Would this be a deal breaker for you?

[ElfinsMum]

We moved abroad several years ago. Me and the kids are settled but DH really struggled with homesickness after the move and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. He has been on antidepressants and had regular psychology ever since and, although it has been up and down, I believed that the trend was slow improvement. He has found hobbies here, has made new friends, has a job he likes better.

The homesickness has done a huge amount of damage to our marriage. We have been together a long time, much longer than the last few years abroad, but this has definitely been our biggest unresolved conflict to date.

The other night we were having A Talk about other much more minor relationship crap, just the usual. As is quite common, he short circuited straight to "Well, everything would be so much better if we just went home." Then, he shocked me with: "Of course I'll never be happy, I've ruined the rest of my life."

Look, he's been a misery to live with for a lot of the time since we got here. I just continue to assume that he will settle in the end. But sometimes, in different circumstances, people on here say "When someone tells you who they are, listen". Would you see his comment as a red flag?

Is it possible for him to go home for a holiday on his own? maybe it is a case of the grass is greener and going to the UK will give him a chance to see things with some perspective.

I don't have an answer to your dilemma re going home but what he said about never being happy really resonates with me. We moved overseas 10ish years ago. I've been homesick since we arrived & it's never gone away. I would go home in a heartbeat but my Husband loves it here. My Eldest has grown up here & really has no memory of living at 'home'. My younger kids were born here so this is home for them. I'm stuck here, it's not home it never will be, but I don't fit at home now either. I feel like this move has ruined my life & I will never be truly happy ever again. Now that's my pity party over!.

That's tough. He may feel it's a possibility now as borders were closed for so long and are now open. As others said I think he needs to come back for a bit and see how he feels.

I know how he feels to be honest. I live in an EU country and I don't like it. I've done what I can to try and fit in.

My DH thinks ignoring it will make it go away. It won't.

I don't know what the answer is, I've accepted I'm staying put until my kids are older. I don't know what I'll do then but I'm not staying here.

My DH is not from the UK and doesn't want to go back there which I understand.

Can he pinpoint why he's unhappy where you are? Is it missing family and friends, or something more nebulous?

You said he is in a better job and has made some friends and is active in a hobby. So it does sound like he's doing the right things to help himself. It's not like he's just sat on his arse refusing to participate in the new country.

Was he initially excited about the move or was it something you drove more? Was he discontent with life in the UK and believed a move would "fix" him?

I would definitely be concerned that if you uproot the whole family again, he could end up being just as depressed back home.

Is there any way he could return to the UK for, say, 6 months, stay with family, work (so it's not like a holiday bubble) and see how he feels - then discuss again?

If he moved back alone, could you afford between you for him to fly out (or the kids to him) twice a year for an extended period?

@ElfinsMum but then you and the dc’s would be unhappy?ultimately you would then end up depressed.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation We both agree it was a joint decision to move. We wanted a more outdoor, less urban environment for our kids and more access to sport.

We had lived in the same part of Aus before we had kids on a temporary posting. We had both enjoyed it, although he took longer to settle than me that time too... like a year, manageable.

Oh and no, he can't really pinpoint why he is unhappy. Just a general feeling of not fitting in. Finds not knowing stuff he would know in the UK frustrating, everything from how pensions works to what bird or wildflower he is looking at.

(I find learning a new country really interesting... maybe not pensions so much but most things. And for stuff like plants and birds I just ask our kids to tell me )

@HeDidWhattt

It sounds to me like your the red flag. His not happy and his telling you this, your answer is to ignore it and pretend things are getting better or accuse him of being a destructive red flag!!!

Exactly. OP post is odd and selfish. Shown you who he is? The man is unhappy so the conversation should be let the man free... its making him unwell. Nobody on here has right to be arguing other wise I would be quite alarmed tbh if it was my DH.

I was your husband in this scenario. We lived in Europe for 10 years but I never settled, even though I developed new hobbies and friends and was well integrated into the local community. My DH was very happy, he kept telling me I would settle; I think he though if he told me enough times it would become true. Our marriage suffered terribly. I did come back every 6 weeks for a week or so and once a year for a month but it wasn't enough.

In the end I decided I would come home and he could stay, I wasn't going to force him but I needed to come home. I thought if he came with me we would just be reversing the situation - I would be happy and he would be miserable. I couldn't see a compromise and felt that our marriage would inevitably end and, if it was going to, I wanted to be on my own at home.

However, he decided to come with me and it has been OK; he has settled back into life in the UK. There is much about the UK we don't like but I have no regrets and he doesn't have many. The damage to our relationship was deep and I don't think we will ever get back to where we were but we are together and we are happy.

I don't have any advice, I just understand how difficult it is for both of you. I felt that there was no compromise as we wanted different things. I couldn't make myself happy living abroad but I felt that I couldn't ask my DH to make himself unhappy by forcing him to return.

I wish you both the best and hope you an find the compromise we failed to. 💐

I'm not sure any answer is going to make you all happy. Either you stay in Aus and he never ends up settling and is always unhappy. Or you move back to the UK, where your dh might be happier but you and the kids might not. Or you separate and he only gets to see the kids for several weeks a year. Whatever, you need to sit down and have a proper talk through your options. And also maybe show a little more empathy for him, because it's really not coming across in your post that you are.

@Countdownis35 How can I let him free? He could return home tomorrow by himself. But he wants to continue living with me and the children because he loves us.

Well that’s something that someone who is depressed would say.

How long were you with him before? Anything that indicated long term depression? And has he had proper therapy rather than just drugs? It seems a bit unlikely life in Aus could be that different.. I think some proper therapy and perhaps a month on his own back in the UK. If he chooses to ask you to uproot he needs to be clear it will help. He also needs to take responsibly for his mental heath, he sounds v passive right now.)

[quote ElfinsMum]@Countdownis35 How can I let him free? He could return home tomorrow by himself. But he wants to continue living with me and the children because he loves us.[/quote]
So what is the deal breaker question then? I assumed it was on your part? I don't doubt that he loves you all nobody stated otherwise.
But you can love someone and they can be making you miserable.

@Flakjacketon I identify with so much in your post.

How was your relationship and his mental health before moving to Australia?

I moved abroad after university together with my boyfriend. As much as I loved it and lived there for nearly a decade, I missed Europe. It was a factor in my pulling away from him and leaving him to come back home.

I had lots of friends, a great job and everything but I just didn't want to settle there.

I do miss Asia but I am happy with my choice.

However, I wasn't unhappy or depressed , just wanted to not settle there.

Maybe he should go back to the UK for a while and see how he feels and then you can decide as a family.

@countdownis35 Well yes, I think the "red flag" is really a chequered flag: our Australian dream could be at an end. His depression may force us home

I would go home if my partner was that unhappy.

Didn't you have a plan before you left of what you'd do if one of you didn't like it?

@Momijin I would describe our relationship as long, deep and deeply unexciting, at least to anyone else except us . As I said, this is really our first serious, long term issue. But we're normally quite boring and safe.

He had never been diagnosed with a mental illness before we came here, but as soon as he was we both recognised other periods of change when he had had a similar, if less severe, reaction.

@Ratatoo We had already lived in this exact suburb and both liked it. Thought we were playing it fairly safe. Didn't foresee a problem.

[quote ElfinsMum]@Fedupbuyer But then he would basically have to give up his children to go home. I couldn't do that to him.[/quote]
You can give him the choice though. Tell him to go home and see if he's a any happier.

I'm another who is your partner in your post.

DH, and the girls are relatively reconciled/happy living here. I'm not. However, because my girls and DH are better for the move, I try to muzzle it. I am on anti-depressants now, after having something of a mother of all meltdowns.

It's not DH's fault. We mutually agreed to move here. I knew and acknowledged I could struggle, because I did when we came here for three years over twenty years ago. I thought it would be different this time, because we had our girls, we could afford to live nicely, I knew what we were in for, I could get myself a cat.

Okay, I didn't factor in a pandemic. And not being able to go back for four years. . . . going home for a month without my family would not help. It's not home I miss, per se, it's it being our home.

Homesickness is shit. I feel for your husband. On the other hand, no one is responsible for anyone else's happiness. No one can fix mine for me. We're autonomous adults, who can make choices, and we have to live with the consequences of our actions resulting from our choices. No one else ruined his life. No one else is responsible for repairing his life. And there really is no one silver bullet, when you start to think about possible directions, e.g. moving back home, which costs a bloody fortune, and uproots the kids, who don't have the same luxury of choice, yet a bloody gain.

@Luredbyapomegranate Thank you, framing it like that is v helpful. I know I will probably get flamed by all the people who have been homesick, but I don't really think he will do what it takes to recover as long as he continues to believe (and tell me) that the only way he will ever get better is to go home.

@gamerchick We have discussed him returning to the UK alone and even at his lowest he was clear he could never do it.

He's not a passive passenger here, he is an adult with agency and autonomy.

He might have some tough choices to make.

I don't know if I'll ever get to go home. I have choices as to how to deal with that. One of those choices is not pretending like this 'happened' to me, and I wasn't a major part of making what turned out to be a very problematic choice! Therefore, I try to minimise the impact of my homesickness on my family, particularly my kids, and to find the good in where we are. Sure, I have my downtimes, don't we all, but I'm not a victim. And neither is your husband.