Help me seduce my friend

[thatsmychair]

I’m recently out of a long term relationship at 48 (sexless for a number of years and essentially dead for a long time, though we remain good friends and are co-parenting our two teenaged children). Over the last couple of years I have become close to one of the school dads (he’s single) and would like to take things further… but though I suspect I would be in with a good chance, I am paralysed with terror at the thought of making any kind of move. I frequently realise after the event that I ran from a situation that had the potential to lead somewhere, though at the time I was oblivious to the fact that I was doing this.
This is so frustrating, particularly as I am generally thriving: after many years of feeling trapped in a relationship that was not right and living a shadow of the life I wanted, I feel as though a weight has lifted and the world is my oyster; I have spent years locked in on myself but was able to open up to this man in a way I hadn’t to anyone for many years, and this has shown me another way of engaging with the world; I feel better about my appearance than I have for years and am aware of male attention for the first time in ages… I want to seize the opportunities that life throws at me – yet the thought of revealing to this man that I want to shag him senseless terrifies me. I’ve been obsessing about it like a lovesick teenager for months, trying to read every little sign for clues as to his feelings about me, or rehearsing what I might say in particular situations – I desperately need to snap myself out of this with some decisive action…. Please help…

^^ I think so too
I think inadvertently you've given him signals you aren't interested by freezing etc
It's time to be honest....what's suggested there is a good suggestion
You could even WhatsApp it if you are really terrified

Just go out and get pissed together and if it's meant to be you'll end up shagging (or at the very least snogging)!

You're thinking about this FAR too much!

PS. I know everyone's different but I'd be seriously put off by a guy who hadn't made his feelings clear if he liked me at this stage - I'd assume he wasn't interested in that way 🤷‍♀️

OH, OP, wish you good luck!

I sometimes am in a similar position and I find all the right answers an hour later on my way home. 🙄

From your update, I'd say he doesn't know where he stands with you. You need to make a move, or at least give him an opening.

Dare you to text him: "In the interests of being unguarded, I really like you." Add, "See you on [next scheduled meeting]", or be brave "Fancy a drink?"

Im not the most forthcoming about my feelings at the stage you're at, so my usual trick is to lean in for a good night hug/kiss on the cheek and see if we end up snogging.

Thanks for the responses. To those saying I am over thinking it: I know. Honestly, if it was that easy for me to just ask him out I would have done so.
I think you are probably right BlokeHereInPeace – he has made oblique reference to the damage done by his previous relationship. What you suggest sounds utterly terrifying, but is also close to the kind of approach I had been thinking of (I actually think I’d find it easier to say it rather than read it).
Thanks too beastlyslumber – I hardly drink, but have already decided that alcohol might be helpful here… and I can certainly trace some of this to a couple of traumatic events in my early adulthood, and to some extent my childhood as well… I might look into counselling.
I think you have also hit the nail on the head DisplayPurposesOnly…. And I would LOVE to send that text………

I agree with LadyLola.
When saying goodbye, don't move away, linger very close, ready to be snogged.
If he doesn't make a move I would seriously consider seeing a bit less of him, then this might encourage him to seek you out, if he wants more than a platonic relationship, that is.

Double dare you...

You can change it to ...I do really like you. See you next... to make it slightly less direct. Do it quick so you keep the connection with the conversation.

In my vastly limited experience, food works as well as alcohol. Go out to dinner!

Made me smile... but if you have been out of the game for some time it is a bit harder (and daunting). I think the general advice to go for a drink/cinema and see how it goes would be better. Though getting togged up in your best lingerie and reappearing in the room saying "you like...?" might be an interesting approach to think about (for a minute only).

I would take the subtle approach too. Can you add him on FB or something? Strike up a but of a conversation before you dive straight in.

Aah you're a Scorpio female!!! Fantastic!!! Sexy through and through, or 'sexual' should I say, deep, intense, guarded yes, probably a fantastic friend, strong... I live Scorpios.

This is an excellent thread.

Do you want to have sex with him?

Are you seeing him looking smouldering hot?

And you want to send that text, why not do it?

OP - from the way you describe your responses to his attempts to connect with you, I should imagine he’s convinced you’re not interested in him romantically and just see him as a friend. It sounds like you’re actively holding him at arms’ length. This is a bad strategy if you would like something to happen.

Of course, I don’t know either of you but this sounds very much like a situation where - if you don’t let him see your interest soon - he will get snapped up and you will regret not having made a move. You don’t have to do it in a way which ruins your friendship. Just make a lighthearted proposal to do something more date like - for example, a cinema trip perhaps. I could be wrong but I’m guessing he’ll be keen.

It’s not really relevant to me now (decades on) but as a very young woman, I lost the opportunity to date a friend I was crazy about because I was too shy to acknowledge the clues he was holding out meaning that he thought I wasn’t interested. Eventually a bolder woman asked him out and that opportunity was lost to me. I was very disappointed and it took several months for that to fade.

I find a very effectively tool for making significant decisions is this: think forward a year from now - when you look back at now, what do you think you will wish you’d done - made a move or not made a move? I’m betting it’s the former.

I agree with this. My energy can be a bit fiesty and masculine if that makes sense so it feels natural for me to go for what I want but with regards to dates etc I stop myself chasing after people or making the first move. Play it cool OP.

This! Just get a bit drunk, loosen inhibitions and if there is interest a snog will happen. This is the most popular dating technique, lol. How many relationships have started with a drunken snog- takes away all the overanalysing and reduces it to primitive urges only.

I really can't tell if he likes you or not. Some guys do just like a flirt and deep conversation without wanting more. You don't seem to be giving him any over signs either you're interested though. So just ask him to grab a drink with you and take it from there. Nothing scandalous about asking a mate for a drink.

@Buythebag40 and @hotcoldnotsold are right - just get a bit pissed together and see what happens!

No don’t get drunk that may put him off you, have a drink with him no harm there, if you still fancy him ask him to take you to the theatre/ cinema and see what happens. Dont have sex with him the first few dates, you want him to think you are special not an easy lay.

Next time he laughs or smiles......just say do that again, you look really handsome when you do that?

Even the slowest of men will pick up on that if they want to!

But they already have a friendship @Crazykatie . OP is looking to move the friendship forward .

Just returning to say this definitely isn’t the same friend as mine, who I have managed to seduce! Good luck OP 🤞🏼

I'm a Scorpio
Guarded and independent
But I wouldn't make the first move.
Very unsexy.
In fact if he hadn't asked me out by now I'd be giving him a wide birth - I don't need anymore male friends.
( maybe get a trusted friend to subtly find out if he 'liked' me)
But really life's too short.

Are you both the type of people who like a night out with a few drinks? If so, next time you're arranging a catch up/chat after social event just say "should we have a change of scenery and go to the local" or "next time we meet up should we do it over a beer/glass of red"

Or when you're chatting just say you've not ahead a night out for ages and that will lead the convo to you two going out

Me again. men are rightly having to learn not to set up situations where we can 'take advantage'. And yet the advice is 'get him a bit drunk'. I dunno, is this a mixed message? Anyway, good luck OP, summon up that courage....

Erm both people getting drunk together is not the same as someone getting only the other person drunk or spiking their drink.

If 2 people getting drunk together is taking advantage then every date or event or meeting between 2 people that involves drink is wrong....

I personally think if this man was really into you, he would have acted.

You seem to be questioning every micro behaviour and in turn I don't think this is making you feel very confident. It shouldn't feel this hard, I know when we get older dating becomes harder but I think attraction and compatility is the same throughout life.

You each maybe need different people.

I've never tried this but I read it in a book years ago... You could get him psychologically invested in your home by asking him to help you do things there.

Worth a go?