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Original poster

Help me seduce my friend

79 replies

thatsmychair · 19/04/2022 16:24

I’m recently out of a long term relationship at 48 (sexless for a number of years and essentially dead for a long time, though we remain good friends and are co-parenting our two teenaged children). Over the last couple of years I have become close to one of the school dads (he’s single) and would like to take things further… but though I suspect I would be in with a good chance, I am paralysed with terror at the thought of making any kind of move. I frequently realise after the event that I ran from a situation that had the potential to lead somewhere, though at the time I was oblivious to the fact that I was doing this.
This is so frustrating, particularly as I am generally thriving: after many years of feeling trapped in a relationship that was not right and living a shadow of the life I wanted, I feel as though a weight has lifted and the world is my oyster; I have spent years locked in on myself but was able to open up to this man in a way I hadn’t to anyone for many years, and this has shown me another way of engaging with the world; I feel better about my appearance than I have for years and am aware of male attention for the first time in ages… I want to seize the opportunities that life throws at me – yet the thought of revealing to this man that I want to shag him senseless terrifies me. I’ve been obsessing about it like a lovesick teenager for months, trying to read every little sign for clues as to his feelings about me, or rehearsing what I might say in particular situations – I desperately need to snap myself out of this with some decisive action…. Please help…

OP posts:
MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 19/04/2022 16:26

I wouldn't, not a school dad anyway, not unless you are 100 %sure the feeling is mutual. In fact it's giving me anxiety just thinking about it!!

Original poster
thatsmychair · 19/04/2022 16:28

Kids no longer at primary... part of a wider social network. Think perhaps the school dad thing is a bit of a red herring...

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 19/04/2022 16:31

Just ask him if fancies catching up over a drink... keep it casual then see how it goes.., get a little bit flirty and boom!

Fireyflies · 19/04/2022 16:32

I think you're probably better off trying a bit of light flirting or inviting him along to something that isn't exactly a date and taking it from there - eg a gig or some common interest. At least that's what I did when finding myself single again as a parent and a bit out of practice. It usually worked - I had a few short term things before meeting (now) DH. I've never had the nerve to just charge in with "I find your really attractive" and the one time someone did that to me I ran for the hills as it caught me off guard!

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 19/04/2022 16:32

Ask him out via text for a drink. Keep it very simple and don't put pressure on the situation. It's clear what you're asking for and if he says no then you know where you stand.

Greatoutdoors · 19/04/2022 16:36

Ooh, following this! I’m in a very similar situation. It’s terrifying isn’t it? And although every feminist bone in my body tells me it’s perfectly fine for the woman to make the first move, I don’t seem to be able to bring myself to….

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 19/04/2022 16:38

@thatsmychair

Kids no longer at primary... part of a wider social network. Think perhaps the school dad thing is a bit of a red herring...
Ah right, crack on then Grin
YRGAM · 19/04/2022 16:45

I'd just ask him out for a drink and take it from there, you'll know very quickly if he's interested or not! Please don't worry about it, a lot of men (myself included) very much appreciate directness. He may well be wondering the exact same thing

SarahBellam · 19/04/2022 17:07

‘Hi Gary, are you about on Friday evening? Fancy a drink and a catch-up?’

waterSpider · 19/04/2022 17:12

Asking for a drink is possible. Or you could find a reason to need his 'male' strength -- could he help you move a sofa/furniture in your place, to be rewarded with a hot drink? Help get rid of some rubbish, etc.

stripeyflowers · 19/04/2022 17:28

Yes keep it as low key and casual as possible then it won't be a case of feeling embarrassed at the school gate if it goes pear-shaped.

CrowAndArrow · 19/04/2022 17:33

Low key and get the feelers out. Do you meet up with him socially ?

Original poster
thatsmychair · 19/04/2022 17:42

@Fireyflies

I think you're probably better off trying a bit of light flirting or inviting him along to something that isn't exactly a date and taking it from there - eg a gig or some common interest. At least that's what I did when finding myself single again as a parent and a bit out of practice. It usually worked - I had a few short term things before meeting (now) DH. I've never had the nerve to just charge in with "I find your really attractive" and the one time someone did that to me I ran for the hills as it caught me off guard!
I think you're right. We already spend a lot of time together 1-1, but almost always sitting round his kitchen table chatting. A change of scene and shared activity might change the dynamic and make things easier.
OP posts:
CPL593H · 19/04/2022 17:44

Be straightforward and breezy. If there is some new place locally(ish) that serves drinks/coffee/food, not too difficult to ask if he fancies trying it out

In my experience if men are interested, they will fall like hungry lions on any crumbs you offer and if he isn't, it will be obvious without being embarrassing for either of you.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 19/04/2022 17:44

What Sarah B said
Be prepared for a rejection (not saying that to be negative !) but it’s 50%
And if not , get out there a bit !

Original poster
thatsmychair · 19/04/2022 17:53

Some helpful advice here, thanks. I already see him socially a fair amount, including frequent long evenings putting the world to rights round his kitchen table... often just the two of us, sometimes with other mutual friends / friends of his. We talk about all sorts, and it often gets quite personal and intimate, but I am utterly clueless when it comes to the next step, and am terrified of completely misreading the situation and / or coming across as desperate and needy. I just want to tap into the inner empowered and confident woman capable of taking charge of the situation and making my feelings clear. I feel sure she's in there somewhere...

OP posts:
CPL593H · 19/04/2022 18:08

Serious question, what have you picked up on that makes you think you're "in with a good chance"? Because if you have got that vibe, you're probably right, in this kind of situation. He could well be a nice guy who being aware that you are not long out of a bad relationship feels equally tentative.

Onthedunes · 19/04/2022 18:50

including frequent long evenings putting the world to rights round his kitchen table... often just the two of us

Sounds like you're already there, you see him more than some married couples do.

Surely if there is constant inuendo and personal intimate conversations you are already on the journey. Go for a drink together, I'm sure he'll let you know.

Good luck

Original poster
thatsmychair · 19/04/2022 20:03

@CPL593H

Serious question, what have you picked up on that makes you think you're "in with a good chance"? Because if you have got that vibe, you're probably right, in this kind of situation. He could well be a nice guy who being aware that you are not long out of a bad relationship feels equally tentative.
Mainly just the general sense that we enjoy each other's company - conversation is often very animated, and I notice that he frequently mirrors my body language. Laughs at my jokes. Frequently revisiting conversations and picking up where we left off - a feeling that we have more to say to each other about stuff... but on the other hand - no physical contact or concrete evidence that he is physically attracted to me...
OP posts:
Eddielizzard · 19/04/2022 20:08

How does it work out that you're over at his? Can you ask him to yours for dinner? Or out for a drink? Or when you're at his say 'you know I feel like getting out. Do you have a local pub?'

TheVolturi · 19/04/2022 20:30

You could possibly mention that you've been asked on a date by someone else and see what his reaction is?

Fireyflies · 19/04/2022 20:47

@TheVolturi

You could possibly mention that you've been asked on a date by someone else and see what his reaction is?
That might backfire - if a man said that to me, I'd read it as a sign be wasn't interested
meditrina · 19/04/2022 20:49

get the feelers out

I must have a really filthy mind!

StrongerOrWeaker · 19/04/2022 21:05

As you have been in his space, I would shift that- invite him to yours for a meal/ a restaurant of your choosing/ drinks at a club/bar of your your choosing. Good luck 😃

houseonthehill · 19/04/2022 21:12

If you're already having long talks into the night at the kitchen table, suggesting a relocation to a pub isn't signalling much.

Why not just ask outright? He's just another human. Either tell him that you fancy him and ask how he feels about that... or say/text 'I reckon we should go out on a date - what do you think?'

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