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Original poster

Shared a bed with married colleague…

114 replies

Bueno89 · 20/04/2022 08:43

I started a new job a few months ago and found myself to gravitate towards a more senior married male colleague at monthly post-work drinks - we had a lot of banter.

Fast forward to last week where we’re attending an exhibition for the company and I get stuck with a colleague me and the more senior colleague have a mutual dislike for in the evening - the more senior colleague then invites me back to his hotel to have dinner with him to ‘rescue’ me. I get an Uber to the station to get my train home but I missed my train and the hotel my colleague was staying in had no rooms left available. He insisted he would sleep on the floor and I could have the bed so we did that and just spent ages chatting. However, he then got uncomfortable so joined me on the bed.

it got touchy so he brought up that it was crossing a line as both work and the fact he is married with kids and I’m in a long term relationship. We discussed we had both thought about it but he said he didn’t think it would ever happen as I was ‘young and hot’ and because of our relationships. We ended up kissing and a lot of touching but I stopped it going further and explained aside from morally, I also didn’t want to ruin our working relationship. I asked if he would feel guilty after and he didn’t know but said he just knew it would be really good.

I insisted we shouldn’t despite attempts and then in the morning I ended up doing engaging in foreplay. We then didn’t really talk about it until he left and said it wouldn’t be weird at work etc. he then hugged me and said to let him know I had got home.

We’ve messaged back and forth a little in Teams at work but haven’t discussed what happened. It’s still jokey but I feel awkward that things won’t be the same when we’re back in the office. He hasn’t increased how often we chat or changed his demeanour.

The worst part is that I have no regret as to what happened and feel like I wish I had let it go further. I can’t stop thinking about it and don’t know if I should bring it up when I next see him. He hasn’t said anything, but I don’t know if it’s because I insisted on it not happening so he thinks there’s no chance or it might make me uncomfortable, or if he just regrets it? I don’t know if it was an ego boost or if he would ever want more.

OP posts:
Greyhop · 20/04/2022 15:47

@Bueno89

This was always going to invoke Mumsnet wrath, and you’ll get some very angry responses from those who have been through the pain of an affair.

If you pursue this further, it is very likely to cause a great deal of pain for you, him and his family. This is the beginning of an affair and needs to be nipped in the bud.

He has children. Their emotional well being I would put first and foremost here. An affair could destroy their home, stability and security.

And then think about what you want for your future. I know two people who have started relationships in this way. One never ended up having children of her own as the man already had children. She desperately wanted children. The second - she was the young/hot one he left his wife for - and they now have two children. He buys her gym equipment and insists that she uses it so she stays ‘young and hot’. She looks frazzled, doesn’t eat and looks constantly on edge. One day, in his eyes - she won’t be young and hot - and I wonder what he’ll do then?

You have your life ahead of you. You could make a very damaging choice here - or you could hold back, and find someone who doesn’t see ‘cheating on his wife’ as an acceptable way to behave, someone with integrity - and someone who will provide all the love and support you need to build a family and home of your own.

Glamora · 20/04/2022 15:58

VeganGod · 20/04/2022 11:04

Maybe not. But, often people that love the excitement of an affair seek attention and drama elsewhere in their lives too. It doesn’t matter if it’s negative attention as long as it’s all about them.

Show quote history

or if it happened....

Catlover1970 · 20/04/2022 17:22

I think it must be made up. Nobody is that cheap and ridiculous

Carliforniansunsets · 20/04/2022 17:30

Think it’s time you left your partner so they can go find someone more worthy than you!

me4real · 20/04/2022 17:38

10 points to Gryffindor!

Wouldn't it be Slytherin?

HereticRose · 20/04/2022 17:39

Wow, that sounds super-sexy and romantic. You must be HAWT.

Grow up.

Sarkymarky · 20/04/2022 17:48

Ask yourself what you would do if your partner had behaved like you

DomingoinLittleOakley · 20/04/2022 18:06

This him OP?

Shared a bed with married colleague…
JulyIsMyMonth · 21/04/2022 18:22

The comments on here 🤦🏻‍♀️ OP you made a mistake ... I've been on your side of things (and regretted it and learnt)

You'll learn that what you have done is probably one of the biggest mistakes of your life. Make things better and go NC with this man. Move on and find someone who isn't married. It won't end well.

AmberLynn1536 · 21/04/2022 18:25

I feel like I need a shower after reading that grubby OP.

JulyIsMyMonth · 21/04/2022 18:29

OP has disappeared now though!

Naughtygal · 21/04/2022 18:32

Try and pretend like nothing has happened and move on at work. Don't let it go further than it already has and cross that line.

I say that because I know how married men are.
I first slept with a guy not knowing he was married and I found out by seeing a photo of him wearing wedding ring. I was not happy but said he was separated.
Then he said he was going home to his wife. I was mad and cut him off.
Another I did get involved with know he was married but again he was going through issues with his wife. Said he drank because of her.
My point is something needs fixing in his marriage and you can't fix that issue only you be used until they sort it out. Then once you fall for him he will back off.
While you got very close and stop it you probably got the thrill of that moment of kissing,touching, foreplay and you probably can't get it out of your head. Please get him them moments out your head. The grass not greener.
One of these married men was physically abusive to his wife and just a drunk. I honestly can't believe from what I know he that man I slept with. I feel sorry for his wife and kids. But I stopped it and it doesn't make it right.
I think you might need to be honest with your partner. It will come out and hurt everyone.Leave your job if you have too.
Can't be the other woman - changing faces comes to mind.
Just please don't start feeling something for him.

ladydimitrescu · 21/04/2022 18:39

@me4real

10 points to Gryffindor!

Wouldn't it be Slytherin?

Oi! Im a slytherin, op wouldn't be allowed to sit with us 😅
AmandaMirandaPanda · 21/04/2022 18:42

I’m in a long term relationship.

I have no regret as to what happened and feel like I wish I had let it go further.

I'd figure this bit out before anything else. ^

However: if the senior colleague is your boss or someone higher up in the chain, I'd say you have to deal with it. If not, best to leave it alone. Even assuming you work for a mythically perfectly-unsexist company, he is senior/he's been there longer/he's a family man and you have a "relationship". This scenario is really, really common (have you ever been to a multi-day "business conference"?) He's not going to be the one dealing with any fallout if the two of you proceed.

Ponderingwindow · 21/04/2022 18:57

For your personal relationship: you either need to break up with your long term relationship or start applying for new jobs.

for your career: start looking for a new job. If this comes out, you probably won’t face any official repercussions as the junior staffer. Unofficially, it could potentially destroy your career. You need a new job and to distance yourself from this colleague as much as possible.

as for him: I really don’t care. He is responsible for the fallout. It is unfortunate that if he loses his career if this is Interpreted as an abuse of his senior position, that his wife and children might not get adequate financial support.

HisHX · 21/04/2022 18:57

I bet his wife doesn’t understand him and they haven’t had sex in years, right?
That’s the way the cliche goes.

ExcitedRabbit · 21/04/2022 18:59

I don’t understand why you didn’t get a taxi or call your DP to collect you when you missed your train? This is what someone who didn’t want to be in a situation where they cheated on their partner would have done. You are either incredibly naive or kidding yourself that this was some kind of accident.

WonderingWanda · 21/04/2022 19:04

He is a disgusting sleeze and you are a naive idiot op. How can you frame this as if nothing happened? You aren't at school anymore, chesting in relationships isn't measured by whether you kissed with tongues or not. You do not need a relationship with a man that treats his wife this way and you do not want to be the other woman. Keep away from him and look for a new job. While you're at it have a long think about how much you respect your own partner.

CountTheStars · 21/04/2022 19:41

Meh, tale as old as time. He’ll not leave his wife for you, you’ll end up with a broken heart & full of deep regret.

Run for the hills!

tkwal · 21/04/2022 19:48

FayCarew
Do you need a periodontist to get your tongue out of your cheek ?

OP total cliche, exact illustration of playing with fire . Either leave your partner or find a new job

Staffy1 · 21/04/2022 19:53

Regardless of the morals of what you've done, how can you still fancy such a piece of crap? Set your bar higher

Birds of a feather?

Lana07 · 21/04/2022 20:04

I agree.

How would you feel if your partner did to you what you have done to him?

Knifer · 21/04/2022 20:13

Ok, here's what you do. You tell him that if he tells his wife, you'll shag him. And that if he doesn't tell his wife, you will not shag him. You'll find out pretty fast if he values his marriage above a casual easy lay. If he values his marriage above you, tell his wife what happened and see if she prizes herself higher than being the wife of someone who fiddled around with some office strange. Then he probably won't shag you, but honestly, mens standards can go very low when they think there's an available receptacle so there's always a chance.

If he shags you, you both tell your partners.

How exciting!

FriedTomatoe · 21/04/2022 20:13

You need to ask yourself why you're doing this. Happy people don't look for affection elsewhere.

I think the main thing you need to learn from this is that it won't end well. 6 years ago I had a fling with a man who had a long-term partner. I never wanted or expected it to last and I finished it before it developed into anything physical but even that was enough to wreak havoc with my mental health. I had nightmares about it for months - it sounds like a weird thing to say but men like this, see a vulnerable woman and groom them for an affair. Don't think he hasn't done it before because he probably has. If he knows what he's doing you could end up losing your job over this as he will make you the villain.

Naughtygal · 21/04/2022 20:15

ExcitedRabbit · 21/04/2022 18:59

I don’t understand why you didn’t get a taxi or call your DP to collect you when you missed your train? This is what someone who didn’t want to be in a situation where they cheated on their partner would have done. You are either incredibly naive or kidding yourself that this was some kind of accident.

Who knows what situation you find yourself in tommorow. Or next week or next year.
You could have a thing happen that's not expected.
She will learn from her mistake and of she does sleep with him it's a choice which she will learn from.

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