Contempt in marriage?

[HouseD]

I think H despises me and I’m not sure why, and how to get back from it. Saturday and Sunday made me realise how bad it is and today I just can’t be bothered. I have written below everything that has happened (and sorry it’s so long, but I think once you read the first few examples you will pretty much get the gist of it). Is this contempt, and is there any way to get back from it?

1. On Saturday we drove to the playground with our toddler and baby. Baby and I fell asleep in the car. When we woke up, H and toddler were gone and the electric windows were down. He had the only car keys. It was nice of him to let us sleep. I text him to say we were awake and he said he was 2 mins away. I assumed (in hindsight I should have asked) that he was coming back to lock up the car, so when he called 5 mins later asking when he should come back to lock up the car I said I was waiting for him. At this point he had a go at me saying how is he supposed to know that the baby is awake and we are ready to leave. I apologised and hung up, looked at my phone, saw that I had said “we” are awake, told him this when he got to the car. He scrolled through his phone to confirm, and said it still doesn’t mean we are ready to leave because we might have just wanted to sit in the car. All said in a stroppy, harsh tone.

1. When we got to the playground, he wanted to feed the baby some cheese and it was the only snack I had forgotten to pack, so I offered breadsticks. He looked at me pissed off and said “but I wanted to give him cheese”. I understand it’s frustrating, but I just forgot.

1. He walked away with the baby to the shade while I supervised the toddler. I couldn’t see H where he said he would be so 10 mins later I got my phone out to text him. Just as I did he came up from behind with a face like thunder and told me to focus on my toddler instead of browsing on my phone. I explained I only just took it out to text him but he ignored me.

1. I played with the toddler for a good while, then we decided to swap. H held the baby while I got baby’s dinner out standing next to a bench, and while I had a jar in one hand and a spoon in the other, toddler ran into a dangerous area. H had to step in quickly to pull toddler out, so wanted to hand baby over to me. I bent down to put the jar and spoon down on the bench and while doing so he pushed the baby so hard into me that I fell onto the bench. After he had rescued toddler I asked him why he pushed me. This he explained was also my fault (again pissed off), because instead of putting everything down I should have put everything in one hand and taken the baby with the other hand, then I would have been ready to take the baby instead of falling over.

1. When we drove home, toddler fell asleep in the car. I stayed in the car while H went into the house and started cooking dinner. When toddler woke up we went into the house. Toddler wanted to be with H so I took over the cooking. He told me what herbs and spices to add to the meat and finish off with lots of cream to make a sauce. I had added all the herbs but then realised there was no cream left. H said he would heat up some ready made sweet and sour sauce so I started plating up toddler’s food so it could cool down. I thought he was going to heat up the sauce separately as the flavours in the meat would not have gone with sweet and sour sauce. H got pissed off at me because apparently it is obvious that he was going to pour the sauce over the meat to heat it through.

1. On Sunday we went to a different park. It was about 25C. Toddler was overdue his nap so was getting cranky, so we wanted to get in the car ASAP with as little tantruming as possible so that he would quickly go to sleep. Toddler asked H if he could wear his sun hat in the car and H agreed. Toddler asked me to put his blanket over his legs and I agreed. H got so angry about this that he put his arm over his mouth and screamed. In the car I asked H why he did that and he said he was very angry at me for letting toddler have the blanket in this heat. I explained that I did not want a tantrum and I can remove the blanket when he is asleep, I was picking my battles and I don’t see why a blanket isn’t ok but wearing a hat while sleeping in a warm car is fine.

1. When we got home I got out of the car with the baby while H stayed with the sleeping toddler in the car. As I was opening the front door, H also got out of the car, and shouted at me while I was 3 metres away that I slammed the car doors too hard and need to close them more softly, then he got back in the car (and slammed the door). I was conscious that toddler was sleeping and thought I had closed the doors as quietly as possible.

1. Once toddler woke up they both came into the house, H obviously still looking angry. I asked him what he was angry about now and he called me an arsehole for putting a blanket on the toddler’s legs. He apologised pretty much straight away for calling me an arsehole but maintained the fact I was wrong about the blanket.

1. Later that evening I said to him that I appreciate he thinks I slammed the car doors but I wanted him to know I was closing them as quietly as possible as I know toddler was sleeping. H immediately got angry, raised voice, speaking over me saying “don’t say that that’s what I think, it’s not an opinion, it’s a fact that I’m stating”.

10. I had organised Easter eggs for everyone and activities for the toddler, but there was nothing for me. Toddler mentioned that the Easter bunny had hidden something in our bedroom so once the children were in bed I asked H if there was a gift I should be looking for. H said no and that he didn’t realise we do Easter eggs (I’ve done them for him for nearly 20 years). He asked whether we should stop doing it next year for each other and I said he doesn’t have to get me one if he doesn’t want to, to which he sighed really loudly and rolled his eyes so hard I’m surprised they didn’t fall out of his head.

11. Today, Monday, we had planned a few days ago to go an adventure playground in the morning and spend the day there. I had cooked tonight’s dinner yesterday so we spoke just need to heat it up today. I got up early and got the children up on time and ready to go out at our usual time (we have a set routine for day trips coinciding with naps). I asked H if he was ready to go and… it just descended into him shouting at me for 15 mins and I don’t even know where to start. Apparently I didn’t want to go (even though I kept saying I want to go) because I would have asked to talk to him about it on Sunday evening to plan what food we needed to pack, and I hadn’t asked to talk to him. He said I have no foresight, I don’t plan anything ahead, he has to do everything when it comes to planning. At this point I said I don’t want to go anymore, he said actually he had packed the food already so if he could have 15 mins to calm down we could still go, and I said no. So we didn't go.

He wouldn’t cope so the children would suffer.

The children will suffer growing up in a house with two parents who don't really like each other, one of whom is fucking horrible and bullies the other.

They're learning that it's a mum's job to be nice and kind and not make a fuss, while it's a dad's job to be in charge and be the boss.

It's so incredibly damaging and unfortunately the more horrible he is to you, the more you start to question if it's a 'you' issue and his contempt for you grows as his respect lessens. Men like him are ten a penny,

Don't stay under the guise of staying 'for the kids' because it's not in their interest especially if you can afford financially to split. They won't thank you, trust me.

It's been years. This is him. He knows who he is and he knows you'd be happier and the house would be a nicer place to live if he changed. He just doesn't want to. Because it suits him, at the expense of you and the kids.

The longer you stay the more likely it is any daughters will end up with men who bully them and the more likely it is any sons will end up being shouty and unkind partners.

Nobody wins by you staying other than your arsehole husband.

@Bogeyes

Get rid of this monster. It won't improve

This.

And I feel for your DC. They are bound to feel/hear all of this bickering and tension between you two. It can't be good for them (and I know because my parents bickered constantly and it had a very negative affect on me as an adult and as a child)

I bet this man is one of those who never ever apologises for anything, because he is always right.

He could walk into a wall, and claim matter of factly that the wall should say sorry to him as it should have seen him coming

This type of man relies on a people pleasing woman who is doing well for herself, gaslighting her, and questioning herself to make him happy. I know it doesn't work, because I have been there. My DC (under 6), are also much happier no longer living with my EXDP (my then 4 year old used to ask me why their DDad was always shouting, and hates anyone raising their voice as a result).

"But I don’t want to leave him because I don’t want him to have the children on his own. He wouldn’t cope so the children would suffer. That's why I'm hoping to find ways to change the dynamic."

This is no reason or basis to remain with such a man. I doubt very much he would be at all bothered with seeing his children going forward post you separating from him. He is really not all that bothered about them now so why would he be post separation?.

There is no way to change the dynamic; this is who he is and what he is doing here works for him.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is no legacy to be leaving them at all. Better to be on your own OP than to be as badly accompanied as you are now; what are you getting from this relationship with your H exactly?.

But I don’t want to leave him because I don’t want him to have the children on his own. He wouldn’t cope so the children would suffer. That's why I'm hoping to find ways to change the dynamic.

But you can't change another person love, only that person can change themselves, and then only if they want to do that. He won't bother unless he feels like he's going to really lose you because why would he?

Maybe you think we are all wrong and he's a nice guy who's taking all his stress out on you but YOU are stressed - who's your punchbag? When I was brought to Womens Aid by my mother I thought she was overreacting. I'd stories similar to yours - a very stressed out partner who just took it out on me the whole time. But one single question the counsellor asked me unravelled it all. She asked me "why does he take it out on you? Why not his boss/colleague if it's a work issue? Or a client? Why did I have to take the brunt of his stress for events that had zero to do with me?

I had no answer - except the the bare stripped back truth, he did it because he could. Because I stayed to take it.

You've already had the Lundy Bancroft book recommended - it's such a brilliant book. Another one is Wifework.

He feels that you should in your role as mother, pack the cheese because at some point in the day it will occur to him to offer cheese to his child. You've not only to pack everything on the off-chance that he may want it handed to him, as and when he deigns, you've probably also got to plan ahead to shop for it, go get it, and make sure to remember it on the day. And that's just cheese. Do you not see how unobtainable those standards are? And also how he doesn't hold himself to anything near those same standards of parenthood?
I'm sure he's the same about nappy stocks, baby shampoo, and every other last little thing that babies need. It's not his job in his mind to remember all that shit. What with being a man and all. It's yours apparently. Doing all that while earning double and growing and birthing (and perhaps breastfeeding) two whole new humans. I think you are a bloody hero to be honest. And I don't know why you are with this awful abusive man.

I feel for you - and a lot of your descriptions of days out sound very similar to my own experience. Having limited family support, jobs and small children is exhausting. My DH is awful and grumpy when he is tired. I also get very anxious and am not that easy to be with when tired. I end up going on a spiral of controlling all the little things (snacks, volume of door slamming, routines and getting cross when DH wants to change something etc...) which makes me sound a bit like your DH.

I am not excusing his crappy behaviour (he needs to start adulting). But you mention you had time to do something for yourself. Has he had any time to do something for himself which might help his mood? When I was at my most anxious I had to be forced out of the house - but it did me good.

It sounds like he is massively over-delivering with all the days out! Does he have some anxiety about being 'stuck' at home? It may sound daft but dividing up domestic jobs so that my DH has some practical responsibility when at home has helped him feel more confident about pottering around the house with children - because he has something positive and practical to do.

I think you need to sit and talk about how you both actually want to live your life right now. How you want to enjoy your family - and make some changes.

This whole set up suits him just fine; he won't be wanting to change anything here. He has the vast amount, if not all, of the power and control within this relationship and he knows it too.

It's not a mood. It's a strategy for creating control.

He put his arm over his mouth and screamed?

WTAF? No.

You sound exhausting. Truly.

I wanted to respond earlier but the app went weird and wouldn't work!

Thank you all, truly. He's mainly gone back to being "normal" but I know it's only a matter of time when the constant criticism starts. And by time, I mean days.

Yes there are double standards. I am held to an unachievable standard (as are others) but the standards he holds for himself are ridiculously low.

It's not going to change. Even his family told me to leave him years ago when they saw how he treated me. There's no way I'm going to live the rest of my life like this.

If his family are saying this then that is damning in itself!

"H got so angry about this that he put his arm over his mouth and screamed"

This is really concerning. He's clearly got a lot of anger.
It's good that you already know you're not gonna live the rest of your life like this. You can slowly start to reorganise your life and figure out how you're gonna leave him.

Could he have autism? Some of his behaviour seems very one sided. I am a parent of a child with autism. Maybe it’s worth seeing a counsellor separately or together. You deserve to be happy but life isn’t always easy. Good luck.

@Yellowhase when I read about Aspergers, the symptoms seem to describe him very well, but he feels he's NT and I'm the one on the autistic spectrum.

He is twisting everything.

If he's been treating you like this for years, as you say, one wonders why you had children by him.

I'd leave immediately just to get the kids out of that toxic mess.