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Relationships

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Original poster

Would this be a deal breaker for you?

109 replies

ElfinsMum · 17/04/2022 15:01

We moved abroad several years ago. Me and the kids are settled but DH really struggled with homesickness after the move and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. He has been on antidepressants and had regular psychology ever since and, although it has been up and down, I believed that the trend was slow improvement. He has found hobbies here, has made new friends, has a job he likes better.

The homesickness has done a huge amount of damage to our marriage. We have been together a long time, much longer than the last few years abroad, but this has definitely been our biggest unresolved conflict to date.

The other night we were having A Talk about other much more minor relationship crap, just the usual. As is quite common, he short circuited straight to "Well, everything would be so much better if we just went home." Then, he shocked me with: "Of course I'll never be happy, I've ruined the rest of my life."

Look, he's been a misery to live with for a lot of the time since we got here. I just continue to assume that he will settle in the end. But sometimes, in different circumstances, people on here say "When someone tells you who they are, listen". Would you see his comment as a red flag?

OP posts:

MJ123 · 17/04/2022 17:45

[quote ElfinsMum]@Luredbyapomegranate Thank you, framing it like that is v helpful. I know I will probably get flamed by all the people who have been homesick, but I don't really think he will do what it takes to recover as long as he continues to believe (and tell me) that the only way he will ever get better is to go home.[/quote]
See, this sounds like you think you know how he's feeling better than he does.

Why would you marry someone if you didn't think they could properly articulate their needs in a relationship?

Original poster

ElfinsMum · 17/04/2022 17:50

@MJ123 But if going home isn't really an option because your kids basically ARE Australian now....? Sorry, it frustrates me, you're right, I'm probably not being v nice

OP posts:

Newjobformoremoney · 17/04/2022 17:53

Oh op I am sorry. My sister and her husband were like that (another country and moved to the Uk) and in the end headed back.
My sisters husband would move in a heartbeat, and now my sisters has had kids she fully understands her decision to move back to our home country and the effect it will have on her children.
It’s shit. No one wins. I think there is a lot of oversimplification on this thread.
They are now looking at options to move somewhere else (maybe Uk, maybe aus) but logistically it’s so much harder.
I wish I had better advice for you, but jo matter what it will be a tough decision.
I don’t live in my country of my birth and sometimes get homesick. I find going back for two weeks is enough.
Good luck.

mbosnz · 17/04/2022 17:54

Once again, he was part of the decision. Part of that decision is that your kids put down roots in the other country, make friends, get educated, absorb the culture, and slowly, relate more to that country than to the one that their parents call home. And then the parents have to make the choice - country or kids? Because 1. it isn't fair to keep dragging your kids across the globe, expecting them to suck it up buttercup, when you're not prepared to do so yourself, and 2. your kids become increasingly powerful in their voice, and their choice.

MJ123 · 17/04/2022 17:56

[quote ElfinsMum]@MJ123 But if going home isn't really an option because your kids basically ARE Australian now....? Sorry, it frustrates me, you're right, I'm probably not being v nice [/quote]
Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's an easy situation at all! It sounds very tough.

But it sounds tough for you both. You don't want to uproot your life and your children's life and he doesn't want to be miserable or miss out on his DC. It doesn't feel as though anyone is being unreasonable there?

I think the issue with dismissing his difficulties as him not trying hard enough is that it could come across as patronising and worst still, extremely selfish. Like him feeling bad is inconvenient to you?

Empathy on both sides sounds like it may help.

Hope you manage to find a solution.

BadNomad · 17/04/2022 18:08

It sounds like he realises he has made a mistake moving there, but he's going to live with it, for the sake of his family, rather than leave or insist everyone moves back. The meds, therapy, hobbies etc all show that he is trying to come to terms with potentially being unhappy for the rest of his life. So is it really that hard to listen to him moan about it now and again? I do feel sorry for him.

user1492809438 · 17/04/2022 18:20

He is not attempting to address/ manage his depression, but he is quite happy to make you and your children unhappy by pushing for a return to the UK/ How very self centred.

noodlezoodle · 17/04/2022 18:21

If you moved back to the UK and things didn't improve, would you be able to move back to Aus again? If the answer is yes then I think it might be worth a go, despite all the upheaval. I would find it difficult to know that my DH had resigned himself to an unhappy life for my family's benefit.

I've lived abroad for 10 years and only rarely get twinges of homesickness - if I felt that way all the time I imagine it would be unbearable. I don't think it's a matter of making an effort - some people are comfortable being perpetual 'outsiders' and some people are not.

I don't want to move back to the UK but I will say that when I visit there's a deep seated comfort in knowing people understand me, I understand them, and I just know how everything works. For me that wouldn't be worth moving back, but I fully understand people who make that choice.

noodlezoodle · 17/04/2022 18:22

@user1492809438

He is not attempting to address/ manage his depression, but he is quite happy to make you and your children unhappy by pushing for a return to the UK/ How very self centred.

What?! The OP says he takes antidepressants and has counselling. How is that not attempting to manage his depression?

maddy68 · 17/04/2022 18:22

I also live abroad. O could never move back to the UK so that would be a deal breaker in itself to me

ChairCareOh · 17/04/2022 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

Original poster

ElfinsMum · 17/04/2022 18:24

@badnomad That all sounds very noble and it is fundamentally true.

But it doesn't capture the misery he is inflicting along the way: he pisses on our parade the whole time. Every Australian show the kids watch on telly is crap, every sports team they support is rubbish, every Australian topic they learn in school is wrong or ridiculous. It hurts them. They can't help what's on TV or the school curriculum. And we chose to bring them here.

That's also what I meant by the red flag: how long can we (should we) weather this??

OP posts:

Newjobformoremoney · 17/04/2022 18:25

@ChairCareOh can I ask if you live abroad?

BadNomad · 17/04/2022 18:29

If moving back to the UK isn't an option anymore because it will just make other people miserable, then what's the alternative if he can't force himself to be happy? Will you end your marriage so none of you have to put up with his moods daily?

mbosnz · 17/04/2022 18:29

OP is not 'forcing' him to stay. He is choosing to stay, just as he had equal choice to go.

It's not fair to the family to bitch and moan and be a complete downer when they are committing the crime of being happy, or at least, relatively content, to be in the country both OP and her husband chose to move to.

Regularsizedrudy · 17/04/2022 18:32

It sounds like he’s trying really hard to improve his mental health, meds, therapy etc. these things are bloody hard work! If me and my husband moved 1000s of miles away and I was miserable I would really hope he would put my mental health first. His options are basically leave and lose his kids or stay and be unhappy. I would massively resent you if I was him.

Belkell · 17/04/2022 18:32

To me, reading this as a randomer the red flag is… this sounds like the depression thinking. (Don’t know what the technical term is)

He is deeply unhappy/clinically depressed. When you are so far down in that depression you grab an idea like a drowning man grabbing a lifebelt. You cling on to that idea through all the throes of that depression. Ive been there myself, and I’ve seen it in others.

No one can know if going home will actually be the thing to fix him. It might be the thing that triggered the depression but it doesn’t mean reversing it will fix it. It’s a beguiling thought but it no more stands to reason than breaking your left leg will help fix a broken right leg. The damage is done. And he needs to focus on repairing the depression not creating more upheaval.

There used to be a poster on an expat forum years ago. She was very depressed and was a fairly prolific poster. She was adamant that depression would be fixed by returning to her home country. Her DH was working out a fixed term contract in London and she was counting down the months.

A little while later she popped up, and mentioned how she was looking forward to coming back to the UK as her homeland made her depressed. She was counting down the days till her DH contract in the uk started.

When people queried why her move home hadn’t had the expected effect, she said her homeland was dreadful, London was actually great and she was sure it was because she actually just hated the suburb she had been in. She moved to the ‘right‘ party of London and .. yep.. turns out it was the uk after all. She was sure she actually just needed to move to the right part of her homeland….. it was obvious to anyone looking in from the outside, she could no more outrun the depression than she could her own shadow.

So it is possible you agree to come home, but his depression isn’t fixed (because it is now entrenched) plus he’ll be depressed because it is actually change that is a trigger, not location. So he’ll be prolonging the agony, plus as a caring sort, he’ll be tying himself in knots that everyone else isn’t jumping for joy to live here.

I don’t know what the answer IS.. but just wanted to share the story to demonstrate that uprooting everything and spending £££ to get back here might not actually do any good anyway.

Newjobformoremoney · 17/04/2022 18:37

@Regularsizedrudy she isn’t forcing him. That isn’t fair or kind to put on her. They made a decision, their kids are settled and they now have a life, a job abroad.
There are so many factors to consider. It’s not a simply conversation. Plus even if you do move there is no guarantee that he would be happy.
Ultimately though, I think OP doesn’t have much choice to move back. But what about the kids and their sense of identity?

Vanderpump · 17/04/2022 18:38

The taking it out on everyone else would really piss me off

Homesickness is so hard to deal with but it isn't the kids fault, maybe if he changed his way of thinking he would feel a bit better . I would get him to see someone

Aconitum · 17/04/2022 18:39

[quote ElfinsMum]@badnomad That all sounds very noble and it is fundamentally true.

That's also what I meant by the red flag: how long can we (should we) weather this??[/quote]
He's being a selfish childish twat. Tell him to p*ss off back home.

Countdownis35 · 17/04/2022 18:40

@mbosnz

OP is not 'forcing' him to stay. He is choosing to stay, just as he had equal choice to go.

It doesn't really matter if he agreed or not we obviously know he must of agreed at some point. However moving abroad is a huge deal perhaps the reality didn't live up?

It's not a crime to change your mind or come to a realisation something isn't for you.... that's the problem here. What does OP want from this thread? Because it's a long standing issue it seems. It's clear there's 1 of 2 choices here and only her of her DH can make that choice!

Countdownis35 · 17/04/2022 18:42

@tempester28

Is it possible for him to go home for a holiday on his own? maybe it is a case of the grass is greener and going to the UK will give him a chance to see things with some perspective.

I think would be a good idea.

Regularsizedrudy · 17/04/2022 18:43

[quote Newjobformoremoney]@Regularsizedrudy she isn’t forcing him. That isn’t fair or kind to put on her. They made a decision, their kids are settled and they now have a life, a job abroad.
There are so many factors to consider. It’s not a simply conversation. Plus even if you do move there is no guarantee that he would be happy.
Ultimately though, I think OP doesn’t have much choice to move back. But what about the kids and their sense of identity?[/quote]
I didn’t say she was forcing him. I said those were his options and they are both shitty options so no wonder he is pissed off!

miltonj · 17/04/2022 18:50

It's not a red flag and it's not him telling you who he is. This does not make him a bad person.

He does not like where he is and he has expressed this to you and been honest from early on. He's given it a go for you and even compromised his happiness. Maybe have a think about wether you could return home and would you end up resenting him.

mbosnz · 17/04/2022 18:50

I know moving abroad is a huge deal - I'm living that huge deal right now!

It's not a crime to change your mind. But from where I'm sitting - which is a very similar position to OP's DH's chair - it's really important that you own your part of the decision to move, rather than change the narrative to one in which you are a victim.

If anyone has a right to a victims' narrative in such a situation, it's the kids - they don't have the same voice, or power of veto.

Since the kids are well settled, I think the DH has to make some hard choices - should he stay, or should he go. But it's unfair to uproot the kids yet again, when they have adapted and thrived. It's also unfair to piss on their parade for having the temerity to enjoy where they're living - which is where HE has responsibility along with the OP for having put them there.

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