Help me seduce my friend

[thatsmychair]

I’m recently out of a long term relationship at 48 (sexless for a number of years and essentially dead for a long time, though we remain good friends and are co-parenting our two teenaged children). Over the last couple of years I have become close to one of the school dads (he’s single) and would like to take things further… but though I suspect I would be in with a good chance, I am paralysed with terror at the thought of making any kind of move. I frequently realise after the event that I ran from a situation that had the potential to lead somewhere, though at the time I was oblivious to the fact that I was doing this.
This is so frustrating, particularly as I am generally thriving: after many years of feeling trapped in a relationship that was not right and living a shadow of the life I wanted, I feel as though a weight has lifted and the world is my oyster; I have spent years locked in on myself but was able to open up to this man in a way I hadn’t to anyone for many years, and this has shown me another way of engaging with the world; I feel better about my appearance than I have for years and am aware of male attention for the first time in ages… I want to seize the opportunities that life throws at me – yet the thought of revealing to this man that I want to shag him senseless terrifies me. I’ve been obsessing about it like a lovesick teenager for months, trying to read every little sign for clues as to his feelings about me, or rehearsing what I might say in particular situations – I desperately need to snap myself out of this with some decisive action…. Please help…

Enough people have suggested, what to do OP. Get on with it and do not let life pass you by. Just be prepared for second base too.

I would compliment him, tell him what you really like about him. I was such a flirt when I was young, I'd have said something like 'I love these long chats we have' - quite casually - but at the same time be smiling and hold his gaze just a fraction too long. You'll soon know if he's giving you the brush off (in which case you can always say something like 'It's just nice to have such good friends' to make it clear you get the message) but hopefully that won't happen.

I have no idea, but I loved reading your post, how exciting! All I know is that fortune favours the bold, definitely ask him for a drink/catch up and wear something that makes you feel amazing. And report back! Rooting for you x

Ok so if he’s single and spending lots of time having long deep conversations around the kitchen table, then either he fancies you and is just as bad at this as you are (you sound perfect for each other 🤣), or he’s gay/asexual.

It’s tricky to give advice on moving out of the ‘friend zone’ because the best way to do it is so subtle, a casual touch on the arm here, a slow smile there, too long eye contact etc. If that sounds too tricky (and it could be very awkward if done badly) then I’m quite a direct person and would probably send a text saying something like “I had such a great time chatting with you yesterday. I’d love to go on a proper ‘date’ with you sometime and explore if there could be more to it. What do you think?” Thet said, you guys are clearly bot direct so perhaos something else will work better for you.

Good luck!

(and definitely don’t claim that someone else asked you out, that’s terrible advice and he would just back off.)

Next time you see him, give him a long hug goodbye. You'll soon feel if there's physical chemistry 😁

Who initiates the coffees/chats? If it’s him, next time reply ‘is this a date?’

If a man likes you enough to want to be with you, you won't be in any doubt. If he does share your feelings, he'll let you know. The fact that you're obsessing and "reading signs" suggests that either you're limerent or he's messing with you (or both). It is possible that he likes you but is just too shy to say, but that's unlikely. More likely that he enjoys the attention and friendship and doesn't want more than that right now. The fact that you're in a rush is a red flag. You're having this whole experience without him and are spending too much time thinking about him and analysing his every word. It's called limerance, and it's very painful when you realise that the other person was never on the same page. Honestly, when a man likes you, he'll make it obvious.

Just enjoy the friendship for what it is. If you can't stop obsessing over him, then maybe back off and give yourself some space.

I wouldn’t definitely go with the informal ask out for a drink. Go for booze, lower the inhibitions. Look awesome get hair, makeup, nails done. Dress cracking. A couple of drinks on you stop drinking and make your play.

If you know each other well enough the groundwork is already laid so he likes you or he doesn’t. If he is interested it will work and if isn’t it won’t.

Just be brave and go for it. Best of luck. Don’t forget to let us know.

How can you say this with such confidence? It's a ludicrous generalisation. Plenty of men might be shy of making the first move, or are scared of rejection, or try to be overly subtle about it.

Yeah, it's possible. It's a generalisation, so it's only generally true.

Men can of course be shy, or scared of rejection, but if they really like you, they'll let you know. If you're going over conversations in your head, looking for clues, analysing moments etc, then he's not making it clear, and that will be either because he's not thinking of you in a romantic way, or because it suits him to have you on the back foot and wondering.

So much helpful advice here - thanks. It's great to read all the suggested approaches - even those I cannot imagine myself ever taking - as in my case it is not so much that I am out of practice as that I was never in practice...
I can (almost) see myself taking a direct approach along the lines suggested by Neverreturntoathread and Houseonthehill, though definitely face to face at an appropriate seeming moment rather than by text I think...
As for whether it is limerance... well, maybe it is. I'm certainly not under the illusion that he spends as much time pre-occupied by me as I do by him. I am also not planning our future together in my head and have no fixed ideas about what I would be looking for in a relationship with him. In lots of ways I think this is about my lack of confidence more generally as much as it is about him in particular... I want to be able to take control of the situation, to be willing to make myself vulnerable and to move forward from the place I'm stuck at the moment.

In lots of ways I think this is about my lack of confidence more generally as much as it is about him in particular... I want to be able to take control of the situation, to be willing to make myself vulnerable and to move forward from the place I'm stuck at the moment.

That's kind of what I'm saying, OP. That's it not about a blossoming relationship, but about something you need and are thinking he will somehow give you or you will somehow get from him. All I'm saying is, be wary. You are clearly a bit vulnerable, and it might be a good idea to let him be the one to move things forward, assuming he wants that. Maybe he likes you but needs more time. You're friends, you spend time together, so there's no need for either of you to rush. Enjoy spending time with him and if there's a romance there, it will happen without being forced.

At the risk of sounding old fashioned I would leave him to make a move
The only reason I am saying this is a friend of mine was in a very similar scenario and took the bull by the horns so to speak and she had got it all wrong. He just wanted to be friends. She was absolutely mortified

I feel irrationally petrified that this is the same single dad I fancy!

I hope I didn’t derail your thread OP! What happened?

As he's a friend, I'm not sure I'd do the do you want a drink thing, as he might accept as a friend and you're no further forward.
When you're next having a chat about personal stuff, maybe tell him you feel ready to start dating again or miss being with a man, and see where that conversation goes. Most interested men will give some indication once the subject is out there, and its easy for him to not pick up on it without awkwardness if he's not.

I don't think so - but just you keep your hands off!!! 😀
Nothing has happened yet, but this thread has been incredibly helpful in showing me a range of possible approaches. Reflecting on my reactions to these has made it really clear that what I really want is the confidence to make my own interest clear and see where it leads... I almost see this as an end in itself, although obviously a positive response would be a nice bonus. The responses on this thread have been really good from this point of view and as a result of it I can visualise how / when I might broach the subject and what I might say to a range of possible reactions from him.... and I can actually imagine myself doing this. I saw him briefly at the weekend and although it wasn't the right time to say anything I did notice a new found 'devil may care' attitude in myself.
I will report back if and when there is anything to add... perhaps don't hold your breath though...

Sometimes men won't take the hint in case they have it wrong. You can opt for the "come to bed?" question. I once knew a man who said I was the first woman to ever directly proposition him. Alternatively, you can take your knickers off and throw them at him. 😂

Go for it OP! Life is too short. 'I love chatting with you here, but would you ever be up for going out for a drink with me, you know.. like a date?' worst he can say is 'no sorry' and you can laugh it off and say 'nevermind just thought I'd ask!'. It's flattering either way.

From a male point of view, the ideas for inviting him to a mutually interesting event, day out seem great to me. Encourage the subtle flirting and perhaps body contact? What do you have to loose.

I'm invested, and hoping for an update - this sounds like it has legs

Firstly – apologies for reviving this thread without a major update to report… I found it helpful previously, and am posting here again because a brief conversation with him a few days ago has left me with some complex emotions…
When I posted previously I felt quite paralysed and the advice I received here really helped me to take some tentative steps in the right direction. As a result, my confidence that my feelings might be reciprocated has grown. But I’ve also realised just how much I flee from situations that might expose me, and how many opportunities to say something or make a move I have stopped dead in their tracks before I’ve realised what I’m doing.

So often after spending time with him I have come way feeling energised and excited, but when thinking back over the conversation have realised that, while he had shared personal information I had intellectualised and kept things general, or that while he was playing a particular song and telling me why it was significant to him, I had stared steadfastly at the screen and refused to make eye contact, or … you get the picture. And no matter how many times I give myself a good talking to and rehearse what I think I should have said / done, in the moment I freeze.
At the weekend I saw him and the conversation turned to astrology (I know… but he has an interest in these things). I asked him to guess my star sign, and this led to a discussion about extent to which I am a typical scorpio (I know nothing and am pretty sceptical, so was asking what gave me away)… and the two traits he identified were ‘guarded’ and ‘independent’. It’s made me feel a bit weird – it kind of distils everything that had been swirling round in my head and has left me feeling rather exposed… but also touched. I guess it’s brought things to a head, and now it’s been named and acknowledged I feel that the ball is in my court and I need to seize the moment. Not sure I have a specific question, but hoping that hearing a range of perspectives on this will help nudge me again
(To be clear, as far as I am concerned the astrology aspect here is irrelevant… it’s about the words he chose to sum me up…).

Just ask him out, don't overthink it. If you leave it too long he might get snapped up and you will be kicking yourself. That happened to a friend of mine and she bitterly regrets it.
If he says no, fine move on at else you will know. Its a date not a marriage proposal !

Can I offer a male perspective? Not pretending to speak from the the point of view of all men or anything, just mine. I think he's as scared as you are. He's been in a relationship which went wrong somehow (if he's a widower I apologise). He knows that you have had bad times.

He plainly enjoys your company. You enjoy his. That puts you near the top of the relationship Hit Parade.

So are you able to write something like this down and read it out, without any advance notice, whilst you are sat at his table.

"I need to tell you something. I've come to cherish this friendship. I would like to explore taking it further. If you don't feel the same, then I hope that we can continue our friendship though I will understand if you need time to consider this. It's not been easy for me to say this, and I'll let you tell me what you think".

Then be quiet and keep looking him in the eye.

And see what happens.

From your update, OP, it sounds like you don't need to make a big declaration of feelings, but just find a way to open up more and allow yourself to be more vulnerable with him. Could you maybe do something together that's more in your comfort zone, so you'll have more to share? Or if not, alcohol is a good lowerer of inhibitions - just don't go overboard! Counselling or therapy might help, too. I wonder if you have had some trauma in your past which has led you to put up such good defences? If so, you might find the Crappy Childhood Fairy resources helpful - she talks a lot about dating and relationships, and how to be vulnerable while still protecting yourself.