, when I had all three children, I had to slave away on the house instead of giving my children attention, resulting in me feeling really stressed and the kids fighting as they were bored.

It's like this EVERY time he goes back to work and I'm at the point that I can't cope any longer. He also has anger issues, for which he admits he needs help, but he is not doing anything about it.

A couple of nights a week he works late/ does school events and I deal with the kids and dinners for all. The rest of the nights I'll be looking after baby and working myself. I am freelance so I do what I can as we need the money, but I also love what I do. Pre kids my career was a big deal for me, and it still is. However, I struggle to get any time to do my work in the evenings/ weekends/ holidays and end up having to pay childminders or work late.

I am fantasising about leaving him.

@Watchkeys Yup, that's the case. But something daily makes a difference. We would love an au pair but not enough funds. We have a cleaner four hours a week - still not enough.

But he has weekends away?

@Watchkeys he had one, is planning another - he keeps nagging about it!

@Watchkeys and been away at his parents for a break (taking two kids not the baby)

Why is he nagging? Are you in charge of him, and not letting him go?

Why are you expected to work and do childcare and do housework while he think he only has to work? Who does he think has to do the job of 2 adults at home, including picking up after an oversized child by the sound of it, if he isn't pulling his weight?

Everyone is stressed, but not everyone has the option of opting out, which is what he appears to be doing.

Anger management phone call tomorrow or tell him to pack his damn bags and get out.

Hence me asking him to get help, about which he agrees, then doesn't follow up
Shocker. If you love him and want to make it work I’d suggest it was ultimatum time. And mean it.

@Watchkeys ha, good point. The dates he's suggested have been bang in the middle of the half term, when I am hoping we'll be having a holiday as a family (i'm in the process of trying to sort). I've asked him to come up with alternative dates as I know it's important for him. Meanwhile he's had nights out.

I've read enough. It's not going to get nay better for you. He is a shit partner who repeatedly evidences this. Your call but I'd be offering the ultimatum as previously suggested and then leaving when he fails to live up to it, which he will.

What does he think all his female colleagues do during term time? Does he honestly think they all have husbands doing 100% of their housework and childcare so they don't have to lift a finger?!

...but that's besides the point really because of his temper. I wouldn't live with an angry, violent man who can't control himself. I also don't think he should be working with children.

OK, so he's having nights out, and weekends away, so the fact that when he's home he's mostly working isn't really relevant, is it? Because he's often choosing not to be at home.

So next time when he's going out, ask him straight: Are you prioritising going out, knowing that it'll leave me with your share of the housework? And do you feel ok about doing that?

What will he say/do?

I think I need to see the hours you both work, what each of you do in the home/for the children and what free time you both have.

That aside, I'd leave his abusive arse.

Poor bloke. Sounds like the last thing he needs is his wife to leave him over some dirty dishes and being crap at laundry. But the advice on here will be generally that on some level he's a shitty abuser and that you should leave him. He sounds like he tries really hard to make up for it in the holidays. The anger thing is a bit different and he needs some help but it may be that you're not fully aware of how much he's going through either. Listen to him when he says he's overwhelmed. It's a real thing. My husband died from a breakdown. Life was hard while he was having said breakdown but it wasn't always him and more about what he was going through.

Get some marital counselling and get it all out with a mediator.

Get a proper system going, not just one where you dictate. Try and work together so he can do what he can manage.

I leave plates out quite frequently and get round to them when I can manage. Sometimes my house is not shipshape. Sometimes I manage and clean very well. Sometimes I'm knackered and feel ill so I lapse a bit. Kinda glad sometimes that there isn't anyone there to crack the whip!

Is it possible that, with him working long hours, and you working self employed too, that there actually aren't enough hours for the two of you to get done what you need to do?

I wonder this too.

I was a teacher, it’s a hateful hateful job that sucks all the life out of you. I would be too exhausted to move sometimes when l got in. However, I’m much older than your Dh.

Have you asked him why he is different in the holidays. Fwiw both my dc said l was nice mummy in the holidays and horrible in terms time. And l was.

He needs to get out of the job,

Poor bloke. Sounds like the last thing he needs is his wife to leave him over some dirty dishes and being crap at laundry
Lol. You might want to read the full thread about how he has an anger issue, throws things and refuses to get help.

@SnowingInApril I did. I mentioned it. And 'anger problem' is also another overused term. He's at the end of his ability to cope clearly and needs some help. They both do. On here if a man has dared to express anger ever to his wife he is an abusive shit who needs ditching. I'm simply questioning that stock response.

What kind of jobs is he applying for? Other teacher jobs? Can you afford for him to take a pay cut?

Can you afford a cleaner?

I do one wash a day in a house of 4. Obviously extra for beds and towels.

I meal prep, batch cook, order food online. Prepare 3 sets of clothes for kids on a Sunday and school snacks on top. All cuts down on the time i need to do things in the week.

I'm on my own for weeks at a time when OH is offshore. Two kids and work full time. Service manager running a school so I can imagine he's stressed but he needs to get a grip. Why is he doing extra hours? Is he taking on extra responsibilities or is he just lazy and unorganised at work too?

If no one is in 5 days a week the cleaning etc should be relatively manageable.

He can't treat you like a maid or be aggressive.

He needs to address his work situation with his employer too.

@apricotlane I am so so sorry about your husband.
I don't want to leave him. I've given him an ultimatum to sort himself out for all our sakes. I believe he will do it. He is not an abuser and he does try in the holidays. Life is tough and I know he's having a bad time. But we are back here every term time and he falls apart. Organisation and planning is not his forte. We will try to work together through all this.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I understand. Thankless job I think. We are trying to get him out, and into higher education. I'm sorry that you had a rough time in teaching too. he's exactly that - wonderful company in the holidays for the most part! We enjoyed lockdown, both working and teaching online!

@apricotlane

Poor bloke

Aside from all the other stuff, he is manipulating OP so that he gets a break and she doesn't. He's not a poor bloke. He's a bloke who is shirking his responsibilities and refusing to find a way to deal with them, preferring to skive the housework whilst his wife washes his pants.

Both need to accept an appropriate level of responsibility here. It's not wife v husband.

@Watchkeys Ok watchkeys, you sound really like you have men all figured out huh. They never have any problems or nothing - they're just manipulators, abusers and should automatically be able to cope with life. That's what you're saying.

No.

@katieg03 I work from home and around the kids especially the baby, v limited childcare. We make quite a mess during the day! Life would be easier if baby went into nursery but that's expensive.

I can imagine it's hard for you having OH offshore. That sounds intense.

I'm organised with meals, but could be more organised getting kids' clothes ready :) He wants to earn extra so does some extra tuition but I'm asking him to cut back on that. He could be more efficient with his work but it does involve a lot of planning which he's let slide hence now worrying about his job.

i used to spend most evenings planning. My position would have been sliding too. Most teachers do a couple of hours work in the evening.

What you've said here doesn't correlate at all to what I've said. But I was talking to OP, not you, so it doesn't really matter. Conflate away!

@MakingLifeBetter Thank you. Many divorces happen when the kids are little - it seems like it will never end. But he has 3 children who presumably he loves, and he's helping provide for them.

I really would recommend you both get marital help. With respect you may not be aware of your impact on him either.

My husband was a lovely and gentle man who changed quite dramatically when he had a breakdown. But I do wish I'd been better at understanding it and I was very much consumed with looking after my daughter and I didn't know much about mental health at that time.

Patience. Patience and empathy. It's not popular advice on here but it's what I would give. I hope things improve.

You say you want to work evenings too?

it’s very very difficult with children if you both want to work in the evening