I'm reeling from something DH said this morning, D does not stand for Darling!

[Squashed]

Last night he tried to initiate sex and I rejected him. He initiates once in a blue moon, and there is no affection or physical contact apart from that. His methods are as follows, rolls over to cuddle me, pushes his crotch in to my back/bottom, then shoves his hands up my top to have a feel. He makes some 'joke' about how it's his 'right' when I am not keen. My labido is at an all time low, but the sex has never been good anyway, if we do it, I generally find myself trying to consider the greater good during the act.
Our conversation this morning went as follows:
ME "you won't look elsewhere for sex will you?"
HIM "well, I'm not getting it at home am I?"
I walked away, and he called me back for a hug, and said he had only been joking.

I'm not in love with him, and never have been, just sort of fell in to the relationship, both found it hard to leave, and now there are two beautiful children involved, whom we both adore, and they adore him too. The relationship is a mess. I don't think he's a nice person really, he was terribly damaged by his parent's divorce. He doesn't care for me apart from financially.
I gave up my job/career two years ago to stay at homw with the children, and would really struggle to go back to the same thing, so I have no idea what to do instead. I had always hoped that we could make things last until they were of school age, and I'm sure we could, but ............ oh god, I'm waffling on and on, I have no idea what to do. I spend my whole life cooking, cleaning, changing nappies, going to play groups etc etc, I literally have no time to do anything else.

Am I over reacting? I haven't gone mad at him or anything, but I do think he means it, I suspect it's the most honest thing he's ever said to me.

I noticed another couple of threads on here that would be relavent and will look through them now.

Oh bugger, am I going to get slated now, or even worse, completely ignored.............

I read somewhere that children whose parents separate but remain civil to each other and don;t use the DC as a weapon against one another, are the children who manage the best, better than the children whose parents are locked in a war zone. Children who lose contact with one parent after separation FWIW manage better than children who have erratic contact with an unreliable or manipulative parent.

Madamez, my intntion is not to latch on to dh and prevnt him from having sex with someone else. However, I would find it completely unsatisfactory staying in a rlationship with anyon and (don't know what's happend to my 'e', it's having sporadic time off!) with somone who is having sx with other people, dspite the fact that I don't want to have sex with him. This is the problm which neds sorting for better or for worse, and in the mean time, this does not giv him carte blanche to hav sex with others behind my back. I am not assuming this is th e only way, and I would not judg anyone else for making this dcision, but it is the only way for me. Having said that, perhaps your idea about co parenting would b a sensible short term solution. Will have to start talking.
Also your earlir point about not using the childrn as a device to get at th other parent is a good one, and somthing I am very awar of.

So you don't want him, but don't want anyone else to have him?

I think you need to have that long and emotional discussion with him

he may have his own ideas for himself and the relationship so it woin't be entirely your decision but between the two of you you will need to thrash out your real feelings aims and aspirations

oops, that first bit was copid and pasted from something madamz posted, sorry, not trying to take credit for it myself!

Firefly, I genuinely wonderd what he'd say, how bad things had got, I wanted to see his reaction. I'm reeling bcause now I have to start seriously thinking about this and making some decisions, making a plan, desperately trying to work out what the hell to do and how the hell to do it!!!

you don't talk to each other much if at all about this do you?

you just live together and hope problems will go away or not come to the surface?

firefly, no not that, just that either we make the relationship work, and of course, ys, the sex is includd in that, and that should come from both of us, surly it's not just a case of me thinking of England whilst bing repulsed by his cack handed fumbling,, and forcing myself to .........oh you know.....every so often.
or, (punctuation gone to pot!) we end it and he can have sex with whom he likes, in my mind there is no hope for us sorting out our relationship if he is sleping with other people. This is not how it works is it?

Read this thread and don't have anything particularly useful to offer but am very amused by the partial loss of your 'e'!

OK, more sensibly now - what's your verbal (vrbal?) communication with dh like?

He's not honest Zippi, and he doesn't engage with, listen to or remember anything I say, so no you're right, despite any efforts I have made, we do just lik you say, live together and hope for the best.

Sorry, didn't see Zippi's post re talking.

Do you know if he wants to stay together?

Im not in your shoes so obviously have no idea what makes him 'not a good person', but given the fact wanted to hug you to reassure you that he wasn't seriously going to look elsewhere for affection, it implies that he does still have love for you.

Who can honestly say they've never said anything hurtful when they've felt rejected?

He may not initiate non sexual affection, but then it doesn't sound as though there s a great deal of affection coming from you towards him. If the signals you'r giving are 'hands off' he's unlikely to instigate cuddles.

It doesn't sound as if you have much interest in making the relationship work, and owe it to both him and yourself to honest with him if that is the case.

well raqther than pre empt anything i would say you have to make a lot of ntime to work out where you both go from here and you can't put it off because of one petty reason and another

Walnut, DC1 has pulld the alt, x, caps lock, ` ,and another important one I can't work out what it dos completely off, and has probably got half way through removing the E but will come back latr to finish it, rndering it partially xpired. Perhaps I should pull it off myself, at least then I could actually use it properly. Have to hit it really hard to get anything out eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Communication ok when we bother, but I swear, we don't actually get anywhere because h doesn't really take anything in or rember anything we've agreed.

Thank you everyone for your hlpful words and advice. He is out tonight. I shall spend the evening actually jotting ideas down for a sensible five year plan, pending talking to him proprly tomorrow night.
Sorry this has ben a bit of a frustrating depressing one, but I'm so grateful for all your input and time. My brain is fried right now. I can't belive I'm here, and all I ever did was nothing!!! The bloody irony of it all!

Oh squashed, for some sad reason your keyboard exploits have really made me laugh and I have been so fed up today. But I want to reassure you that I am not makig light of your OP and will keep watch on it and hope you make some progress - whichever direction that may be in. Good luck x

"because h doesn't really take anything in or rember anything we've agreed." - that is very frustrating.

well as you have painfully learnt there is no such thing as doing nothing

now you have got this far in your thin king don't let yourself slip back

take care and good luck and carry on posting

Glad I made someone smile walnut !
Cheers Zippi, will do.

if he didn't want sex then you could both just carry on regardless

making do

unfortunately unwanted sexual advances push you out of your comfort zone

I think you will feel a lot better once you have made some plans