I'm reeling from something DH said this morning, D does not stand for Darling!

[Squashed]

Last night he tried to initiate sex and I rejected him. He initiates once in a blue moon, and there is no affection or physical contact apart from that. His methods are as follows, rolls over to cuddle me, pushes his crotch in to my back/bottom, then shoves his hands up my top to have a feel. He makes some 'joke' about how it's his 'right' when I am not keen. My labido is at an all time low, but the sex has never been good anyway, if we do it, I generally find myself trying to consider the greater good during the act.
Our conversation this morning went as follows:
ME "you won't look elsewhere for sex will you?"
HIM "well, I'm not getting it at home am I?"
I walked away, and he called me back for a hug, and said he had only been joking.

I'm not in love with him, and never have been, just sort of fell in to the relationship, both found it hard to leave, and now there are two beautiful children involved, whom we both adore, and they adore him too. The relationship is a mess. I don't think he's a nice person really, he was terribly damaged by his parent's divorce. He doesn't care for me apart from financially.
I gave up my job/career two years ago to stay at homw with the children, and would really struggle to go back to the same thing, so I have no idea what to do instead. I had always hoped that we could make things last until they were of school age, and I'm sure we could, but ............ oh god, I'm waffling on and on, I have no idea what to do. I spend my whole life cooking, cleaning, changing nappies, going to play groups etc etc, I literally have no time to do anything else.

Am I over reacting? I haven't gone mad at him or anything, but I do think he means it, I suspect it's the most honest thing he's ever said to me.

I noticed another couple of threads on here that would be relavent and will look through them now.

Oh bugger, am I going to get slated now, or even worse, completely ignored.............

I don't see that I am raging just giving an honest opinion

Moondog, I know, part of me feels like that too, and if I'm completely honest, him actually 'getting' sex elsewhere would not devestate me, but it does just show what a crappy crappy relationship we have, and how we need to 'deal' with it, and how that is.
Zippi, couldn't agree more
Twinkie, this is waht I'm worried about
Oranges, I know, it all seems so clear doesn't it, but I can't bear to put them in childcare...yet, this is the crux of the issue I suppose. Practically I know there's no choice, but it breaks my heart to even think about it. That's not going to help me gain friends is it?!
Kitty, thanks for your post, I'm sorry you're having such a rubbish time

I think children would be much happier having 2 parents living apart who are happy than 2 together and miserable.

Hi Squashed, I'm sorry you're feeling low.

Forgive me if I'm reading it all wrong, but it sounds as if there's at least some affection in your relationship (him calling you back for a hug, at least, after he'd said what he said). So even if you're clear you don't love him and he doesn't love you, it at least sounds as if you can communicate.

Have you ever raised the idea of splitting up? You both adore the children, and as Yulesees suggests, if you can put them first and not use them against one another then perhaps a divorce needn't be too traumatic for them.

Sorry, not sure if any of that is any use. You sound in a rut, and need to do something for yourself.

How old are the children Squashed?

are either of you putting any effort in? at all? making time for each other? do you tell him what gives you sexual pleasure? do you go to councelling, relate anything?

look, childcare is not the work of the devil, and it is surely better than you being either trapped in a marriage you hate, or leaving the marriage and being penniless or forced into a less suitable job? I don't think you can avoid making hard decisions much longer, or they will be made for you.

1 and 2.2, it's not surprising 'm knackered and don't fancy sex, I know. They are too little for this.

how long have you been together..not very long I am guessing?

Hmm,yes,it's very hard work when they are that small.
How about doing a little goal planning (sounds naff but it can work)

1.) I will go back to work p/t in 12 months
2.) I will have sex with him once a week and try to enjoy it
3.) I will book us a night out alone together in the next month

It is amazing how you can turn things around with some good will and effort,really it is.

not yet custardo, I know we have to, and I wouldn't give up on the relationship without at least trying relate, we saw someone ages ago when I was first pregnant (I know I knwo!!) and it really helped, it's just finding the time ( and it's a bit blooming pricey with a babysitter as well!)

zippi, about 8 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hadn't met anyone for ages, and he came along, and we just sort of stayed together, we had a good laugh, but he was horrible to me a lot, I have no idea what posessed me to stick with it, I have never been one for a challenge in a relationship, until him that was!

It'll be a lot cheaper than getting divorced, though! (sorry if a wee bit flippant...) Definitely try to get your dh to agree to counselling and then put a date in the diary.

you're right peatbog, it is OK sometimes, and we can be friends quite often, but at the core of our relationship, is a lack of love, which often, far too often turns in to hatred!

you can go seperately.

You are thinking basically of only staying together and making the best of it because of the children

as you have never loved him, you don't think he is a nice person and you never got round to leaving him before you had your first child

will you grow to love and respect and desire him ....? It sounds extremely unlikely to me

you are making a huge sacrfifice if you stay but if you do then you need to tackle all the issues and make goals like moondog says

You know, you don't have to be having a sexual, couply relationship to like one another and be good co-parents to kids you both love. If you don't want to have sex with him and don't have sexual or romantic feelings towards him, why on earth should it bother you if he gets sex elsewhere, as long as he treats you with kindness and courtesy in general. You can live in the same house but not as a couple if that would suit you. Please don't get distracted by any idea about wht it a 'normal' way to conduct a relationship, there is no such thing, what matters is what makes the peole involved happy. If neither of you can bear to treat the other with kindness and courtesy, sex totally aside, then you should perhaps think about separating and see if that will enable you to be nicer to one another.
I read somewhere that children whose parents separate but remain civil to each other and don;t use the DC as a weapon against one another, are the children who manage the best, better than the children whose parents are locked in a war zone. Children who lose contact with one parent after separation FWIW manage better than children who have erratic contact with an unreliable or manipulative parent.

you feeling ok squashed? Think I'd be feeling a bit more squashed at the moment

yes, making goals sounds infinitely sensible, I was thrashing around ideas and thoughts such a lot before I posted but not at all coherently. I'll try to actually write some things down now. Thank you for all replies. It's so depressing all this. I'm off out now, and have a lot to think about.
Zippi, "will you grow to love and respect and desire him ....?it sounds extremely unlikely to me" I know, I know

thanks yulesees, just a bit too much reality for one morning.

I agree with zippi & moondog actually.

If you don't fancy/love him, what prompted you to ask him "You won't look elsewhere for sex will you?" If you didn't care for him why would you care who he shagged?

Do you ever show him affection?

Do you ever make the first move?

Crap sex isn't just his fault imo, it takes 2 to work at it, tell him what you like, him to tell you what he likes...

When sex is right in a marriage it isn't important, when it is wrong then everything else gets blamed on lack of sex!!

I also think thaT YOU CAN THINK WILDLY DIFFERENT THINGS ABOUT THE SAME PERSON AT DIFFERENT TIMES.

i HAVE BEEN WITH MY DH FOR 18 YEARS AND (bugger) we are very happy indeed,but over the last two decades there have been times when i haven't been able to stand him.

Again it sounds so naff,but working throguh those times has definitely strengthened our relationship and made us proud of our achievements in building and maintaining it through the challenges of children, work and now,long periods apart.

sorry if we're all piling in here with perhaps a bit too much strident advice. Hope you're feeling a little less squashed when you get back.

I think that applies if at some stage byou had a great relationship so you have some solid ground on which to stand even when things go wrong

but this isn't a relationship which was wonderful and went sour

it was never wonderful and at times they have had some fun together and been friends but not more than that

so there isn't anything to rekindle

wet sticks ....no flame

the sadder thing is to carry on with all four of you locked together resentment will breed if not on squasged's part then her dh

she really needs to talk

Well they had kids so there must have been something there once surely?
I dunno that people shack up and have children with people who are just ok,not intleiigewnt ones surely, which Squashed obviously is?