Would this be a deal breaker for you?

[ElfinsMum]

We moved abroad several years ago. Me and the kids are settled but DH really struggled with homesickness after the move and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. He has been on antidepressants and had regular psychology ever since and, although it has been up and down, I believed that the trend was slow improvement. He has found hobbies here, has made new friends, has a job he likes better.

The homesickness has done a huge amount of damage to our marriage. We have been together a long time, much longer than the last few years abroad, but this has definitely been our biggest unresolved conflict to date.

The other night we were having A Talk about other much more minor relationship crap, just the usual. As is quite common, he short circuited straight to "Well, everything would be so much better if we just went home." Then, he shocked me with: "Of course I'll never be happy, I've ruined the rest of my life."

Look, he's been a misery to live with for a lot of the time since we got here. I just continue to assume that he will settle in the end. But sometimes, in different circumstances, people on here say "When someone tells you who they are, listen". Would you see his comment as a red flag?

It sounds very hard for you both.

I would be very slow to uproot children that were happy and settled.

How long are you living there?

Can you support the family yourself?

Because we sounds like a huge downer on the whole family.

Him taking an extended break home could be good for you both.

Neither of you are happy with the status quo, so a break sounds like a good idea.

Him returning home could give him a rest and some clarity.

Everyone has their own view. The kids part is complex so I'm unsure what to think about that. However OPS DH is depressed and he has given it a shot to be fair on him... he also has takem responsibility by seeing a therapist. It's not working.

"Piss on their parade" the man is depressed so unless OP thinks her DH is exaggerating here I don't think it's fair to refer to it as that do you?

Has your DH ever been back OP to UK? Its a tough situation.

You’re apart of a team, one member of that team is very unhappy, you can’t just muddle along you need to sort this out. Would a different area with more ‘Brits’ be an idea? Would a different part of the UK suit you all? Somewhere in the highlands Scotland loads of outdoor space very rural! You can’t just expect him to cheer up, he’s got depression.

@mbosnz I’m similar. I would move to another continent in a heartbeat. But my DD is settled and I need to make peace that staying is what’s right for her.

He sounds like he'll make your lives miserable wherever you are.

Yep, I've done the anti-depressants, and the therapy. Correction, am doing.

One of the very fundamental things I do, is when my DH or my kids express joy or appreciation about something in what is now our mutually decided home country, is to try to find joy in their joy. It's not their fault I'm not happy.

I haven't been back home yet. We were supposed to go back, two years ago, but pandemic. In a way, it's a good thing, because we're that much more embedded. In another way, I'm now afraid to go back - because I don't know whether I'll love it there still, and not want to leave, or find that I don't feel I belong there anymore either!

And like Newjobformoremoney says, it's not about me - and it's not about her DH either. It's about the family as a whole, and most importantly, what is best for the kids.

This is quite weird. I feel like I'm arguing against myself here!

[quote ElfinsMum]@badnomad That all sounds very noble and it is fundamentally true.

But it doesn't capture the misery he is inflicting along the way: he pisses on our parade the whole time. Every Australian show the kids watch on telly is crap, every sports team they support is rubbish, every Australian topic they learn in school is wrong or ridiculous. It hurts them. They can't help what's on TV or the school curriculum. And we chose to bring them here.

That's also what I meant by the red flag: how long can we (should we) weather this??[/quote]
OK that's different.

I have lived in a few countries. I felt desperately homesick for years. DH didn't want to move but said he'd consider it for a couple of years for me. That was important.

However, equally important was me not pissing on everyone's chips. Not moaning incessantly about how awful everything is or how great it is somewhere else. Having moved a couple of times, I know culture shock works both ways and moving back is just as hard in some ways.

You need to work on empathy and he needs to work on not slagging everything off. There are things one can do to alleviate homesickness but it takes work.

But it doesn't capture the misery he is inflicting along the way: he pisses on our parade the whole time. Every Australian show the kids watch on telly is crap, every sports team they support is rubbish, every Australian topic they learn in school is wrong or ridiculous. It hurts them. They can't help what's on TV or the school curriculum. And we chose to bring them here

Now that is way out of line, and very unfair on your children.

Slagging off their culture and country and interests and lives IS a red flag, yes. He should be building their self-esteem, not rubbishing the lives they lead.

We are long seasoned expats.

If one of us doesn't like it that much after 12-18 months, we move.

Life is too short for someone to be utterly miserable.
IMO you have 2 choices.

1. Break up the family unit and continue with your Australian dream as a single parent. (But where would he go? He might not wish to move away from his children in which case, his mental health is still severely damaged.)
2. Move.

I would personally choose option 2. I would not want my partner to be miserable or my DC's childhood to be impacted by a parent who was suffering. I would not overthink it.

You know what is right for you and your family.

How long have you been in Oz now?

[quote ElfinsMum]@Aprilx Was your whole family happy to return home because you were unhappy? In our family, two of us are happy here and don't want to leave, two can't remember living in the UK so don't really get a vote, and DH would like to leave tomorrow (most days).[/quote]
Yes. But then my husband is not somebody who would be able to happily get on with his own life and ignore the fact that I am desperately unhappy. Fortunately we both think the needs of the person suffering are the greater need.

We were expats for 15 years and I met quite a few women like @mbosnz.

The definitely would have preferred to return home but didn't because their childrens lives were very happy and successful.

Not an easy road, particularly when much loved elderly parents were in the mix.

Many built annexes that family could come and have an extended stay in, and that helped.
But that was some years ago and probably when things were less expensive.

The thing is, clinical depression/anxiety are unreasonable by nature. People with these conditions don’t think/behave in a logical way where “doing X” will magically stop them from being unwell. It’s not that simple. If it was that simple, we wouldn’t have a mental health crisis.

The fact is he could be just as depressed back in the UK, he’s susceptible to it now as part of his diagnosis. He could live in his most theoretical/perfect situation and have poor mental health, as it’s the nature of his condition

An annex will not help with my parents, my Mum is as embedded in my home country as I was!

But at least now, if need be, I can go home if I'm needed. It was horrible while that was not possible.

He had never been diagnosed with a mental illness before we came here, but as soon as he was we both recognised other periods of change when he had had a similar, if less severe, reaction
You've seen this and recognised it. It isn't about Australia. It is about his poor mental health. He wont be happy anywhere. Moving home will upset the whole family and he will still be miserable. He needs to work with his therapist on coping strategies and adding joy to his life.

But it doesn't capture the misery he is inflicting along the way: he pisses on our parade the whole time.
This is absolutely unacceptable. He is purposely inflicting his misery on everyone else. It is utterly selfish. He is unhappy so everyone must be. I would have a zero tolerance for this. It is massively damaging to everyone around him.

Move back because he thinks the grass is greener... and what if he is still unhappy? What then ?

He sounds like a misery guts and you’re always going to be the one at fault because all you have to do to make him magically happy is to make you and the kids miserable by moving. He is blaming you for his unhappiness but I bet it would not be magically cured by moving to the UK. I’d honestly consider splitting with him, it sounds like a bit of a shitty home environment anyway, perhaps you and the kids would be happier if you and him lived separately?

Thé cure for dépression is getting professional medical help:anti depressions,counselling,CBT,monitoring by a medical professional eg GP etc

Moving back to the Uk isn't going to magically cure his depression.

How does he know where he'll be happy unless he does something to help his mental health issues first?

I was unhappy abroad, and happier once I returned home. His depression may be due to homesickness.

How old are your kids? How long have you been living out there? Can you ping pong Pom and move back for 6-12 months, to help make an informed decision? Maybe he is happier in the UK, maybe the kids are too. Or if not, it certainly clarifies things. Time overseas could be a real adventure for your kids too.

@TracyMosby

He had never been diagnosed with a mental illness before we came here, but as soon as he was we both recognised other periods of change when he had had a similar, if less severe, reaction You've seen this and recognised it. It isn't about Australia. It is about his poor mental health. He wont be happy anywhere. Moving home will upset the whole family and he will still be miserable. He needs to work with his therapist on coping strategies and adding joy to his life.

But it doesn't capture the misery he is inflicting along the way: he pisses on our parade the whole time.
This is absolutely unacceptable. He is purposely inflicting his misery on everyone else. It is utterly selfish. He is unhappy so everyone must be. I would have a zero tolerance for this. It is massively damaging to everyone around him.

Great post.

Im abroad with my DH, hate it here at times, became clinically depressed, went on antidepressants. Would love to go back to UK but don't want to go on my own, DH is happy here, he can't go to UK because of immigration issues.

When was the last time he went back to the UK?

You don’t say how many years you’ve been living abroad, OP, or when exactly your DH started to express these feelings. Could it be that Covid has exacerbated the situation? It’s one thing missing your ‘home’ country when you know you can always get on a plane and visit, and quite another when you’re effectively trapped somewhere with no idea of when you can travel again as has been the case for people in Aus. He’s had the best part of two years to dwell on everything he hates about your current life and to blow it up in his mind, as can easily happens with depression.

I’d suggest a longish summer break for you all in the UK, make it a big deal, something for everyone to plan for and look forward to, and take it from there, he may just get the homesickness out of his system. (Or you and the kids may just come round to the idea of moving back after a trip there).

I'm also living overseas, but both my husband and I love it here.

Perhaps you can try counseling together before thinking of moving. A move back is a very big decision, if you move back perhaps you and your DC will be unhappy.

Perhaps he can try going on long holidays on his own back home.

The question is, will you really be happy if you move back? Would your marriage already have suffered irreparable damage?