Contempt in marriage?

[HouseD]

I think H despises me and I’m not sure why, and how to get back from it. Saturday and Sunday made me realise how bad it is and today I just can’t be bothered. I have written below everything that has happened (and sorry it’s so long, but I think once you read the first few examples you will pretty much get the gist of it). Is this contempt, and is there any way to get back from it?

1. On Saturday we drove to the playground with our toddler and baby. Baby and I fell asleep in the car. When we woke up, H and toddler were gone and the electric windows were down. He had the only car keys. It was nice of him to let us sleep. I text him to say we were awake and he said he was 2 mins away. I assumed (in hindsight I should have asked) that he was coming back to lock up the car, so when he called 5 mins later asking when he should come back to lock up the car I said I was waiting for him. At this point he had a go at me saying how is he supposed to know that the baby is awake and we are ready to leave. I apologised and hung up, looked at my phone, saw that I had said “we” are awake, told him this when he got to the car. He scrolled through his phone to confirm, and said it still doesn’t mean we are ready to leave because we might have just wanted to sit in the car. All said in a stroppy, harsh tone.

1. When we got to the playground, he wanted to feed the baby some cheese and it was the only snack I had forgotten to pack, so I offered breadsticks. He looked at me pissed off and said “but I wanted to give him cheese”. I understand it’s frustrating, but I just forgot.

1. He walked away with the baby to the shade while I supervised the toddler. I couldn’t see H where he said he would be so 10 mins later I got my phone out to text him. Just as I did he came up from behind with a face like thunder and told me to focus on my toddler instead of browsing on my phone. I explained I only just took it out to text him but he ignored me.

1. I played with the toddler for a good while, then we decided to swap. H held the baby while I got baby’s dinner out standing next to a bench, and while I had a jar in one hand and a spoon in the other, toddler ran into a dangerous area. H had to step in quickly to pull toddler out, so wanted to hand baby over to me. I bent down to put the jar and spoon down on the bench and while doing so he pushed the baby so hard into me that I fell onto the bench. After he had rescued toddler I asked him why he pushed me. This he explained was also my fault (again pissed off), because instead of putting everything down I should have put everything in one hand and taken the baby with the other hand, then I would have been ready to take the baby instead of falling over.

1. When we drove home, toddler fell asleep in the car. I stayed in the car while H went into the house and started cooking dinner. When toddler woke up we went into the house. Toddler wanted to be with H so I took over the cooking. He told me what herbs and spices to add to the meat and finish off with lots of cream to make a sauce. I had added all the herbs but then realised there was no cream left. H said he would heat up some ready made sweet and sour sauce so I started plating up toddler’s food so it could cool down. I thought he was going to heat up the sauce separately as the flavours in the meat would not have gone with sweet and sour sauce. H got pissed off at me because apparently it is obvious that he was going to pour the sauce over the meat to heat it through.

1. On Sunday we went to a different park. It was about 25C. Toddler was overdue his nap so was getting cranky, so we wanted to get in the car ASAP with as little tantruming as possible so that he would quickly go to sleep. Toddler asked H if he could wear his sun hat in the car and H agreed. Toddler asked me to put his blanket over his legs and I agreed. H got so angry about this that he put his arm over his mouth and screamed. In the car I asked H why he did that and he said he was very angry at me for letting toddler have the blanket in this heat. I explained that I did not want a tantrum and I can remove the blanket when he is asleep, I was picking my battles and I don’t see why a blanket isn’t ok but wearing a hat while sleeping in a warm car is fine.

1. When we got home I got out of the car with the baby while H stayed with the sleeping toddler in the car. As I was opening the front door, H also got out of the car, and shouted at me while I was 3 metres away that I slammed the car doors too hard and need to close them more softly, then he got back in the car (and slammed the door). I was conscious that toddler was sleeping and thought I had closed the doors as quietly as possible.

1. Once toddler woke up they both came into the house, H obviously still looking angry. I asked him what he was angry about now and he called me an arsehole for putting a blanket on the toddler’s legs. He apologised pretty much straight away for calling me an arsehole but maintained the fact I was wrong about the blanket.

1. Later that evening I said to him that I appreciate he thinks I slammed the car doors but I wanted him to know I was closing them as quietly as possible as I know toddler was sleeping. H immediately got angry, raised voice, speaking over me saying “don’t say that that’s what I think, it’s not an opinion, it’s a fact that I’m stating”.

10. I had organised Easter eggs for everyone and activities for the toddler, but there was nothing for me. Toddler mentioned that the Easter bunny had hidden something in our bedroom so once the children were in bed I asked H if there was a gift I should be looking for. H said no and that he didn’t realise we do Easter eggs (I’ve done them for him for nearly 20 years). He asked whether we should stop doing it next year for each other and I said he doesn’t have to get me one if he doesn’t want to, to which he sighed really loudly and rolled his eyes so hard I’m surprised they didn’t fall out of his head.

11. Today, Monday, we had planned a few days ago to go an adventure playground in the morning and spend the day there. I had cooked tonight’s dinner yesterday so we spoke just need to heat it up today. I got up early and got the children up on time and ready to go out at our usual time (we have a set routine for day trips coinciding with naps). I asked H if he was ready to go and… it just descended into him shouting at me for 15 mins and I don’t even know where to start. Apparently I didn’t want to go (even though I kept saying I want to go) because I would have asked to talk to him about it on Sunday evening to plan what food we needed to pack, and I hadn’t asked to talk to him. He said I have no foresight, I don’t plan anything ahead, he has to do everything when it comes to planning. At this point I said I don’t want to go anymore, he said actually he had packed the food already so if he could have 15 mins to calm down we could still go, and I said no. So we didn't go.

@ThackeryBinks

He's hideous and I get the feeling he's escalating. Can you get in touch with women's aid as you need support lovely.

This.

Your posts are terrifying.

This is an awful life for you and the children.

Such hatred would make me fear you could be physically abused.

I'm so sorry.

Reach out for support.

@Pompom2367

Op you either need couples counseling or a lawyer things can't continue this way you know that you don't want your kids growing up thinking this is how relationships work

He sounds like is having a breakdown

H got so angry about this that he put his arm over his mouth and screamed

He is a nasty, frightening, angry, aggressive piece of shit. Please save yourself from this.

But I don’t want to leave him because I don’t want him to have the children on his own. He wouldn’t cope so the children would suffer

But they are suffering full time now, instead of part-time / occasionally. You are suffering mental abuse full time. Better they have a healthier, happier home life with just you and see nasty father now and again. I doubt he would have them a lot.

Also, the fact that he was willing to use the baby as a weapon should be enough for you to leave him. He didn't care about damage to the baby. This man is a destroyer.

I am not in the same position as you OP because I am almost a pensioner and our children are long since grown and flown, but your husband sounds exactly like mine in that he's blaming you for everything, absolutely everything. I have grown to despise my own husband for his meanness, angry outbursts, constant criticism, moaning and whining ... I could go on. I am now disabled and feel as though I cannot leave, but you still can. You have youth on your side and you earn good money.

Have you read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft? I've just read it and it has made me realise that I am nothing like the awful woman my husband tells me I am. He is abusive and angry with me all the time, but cheerful and chirpy with everyone else. It's as though he is actually two people who just look the same. I think I may even hate him. It doesn't really matter for me because my son and daughter don't know how I am treated, but your children are witnessing your treatment and that is so sad for them. I hope you can get out of your marriage because I doubt your husband will ever change.

I AM EXHAUSTED JUST READING ALL OF THIS! 😡

That was so hard to read. I read an article once by a psychotherapist about signs that your relationship is doomed...the biggest issue that the article said there was no coming back from was contempt. Once someone has contempt for the other, the respect is gone and that is it.

Please leave while you still have an ounce of self-respect left. You can't be afraid of him having the children by himself...you can barely shield them from it when you are there and you are teaching them terrible things about relationships (not your fault!).

Leave....please leave. And I hardly EVER say that. Your life could be so much better. And your children's. You can at least provide a stress-free and non-abusive environment for 50% of the time. You need to get them away before they are damaged by this. I didn't get my eldest away in time and she struggles with life and relationships much more than my youngest...much more.

Abuse isn't always physical. He's abusing you. What an absolute horror of a man. He sounds like a narcissist.

Please don't put yourself through years of this before you leave. It will get worse.

he pushed the baby so hard into me that I fell onto the bench. After he had rescued toddler I asked him why he pushed me. This he explained was also my fault (again pissed off), because instead of putting everything down I should have put everything in one hand and taken the baby with the other hand, then I would have been ready to take the baby instead of falling over

Just as I did he came up from behind with a face like thunder and told me to focus on my toddler instead of browsing on my phone. I explained I only just took it out to text him but he ignored me

I feel sorry for you OP. Here you are, trying to parent in a fairly normal way by the looks of it, and you have to cope with your husband as well.

There's unhappiness and stress here, but I singled out the above quotes. He wants to punish you OP and treat you like a punching bag for whatever resentment or stress he's carrying around. This is not acceptable. The above instance of pushing is so bad that it's enough of a reason to leave him. He's being an asshole to you, and I'm sorry to say that this behaviour has escalated to the very first stages of physical abuse. No one knows how far he'll take this or how much worse it will get, but do you really want to allow him the opportunity.

Being around this kind of man must be very unpleasant and must make parenting more difficult. Do you not feel like you have to walk around on eggshells all the time? It's not good for you or the children.

Having a baby and toddler is mega stressful and really hard on a relationship. I haven't read the whole thread but what was your relationship like pre children? Also what's your husband like at other times? Do you still laugh and be affectionate with one another?

I've only got one baby but I've lost my rag so many times and hated myself afterwards. I went to the GP and am on medication for anxiety.

You do not deserve to be treated like this. Does he think he has poor mental health at the moment? He needs to admit there's a problem and work on it else there's little hope for your relationship. Sorry this is happening, I hope it's temporary.

Slightly surprised people are all so critical here. Your DH seems hands on and involved with the kids, and fairly considerate (eg not waking you and the baby in the car). I'd say that both of you are exhausted and stressed, which is 100% natural when you have a new baby and a toddler - it's one of the toughest stages for any couple. I wonder how much of what you've written involved your perceptions being coloured by your tiredness and stress too - ie you assume he is more negative than he really is - and the true situation is really somewhere in the middle? I bet he has similar examples about you.

Personally, if you've otherwise had a good marriage for many years, I'd try to talk to him about how you BOTH need to cut each other more slack. There were many times when my DC were that age when I would happily have bludgeoned my DH to death and buried him the backyard. Not the DC are both primary school aged and family life is calmer, I find I do actually like my DH and enjoy his company after all!

I’m so sorry this is happening! He sounds like an awful man. It’s the worst when they are nice to everyone else and horrible to one of the people they are meant to love most. What do you think would happen if you stood up to him and said you don’t agree. Could he get aggressive? If you think he could ever be violent to you then you need to walk away. He sounds like a narcissist and like he despises you. I’m so sorry that you are going through this.

@HouseD

Thank you everyone for your responses. To answer everyone,

Yes he is stressed and so am I. It’s the usual stress of looking after 2 children and we have no family support. However, the way he talks to me is not new. It’s been like this for years but this weekend feels particularly bad. I think what really brought it home is seeing him speak to someone else at the playground, smiling and being friendly, and I felt unbelievably jealous. But I see him talk like this on occasion to his parents too and they have said he’s always been unhappy as a child, on a strop every holiday etc. He would say he’s unhappy because he’s a foreigner in this country (I met him here) and his own country was way better (it’s not), he has no friends here because people are stuck up, we have a far right government and it’s like living in 1930s Germany etc, but the truth is he left his own country because he was unhappy there too, didn’t have any friends etc.

I have spoken many times to him in the past about how he speaks to me and most of the subtle, subjective things eg facial expression and tone of voice he doesn’t agree with. He says he’s being normal and speaking to me directly, and I’m being over sensitive. He said for example that him screaming into his arm is a good thing because he was able to express his frustration without impacting anyone eg by shouting at me, but would disagree that it’s a passive aggressive way of having a go at me and still impacts us.

We are very tired. I don’t think we have to be going out every day. I don’t think it always has to be all of us but H disagrees. On Saturday I actually had plans to stay at home and bake with my toddler, do some crafts and get some food shopping done. H said that’s not going to happen because he’s not going to waste the good weather sitting inside. It’s easy for him because I do the bigger share of the family admin and planning. I argued back but it falls on deaf ears. He literally ignores me because he has more importantly things to do.

He does have good qualities too. He arranged for me to go and participate in a hobby on Saturday morning as a surprise, which I haven’t been able to do since the children were born. He’s also the one who researched and found three activities for the children to do this weekend. He is usually the one who arranges fun stuff. But I’m the one who organises life and enables him to organise the fun things, but there seems to be no appreciation of that.

Clearing the air is pointless. It ends up in a conversation about everything I have done wrong, he hasn’t done anything to upset me and it’s my fault for being sensitive / reading him wrongly / doing whatever it is I did.

I could easily leave him. He earns a good wage. I earn double. His head has definitely not been turned as he doesn’t talk to anyone. He doesn’t like his work colleagues and they are all men anyway. He has no hobbies outside of the house. But I don’t want to leave him because I don’t want him to have the children on his own. He wouldn’t cope so the children would suffer. That's why I'm hoping to find ways to change the dynamic.

I have spoken many times to him in the past about how he speaks to me and most of the subtle, subjective things eg facial expression and tone of voice he doesn’t agree with. He says he’s being normal and speaking to me directly, and I’m being over sensitive.

Trust your instincts. I can bet that you know how to read facial expressions very well OP, and you know which ones are nasty and unpleasant. Don't allow yourself to be gaslit, because men like this will certainly try. They will claim that they are not angry when their facial expressions most certainly says that they are. They will claim that they are not thinking anything negative when you can clearly see a smirk on their face. That's because people actually find it difficult to contain what's going on inside them, and not just emotions, but thoughts too.

He said for example that him screaming into his arm is a good thing because he was able to express his frustration without impacting anyone eg by shouting at me, but would disagree that it’s a passive aggressive way of having a go at me and still impacts us

A good thing as opposed to what exactly? Yes, it's preferable to shouting or punching walls but it's still a scary thing to watch - you are witnessing someone be on the very edge of losing their temper.

He arranged for me to go and participate in a hobby on Saturday morning as a surprise, which I haven’t been able to do since the children were born

God, what a low bar. How long ago were the children born then? Why does he get to have a gold star for simply allowing some time to yourself every now and again?

it’s my fault for being sensitive

Lol, well he's going to have problem then, isn't he? Because most women would think he was behaving like an asshole.

If he was a good man, he would recognise that he has a problem with dealing with stress and he's be making his own moves to address this. You wouldn't even have to ask him. Also, crucially, a good man would not have pushed you. I don't think he deserves a second chance after that What kind of man does this???

I could easily leave him. He earns a good wage. I earn double

Thank God for that.

The car thing would freak me out. If I woke alone n the car with my baby and the car was locked I would be freaked out.

@SummerInSun

Slightly surprised people are all so critical here. Your DH seems hands on and involved with the kids, and fairly considerate (eg not waking you and the baby in the car). I'd say that both of you are exhausted and stressed, which is 100% natural when you have a new baby and a toddler - it's one of the toughest stages for any couple. I wonder how much of what you've written involved your perceptions being coloured by your tiredness and stress too - ie you assume he is more negative than he really is - and the true situation is really somewhere in the middle? I bet he has similar examples about you.

Personally, if you've otherwise had a good marriage for many years, I'd try to talk to him about how you BOTH need to cut each other more slack. There were many times when my DC were that age when I would happily have bludgeoned my DH to death and buried him the backyard. Not the DC are both primary school aged and family life is calmer, I find I do actually like my DH and enjoy his company after all!

I bet he has similar examples about you

I wonder how much of what you've written involved your perceptions being coloured by your tiredness and stress too

You what??????

You're not the husband, or relative/friend of the husband......are you lol?

Have you actually read what she's written? Yes, of course raising a child is really tough. The lack of sleep can be very very hard but once a man starts crossing the line into physical territory and shows this level of anger, it's a very bad sign.

Your post sent shivers down my spine. It sounds like he is literally ready to snap. You need to get yourself and your kids out of there as soon as you possibly can, it won’t be long before they’re next. You are doing nothing wrong here but he sounds very dangerous.

I don't understand how you got through any of those interactions without laying into him and telling him where he can stuff his ignorant opinions and letting him know in no uncertain terms that he does NOT speak to you like that.

And why exactly does he think he is a parenting expert? What qualifications does he have? I'd be livid if my dp attempted to reprimand me over my decisions and interactions with my children. Maybe someone ought to inform him that he is being a bad father by setting such an abusive example towards their mother

And for me this is definitely a ltb situation. He is so degrading and controlling. His reason for it doesn't matter. This is not the way you treat an equal/someone you respect and love. It shouldn't even be how you treat someone you feel is under you - I.e is he going to be snappy and cruel to the children as they get older when they start exerting their own opinions and independence?

Get rid OP. You deserve better

Sorry to hear things aren’t great between you OP, have you considered broaching the subject with DH and asking him why he is so angry about everything? Everyone gets frustrated, but this seems quite significant!

I recognise all of this. My ex was exactly like this and it was because he was deeply unhappy. We split up and he is now very ashamed at his behaviour and had counselling to deal with it. It came from a place of depression and stress and he was generally a good man. The behaviour is abusive but it doesn't make him a narcissist. However, I'd suggest you leave the relationship as it is very hard to come back from this as a couple. Contempt is known as one of the four horseman of the relationship apocalypse.

He sounds like a control freak with a massive chip on his shoulder. While it sounds good at face value that he plans all these activities and how to get things done, it sounds like he uses every opportunity to micromanage and belittle you. It doesn’t surprise me you out-earn him, because much of your post smacks of him trying to put you in your place. Also to undermine your parenting.

I get you don’t want him having the kids by himself but have you considered how he may well use this to weaponise them children against you as they get older - criticising you and acting like mummy can’t be trusted to get even the basics done?

H got so angry about this that he put his arm over his mouth and screamed. In the car I asked H why he did that and he said he was very angry at me for letting toddler have the blanket in this heat
OP. This is literally unhinged.

I understand your fear of leaving the children alone with a man with a rage like this. There have been women on other posts who have said that they waited till the children were older before leaving because of their father's behaviour, waiting till the children were older and less vulnerable to their father's behaviour.

How is he with the children OP?

Its a really hard situation to be in OP and I don't know what the best answer is. But there is no way you can improve things or improve his behaviour.

I also recognise a lot of this from my exP. We had 2 young children, and it is incredibly hard, but its unbearable when your partner spends most his waking hours dementing you with criticism of everything you do, and everything you are. Mine would tell me I should have known something was "obvious" and get angry when I made (what he thought were) mistakes. He also acted like I was being a bad mum and was inconsiderate when it came to the kids which was horrible and untrue. I did the eggshells walking, and I tried to pre-empt what might upset him so he would finally see how hard i tried and how well i was doing.

It was never enough. So I just left him, got a much better job, bought a much nicer house and have a much happier and more relaxed life. The best thing about leaving someone like that is when you realise that one day the kids might be the target of their anger, and you will know that you have given them a front door which they can close on him if they need their head space free from him.

I suspect he is jealous that you earn more, and that on paper you come from a better family and are more well educated. I also suspect he was waiting out of sight watching to see when you picked up your phone, so he could spring out and berate you for it.

Leave. You'll never regret it.

What exactly makes you want to put with with this disgusting behaviour ?

It sounds to me like you’re together too much, and you’re doing too much. There’s nothing wrong with a day at home.
I hope you get some free time to do what you want.