I'm reeling from something DH said this morning, D does not stand for Darling!

[Squashed]

Last night he tried to initiate sex and I rejected him. He initiates once in a blue moon, and there is no affection or physical contact apart from that. His methods are as follows, rolls over to cuddle me, pushes his crotch in to my back/bottom, then shoves his hands up my top to have a feel. He makes some 'joke' about how it's his 'right' when I am not keen. My labido is at an all time low, but the sex has never been good anyway, if we do it, I generally find myself trying to consider the greater good during the act.
Our conversation this morning went as follows:
ME "you won't look elsewhere for sex will you?"
HIM "well, I'm not getting it at home am I?"
I walked away, and he called me back for a hug, and said he had only been joking.

I'm not in love with him, and never have been, just sort of fell in to the relationship, both found it hard to leave, and now there are two beautiful children involved, whom we both adore, and they adore him too. The relationship is a mess. I don't think he's a nice person really, he was terribly damaged by his parent's divorce. He doesn't care for me apart from financially.
I gave up my job/career two years ago to stay at homw with the children, and would really struggle to go back to the same thing, so I have no idea what to do instead. I had always hoped that we could make things last until they were of school age, and I'm sure we could, but ............ oh god, I'm waffling on and on, I have no idea what to do. I spend my whole life cooking, cleaning, changing nappies, going to play groups etc etc, I literally have no time to do anything else.

Am I over reacting? I haven't gone mad at him or anything, but I do think he means it, I suspect it's the most honest thing he's ever said to me.

I noticed another couple of threads on here that would be relavent and will look through them now.

Oh bugger, am I going to get slated now, or even worse, completely ignored.............

I was in a no sex marriage although it was him not me. I left last March and have never been happier. We get on really well, the kids are so happy as we always put them first.
I don't know if you've got to that stage but in my opinion as long as you keep the lines of communtication open then it's ok for the kids.
Keep posting hun we're all here for you xx

Not completely ignored - I have read your post and am so sorry that I don't have brilliant guidance -
I have always thought that we should reverse the life is too short thing and remind ourselves that life can be very very long and if you are in a miserable relationship till you die at and average of 86 for a woman - that is a heck of a long time to be miserable.

Good luck with what ever you do but it does sound like some things should change either within the marriage or bigger changes .

for you. What a mean thing to say, joking or not, and I'm sorry your having problems. I just wish I had some useful advice but I don't - just want to offer some sympathy though.

love the analogy jingleyjen

oh dear it looks like you have made some terrible decisions in the past and are now apparently stuck with them...or rather have never made a positive decision and are in this position by default

your problem is your inability to make a decision so what happens is that circumstances make them for you

you have to start weighing up pros and cons and taking an active role in your own life and face up to the fact that you are responsible for your own future

lifes short, dont go through it being unhappy

squashed, sorry you are having a tough time. You are not the only one. I have a terrible relationship with my dp.

We have 6 kids, the youngest just 9 months old. The on;ly reason we have had enough sex to have these children is because I did all the work as I wanted the babies.

We have not had sex since 2006 .
I'd like to but he's not interested in me.
I would dearly love to leave but we are tied together for the near future at least.
I have no words of advice really just wanted to add my support.
I too am A sahm and the endless rounds of cooking, cleaning, school runs etc leave me completely empty too.

Aside from the fact that it all sounds very sad,I can't really see what you have to be upset about.
You won't give him sex,you don't love him and yet you tell him not to look for it elsewhere.
Eh?????

What about coming back with

'well if sex was more enjoyable for me, you might find I'd turn into a nymph but your skills leave a bit to be desired dear'

Harsh but true perhaps - not fair for him to blame you for the lack of sex if he doesn't try to turn you on.

If you don't love him however, then I would consider leaving - why can't you go back to what you did before?

Life is too short to stay in a loveless marriage.

You say his parents divorce damaged him - you are doing the same to your kids allowing them to see your oveless marraige - do you want them to grow up thinking that is the norm?

You can either tackle the issue and both get some counselling - maybe that will help with the way he views relationship and will help change yours or maybe reclaim soe time back for you - get a sitter or send the kids to nursery for a couple of day s aweek and do something that you really want to do - go to college or do voluntary work or go to the gym maybe.

Or you can get out - the children are probably of an age where they will not be damaged as your husband was - my DD was 2.5 when myself and her father split - we had 2 years of hell after that but she is fine now - very normal loving relaxed child.

I do think you should speak to your husband about how you feel though - maybe you are depressed too and that is not helping how you view yourself and your libido too!

moondog I think the op is complaining that he never shows her any affection generally.

Perhaps if he did she would feel more cherished and loved and by default more sexual.
He just wanted to get his end away, he could have used his hands

at the risk of sounding like someone else here - go back to work so you will at least have the independence to walk away if you want to.

thank you for the replies, it's really nice. I don't really want to talk about it in rl for obvious reasons. I don't know, I'm half way through the 'should you stay together for the sake of the kids' thread which I can't believe I've missed until now, it's exactly the sort of thread title I was thinking about starting. I just don't really want things to come to a head.....yet......it's a nightmare.
I knwo what will happen, he will come home and all will be ignored/fine, and I will know what he intends, he will ignore that fact, and the rotten stake which runs through the core of our relationship, and inevitably our home, will become more intrenched and firmer........but we will get by for a bit longer. oh waffle waffle

I think you should go back to work. Extended periods in the home with small kids do crush you,emotionally and sexually.

squashed
you need to stop procrastinating and make some decisions

and so does you dh

you are both just too lazy to tackle a situation which has arisen because you are both too lazy or to cowardly to make decisions

Nice one zippi

Sounds horrible. I am in a sexless marriage - him not me. BUT - we love each other. I KNOW he loves me - he may not be physically affectionate aside from hugs and kisses but I feel loved.

Could you talk to him? Would counselling help? Does he realise his parents divorce affected him? Would he want that for the children he adores?

I agree with moondog. I am in a similar situation myself.

I agree with moondog. I am in a similar situation myself.

Zippi should read the menopausal thread about rage. YOu sound pretty angry today!

What part Rah,the sex or the work.
If I didn't want to have sex with dh I would fully expect him to find it elsewhere.
It's a normal part of being a human being.

I completely see it from your POV@Squashed (honestly, I do), but try and see it from your husband's POV, too, for a minute. He is also trapped in a loveless and sexless marriage. He is obviously just going through the motions, too. It sounds pretty miserable for both of you, to be honest. You have a few options. Work on the marriage (counselling, sex therapy, time alone together etc). Put up and shut up. Break up. If you truly do not love this man, cannot bear any physical contact with him and don't think he is a very nice person - end the relationship. It won't be easy, but at least you will be taking some definite and brave action to end an unhappy situation in the hope of a happier future, rather than becoming a worn down martyr who stays 'for the sake of the kids'.

well imo it's true kitty from what squashed says

they are in their relationship which has no love init by default

if squashed wants things to improve she and her dh have to take some positive decisions to make changes and not just let things happen around them

you can't go on like that...inevitably things deteriorate

There's an interesting thread on here about whether or not you should stay together for the sake of the kids - that would be good for you to read.

You are with a man who you've never loved, who doesn't care for you and who makes you miserable.
The sad thing is that you chose to have children with this man when you knew you didn't love him. But nobody can judge you for that, you made your decisions, or chose to just go along with things, and something wonderful has come from it.

You had a job/career so give youself some credit - you are more than capable of getting a job again and you don't need him financially.

Your wonderful children have come from this so that is something positive to focus on.
But don't teach them that it's good to stay in an unhappy marriage at all costs.

Do you want to save the marriage? Would you both consider going to Relate or something similar? Can you get a babysitter and have some time alone to really talk all this through?

I always believe you should work at a marriage and never walk away until you really have done everything you can to save it.

But either way, I think you need to take positive steps to start putting this right, or else walk away and try to find some happiness alone. But please don't stay living this way. The children will pick up on it. And really, life is too short to be that miserable.

I hope you work it out.

The work bit moondog.