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Original poster

What should a 3 month 'relationship' look like?

88 replies

Terigoround · 13/04/2022 20:33

Been with a guy for 3 months, live an hour apart. We see each other one evening a week usually (3 or 4 hours) and one Saturday pm every 2 or 3 weeks. Lots of texts in between.

He has a lot of hobbies and elderly parents, plus 2 DS he lives with (24 and 26, no sign of them moving out as both are unemployed).

He suggests when we meet and I agree - I have no commitments so can easily rearrange plans to see him. If I said I couldn't meet him when he suggested I wouldn't see him. Anything and everything I suggest has been declined due to his commitments.

I'm not sure if I'm being needy, wanting to see him more? I know that at 3 months I'm not a priority but I just get a little lonely and would like more meetings.

Not DTD - mainly as he's never been able to stay over - but discussed exclusivity etc and are on the same page. Been intimate in other ways.

He's great - we have a lot in common - but it just doesn't feel enough contact.

Would appreciate some thoughts - thanks 

OP posts:
CoconutQueen · 13/04/2022 20:38

Assuming you were/are both ok with being intimate I would definitely be expecting overnight stays by now, and whole days/whole weekends together, not just a Saturday pm. Also by three months I would expect some kind of planning ahead - ie arranging a day out or short trip/weekend somewhere. Would also expect to have met at least a couple of his friends by this point, IF he sees a future with you.

Have you been to his house? Have you met each other's children? Wondering WHY he's "never been able to stay over" as that's very unusual by this point if, as you say, you both want to....

Organictangerine · 13/04/2022 20:39

He sounds like he has too much baggage for a proper or even intimate relationship, but that’s not what you asked I suppose…

After 3 months I would expect seeing each other twice weekly or so, definitely to have had sex (as much as possible) and to have had the exclusivity chat. Plans for a few weeks ahead etc.

CoconutQueen · 13/04/2022 20:40

And what sort of things have you suggested that have been "declined due to his commitments"? He doesn't sound that keen (although I'm only going on what you've said here..)

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/04/2022 20:44

Anything and everything I suggest has been declined due to his commitments.

This plus lack of shagging would be a no from me. Three months is usually 'can't wait to see each other' time.

Original poster
Terigoround · 13/04/2022 20:47

@CoconutQueen

And what sort of things have you suggested that have been "declined due to his commitments"? He doesn't sound that keen (although I'm only going on what you've said here..)
Only things like 'Are you free for a walk/drink/meal/film on X?' and he'll say no, he's with his children/parents/gym, but then he'll ask the same thing of me another time and because I can be free I'll say yes.
OP posts:
Suzi888 · 13/04/2022 20:47

“. If I said I couldn't meet him when he suggested I wouldn't see him.”

This would do it for me. It’s so one sided, he has you at his beck and call and he knows it.

cowsaysmoo · 13/04/2022 20:53

I would expect you to see each other much much more, definitely have sex by this point, stay over, plan days out, trips, etc.
Looks to me, from what you said, that if he wanted, he would find a way.
The situation seems as casual dating rather than a start of a relationship.

Original poster
Terigoround · 13/04/2022 20:55

@cowsaysmoo

I would expect you to see each other much much more, definitely have sex by this point, stay over, plan days out, trips, etc. Looks to me, from what you said, that if he wanted, he would find a way. The situation seems as casual dating rather than a start of a relationship.
Mmm, that sounds plausible. Not sure how I should bring that up, or if it's even worth bringing up?
OP posts:
milcal · 13/04/2022 20:58

Have you been to his house? If not, could he be married?

biggreenhouse · 13/04/2022 21:00

The Gym is not a commitment to not see your gf. he's not that Into you.. dump and move on!

OctopusSay · 13/04/2022 21:01

Hmm. Are you sure there isn't a wife living with those two sons too?

I don't necessarily think the speed of progress is wrong, if it suits you both there's nothing wrong with casual dating, but this does seem very one sided.

Original poster
Terigoround · 13/04/2022 21:02

@milcal

Have you been to his house? If not, could he be married?
No, I haven't - would be surprised but I guess you never know...
OP posts:
Greatoutdoors · 13/04/2022 21:03

Why can’t he stay over at yours? His kids aren’t exactly children - he should be able to leave them overnight in their 20s. I’d be feeling really flat about this, but I’m not you.
Do you think there is a spark or do you think you’re settling? I want to be excited about a new relationship and I want it to be mutual.
At 3 months I’d expect lots of sex, looking for ways to see each other and if that was genuinely difficult logistically lots of flirting by text and phone. Three months is a nice time for your first weekend away together.

Ohyesiam · 13/04/2022 21:04

It’s not enough for you. You’ll end up feeling like you are begging for scraps.
Find someone who is more available to you

Aubree17 · 13/04/2022 21:05

The best way is to suggest doing things.
It seems like you have.
Making it an issue at this stage is likely to "make it an issue"
Yeh main barrier seems to be him needing to be around for his sons. Once you have met them things may change?
I don't think it's unreasonable not to have met them in the timeframe.

OctopusSay · 13/04/2022 21:08

I have adult sons living with me. I wouldn't bring a man here, but I can and do often stay out overnight. Actually, not with a sexual partner, but I do go away with friends and my DC are younger than his. There's no reason he can't stay at yours unless there's someoe waiting for him at home or he just doesn't want to.

Original poster
Terigoround · 13/04/2022 21:08

@Greatoutdoors

Why can’t he stay over at yours? His kids aren’t exactly children - he should be able to leave them overnight in their 20s. I’d be feeling really flat about this, but I’m not you. Do you think there is a spark or do you think you’re settling? I want to be excited about a new relationship and I want it to be mutual. At 3 months I’d expect lots of sex, looking for ways to see each other and if that was genuinely difficult logistically lots of flirting by text and phone. Three months is a nice time for your first weekend away together.
Because he has a lot of pre booked commitments from before we met. There is a lot of flirting and sexual tension in between times.
OP posts:
SheWoreYellow · 13/04/2022 21:09

There’s something really odd here I’d say. Why won’t he stay at yours? I would suspect either

Some sort of issue with sex
A wife
Very rigid in his habits to the point of it being debilitating
Not that bothered about seeing you (but he still is, so I don’t know about that one)

It sounds a bit crap though.

Have you invited him to stay? Not on a particular night, but as a ‘shall we arrange for you to stay over some time’ and have a proper conversation about it.

Original poster
Terigoround · 13/04/2022 21:10

@Aubree17

The best way is to suggest doing things. It seems like you have. Making it an issue at this stage is likely to "make it an issue" Yeh main barrier seems to be him needing to be around for his sons. Once you have met them things may change? I don't think it's unreasonable not to have met them in the timeframe.
That's just it really - I don't want to make it an issue because I'm not sure if at three months it really is an issue? I don't want to meet his sons, that's not a big deal for me.
OP posts:
OctopusSay · 13/04/2022 21:10

What kind of commitments? Things that happen in between Saturday evening and Sunday morning?

Original poster
Terigoround · 13/04/2022 21:12

@SheWoreYellow

There’s something really odd here I’d say. Why won’t he stay at yours? I would suspect either

Some sort of issue with sex
A wife
Very rigid in his habits to the point of it being debilitating
Not that bothered about seeing you (but he still is, so I don’t know about that one)

It sounds a bit crap though.

Have you invited him to stay? Not on a particular night, but as a ‘shall we arrange for you to stay over some time’ and have a proper conversation about it.

I think it's the very rigid in his habits. I have suggested staying over and he says yes but I can't actually pin him down to a date. And now it's become a far bigger thing than it needed to be, it feels like An Event rather than a natural progression.
OP posts:
SheWoreYellow · 13/04/2022 21:12

Also, has he been to your house?

I think not having sex by three months is really unusual. It would be fine if you’d both discussed it and we’re happy with it, but to have not talked about it seems odd.

Original poster
Terigoround · 13/04/2022 21:14

@SheWoreYellow

Also, has he been to your house?

I think not having sex by three months is really unusual. It would be fine if you’d both discussed it and we’re happy with it, but to have not talked about it seems odd.

We have discussed it, both said we can't wait and have shared various thoughts on it, but can't find the time to actually do anything about it.
OP posts:
Jumpking · 13/04/2022 21:14

I think it's telling you've not been to his house yet nor DTD. And the gym isn't a good enough reason to not see you imo.

I agree with the others who feel it's time you moved on. There are men out there who want to spend time with you and would love you too invite them to do stuff with you. Find them instead.

MrsSkylerWhite · 13/04/2022 21:15

Sorry mate but three months in my husband (of 34 years) and I couldn’t bear to be apart. We moved heaven and earth to be together as often as we could.
Adult children really shouldn’t be an issue.