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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm reeling from something DH said this morning, D does not stand for Darling!

93 replies

Squashed · 09/01/2008 09:27

Last night he tried to initiate sex and I rejected him. He initiates once in a blue moon, and there is no affection or physical contact apart from that. His methods are as follows, rolls over to cuddle me, pushes his crotch in to my back/bottom, then shoves his hands up my top to have a feel. He makes some 'joke' about how it's his 'right' when I am not keen. My labido is at an all time low, but the sex has never been good anyway, if we do it, I generally find myself trying to consider the greater good during the act.
Our conversation this morning went as follows:
ME "you won't look elsewhere for sex will you?"
HIM "well, I'm not getting it at home am I?"
I walked away, and he called me back for a hug, and said he had only been joking.

I'm not in love with him, and never have been, just sort of fell in to the relationship, both found it hard to leave, and now there are two beautiful children involved, whom we both adore, and they adore him too. The relationship is a mess. I don't think he's a nice person really, he was terribly damaged by his parent's divorce. He doesn't care for me apart from financially.
I gave up my job/career two years ago to stay at homw with the children, and would really struggle to go back to the same thing, so I have no idea what to do instead. I had always hoped that we could make things last until they were of school age, and I'm sure we could, but ............ oh god, I'm waffling on and on, I have no idea what to do. I spend my whole life cooking, cleaning, changing nappies, going to play groups etc etc, I literally have no time to do anything else.

Am I over reacting? I haven't gone mad at him or anything, but I do think he means it, I suspect it's the most honest thing he's ever said to me.

I noticed another couple of threads on here that would be relavent and will look through them now.

Oh bugger, am I going to get slated now, or even worse, completely ignored.............

OP posts:
ZippiBabesBeenAnAwfulBadGirl · 09/01/2008 10:17

I don't know I did read the op quite carefully before posting and it sounds to me like the relationship just sort of happened and neither ever got enough courage to end it and then apathy just led them on down the path of having children together as they were married and wanted children

moondog · 09/01/2008 10:18

Yes maybe.
In which case there maynot be much hope.
Worth a try though.

Fireflyfairy2 · 09/01/2008 10:19

Squashed, how do you feel if you think about him having sex with someone else? Or how do you feel when you think about you having sex with someone else?

I know dh & I had a bad patch in the summer of 2005, I was feeling very unloved & someone was paying me a lot of attention. He happened to be in a nightclub when we were on my sister's hen night... I very nearly cheated on my dh, the guy wanted me to leave the club and talk with him, he said he would run me home...

I did go outside the club, I called my dh & I told him everything.. he came & picked me up. We didn't sleep that night, just talked and talked, he was feeling the same as me & didn't want to ask me for sex as he fel rejected everytime that I said no. Yet I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him as he never asked me.... It was very mixed up.

But we've been together 12 years now & due to that weekend we are now able to talk about anything.

Is there any chance of you & dh having

Fireflyfairy2 · 09/01/2008 10:19

Squashed, how do you feel if you think about him having sex with someone else? Or how do you feel when you think about you having sex with someone else?

I know dh & I had a bad patch in the summer of 2005, I was feeling very unloved & someone was paying me a lot of attention. He happened to be in a nightclub when we were on my sister's hen night... I very nearly cheated on my dh, the guy wanted me to leave the club and talk with him, he said he would run me home...

I did go outside the club, I called my dh & I told him everything.. he came & picked me up. We didn't sleep that night, just talked and talked, he was feeling the same as me & didn't want to ask me for sex as he fel rejected everytime that I said no. Yet I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him as he never asked me.... It was very mixed up.

But we've been together 12 years now & due to that weekend we are now able to talk about anything.

Is there any chance of you & dh having

Fireflyfairy2 · 09/01/2008 10:19

Squashed, how do you feel if you think about him having sex with someone else? Or how do you feel when you think about you having sex with someone else?

I know dh & I had a bad patch in the summer of 2005, I was feeling very unloved & someone was paying me a lot of attention. He happened to be in a nightclub when we were on my sister's hen night... I very nearly cheated on my dh, the guy wanted me to leave the club and talk with him, he said he would run me home...

I did go outside the club, I called my dh & I told him everything.. he came & picked me up. We didn't sleep that night, just talked and talked, he was feeling the same as me & didn't want to ask me for sex as he fel rejected everytime that I said no. Yet I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him as he never asked me.... It was very mixed up.

But we've been together 12 years now & due to that weekend we are now able to talk about anything.

Is there any chance of you & dh having

Fireflyfairy2 · 09/01/2008 10:19

Squashed, how do you feel if you think about him having sex with someone else? Or how do you feel when you think about you having sex with someone else?

I know dh & I had a bad patch in the summer of 2005, I was feeling very unloved & someone was paying me a lot of attention. He happened to be in a nightclub when we were on my sister's hen night... I very nearly cheated on my dh, the guy wanted me to leave the club and talk with him, he said he would run me home...

I did go outside the club, I called my dh & I told him everything.. he came & picked me up. We didn't sleep that night, just talked and talked, he was feeling the same as me & didn't want to ask me for sex as he fel rejected everytime that I said no. Yet I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him as he never asked me.... It was very mixed up.

But we've been together 12 years now & due to that weekend we are now able to talk about anything.

Is there any chance of you & dh having

Fireflyfairy2 · 09/01/2008 10:19

Squashed, how do you feel if you think about him having sex with someone else? Or how do you feel when you think about you having sex with someone else?

I know dh & I had a bad patch in the summer of 2005, I was feeling very unloved & someone was paying me a lot of attention. He happened to be in a nightclub when we were on my sister's hen night... I very nearly cheated on my dh, the guy wanted me to leave the club and talk with him, he said he would run me home...

I did go outside the club, I called my dh & I told him everything.. he came & picked me up. We didn't sleep that night, just talked and talked, he was feeling the same as me & didn't want to ask me for sex as he fel rejected everytime that I said no. Yet I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him as he never asked me.... It was very mixed up.

But we've been together 12 years now & due to that weekend we are now able to talk about anything.

Is there any chance of you & dh having

Fireflyfairy2 · 09/01/2008 10:19

Squashed, how do you feel if you think about him having sex with someone else? Or how do you feel when you think about you having sex with someone else?

I know dh & I had a bad patch in the summer of 2005, I was feeling very unloved & someone was paying me a lot of attention. He happened to be in a nightclub when we were on my sister's hen night... I very nearly cheated on my dh, the guy wanted me to leave the club and talk with him, he said he would run me home...

I did go outside the club, I called my dh & I told him everything.. he came & picked me up. We didn't sleep that night, just talked and talked, he was feeling the same as me & didn't want to ask me for sex as he fel rejected everytime that I said no. Yet I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him as he never asked me.... It was very mixed up.

But we've been together 12 years now & due to that weekend we are now able to talk about anything.

Is there any chance of you & dh having

Twinkie1 · 09/01/2008 10:19

Stop moaning about childcare - about prices of babysitters - this is your chance to read this advice take notice and do something to make your life happier!

2 young children are hard work and I bet your DH feels it too but sitting back and letting the rot spread for frankly piddly little reasons is not going to change things andmake you happier.

If you have been to relate before it shows that he will be open to the suggestion - do it for gods sake - make the effort to see if things can be salvaged before you chuck it all in or sit there letting it get worse and being unhappy!

Sorry am having crap day too with DS being ill and am in grumpy mood.

But no one else is going to change this for you and you will feel like a new woman with a bit of time to yourself!

Fireflyfairy2 · 09/01/2008 10:20

How the hell did that happen???

I didn't even finsh my post

If I press the red thing can MNHQ take away some of those posts?

moondog · 09/01/2008 10:20

Steady on Fire.

ZippiBabesBeenAnAwfulBadGirl · 09/01/2008 10:25

a mistake people commonly make is believing that there is such a thing as not making a decision

it gets made for you

and very often it's a bad one

you can't just let life happen

squashed should take heart from the fact that her dh has made this comment and use it positively as a catalyst to make her life how she would like it to be...whether she starts off making small changes or jumps in with big ones she needs to think where she would see herself in 5 years, 2 years, 6 months etc

bohemianbint · 09/01/2008 12:31

Bit harsh Twinkie - I've been posting on antoher thread about childcare costs.

2x children in childcare per week = £250+

Unless you're likely to earn a massive whack, or have family to help, it can be pointless even looking for a job.

Twinkie1 · 09/01/2008 13:04

But she could get some time alone even for herself to rediscover who she is - I think that is the problem when you have children - you become chief cook and bottle washer and lose all sense of identity - I am not saying she has to put them in nursery - pay someone to babysit a couple of times a month and go to relate or spend time alone talking to your DH or doing something for you.

Maybe because you have no confidence in yourself it is unattractive or DH sees that you have no confidence and wants to help but doesn't know what to do. You both sound damaged and in need of help and having some time together and talking may be the thing that kicks off the change.

You ahve to do something about this or in 5 years you will be posting the same thing again!

Fireflyfairy2 · 09/01/2008 13:26

I want to know what size of house she lives in & how many courses she makes for dinner if, as she says, she spends all day cooking & cleaning. Changing nappies doesn't take up that much time & an hour max should be travel time to & from playgroup (thinking it is probably in the same town/village)

I do agree with twinkie though, in a way, if you are serious about getting out & about (I hate rediscover yourself though it's like you've been left under a pile of old newspapers) and maybe looking for a job, childcare will be costly, but you need to work that into the wage to negotiate. What dod you do pre-kids?

ZippiBabesBeenAnAwfulBadGirl · 09/01/2008 13:27

I guess when you were working you avoided relationship issues because you had less time to think and more to do and distract you a fuller life and as long as the relationship wasn't awful it didn't seem to matter so much

now you are home yoiubhave nothing to think about and you see the dead end and your dh has rather starkly shown you what has happened

I'm not entirely sure that babysitters and even a job will take you where you would really like to be

where would you really rather be?

Original poster
Squashed · 09/01/2008 13:35

Twinkie, You're right re the babysitter, it is essential, and we can do need it, (although tbh he controls the purse strings and may not feel the same way), although I don't think I was actually moaning too much about it! Hope your day gets better too . It's very easy to find barriers and obstructions to courses of action which are important and necessary, but logistically difficult, so I shall try to move myself from that lazy position and be proactive for a change! Also you're right re posting the same thing in 5 years, could so easliy be true.
Zippi, this is exactly what happened. No decision was made. I was very hurt by the break-up of an old relationship, it ended about 5 years before I met DH but I was very hurt by it (not depressed or anything clinical which may have made more sense, just completely and utterly heartbroken), anyway, I was just having a good time, meeting completely inappropriate blokes with the subtle undercurrent of recovering from an old break-up, but I was quite lonely as well. Then OH came along, he was the most appropriate person I'd met in years, by which I mean, not stoned all the time, good job etc, good looking (all the important stuff eh?! NOT!), he lived near me and I was quite lonely socially, he made me laugh. Blah blah blah, I have no idea really why it has turned in to this, I'm not actually stupid, although I have been VERY stupid! I can not believe I am still with him, I often have fantasies where I'm describing him to one of my dc as though he isn't their father, in the context of; 'look what nearly happened to me dc, you must always follow your heart and never settle for second best' following which I go downstairs to my warm and loving partner (obviously not dh) and talk about something/anything that interests us.
We weren't married when we had dc1 btw.
Firefly, when I think about him having sex with someone else, I couldn't care less, I don't know if I'd genuinely not feel hurt if it really happened, but certainly not enough to suggest that I love him or care for him anywhere near enough to spend the rest of my life with him. Thinking about myself having sex with someone else is a little alien right now, I don't feel like my body has recovered properly from second naturaly delivery iyswim, atm I imagine sex as something invasive and unpleasant, but to be kissed by someone, just kissed or held, the though of that actually ever happening again brings a tear to my eye.

OP posts:
madamez · 09/01/2008 13:36

Unfortunately the biggest and most toxic line of propaganda we are all fed is the one which says 'Pairbond! Your life is not valid unless you are in a couple! Women, this means you. Nothing you do in life is as important as latching on to a man and preventing him from ever having sex with anyone else.'

THis is of course rubbish but people who haven;t had the strength or the wits to ignore it are the ones who either drift into these stultifying dead end couplehoods, or even worse, put up with abusive ones (and leave one abusive tosser for another) rather than stick up two finges to the whole idea and see about getting a life.

Monkeytrousers · 09/01/2008 13:39

All comes back to staying together for the sake of the kids doesn't it?

We only have one life..

ZippiBabesBeenAnAwfulBadGirl · 09/01/2008 13:42

squashed that is kind of how I interpreted your post as from someone who wanted at that point to be in a relationship and when it came along and wan't too bad it just drifted into permanency

I fyou take the route of sticking with it because you have children then that is going to be a long way into the future because the reasons for staying together ebcaue of the children will get stronger as they get older

I think youi need to have a long discussion with your dh and get some feelings sorted for everyone's sake

hopefully all amicably and slowly

find out what he is really thinking or if he is just motoring along trying not to think get him to take stock too

Fireflyfairy2 · 09/01/2008 13:43

If you couldn't care less about him having sex with someone else, can I ask you what prompted you to ask him that this morning.. and that you were reeling from it?

fwiw I think if a relationship isn't doing you any good & neither party is benefiting from the company of the other, then it's time to call it a day.

ZippiBabesBeenAnAwfulBadGirl · 09/01/2008 13:44

you could become quite depressed and bitter

GrinningSoul · 09/01/2008 13:44

i haven't read everything. but i'm in the sake of the children camp, and have a low-passion (but happy) relationship. i just wanted to say that i've found life and therefore our relationship and opportunities to 'grow' it have improved as the children have grown to school age, and as we've had a little more money for nice hols, clubs etc. it's a bit like i imagine an arranged marriage to be - we both have committed to it, and although it's not always exciting we can find pleasure in each other if we try.

i'm just saying, i'd vote for hanging in there but determining to work on things together.

ZippiBabesBeenAnAwfulBadGirl · 09/01/2008 13:48

everything you have written suggests to me that you are not going to stay with this man and either of you be happy....making sacrifices for children in this respect is not necessarily going to benefit any one long term including your children

Fireflyfairy2 · 09/01/2008 13:49

Oh dear, I'm not sure I would advise her to stay for the children's sake...

My parents stayed together for 20 odd year "for the sake of the children" when "the children" ie: me & my siblings just wanted them to split the hell up & get on with it!