Contempt in marriage?

[HouseD]

I think H despises me and I’m not sure why, and how to get back from it. Saturday and Sunday made me realise how bad it is and today I just can’t be bothered. I have written below everything that has happened (and sorry it’s so long, but I think once you read the first few examples you will pretty much get the gist of it). Is this contempt, and is there any way to get back from it?

1. On Saturday we drove to the playground with our toddler and baby. Baby and I fell asleep in the car. When we woke up, H and toddler were gone and the electric windows were down. He had the only car keys. It was nice of him to let us sleep. I text him to say we were awake and he said he was 2 mins away. I assumed (in hindsight I should have asked) that he was coming back to lock up the car, so when he called 5 mins later asking when he should come back to lock up the car I said I was waiting for him. At this point he had a go at me saying how is he supposed to know that the baby is awake and we are ready to leave. I apologised and hung up, looked at my phone, saw that I had said “we” are awake, told him this when he got to the car. He scrolled through his phone to confirm, and said it still doesn’t mean we are ready to leave because we might have just wanted to sit in the car. All said in a stroppy, harsh tone.

1. When we got to the playground, he wanted to feed the baby some cheese and it was the only snack I had forgotten to pack, so I offered breadsticks. He looked at me pissed off and said “but I wanted to give him cheese”. I understand it’s frustrating, but I just forgot.

1. He walked away with the baby to the shade while I supervised the toddler. I couldn’t see H where he said he would be so 10 mins later I got my phone out to text him. Just as I did he came up from behind with a face like thunder and told me to focus on my toddler instead of browsing on my phone. I explained I only just took it out to text him but he ignored me.

1. I played with the toddler for a good while, then we decided to swap. H held the baby while I got baby’s dinner out standing next to a bench, and while I had a jar in one hand and a spoon in the other, toddler ran into a dangerous area. H had to step in quickly to pull toddler out, so wanted to hand baby over to me. I bent down to put the jar and spoon down on the bench and while doing so he pushed the baby so hard into me that I fell onto the bench. After he had rescued toddler I asked him why he pushed me. This he explained was also my fault (again pissed off), because instead of putting everything down I should have put everything in one hand and taken the baby with the other hand, then I would have been ready to take the baby instead of falling over.

1. When we drove home, toddler fell asleep in the car. I stayed in the car while H went into the house and started cooking dinner. When toddler woke up we went into the house. Toddler wanted to be with H so I took over the cooking. He told me what herbs and spices to add to the meat and finish off with lots of cream to make a sauce. I had added all the herbs but then realised there was no cream left. H said he would heat up some ready made sweet and sour sauce so I started plating up toddler’s food so it could cool down. I thought he was going to heat up the sauce separately as the flavours in the meat would not have gone with sweet and sour sauce. H got pissed off at me because apparently it is obvious that he was going to pour the sauce over the meat to heat it through.

1. On Sunday we went to a different park. It was about 25C. Toddler was overdue his nap so was getting cranky, so we wanted to get in the car ASAP with as little tantruming as possible so that he would quickly go to sleep. Toddler asked H if he could wear his sun hat in the car and H agreed. Toddler asked me to put his blanket over his legs and I agreed. H got so angry about this that he put his arm over his mouth and screamed. In the car I asked H why he did that and he said he was very angry at me for letting toddler have the blanket in this heat. I explained that I did not want a tantrum and I can remove the blanket when he is asleep, I was picking my battles and I don’t see why a blanket isn’t ok but wearing a hat while sleeping in a warm car is fine.

1. When we got home I got out of the car with the baby while H stayed with the sleeping toddler in the car. As I was opening the front door, H also got out of the car, and shouted at me while I was 3 metres away that I slammed the car doors too hard and need to close them more softly, then he got back in the car (and slammed the door). I was conscious that toddler was sleeping and thought I had closed the doors as quietly as possible.

1. Once toddler woke up they both came into the house, H obviously still looking angry. I asked him what he was angry about now and he called me an arsehole for putting a blanket on the toddler’s legs. He apologised pretty much straight away for calling me an arsehole but maintained the fact I was wrong about the blanket.

1. Later that evening I said to him that I appreciate he thinks I slammed the car doors but I wanted him to know I was closing them as quietly as possible as I know toddler was sleeping. H immediately got angry, raised voice, speaking over me saying “don’t say that that’s what I think, it’s not an opinion, it’s a fact that I’m stating”.

10. I had organised Easter eggs for everyone and activities for the toddler, but there was nothing for me. Toddler mentioned that the Easter bunny had hidden something in our bedroom so once the children were in bed I asked H if there was a gift I should be looking for. H said no and that he didn’t realise we do Easter eggs (I’ve done them for him for nearly 20 years). He asked whether we should stop doing it next year for each other and I said he doesn’t have to get me one if he doesn’t want to, to which he sighed really loudly and rolled his eyes so hard I’m surprised they didn’t fall out of his head.

11. Today, Monday, we had planned a few days ago to go an adventure playground in the morning and spend the day there. I had cooked tonight’s dinner yesterday so we spoke just need to heat it up today. I got up early and got the children up on time and ready to go out at our usual time (we have a set routine for day trips coinciding with naps). I asked H if he was ready to go and… it just descended into him shouting at me for 15 mins and I don’t even know where to start. Apparently I didn’t want to go (even though I kept saying I want to go) because I would have asked to talk to him about it on Sunday evening to plan what food we needed to pack, and I hadn’t asked to talk to him. He said I have no foresight, I don’t plan anything ahead, he has to do everything when it comes to planning. At this point I said I don’t want to go anymore, he said actually he had packed the food already so if he could have 15 mins to calm down we could still go, and I said no. So we didn't go.

@Ola636

If you've been with him for 20 years, he must have a lot of good stuff about him too, so I guess this is a relatively new development? Sounds like he has anger management issues and that might be for lots of reasons, stress, unhappiness at work, other things bothering him? He sounds like me when I have PMT to be honest, ha, but also when I'm very down. This needs attention, something is going on with him, might be anything, but he needs to address it. Take heart. You aren't responsible for him.

No he has hidden it better before now.

There seems to be a lack of communication and some underlying stress/issue going on. Have you tried explaining how upset it's making you feel. There may be something he wishes to address and once the air is cleared things will be better.
If not, I agree he seems to be taking whatever is bothering him out on you which isn't fair

The Gottman institute cite contempt as the number one predictor for divorce. Your husband is unpleasant and I'd want him out of my life.

Thank you everyone for your responses. To answer everyone,

Yes he is stressed and so am I. It’s the usual stress of looking after 2 children and we have no family support. However, the way he talks to me is not new. It’s been like this for years but this weekend feels particularly bad. I think what really brought it home is seeing him speak to someone else at the playground, smiling and being friendly, and I felt unbelievably jealous. But I see him talk like this on occasion to his parents too and they have said he’s always been unhappy as a child, on a strop every holiday etc. He would say he’s unhappy because he’s a foreigner in this country (I met him here) and his own country was way better (it’s not), he has no friends here because people are stuck up, we have a far right government and it’s like living in 1930s Germany etc, but the truth is he left his own country because he was unhappy there too, didn’t have any friends etc.

I have spoken many times to him in the past about how he speaks to me and most of the subtle, subjective things eg facial expression and tone of voice he doesn’t agree with. He says he’s being normal and speaking to me directly, and I’m being over sensitive. He said for example that him screaming into his arm is a good thing because he was able to express his frustration without impacting anyone eg by shouting at me, but would disagree that it’s a passive aggressive way of having a go at me and still impacts us.

We are very tired. I don’t think we have to be going out every day. I don’t think it always has to be all of us but H disagrees. On Saturday I actually had plans to stay at home and bake with my toddler, do some crafts and get some food shopping done. H said that’s not going to happen because he’s not going to waste the good weather sitting inside. It’s easy for him because I do the bigger share of the family admin and planning. I argued back but it falls on deaf ears. He literally ignores me because he has more importantly things to do.

He does have good qualities too. He arranged for me to go and participate in a hobby on Saturday morning as a surprise, which I haven’t been able to do since the children were born. He’s also the one who researched and found three activities for the children to do this weekend. He is usually the one who arranges fun stuff. But I’m the one who organises life and enables him to organise the fun things, but there seems to be no appreciation of that.

Clearing the air is pointless. It ends up in a conversation about everything I have done wrong, he hasn’t done anything to upset me and it’s my fault for being sensitive / reading him wrongly / doing whatever it is I did.

I could easily leave him. He earns a good wage. I earn double. His head has definitely not been turned as he doesn’t talk to anyone. He doesn’t like his work colleagues and they are all men anyway. He has no hobbies outside of the house. But I don’t want to leave him because I don’t want him to have the children on his own. He wouldn’t cope so the children would suffer. That's why I'm hoping to find ways to change the dynamic.

I am married to someone a bit like this OP. I think there is a root cause but it’s not necessarily something you can solve— it’s either work related stress or that he just generally isn’t happy, doesn’t like being around small kids, fed up of lack of ‘me’ time, no local friends etc— these are not your issues, but it does feel like it when they use you as their whipping post. If you earn well and he does to, I would personally separate, give it a year and see if he is any better from a distance and if his attitude improves. I wouldn’t rush to divorce, but I would have some time apart and see how you feel.

If you'dprefer to stay but want to chamge the dynamic OP, I think you need to make it clear to him that if he doesn't stop treating you like this, you WILL leave him. It needs to be a clear boundary, and you need to be willing to see it through.

Other than setting that boundary, there is nothing that you can do to make him not do this to you, this is a choice he's making, it's not (contrary to what he says) him reacting to your behaviour.

You’ve said it’s been going on for years and you’ve tried talking to him. Nothings changed. His parents have said he’s always been an unhappy child. He has no friends etc. this is clearly a deep rooted personality ‘disorder’. He won’t own it. You can’t fix this, believe me, I’ve tried. I was with a very toxic, hostile man for 20+ years. It was only once I was out that I could see that his problems were rooted in his childhood and I wasted those years believing I could fix him. I couldn’t. I left and deeply regret the wasted years. Think long and hard about the damage he is doing to your soul.

Your children are suffering, they will be aware of what's happening on some level. If you leave you are showing them what a stable home life looks like. Custody arrangements can be negotiated or if need be sorted in court or through mediation. But you need to show him this treatment is unacceptable.

He's hideous and I get the feeling he's escalating. Can you get in touch with women's aid as you need support lovely.

This sounds like my marriage (now ended in process of divorce). Feeling hurt, confused, having to check messages for facts, worried I’d been unreasonable, changing my behaviours to try and prevent his reactions etc etc I spent years making excuses for him, he was stressed, work was awful, his mother had upset him, money was tight, something had triggered a past trauma.
The reality is if this behaviour is not clearly called out immediately and solid boundaries set. (I don’t mean ‘if you behave badly I will leave’ I mean if he has consistently behaved in a way that shows you are not a priority to him, you leave.)
If he loves you and is a good guy, there will be communication and you can negotiate a change in your relationship for the better.
That is not what I did or what happened. I spent years trying to find a way to make him happy and putting up with a lot of stuff ( I now acknowledge some was abuse I wouldn’t when in it) The situation got worse until he was openly having affairs, I finally left.
Don’t spend years trying to persuade someone you have value and they should be kinder in their treatment of you. If you have to persuade them, it will never turn out well. Demonstrate it by creating space in your life for people who do value you by getting rid of the ones who don’t.

Has he always been this impatient and bad tempered. This is unacceptable

@LadyGAgain

He sounds mega stressed out. What's happening at work? Has his attitude changed and when? How is the juggle of the two young kids? Not condoning his behaviour as he sounds appalling but perhaps root cause is a good starting point. Good luck OP.

No. Just no. We just have to stop with this idea that we have to fix every tossing man who behaves like a bully. It is NOT women's role to placate and soothe every guy who acts like this. There is NO excuse for this behaviour. It's not a one off incident that he apologises for and then behaves better, it's a series of events in which he bullies, harangues and belittles the woman he's supposed to support and love.

OP I doubt if these are isolated incidents. Please consider seriously if you want to be with this man.

That was a tough read. He sounds utterly fed up. Has he ever expressed regret about not having done this or not having done that with his life? Does he resent you and the kids for "taking away his dreams" etc.?

As a man, one of the things I dislike about this forum is how readily some people will advocate breaking up a family when they don't like a DP's behaviour, but this guy is tough to defend. It sounds like you've been living in misery for years because "that's just how it is". He needs some kind of counselling/therapy if he's ever going to get over whatever it is that's dragging him down and making him miserable. Unfortunately, you can't push somebody to get that help. If they're not taking control and doing it off their own back it means nothing and won't go anywhere. The way the pair of you are will have a massive influence on your kids' lives and the relationships they have. If you continue down this road, they'll grow up thinking two unhappy people barely co-existing is the norm.

Both you and they deserve better.

@TheEnemy123

That was a tough read. He sounds utterly fed up. Has he ever expressed regret about not having done this or not having done that with his life? Does he resent you and the kids for "taking away his dreams" etc.?

As a man, one of the things I dislike about this forum is how readily some people will advocate breaking up a family when they don't like a DP's behaviour, but this guy is tough to defend. It sounds like you've been living in misery for years because "that's just how it is". He needs some kind of counselling/therapy if he's ever going to get over whatever it is that's dragging him down and making him miserable. Unfortunately, you can't push somebody to get that help. If they're not taking control and doing it off their own back it means nothing and won't go anywhere. The way the pair of you are will have a massive influence on your kids' lives and the relationships they have. If you continue down this road, they'll grow up thinking two unhappy people barely co-existing is the norm.

Both you and they deserve better.

Excellent reply

@DoItAfraid

Your post was hard to read.

💐

He is being awful to you.

This. So sorry OP.

I really think you'll be happier without him.

shouting at me for 15 mins

This alone is enough for me to end it, let alone all the other monumental shit he's doling out. It would be me despising and feeling contempt for him rather than me worrying about the other way round.

Toddler asked me to put his blanket over his legs and I agreed. H got so angry about this that he put his arm over his mouth and screamed.

There are so many Batshit reactions on DH's part in this, but this image of him suppressing a scream over a toddlers blanket...

I can't believe all these incidents happened in a weekend. My DH hasn't done half as many dickish things in our whole relationship.

He's abusive. This is 100% abuse and it's working because you're doubting yourself.

You know this isn't ok.

OP, don't accept this kind of behaviour for any reason.

But he's not a veteran or anything is he? This does sound a lot like untreated PTSD.

Still no excuse to treat you as he is, and still not your problem to fix. But if it is a MH issue there is a lot of treatment available and him accessing it will benefit your children immeasurably.

Was he always like this?

He said that’s not going to happen because he’s not going to waste the good weather sitting inside.

Who died and declared him King? If he wants to go out, he can do you all a massive favour and go.

Op you either need couples counseling or a lawyer things can't continue this way you know that you don't want your kids growing up thinking this is how relationships work

You can't change the dynamic because you're not in charge of it. What you're doing is saving your children from having a rubbish father by putting them in a position where they have a rubbish father and no example of what having a good parent is like. Either way, he is crap. Whatever you do, that will be the case. But at the moment you're demonstrating the worst possible thing to them: if someone treats you poorly, you do whatever you can to stay with them. That's what they'll replicate when they're adults.

It's time to start taking responsibility as an individual, rather than as a couple, because he's not in it with you. He's doing him, and protecting and defending himself. He's treating you like an opponent. He's choosing to be on his own. You can't make a team player out of someone who has made that decision, and essentially that's what you're hoping to do.

Your post was about how he feels about you: how do you feel about him? You say he has good point, but so did Hitler. You can't really judge a person by their good points. Murderers and psychopaths all have good points. You have to look at the bad points, and how much energy they take up. Lovely people are those who don't really have any energy for doing crap stuff, and just quietly get on with their lives without pissing people off.

How do you actually feel about him?

Is this a recent thing? Is he tired or stressed and taking it out on you. It’s not ok. Are you able to talk to him at a calm moment and find out what is really going on. Having small children is tiring and not easy but he can’t blame everything on you.

In isolation, most of the things you mention would be a storm in a teacup. But oh my God, its constant! How do you stand it? Why do you stand for it?

He either needs to get some really serious behaviour modification therapy or you need to get a divorce.

OP this is no way for you to live. Leave him and only let him have supervised access to the children. He is a horrible person

I felt tense reading that. It’s no way for anyone to live. You deserve better. Your children can’t grow up in an atmosphere like that. It’s worrying he’s physical and blaming you - pushing you over. It could easily escalate into the I hit you because you wound me up territory. From your update it’s not just a bad weekend it’s how he is.
My concern would be how he is with them 1-1 if you did split.