I think H despises me and I’m not sure why, and how to get back from it. Saturday and Sunday made me realise how bad it is and today I just can’t be bothered. I have written below everything that has happened (and sorry it’s so long, but I think once you read the first few examples you will pretty much get the gist of it). Is this contempt, and is there any way to get back from it?
- On Saturday we drove to the playground with our toddler and baby. Baby and I fell asleep in the car. When we woke up, H and toddler were gone and the electric windows were down. He had the only car keys. It was nice of him to let us sleep. I text him to say we were awake and he said he was 2 mins away. I assumed (in hindsight I should have asked) that he was coming back to lock up the car, so when he called 5 mins later asking when he should come back to lock up the car I said I was waiting for him. At this point he had a go at me saying how is he supposed to know that the baby is awake and we are ready to leave. I apologised and hung up, looked at my phone, saw that I had said “we” are awake, told him this when he got to the car. He scrolled through his phone to confirm, and said it still doesn’t mean we are ready to leave because we might have just wanted to sit in the car. All said in a stroppy, harsh tone.
- When we got to the playground, he wanted to feed the baby some cheese and it was the only snack I had forgotten to pack, so I offered breadsticks. He looked at me pissed off and said “but I wanted to give him cheese”. I understand it’s frustrating, but I just forgot.
- He walked away with the baby to the shade while I supervised the toddler. I couldn’t see H where he said he would be so 10 mins later I got my phone out to text him. Just as I did he came up from behind with a face like thunder and told me to focus on my toddler instead of browsing on my phone. I explained I only just took it out to text him but he ignored me.
- I played with the toddler for a good while, then we decided to swap. H held the baby while I got baby’s dinner out standing next to a bench, and while I had a jar in one hand and a spoon in the other, toddler ran into a dangerous area. H had to step in quickly to pull toddler out, so wanted to hand baby over to me. I bent down to put the jar and spoon down on the bench and while doing so he pushed the baby so hard into me that I fell onto the bench. After he had rescued toddler I asked him why he pushed me. This he explained was also my fault (again pissed off), because instead of putting everything down I should have put everything in one hand and taken the baby with the other hand, then I would have been ready to take the baby instead of falling over.
- When we drove home, toddler fell asleep in the car. I stayed in the car while H went into the house and started cooking dinner. When toddler woke up we went into the house. Toddler wanted to be with H so I took over the cooking. He told me what herbs and spices to add to the meat and finish off with lots of cream to make a sauce. I had added all the herbs but then realised there was no cream left. H said he would heat up some ready made sweet and sour sauce so I started plating up toddler’s food so it could cool down. I thought he was going to heat up the sauce separately as the flavours in the meat would not have gone with sweet and sour sauce. H got pissed off at me because apparently it is obvious that he was going to pour the sauce over the meat to heat it through.
- On Sunday we went to a different park. It was about 25C. Toddler was overdue his nap so was getting cranky, so we wanted to get in the car ASAP with as little tantruming as possible so that he would quickly go to sleep. Toddler asked H if he could wear his sun hat in the car and H agreed. Toddler asked me to put his blanket over his legs and I agreed. H got so angry about this that he put his arm over his mouth and screamed. In the car I asked H why he did that and he said he was very angry at me for letting toddler have the blanket in this heat. I explained that I did not want a tantrum and I can remove the blanket when he is asleep, I was picking my battles and I don’t see why a blanket isn’t ok but wearing a hat while sleeping in a warm car is fine.
- When we got home I got out of the car with the baby while H stayed with the sleeping toddler in the car. As I was opening the front door, H also got out of the car, and shouted at me while I was 3 metres away that I slammed the car doors too hard and need to close them more softly, then he got back in the car (and slammed the door). I was conscious that toddler was sleeping and thought I had closed the doors as quietly as possible.
- Once toddler woke up they both came into the house, H obviously still looking angry. I asked him what he was angry about now and he called me an arsehole for putting a blanket on the toddler’s legs. He apologised pretty much straight away for calling me an arsehole but maintained the fact I was wrong about the blanket.
- Later that evening I said to him that I appreciate he thinks I slammed the car doors but I wanted him to know I was closing them as quietly as possible as I know toddler was sleeping. H immediately got angry, raised voice, speaking over me saying “don’t say that that’s what I think, it’s not an opinion, it’s a fact that I’m stating”.
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I had organised Easter eggs for everyone and activities for the toddler, but there was nothing for me. Toddler mentioned that the Easter bunny had hidden something in our bedroom so once the children were in bed I asked H if there was a gift I should be looking for. H said no and that he didn’t realise we do Easter eggs (I’ve done them for him for nearly 20 years). He asked whether we should stop doing it next year for each other and I said he doesn’t have to get me one if he doesn’t want to, to which he sighed really loudly and rolled his eyes so hard I’m surprised they didn’t fall out of his head.
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Today, Monday, we had planned a few days ago to go an adventure playground in the morning and spend the day there. I had cooked tonight’s dinner yesterday so we spoke just need to heat it up today. I got up early and got the children up on time and ready to go out at our usual time (we have a set routine for day trips coinciding with naps). I asked H if he was ready to go and… it just descended into him shouting at me for 15 mins and I don’t even know where to start. Apparently I didn’t want to go (even though I kept saying I want to go) because I would have asked to talk to him about it on Sunday evening to plan what food we needed to pack, and I hadn’t asked to talk to him. He said I have no foresight, I don’t plan anything ahead, he has to do everything when it comes to planning. At this point I said I don’t want to go anymore, he said actually he had packed the food already so if he could have 15 mins to calm down we could still go, and I said no. So we didn't go.